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Husband not being truthful about where he is

(48 Posts)
Lesley1980 Thu 01-Sep-16 23:29:27

6 years ago my husband mentored 3 work colleagues whilst they sat a post graduate. It was arranged through work & 3 women were randomly selected. Two got on with things & the third needed a lot of support & called him at home, emailed essays for him to check & he stayed on to help her. She left every essay/coursework until the last minute & OH would stay on until 9/10 helping her as she was always stressed. She would then email him her work & he would spend the weekend correcting & rewriting her work. She would text about the course & also general chat. I wasn't suspicious but she annoyed me & I told my husband it had to stop. If she can't do the work he shouldn't be doing it for her. OH made excuses saying she was out of uni a long time & needed help etc. The course finished & she still contacted him & asked to meet up to say thanks but I don't think they did. After the qualification she left for a promotion in another company.

Tonight my husband is meeting up with this woman & another one he mentored but he hasnt told me. He told me he has a works night out & the venue but when I asked him who was going he said he wasn't sure. On Saturday he is going for an activity day with his team & I've discovered this woman is going to that too. I'm friends with his work colleague who knows them all & dropped him in it as she was supposed to go for drink tonight but has the kids.

I don't think he cheated on me when he was mentoring her but I did feel like she was crossing the line on a few occasions & taking over his spare time.

What do you think is going on? It feels uncomfortable. He is a liar & he has done it quite easily. If it's innocent why lie? However I genuinely don't think they have seen each other for a couple of years & they wouldn't have invited my friend if it were some affair.

The woman is late 40s, married with kids in early 20s.

AnyFucker Thu 01-Sep-16 23:31:31

People who lie have something to hide

How do you interpret the lies ? Is he often economical with the truth ?

Whisky2014 Thu 01-Sep-16 23:31:41

Because it's not innocent is it?

Lesley1980 Thu 01-Sep-16 23:46:07

I don't think he lies a lot. He works his shift & comes home & he very rarely has any nights out so it's not even as if there is opportunity to have an affair. She works 30 miles away so they can't meet for secret lunch or anything. They invited our friend along tonight & there is another woman there so it's not even Just the two of them. It's not sitting right but it's just not logical.

It's a pretty poor attemp if it is an affair.

Resilience16 Thu 01-Sep-16 23:55:50

Gut feeling is usually right

TheNaze73 Fri 02-Sep-16 08:02:59

I think you've got to trust your gut instinct here. He may not have cheated but, it does feel like boundaries have been crossed. Has he ever shown you this much attention or given you his time like he has to the OW?

Lesley1980 Fri 02-Sep-16 11:18:38

i don't think I've ever needed him that much. When he was helping her we were both working & life was easy with a great social life, weekends away & usual couple stuff so I wasn't neglected.

My main issue with the woman was that I felt she was taking advantage. Her bad planning affected him, she didn't even spell check the essays as she knew he would do it. If I said anything he said he had to do it as her failure reflected on him. She did cause minor arguments but she hasn't been on the scene for year or two- that I know of.

It's just a gut feeling that it's not right but I can't see how it could be a full blown affair. Is she after him? Him after her? Starting something? We are going out for dinner tonight & im going to question him about his night & then just tell him I know he was out with her & why lie

IreallyKNOWiamright Fri 02-Sep-16 11:35:53

It doesn't matter how old the women are. You have a right to be concerned and I would say you are to go with him to other social do's if he comes up with excuses why you shouldn't you have your answer. I think also you both need to discuss calmly about boundaries and he has to cut contact at weekends. I mean it's likely he could have told her the whole usual script stuff because he Is liking the attention. You need to sort this out. And fast

adora1 Fri 02-Sep-16 11:55:13

Not up to you to police your OH, if he felt she was crossing boundaries HE should have halted it not you, sorry but I would be pretty suspicious.

adora1 Fri 02-Sep-16 11:56:20

Emotional affairs are easily conducted online etc, they don't have to meet up.

Laodicean Fri 02-Sep-16 13:22:44

30 miles isn't that far if you meet half way and spend fifteen minutes in the car....?

Or have some out of office meetings.

I just think your spider senses are tingling and it's likely to be for a reason.

WamBamThankYouMaam Fri 02-Sep-16 14:25:23

I don't see anything inherently wrong in him helping and mentoring this woman. I don't see anything wrong with forming a friendship with people you work with either.

But lying would make me very uncomfortable indeed. You lie if you've got something to hide.

NanaNina Fri 02-Sep-16 14:25:58

Absolutely Adora - emotional affairs can easily be conducted on line. have first hand experience. And I'm sorry but all the stuff about helping her with the work was probably a cover for them remaining in contact.

Look OP you seem a little naieve - as others say - 30 miles is nothing - 15 miles each way and meet for lunch easy peasy. I reckon he's been having an affair with this woman (maybe not sexual) for some considerable time. I'm wondering how you know that he is meeting up with her tonight and possibly the other 2 women (but probably just her) and why didn't he tell you if it was innocent.

I'm a bit confused - you say "they invited our friend along tonight" - who is "they" and is your friend his work colleague. Presumably this is the friend who has told you the woman is going on a team day out with him on Sat - and she doesn't even work for the same company!! That can't be right surely - are you sure the friend has this right.

I small a rat - a very large black one! Sorry OP - there needs to be some straight talking between you and DH and he needs to know you are on to him.

Dowser Fri 02-Sep-16 15:08:15

My exh lied all the way through our 30 odd year marriage.
It started off with little daft stupid lies and ended up with big, fat cheating lies.

I hope your husband isn't the same but I'd keep a close eye.

Mikkalina Fri 02-Sep-16 15:44:32

My friend teaches at uni. He teaches, writes papers, does supervisions, answers hundreds of emails and does other things. The job is very demanding and he often works until very very late. Anyway he told me once that there are sometimes lazy students (probably normal) but also dodgy (the student gets admitted but then later she or he cannot do anything because English is so basic). While his job is to supervise and check the papers he will not do the job for the student. No way. A student should be able to spell well and use a spell check. He will guide but not write for them. Also at uni lecturers get certain amount of time per student for the supervisions. Not endless.
However, maybe your DH doesn't tell you about his meeting so you would have fewer questions knowing your reaction. Mind you, students or many students do abuse their position and basically want the lecturer to chew and give it to them. My friend often complaints that when he was a student lectures had more respect from their students.

Lesley1980 Fri 02-Sep-16 21:29:30

Spoke to him tonight about his night out & asked him who was there & he said old work mates. I said I know you were out with "Betty", why didn't you tell me you were going out with her? He said I didn't specifically ask & he knew if he told me I'd go on about it & anyways someone else was there & our friend was supposed to come & didn't so it wasn't as if it was just her. I don't go on about things & I wouldn't have stopped him going so he really could have said. I have no issues with him having female friends or going out with them. She hasn't been mentioned in our house for years so it's not a thing I go on about & when he was mentoring her my complaint was her taking advantage of him & using up his free time not that she was female & I didn't like it. He said he hasn't seen her for nearly 3 years (I think that's when she moved??? Or last night out???) & it was just a catch up with friends so why am I bothered?

In a way everything he is saying is correct but he still lied. He blames me for essentially being a nag but that could be distraction?

He walks to work & they can't really leave site so I don't see them meeting halfway at all. I started to think about his movements & habits & I can't see a gap where it would be possible to meet her.

The team day out tomorrow isn't a work thing. It's his team from work going but it's an activity they have arranged themself & I guess she has been invited as she is still friends with people. i think he said 22 people are going so again no alone time.

I've been trying to think back 6 years ago when this started & I really think this woman was trying to start some kind of relationship. I felt she was a threat anyways. I remember my OH telling me how tough she has it blah blah which means she was telling him her personal problems & expecting support of some sort from him.

Maybe I am paranoid. I can't shake this feeling something is weird but I have no evidence.

thefourgp Fri 02-Sep-16 22:03:20

Do not let your husband make you feel paranoid because you have a genuine concern about a threat to your relationship. He was over helpful and over friendly when tutoring her. He's in denial about his attraction to her because if he admitted it then he would need to keep his distance from her. Affairs don't start as full blown sexual relationships. They start with flirting, confiding, sharing secrets, developing intimacy. You've got every right to discuss his actions and lying by omission is still lying. He knew you wouldn't be happy and went anyway. That's disrespectful. This is something you clearly feel strongly about and he should respect your feelings by having as little contact as possible with her in the future. It's not an unreasonable request.

Carriadd Fri 02-Sep-16 22:07:45

If he wanted to have an affair he would always manage to find the time, always.

Carriadd Fri 02-Sep-16 22:11:59

Your not being paranoid and if he loves you then he needs to listen and understand that you are not happy about him spending time with this woman. Doesnt matter why you feel the way you do, he should just respect your feelings as his wife. Try to sit down and explain this to him calmly and hopefully he will listen and desist from seeing her.

AnyFucker Fri 02-Sep-16 22:14:59

I don't like the sound of your husband

He is blaming you for his lies

Fuck that shit

NanaNina Sat 03-Sep-16 01:29:42

I agree with thefourgp - I think she's dead right. The thing is if there was nothing going on he could have told you "Betty" was going on the evening out, but he didn't, and then blamed you for "going on about it" if he'd told you and you don't do that anyway, but even if you did, he'd still not have told you. How do you know there was another person there?

My guess is it's an emotional affair and that can be conducted by e mail/text/phone, very easily. And the team day out, how do you know that OH hasn't invited her, no matter that there are 22 others, it doesn't matter - she's going and you only know that because your friend told you.

I'm sorry it might all be innocent but many posters are advising you to trust your instincts and I think that's right. Do you not have access to his laptop/tablet/phone - might be an idea to do a bit of snooping. You could ask to see his itemised mobile phone bill. Mind some men (and probably woman) keep a phone at work and have a different provider and different e mail addresses.

I think it's the waiting game for you OP and I hope for your sake it's innocent but I don't believe it is, not at all.

Anyfucker do you have to be so rude?

AnyFucker Sat 03-Sep-16 09:31:16

NanaNina what's it to you ?

Livelovebehappy Sat 03-Sep-16 09:52:24

Sounds like typical male behaviour, ie; he knows you would be annoyed if he mentioned she was going to be there, as you indicated in the past that you disliked them communicating with each other so much, so he has lied about her being there now to avoid confrontation with you, as it's the easier option. I wouldn't be suspicious of it, but would definitely just keep your eyes and ears open, as although your DH might not view her in any other way than an old work colleague, her motives might be different.

SeaCabbage Sat 03-Sep-16 10:36:44

I agree with LiveLove, he knows you don't like the way this woman behaved so he is avoiding confrontation by not telling you that she will be there.

And although he might not be having an affair, it does sound like he liked her due to him going above and beyond what he should have done for her when he was her mentor. She sounds a complete pain in the arse and he did nothing to stop that behaviour. Was he flattered? Enjoy the attention maybe.

I hope you can have it out with him.

AnyFucker Sat 03-Sep-16 11:47:10

I don't agree that it is "typical male behaviour". It is, however, the typical behaviour of a liar.

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