Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Secret Girlfriend.

(38 Posts)
justme1989 Tue 30-Aug-16 16:52:07

Met my DP 5 years ago on holiday. He was on a stag do. Not his. Got on very well. Turned out we lived local. Arranged to meet when we got back.
1st date back. He told me he was unhappily engaged. With 2 children. Aged then 3 and 8.
Wrongly I know. I continued seeing him. 3 weeks later he ended his engagement and relationship with her. Not telling her he had met someone else.
He moved into a rented houseHad his kids to stay 2-3 nights a week. I stayed the other nights. Totally understood it wasn't a decision to rush into.
5 years later. He still has not told his ex- but is quick to point out he is not interested in her. And has not told his children about me. Because he doesn't want to risk them being hurt. He barely sees them now does the school run sometimes. And 1-2 hours one day on the weekend. He blames this on me. Because he wants us to work. What am I missing?
We rented a flat together for a while. They never came over. Apparently no one asked where he lived.
His parents and friends all know me. His parents lie for him.
We have had big rows some my fault. Some his. I am very insecure. He regularly "breaks up" with me and vanishes for a couple of nights. Tells me he is done. Then comes back because he can't live with out me.
Am I wasting my time?

VodkaValiumLattePlease Tue 30-Aug-16 16:54:33

Sounds like he's in another unhappy relationship, you reap what you sow...

Lunar1 Tue 30-Aug-16 16:55:05

Is a dead beat dad who cheats and keeps you a secret really the person you want to grow old with?

FellOutOfBed2wice Tue 30-Aug-16 16:55:52

Where does he go when he disappears, OP?

justme2116 Tue 30-Aug-16 16:58:09

He says he goes to his parents. That's where he told his ex he lives.
He even says he doesn't live with me to me. Even though he stays most nights.

Vodkavaliumlatteeplease - what do you mean?

VodkaValiumLattePlease Tue 30-Aug-16 16:59:36

I mean he's treating you the same way he treated his ex, treatment that you were seemingly okay with.

VodkaValiumLattePlease Tue 30-Aug-16 16:59:53

Or a more simplistic 'karma'

princessmi12 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:00:11

We rented a flat together for a while. They never came over. Apparently no one asked where he lived.
Do you live separate now? Not sure how it would work ,going from living together into just seeing each other again?

justme2116 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:02:09

Well now in a different flat which is in my name. And he says he doesn't live here. But he does. We see eachother the same amount.
All his mail goes to his ex's. Where it always has gone.

adora1 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:03:07

So you are now getting treated like a piece of shit just like his wife was, and as for having an affair, you are both vile for doing that, why did you think it alright to be with a man that was regularly lying and cheating on his wife, does that not show you what he is capable of?

Hardly sees his kids, again, his own fault, he put his penis before his family and his now paying the price, don't be surprised though if he ends up back in her bed, he seems to enjoy the drama.

He leaves and disappears for two nights and then reappears, not normal or acceptable by anyone's standards, I don't see any hope for any of this working out.

justme2116 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:04:07

Vodkavaliumlatteeplease- Just to be clear - we went out for drinks - nothing more! Admittedly I wouldn't be happy if he did that to me either. But at the time he said they were breaking up. And they did break up!

justme2116 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:05:20

Adora1 - I didn't cheat! I went for drinks 3 times!

MandyFl0ss Tue 30-Aug-16 17:08:00

justme2116, sure you realise you deserve better.

Resilience16 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:13:02

Don't waste any more time on this eejit.After 5 years "together" you are still expected to be a secret? Please!
He has not intention of committing to you and is probably still seeing the wife (or some other gullible woman) behind your back.
Cut your losses, get some self respect and call it a day.

princessmi12 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:15:04

He's treating you as temporary thing.
So he practically lives with you but denies it? It's a relationship but not "real relationship " .

adora1 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:16:24

You are wasting your time yes, you don't even have a proper relationship.

VodkaValiumLattePlease Tue 30-Aug-16 17:17:40

Exactly... He treated her badly and went off with another woman.. what do you think will happen to you?

Tiggeryoubastard Tue 30-Aug-16 17:19:12

Sounds like you reaped what you sowed with this twat. His poor kids and ex.

LumpyMcBentface Tue 30-Aug-16 17:19:19

He has other irons in the fire.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Tue 30-Aug-16 17:29:55

Am I wasting my time?

Yes.

Trifleorbust Tue 30-Aug-16 17:39:44

He sounds like a complete waste of space, and you sound like you'll believe anything. We all mistakes, OP - write him off as one of yours.

ElspethFlashman Tue 30-Aug-16 17:43:21

You sound like his mistress. Thats how he treats you. Like a backstreet secret.

I can't believe you've wasted 5 years on this fool. That's 5 years you'll never get back.

AyeAmarok Tue 30-Aug-16 17:52:56

Time to call it a day. You've let this non-relationship drag on for 5 years. What a waste of your life.

End it, move on. Next time go for someone unattached and let this be a lesson to you.

TheNaze73 Tue 30-Aug-16 18:04:42

You're a dirty little secret to him. I wouldn't see it as a waste of 5 years, if you learn from it but, I'd get an STD check as I'd gamble my house on the fact that he's not been faithfull

justme2116 Tue 30-Aug-16 19:13:37

Tiggeryoubastard: I don't think I did anything wrong. I met a guy for drinks. He left his fiancée and we got together. I feel bad for his children. But it's not my fault.
Maybe you think I'm selfish. But why Pitt his ex? He pays her a lot of money every month. she lives in a nice house. She wants for nothing.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now