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I think I'm a mess

(43 Posts)
ayeshaa Sat 20-Aug-16 14:27:18

its my first post on here, I have been lurking for a while and I think you MN lot are amazing in terms of honest advice and a general life wisdom
I am in my mid/late 30's, no kids, I left my husband couple years ago due to all sorts of abuse, from verbal to physical violence, I have literally left everything and ran away, moved 200 miles away and started fresh from scratch. This has set me back career and money wise, but at least there was no abuse. Police put me in touch with womens aid, but in the end I refused to accept any sort of help from them. now I regret it.
I now found myself depressed, at times I feel guilty that I left him, I can form any form of relationship since - I wasn't ready for a while so was happy with just fun - now I feel ready but find it difficult to open up. New city means that I have no roots, no friends, I feel very isolated and extremely lonely which adds to the grief. I had quite a good career in the old place, after moving I took up a job with a pay cut and without prospects ( I just wanted out and away from him) thinking it will keep me going for couple months and then I will look for something up to my previous experience and qualifications, end up stuck here, recently started to look for a job in line with experience and education and I am being asked why there is a step down in my cv - obviously it doesn't say on my cv why I did that.
I feel utterly useless, alone, contemplating what is the purpose of my existence at all. I spend whole weekends sleeping, I feel so lonely it almost hurts. I would never go back to my ex, but I find it so hard to move on. I got nobody I can talk to in RL. I don't think anybody would believe what I feel anyway, I'm being seen as attractive and successful, I don't lack male attention but I don't believe anyone can like me just for me, so its ends up with me pushing them away as soon as we get intimate. I feel so unhappy, so useless, so lonely. I have no confidence at all, I hate myself.
I hope I am even making any sense here now?

RickOShay Sat 20-Aug-16 14:42:21

Ayesha, do you like you for you? That is most important thing, how you feel about yourself. It sounds like you have been through a lot, do you respect yourself for getting out of that relationship? Have you had any kind of counselling since your relationship ended? I think you need to focus on yourself for a bit, practise being kind to yourself. All is not lost. It will be alright you know. flowers

RickOShay Sat 20-Aug-16 14:44:15

Ahh sorry I missed the bit where you say you hate yourself. That is hard, really hard. I would suggest counselling ASAP.

Scribblegirl Sat 20-Aug-16 14:45:11

Have you looked at the Freedom Programme OP?

It will take time to get your confidence up but well done you - both for leaving, and for being self aware enough to know that you are sinking at the moment and wanting to change something (even if it seems a bit hard at the moment) flowers

ayeshaa Sat 20-Aug-16 14:53:57

RickOShay
I am happy I got out of this relationship, in the hindsight I know I should have done it much sooner, I dwell on thinking had I ended it earlier, I would be happier now, I wouldn't waste so many years etc
I was booked for counseling couple times, ended up cancelling it last minute, just like with womens aid help, I feel so ashamed that I cant deal with it myself, I m dreading I wouldn't be taken seriously. I just wanna go to sleep and never wake up.
Scribblegirl
No I havent looked into it, do you think it would work? you are so right I feel like I am sinking, I thought it will get better after I left him but it gets worse over time, as in I feel worse

ayeshaa Sat 20-Aug-16 15:30:12

also, my ex does txt me every now and again and makes me feeling even more worthless. even though I cut all ties and dont speak to him at all.

RickOShay Sat 20-Aug-16 15:51:29

Ayesha, you deserve to feel ok. We all make mistakes, every single one of us, and it is hard to deal with, but there are people who can help you, it is hard to pick up the phone when you feel like you do, but that is the way forward, phone women's aid or your gp. You will get there, you deserve to feel better, you really do. Please phone.

ayeshaa Sat 20-Aug-16 16:15:13

I went to my gp few years go, when I was still with my ex. She told me every relationship has good and bad days and its best if I speak to my husband and explain I dont like the way he treats me. It was when he didnt speak to me for over 2 weeks and I just couldnt take it anymore, I only told her about the verbal and emotional abuse, I didnt have balls to tell her its physical violence too. she didnt ask and generally seemed uninterested and made me feel like Im wasting her time.
Cam I even get in touch with womens aid now, when my life in not in an immediate danger as I dont live with him anymore?

RickOShay Sat 20-Aug-16 16:19:17

Of course you can sweetheart. Phone them. They will understand. You can get through this, you just need to talk about how you feel to somebody who understands. They will. It sometimes takes years and years to work through stuff, but you can do it, You ex does not own your future, you do. Take heart.

Shizzlestix Sat 20-Aug-16 16:31:04

Please block his number or change yours. You can go to your GP or other services for support with how you feel.

FreeFromHarm Sat 20-Aug-16 16:32:18

Ayeshaa, I am in the same position as you in a WA safe house, miles from home, no family, you need some counseling , it is always a temptation to return to your abuser, you should be very proud of yourself and definitely look to go on the freedom programme

ayeshaa Sat 20-Aug-16 16:44:24

I sent an email to a local freedom programme venue, I found it on their website. no response as of yet. I feel so lonely and so embarrassed to talk to anyone about how I feel. I have no friends here now, my only good friend is miles away, she knows a lot but still not all of it.

RickOShay Sat 20-Aug-16 16:47:21

You have nothing to feel ashamed of, nothing. Well done for sending an email. flowers. I am stuck on my sofa all afternoon if you need company.

Nanny0gg Sat 20-Aug-16 16:49:35

Would you seek help if you had a broken leg? It's no different. No-one just has to 'cope' on their own, counselling will help, please take advantage of it.
And please block his number so he can't get in touch with you.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 20-Aug-16 16:56:10

You need professional help in order to come to terms with the abuse you suffered.

Google citysocializer or meetup where you will find lots of people wanting to get out and meet others

Only you can change your current circumstances there is no magic wand, change always comes from within

ayeshaa Sat 20-Aug-16 16:56:19

RickOShay
I'm stuck on the sofa too, I had so mnay plans for today but I feel so numb and cant move. Thank you all for taking time out your Saturday to even reply to me, the first reply to my post made me cry literally. I hate my life and myself at the moment, I hate that I need to put the brave face and pretend everything is ok at work, if it wasnt for the bills I have to pay I wouldnt get up at all. I want to make friends, open up, meet people and move on but I dont even know where to start.

RickOShay Sat 20-Aug-16 17:19:35

Ayesha, it is ok. Don't underestimate what you have been through, and got yourself out of, it is massive and you have done so well to get yourself out of it, it was not your fault. I think that you have probably been surviving on adrenaline for a while which kind of protects you, and now you are left with the bones of your life thinking Is this it?. It take a long time to get through trauma, don't give up now. You deserve the life you want, and you can have it, corny as it sounds you need to heal yourself first, respect yourself, your feelings, your sense of loss and what could have been and the reality of your present. You can do this, you really can, there is nothing to be ashamed of, your feelings are valid and important. flowers

ayeshaa Sat 20-Aug-16 17:59:11

I think that you have probably been surviving on adrenaline for a while which kind of protects you, and now you are left with the bones of your life thinking Is this it?
This exactly how I feel right now, I thought that once I leave him I will be happy but I'm so far from being happy right now.

RickOShay Sat 20-Aug-16 18:08:15

Give yourself a break. You will be. You have to forgive yourself deeply and properly. It is ok to me and to have done things I have done. This can take a long time and is easier if you have help. You will come through this, like you came through your marriage, and you will start to feel safe. It is all about how you feel about yourself, nothing else really matters.
Sending you a hug.

ayeshaa Sat 20-Aug-16 18:30:16

thank you Rick
I really want to, I really do. Its just so hard.
He txt me few days ago, and it made me feel guilty again, almost as if it was all my fault. He said he wanted to have a family and kids and I left him. He also apologized. There is no need for that, it only bring bad memories back. I ignored all texts. He doesnt know where I live now.

RickOShay Sat 20-Aug-16 19:28:24

It is hard. I think you should block his number, he's not doing you any good. He is not part of your future and that is a good good thing. He would have ramped up the abuse once you had children. You did and are doing the right thing. It is just not easy. You have to learn who you are, forgive yourself and start trusting yourself and the world again, this is hard, but not impossible. Go gently with yourself, learn to pick yourself up every time you fall no matter how tiny that fall is. Find yourself a counsellor you connect with, even if that takes time, it is worth it. You have everything you need within yourself, and then you can start to trust other people again.

ayeshaa Sat 20-Aug-16 19:37:06

are you speaking from experience Rick?

mostlyslowly Sat 20-Aug-16 19:46:39

Ayesha, as a man who's always thought of himself as nigh on indestructible, I hit a wall earlier this year and a friend forced me to go to my gp. The realisation that dawned nearly broke me completely, but with antidepressants and some good friends I'm on the way back up. You can do it too , possibly with similar help. Good luck

ayeshaa Sat 20-Aug-16 20:33:47

I havent got any friends here and I find it hard to open up

RickOShay Sat 20-Aug-16 21:09:42

Just life experience. I have had different traumatic experiences but I know what it is to hate yourself for things that aren't your fault. It has taken me a long time to love myself, too long.

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