Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DH doesn't know what he wants

(49 Posts)
ThePinkCat Sat 20-Aug-16 00:32:22

DH and I split just over 2 months ago. We had been together for 10 years, married for 6 and three young DC. It was completely out of the blue and I was devastated. He was with someone else and living with her less than 2 weeks later.... introduced DC to her etc (against my wishes).

We continued to text and he has spent weeks telling me how he loves me, he wishes it was me that was there, he made a massive mistake blah blah blah. Last week he told me he had ended it with her and she had moved out. (He has told me at least once or twice a week for 4 weeks before this of massive arguments they constantly have) so this week I agreed we could give it another go now that she was out of the picture. Maybe get our marriage back on track.

I stayed at his after work on wednesday (felt extremely awkward because that's the place they shared together). He has been telling his family and friends we were back together and that we were looking to get a new home together.

Then suddenly she is back at his (which I only found out about through a third party) so obviously I'm left feeling pretty hurt... and now all he can say is 'I don't know what I want' and that I need to give him time to figure it out.

I feel like I've been played a treat. And I keep going back. He won't answer me when I ask why he'd do that to me. I spent the week asking him if he was sure this is what he wants. Gave him every opportunity to back out and all he ever said was I love you, I want our family back together, I want our marriage to work out. I feel like crying. And then sending her all the messages he has sent me. But where would that get me?
I'm pretty sure It won't make me feel any better.

Don't know where I go from here sad

CodyKing Sat 20-Aug-16 00:36:18

Seriously this is all new and raw to you - he's had more time romp rivers his situation

If and a big if you want to work at it - let him stay there and date you - from the beginning - play hard to get because your worth more than a night at his

If not - hold your head up high and stick to strictly child arrangements

I doubt you'll really want him back once to accept the freedom it gives you

ImperialBlether Sat 20-Aug-16 00:38:56

Oh I think if he's still messing about with someone else, let him go. He's not a prize to be fought over.

Keeping your dignity is worth so much. Just say you're letting him go and good luck to him.

You will suddenly seem more attractive to him, but try not to weaken. You are the prize; he's an idiot.

Mummydummy Sat 20-Aug-16 00:45:01

So sorry. He's a bit of a child, he wants to keep you and have the other woman, he's not brave enough to make grown up decisions and by doing so is messing everyone around.

Cut the cord. Don't communicate, be firm and clear. You will not be treated like that, you deserve to be treated with respect and love. You need a complete break. If in 6 months time he made a proper decision he would have to work so so hard to convince you, frankly, I dont think he's got it in him. You know in your heart of hearts, he's weak and not worth it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 20-Aug-16 00:49:31

Yes you have been played. He loves the ego boost.

OW wants him. Result! He's so studtastic! Ok so the reality of living with him is a bit shit and she dumps him or vice versa.

He publicly degrades you by going off with her and introducing the children but you will still beg for scraps. You even stayed over at OW's place. What a stud! The ladies can't help themselves.

OW feels threatened (oh the irony) and now she wants more too. Two women begging for him. Stud!!!!

That's why he does it.

Where you go from here is building a lovely new life while secretly hoping she dumps him again so you can tell him to fuck off when he makes his booty call.

Do you know what the "pick me dance" is? You've been doing it. Don't. You will die of shame when you look back on it when you are not very much older.

redisthenewblack Sat 20-Aug-16 00:49:36

He's fucking with your head. Why let him?

It's hard, but concentrate on YOU and your DC. YOU call the shots.

If YOU want it to be over, YOU tell him that! if YOU want to try again YOU tell him what he needs to do to regain YOUR trust. YOU are in the power position here. Don't let him decide everything.

Put a time frame in place if you need to.

He's having his cake and eating it too. YOU and your DC are worth wayyyyyy more than that!


FuzzyDiamond Sat 20-Aug-16 01:03:16

What an arsehole he is, I bet you would never treat him like that. Even if you take him back you will never trust him again. You owe it to yourself to close the door on him and concentrate on you. Get your confidence, happiness and self esteem back up. You don't deserve to be made to feel like an option after 10 years of loyalty.

tribpot Sat 20-Aug-16 02:34:19

Seems to me he does know what he wants, which is two women falling over themselves trying to keep him. He must have seen the writing on the wall when you took him back so quickly after the alleged end of his other relationship. No reason not to play you both. Except human decency, of course. He doesn't appear to have any.

As the others have said, the smart play - whether you want him back or not - is to tell him you're taking a break from the relationship too in order to assess your options. Make sure the same friends and family he told (in order to railroad you into keeping quiet out of embarrassment) know he has moved his mistress back in days after announcing you had reconciled.

Don't send his mistress the messages. You really wouldn't want her to reciprocate, given he's no doubt been saying the same things to her.

Easystreet52 Sat 20-Aug-16 07:29:01

You need to take the Bull by the horns and end it. No one is worth this much effort and tears.

AyeAmarok Sat 20-Aug-16 07:37:18

What tribpot said.

Don't let him dictate what happens with your marriage. You make the decision for yourself, "you've treated me appallingly, it's over".

When he says he "needs space", what he's saying is he wants both, he wants (to have sex with) both of you. Don't let your self-esteem take that kicking, it will damage you long term.

He's a total dick. You deserve so much better flowers

LippyLiz Sat 20-Aug-16 07:40:49

I refused to admit the majority of MN were right. Me and DH were reconciling, he moved back 3 weeks ago only to find out yesterday that they're still in contact. I've told him it's over. Honestly, save yourself the agony of thinking he'll change. I thought mine had. I was so wrong. Hugs

JennyHolzersGhost Sat 20-Aug-16 07:41:19

He's a twat. Stop doing the pick-me dance, stop communicating with him. Anything that needs to be said must be said by email and should relate only to practical arrangements for childcare, parenting and the divorce. Write off any chance of being together in future - rule it out completely. That possibility is gone (I know it's hard). Get a shit-hot lawyer. Tell family and friends exactly what has gone on - it's his shame, not yours - so don't protect him from it.

Resilience16 Sat 20-Aug-16 07:42:15

He is a liar, a bullshitter and a headworker. If he really wanted to be with you, he would be, simple as that. Instead he wants to hedge his bets and have his cake and eat it.
He doesn't love you, if he did he wouldn't treat you like this.
You deserve better. Leave him to his new woman, and consider you've had a lucky escape. I know it is hard and it hurts like hell, but you will come out the other side, and wonder why you ever put up with his crap.
Seriously, if you took him back, would you ever be able to trust him again?
You and your kids deserve better.

flumpybear Sat 20-Aug-16 07:45:09

Walk away - tell him to look after your kids at your home as you're going on a date .... Then spams the night away and pamper yourself .... Don't tell anyone so he can get a taste of his own medicine

flumpybear Sat 20-Aug-16 07:45:37

Spams * spend!!

CodyKing Sat 20-Aug-16 09:14:54

It really helps to list his shitty ways - write them down - keep looking at it

Tell your friends (don't be surprised when they tell you they knew you weren't right together)

I think you're upset because you 'lost'
But most people go back for another look - its a natural instinct - you've done nothing wrong

Horsemad Sat 20-Aug-16 09:39:36

And whilst you're following the excellent advice you've been given here, get booked in for a sti check.

SandyY2K Sat 20-Aug-16 10:13:46

Don't allow this anymore.

Tell his family about it.
Tell his OW if you want.

He's using you when he thinks she's gone.

Lweji Sat 20-Aug-16 11:46:36

It's definitely you who needs to decide what you want.

Do you want a cheating bastard you can never be sure of?

That is the question you should be asking.

He is a selfish arse. What he wants should be irrelevant for you.
It's your happiness that counts and you will have to decide if you can be happy with someone you can never be sure of or trust.

AnyFucker Sat 20-Aug-16 11:51:39

Make the decision yourself. Tell this dog with 2 dicks he's blown it for good

Your self respect will thank you for it.

magoria Sat 20-Aug-16 11:56:13

Simply he doesn't want to be alone.

If she doesn't want him then you will do.

Not because he loves and wants you but because it is better than being alone.

If he said fuck off, bye and only contact you to see DC you wouldn't entertain a second chance.

If he acts all tortured and confused you make think he still cares for you rather than just himself.

Chillyegg Sat 20-Aug-16 12:08:18

He is a grade a cunt. Like my ex.

Leave with your head held high and your dignity. It will hurt loads at the start but my god will you be happier when yoi realise tou can actually do everything by your self and not be made to feel like a 2nd class citizen.

Also if hes moved this woman in quickly after the first time he left then that shows hes pribably been seeing her a while. If start collecting eveidence of money etc and sleak toa solicitor about divorce.
Also of hea had sex with her then kost likely other women go get your self checked. Youll be fine just best to doubke check.

ThePinkCat Sat 20-Aug-16 12:13:07

I know you are right and I should tell him where to go. I don't think I could ever feel secure in our marriage again and that's no way to live.

I'm trying to reconcile in my own mind the man I married and the behaviour he is displaying now. It's so hard because when we are together he makes me feel so special, he's an incredible father and works hard to provide for us all.

I feel physically sick at the thought of him making love to me on wednesday night and her being back in the same bed the next angry

magoria Sat 20-Aug-16 12:15:17

May I also suggest a trip to the STI clinic.

ImperialBlether Sat 20-Aug-16 12:19:34

The thing is that unless you keep that thought at the front of your mind, you'll end up repeating this cycle.

He thinks he's a prize to be fought over. She's confirming this. Now you need to knock it on the head. Tell him you don't even like him any more, never mind love him. Tell him he's not the man you thought he was. He's not, is he? Tell him you don't care who he's with now - you don't want him and you're moving on.

It'll be a punch in the gut for him, but that's what he needs. And don't ever go back. Don't ever forget what he's done.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now