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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

just found out that husband was a really bad school bully, would it put you off?

53 replies

fdeborah990 · 13/08/2016 22:18

hi, i am incredibly upset. some people may think its silly as it was so long ago but it has really affected me, the news i mean, as i was badly bullied at school and i developed depression so i really do know the affects.

tonight we met up with a few of my husbands old school friends they had recently seen each other at a school meet up for people who went to their school during certain years. so he wanted to catch up again it was nice and we had a few laughs about things that i never knew as they were too embarrassing, it was funny... until someone he knew made a joke about some girl and they referred to her with a horrible nickname (she wasnt there by the way) and i was a bit like oh thats mean and his friend when on to say 'oh thats nothing, he did this this this and this' ranging from disrespectful comments to full on grabbing girls hair, it wasnt as if he sat there saying how sorry he was he was there trying to hold back the laughter, which is what i thought was really sad as i just thought oh my gosh what a horrible smart arse teen you were but its the way he still found it funny that i thought was sickening.

i know its stupid so please dont be too harsh... we have been married 10 years! no problems either which is why i might come across as silly but it has really bothered me and im struggling to see him the way i did before. im genuinely really upset by this.

OP posts:

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maggiethemagpie · 13/08/2016 22:20

Well, people can change a lot over the years! I am completely diferent now to how I was as a child or teen, I'd hate to be judged on how I was then as opposed to how I was now. Can you talk to him about it? Maybe he's remorseful.

0hCrepe · 13/08/2016 22:20

I would be upset and shocked by that too. Maybe he was down playing it by laughing but actually feels awful now. I would be asking him.

fdeborah990 · 13/08/2016 22:25

maggie i would agree too thats what i thought at first but its the way he laughed with it, he didnt try to defend himself by saying 'oh yeah i know, but i have really changed now and regret it' each time the friend said something else, he would snigger, properly, it wasnt some kind of nervous laughter. he literally was trying to hold it back.

OP posts:

Cocoabutton · 13/08/2016 22:25

That is awful.

Sounds like being back with teen friends made him revert back to his teen behaviour - which was mean.

Bullies tend to be insecure and hide behind bravado, and making others smaller than them, but as you know, there are long term effects on the victim often. I would ask him about it, and don't let him brush it off - why does he still think that was okay?

Cocoabutton · 13/08/2016 22:26

It makes him sound really horrible, tbh. Ditto the friends.

BodsAuntieFlo · 13/08/2016 22:27

I couldn't let this go if it was me. If he'd laughed I'd have said something. I don't buy the "I'm different now" shit. He should al least reflect on his actions back then and show remorse for bullying that girl. I have no time for bullies at any age.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 13/08/2016 22:30

Have you said something to him? I would be pulling him up on his behaviour then and his reaction to it now..can totally imagine how disgusted you feel by it. Perhaps he was reverting back to teenage type but that's a pretty horrid type to be!

fdeborah990 · 13/08/2016 22:32

i know im utterly disgusted. i feel all ew whenever he has tried to touch me since we left, or tried to be affectionate :( god knows how he affected that poor girl and still the way he sees it as funny. he knows im not happy and has tried the 'oh come on, it was so many years ago' which makes it worse really that he has even come out with that comment as he knows full well how my depression has affected me many years later, and he was probably deep down thinking how stupid i am to still let something 'from so many years ago' affect me.

i have changed a couple of details btw in hope it doesnt completely make me noticeable if someone i know reads

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 13/08/2016 22:33

I really hate bullying.

I think your DH laughed as a defence mechanism TBH. You know lots of boys actually like the girl they bullied, but don't know how to say it and revert to bullying.

I'm sure it's not something he's proud off, but doesn't know how to say that or he's buried that behaviour because he's ashamed deep down.

Bullies are insecure.

fdeborah990 · 13/08/2016 22:36

hmm not sure i agree with that whole guys like the girls they bully nonsense. maybe its true in some cases but definitely not all.

but a defence mechanism is a embarrassed laugh, not some kind of hysterical trying to hold back the tears belly laugh.

im getting in the bath to have a soak, i wont be long :(

all his friends have kids aswell, we have children, i hate to think he thinks thats okay

OP posts:

GingerbreadGingerbread · 13/08/2016 22:39

Sounds like it brought back bad memories for you and that's why you feel like this but I think your reaction is disproportionate to what was said especially since you have no problems in your marriage and the real problem is you are thinking of how you felt when you got bullied. Don't project that onto your DH let it go.

Cocoabutton · 13/08/2016 22:44

Actually, the thing is, with 'come on, it was so many years ago', the point is, so many years ago, such behaviour negatively affected your life.

I don't think he is thinking why did it affect you badly, more he is not willing to own that it shows him in a bad light, or that he has acted really badly. I mean, it is not what he thinks about you, so much as a refusal to think about himself and question his earlier judgment now. The latter is what is the problem for your marriage; you could work it out easier if you were on the same page about it being horrid behavior, regardless of when or why it happened.

Cocoabutton · 13/08/2016 22:46

Ask him if he would be laughing if someone behaved like that to one of his DC.

junebirthdaygirl · 13/08/2016 22:53

When my db was in boarding school they did horrendous things to lads in lower years. He had it done to him in first year and continued on to join into it in higher years. Hearing him tell it now it's like some hilarious episode that wasn't really real but just fun. Yet he is the kindest person so helpful to everyone a great dad. I wonder how your dh would feel if someone bullied your dd like that. I think that it's like something that happened in a movie and they don't really see the reality for the person.

Bogeyface · 13/08/2016 22:55

Had he been genuinely ashamed about it then I would let it go. We were all dicks when we were kids. But to still find it funny now shows that he has no real idea about how he affected that poor girl.

Yes, it would make me see him differently.

blinkowl · 13/08/2016 22:58

Agree with Bogey. If it was in his past, he'd moved on and was now ashamed of his earlier behaviour, that would be forgivable. But that he still finds it funny is telling, and disturbing.

It would make me see him differently too.

Anonymouses · 13/08/2016 23:02

I think it would upset me less if he admitted he was a twat and was sorry. If he still thinks it's oh so funny I suspect I would be wondering what kind of arsehole man child I had married.

SallyMcgally · 13/08/2016 23:06

This is really upsetting. DS1 is bullied and I keep waiting for the day when his bullies have to face up to just how vile they are. If I thought that in 20 yrs they'd still be laughing at him and how they've made him feel, I'd hate them even more.
Do, please, ask him how he'll feel if one of your children ends up crying day after day because of what the bullies are doing. Ask him how he'll feel if they crush your child's self-esteem. Ask him why he's been so blind to the effects bullying has had on you. And then ask him if he still finds it funny.
Prick.

Floggingmolly · 13/08/2016 23:11

So they're all adults now, and still sniggering about the bullying they did at school?? I couldn't be with someone like this, tbh. I just couldn't.

Damselindestress · 13/08/2016 23:16

I would be worried that he still found it funny. I'd feel differently if he was genuinely remorseful. I was bullied at school and it had a long term impact on my confidence, body image, ability to trust, health and education. Your husband lacks the empathy to understand the impact his actions may have had on his victim. Bullying if done as an adult would be considered emotional and physical abuse, it's concerning that he thinks this is funny and acceptable behaviour. Ask him how he would feel if it happened to your DC to help him understand.

SandyY2K · 13/08/2016 23:18

I didn't realise it was a holding back the tears belly hysterics laugh.

That shows no remorse at all. I was in tears when I sat in the headteachers office because my DD was being bullied. It was so upsetting.

Then I had to tell her she didn't have to go to school because of what some bullies had planned for her.

It was truly gut wrenching.

In fact, for any of his friends to even bring up those stories shows none of them think it was wrong.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/08/2016 23:26

How awful - your DH is a fucking prick

Have you seen 'The Gift' with Jason Bateman? Watch it with him, see if he squirms.

LemonSqueezy0 · 14/08/2016 00:05

He sounds like a proper dick and I absolutely don't think your reaction is weird or disproportionate. It's nothing to do with whether 'he liked her or not' and I hope we can move away from this type of excuse for when people act in such a vile way.. Him laughing now Is the key, as he obviously still thinks it's funny and acceptable behaviour. Sorry this has happened OP, but I'm not at all suprised it's made you see your DH in a different light.

HelenaDove · 14/08/2016 00:15

How appalling. And he still finds it funny. I would be feeling the same way as you OP. i was badly bullied in high school. To the point that there was a while where i got to leave school early each day.

Lemon i totally agree This "hes picking on you because he likes you" message has now manifested itself into the practice of "negging"

Because the wrong message has been allowed to run unchecked for decades.

CodyKing · 14/08/2016 00:23

We were all dicks when we were kids

No we weren't - Some kids are bullies - it might be funny or a power game or even showing off. It is not an acceptable excuse to terrorise another human into school refusal, crying, not sleeping not eating.

You can do it at work so why is it ok at school?

DD was bullied and the scars are still there - the way she interacts with others, lack of trust in adults and peers, she's fought back, but she will never be 'undamaged'

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