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Help with being stalked by iphone

(35 Posts)
Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 06-Sep-16 13:23:21

My H and I separated end of last year, but it has taken until March/April for him to really understand I was not going to change my mind. Even then we go over the same conversation over and over. He just will not fully accept it. We told our families and the children. He will not leave the house (and to be honest financially we cannot afford to this year but if had to we would). We were managing to live alongside each other amicably. However he still seems to think there is a chance but I don't understand why.

This weekend I was away staying with a friend. I visited this friend a month ago. She has been through something similar and has been helping. As its quite far away I did not tell him I was going there the first time. To be honest I am getting fed up explaining everywhere I go as we are separated. I have seen a solicitor/counsellor but said I was going to a friends. I visited my Gran for advice but said was going shopping (or kids would have wanted to come).

This is the bit where I get flamed but I ended up speaking to a guy online (via here) who is going through similar and also met him for a coffee. Only coffee. I don't know if this will progress, he lives 200 miles away.

I got up on Sunday to a text from H basically saying I was lying where I was this weekend (I was not) and that he knew I was having an affair and so on. It was a really angry text send at 2am. He had been drinking. He thinks me having an affair is the only reason I would be leaving him. I have explained over and over I am leaving him for various different reasons and I no longer love him.

I got home and he was so angry, he had smashed a wall, had smashed the patio doors. He has been stalking me for a year on find my iphone.

I feel suffocated. I think I have turned off find my phone (can anyone help test). I am scared what else he is going to smash if he gets angry. He has never been violent to me in 20 years. He does have a vile temper when drunk though and is unreasonable then too. I wanted to confess about meeting the guy for coffee but I am scared of his reaction.

Can anyone help or give me advice?

Arfarfanarf Tue 06-Sep-16 13:27:45

the only advice i have is find a way for the two of you not to live together.

that is the only thing that has a chance of changing things.

he's still living with you. he is still in denial.

SantinoRice Tue 06-Sep-16 13:28:37

Someone will be along with more useful help shortly, but: you need to change your iTunes password if you haven't already.

And you don't need to "confess" anything. Given his recent actions, I'd tell him nothing. Are you safe where you are? Is there anywhere you can go?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Tue 06-Sep-16 13:31:44

Did he have the children while this was going on?

Don't 'confess' - it's none of his business. But do move on with the separation as soon as is humanly possible. You need him out of your life.

Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 06-Sep-16 13:36:58

Yes the kids were at home with him (15 & 12).

I feel I need to tell him as if something did develop I want to be upfront. The thing is he will never believe me this is not why I am leaving. I have been trying to leave for years and crunch time was beginning of last year.

I could go to my Mums but there is not enough space for the kids too and don't want to leave them. I did say I would on Sunday but he went on and on how that would hurt the kids.

Inthebathprobably Tue 06-Sep-16 13:37:24

You need to change your password to iTunes and iCloud.

If he can access either he can see where your phone is (find iPhone) as well as find friend.

What you do as a single women is no business of his. Classic thing of him assuming n affair is the only reason you would split wth him. And hence the anger as he can blame you for the ending. Instead of realising he is involved in the break up.

Inthebathprobably Tue 06-Sep-16 13:38:32

Also deleting the Find Friend app won't mean he can't see you. You need to delete him as a contact on there. If you didn't do that then re install it and delete him

Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 06-Sep-16 13:41:54

Thanks. The find a friend app is pre-set on the phone so you cant delete it but I have never added him (or anyone else) on it so should that be ok? I have changed my password on icloud. I never use iTunes.

Inthebathprobably Tue 06-Sep-16 13:42:02

Sorry just seen your last post.

Do not tell him anything about your life, you are just feeding his connection and fact he thinks he should know.

just tell him assertively you are no longer involved in his life and him in yours day to day except sharing a House and for the kids organisation.

I give no choice but to share a house (but there must be a cut off time limit for this?) then you need to live as single people.

I would see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. Get that stuff sorted before embarking on a new relationship. Not saying don't talk to the other guy. But don't use him as a distraction from the shit at home.

Work the past relationship stuff out before moving to a new one. Or they will always be entangled.

ThinkPinkStink Tue 06-Sep-16 13:42:39

Agreed with the pp who say you need to live away from your ex (and change your iTunes password).

Also agreed that there is no point in causing drama by telling him about a maybe-one-off meeting with a guy.

What's your housing situation, whose name is on the mortgage/rental agreement?

More than anything, please don't leave the kids with him, aside from the real danger to them of being around a drunkard who smashes things up, think of the psychological damage of knowing that their mother chose to leave them with the aforementioned drunkard.

Sometimes when situations change the immediate outcome isn't ideal, maybe you and the kids need to temporarily squeeze into a property too small for you, maybe you need to live slightly further away from schools, work and towns than you'd like. But it's all temporary, and what's most important is providing a healthy place for you and your kids - which is impossible while living with your ex.

Inthebathprobably Tue 06-Sep-16 13:42:46

He was probably using the find my iPhone ap then logged in as you and able to track your phone from it.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 06-Sep-16 13:44:43

I would have called the police and had him removed for criminal damage.
That's just not OK.
Turn off the location services on your phone. In settings under privacy.
Is your phone linked to an ipad in the house at all that he can access?
I would take your phone to an apple store and ask them how he is doing this if you can't find out!
Can you block him?
Does he need to be able to contact you when you are out?
You could block him before you leave and then unblock him when you are back?
Do all you can to get separated properly, sooner rather than later.
With his extreme reactions you need out asap.
Where were the DC when he was wrecking your house?

Joysmum Tue 06-Sep-16 13:44:45

Also beware of it syncing to other devices.

DoreenLethal Tue 06-Sep-16 13:45:02

I got home and he was so angry, he had smashed a wall, had smashed the patio doors.

At this point you pick up your iphone, call the police and say that you are being threatened and he is smashing the place up. A few of those and your solicitor will be able to help you get a non-molestation order or whatever they are called to keep him away from you. That might sharpen his mind!

Also, sever all iphone tracking as mentioned above.

Isetan Tue 06-Sep-16 14:05:53

The breaking things is not on and the Police would have removed his arse had you contacted them.

Op there's nothing that you could say or do which would change the opinion of your H and that is your selfishness is the reason for the break up, so don't waste any more energy trying to get through to him.

Anytime he asks you about your movements just simply say that if there's any issue with the kids you are contactable on your mobile but the details of your whereabouts are no longer his concern because you're seperated.

I would seriously caution against meeting strangers (even ones supposedly connected to MN), you are really vulnerable right now and I fear that you could unwittingly make life more complicated for yourself than it really is.

Detach from your H and put your energies into ending the cohabitation.

Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 06-Sep-16 14:14:46

I have contacted a solicitor today.

Our finances are still very joint until we pay off debts, our house is not 100% finished having started an extension, in order to sell it if need be we need a certificate of completion. The jobs needing finished are jobs he is doing (he is in the trade) as we cant afford to pay someone. Our house is mortgaged in joint names.

I do need to be able to contact him so don't feel I can block him.

He was fine all day yesterday but I am a little scared now of his temper.

I've now turned off location services. I will go find how to do it with iTunes. My local Applestore is not easy for me to get to with working.

Thanks so much so far I appreciate it.

NotTheFordType Tue 06-Sep-16 21:08:41

Who is your phone contract with? Go into one of their local branches and say you need a new cheap handset as you've broken your iphone. Get an android handset (cheapest will be about £50) and put your SIM in it. (Obviously back up all your contacts to SIM card first.) Boom, job done, you now have a new phone which is better than an iphone and delusional STBXH cannot stalk you.

I am guessing he is self-employed so be prepared for him to start claiming he earns nothing, doesn't make a profit, etc.; This kind of cunt will happily see his children starve before giving "you" a penny of "his" hard-earned money.

Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 06-Sep-16 22:20:35

Ford I did not think iPhone sims fit in any other make of phone?

He is self employed but subcontracted to a company & so his earnings are the same every month and I have a paper trail and do his accounts.

ChuffMuffin Tue 06-Sep-16 22:28:51

Sorry to hear this is happening to you OP flowers

Here's how to unsync your iPhone/iPad/Mac from everything else:

Tap Settings > iTunes & App Store.
Tap your Apple ID.
Tap View Apple ID. You might be asked to enter your password.
Scroll to the iTunes in the Cloud section, then tap Remove This Device.

Go to the general tab of settings on your phone, and turn off "Hands Off", which forwards texts messages to other devices. Also turn off text message forwarding (under Settings) and also iPhone Cellular calls (under Facetime settings. This stops others being able to make/access calls when connected on the same wifi).

tribpot Tue 06-Sep-16 22:30:45

You've probably got a NanoSIM if it's an iPhone 6 or similar. Plenty of other phones use the same one, list here from 2014. But assuming it's not PAYG the phone company would give you another SIM in any case, there would just be a bit of a delay in getting it to you.

Don't just turn off location services, you need to change your password.

However, fundamentally you have done nothing wrong. He can say what he likes about you having an affair, it's irrelevant. You've been separated for nearly a year, what you do is your business.

MotherFuckingChainsaw Tue 06-Sep-16 22:41:07

You don't need him to believe you aren't having an 'affair'

It's none of his business why you want to leave.

Hotwaterbottle1 Wed 07-Sep-16 07:47:07

Thanks Chuff done all that but could not find the text messaging or FaceTime setting to change on my phone, it's an iPhone 5s.

I think I will go to my local provider store tonight and ask the guys there to double check for me.

Solicitor now going to cost £190 & VAT for initial visit. Any advice on getting free initial advice? I'm in Scotland.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 07-Sep-16 09:00:16

I think the only thing you can do on that is to phone around a few and see if any of them offer a free half hour?
That price sounds about right to be honest.
They are expensive.
2 years ago mine was £175 per hour and that was quite a good rate.
Worth it though.
Could CAB maybe help you initially?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Wed 07-Sep-16 10:03:28

According to MN the 'free initial advice' thing is as rare as unicorn tears, I'm afraid. If you are going to pay, make sure it's someone who is a family law/divorce specialist. Good for you for taking that next step!

tribpot Wed 07-Sep-16 10:07:40

Is Handoff a feature that really links a Macbook with mobile Apple devices? Instructions here. Is there a Macbook in the house, Hotwaterbottle, or just mobile Apple devices?

You need proper legal advice, not least what to do if he downs tools on the jobs he is doing on the house to stall the completion and sale process.

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