Been with partner for 10 years, will not marry

[Berk2000]

Hi,
I've been with an amazing loyal, kind man for 10 years. We have two 16 year olds (he has daughter, I have son) from different marriages and very similar backgrounds, our family even live near us, it seems perfect.
He told me a year into our relationship that he didn't believe in marriage and didn't want children, I loved him so much that I was willing to compromise. At the start my relationship with his daughter who was then 6 was challenging, however we overcame this. My son and I moved into his house 6 years ago (4 years into the relationship) and we were happy.
Three years ago my grandparents passed away and monies were given to my son for a public school education. My son is extremely happy and thriving at a top boys boarding school. My partner encouraged this initially.
Over the last 3 years our relationship has started to see cracks. I think his daughter is very manipulative (aren't all little daddies girls) and he dotes on her, she lives with her mother who has since remarried, divorced and now on third boyfriend. His daughter has not had a stable upbringing and she needs her dad, I respect this, he needs her too. However he struggles to be firm with her, perhaps out of guilt.
However in the last three years, I have started to resent this relationship and admit to being jealous as I see him pouring affection over his daughter but don't feel I am getting any back. It's horrible, I feel so bad that I have these feelings, maybe because it's my age, I'm 45. It's making me say things I regret.
Secondly there have been financial issues, even although we are both from established connected well to do families, we have no cash, everything is tied up in assets and our earning power is low. As said, he lives in a Stunning location right near the sea and on a golf course which I love and have made many friends recently through learning to play.He will not allow me to contribute to the house up keep and there are some structural problems in the house that need sorting. Instead he spends the time himself trying to do quick fixes that never work. Meanwhile I rent my house and have income form rent that I could help him with, I've offered many time, he won't accept it. But then I know he secretly resents this as he often comes out with comments about how I'm loaded and I have no idea how lucky I am ( I do). I feel like I'm nagging.
I have made his house a home by filling it with lovely things to make it cosy inside, cooking and cleaning, however compared to the cost of mortgage, bills etc this goes unnoticed.
We hit rock bottom at the weekend over an issue at a wedding where he allowed his daughter a double room on her own whilst my son had to share with us. I secretly wanted some time with him to 'make up' but he allowed his daughter the privacy ove and above ours.
This caused a massive argument and he said things to my son about his privileged education, my son was very upset.Neither my son or I attended the wedding.
My dilemma is that I love this man, he's kind, loyal, family orientated and caring however he will never marry me or even show future commitment in other ways, he will put his daughter first and not allow me to contribute. My self esteem has hit rock bottom and I am concerned about the future for me and my son as well as setting an example to my son about 'putting up with being second best' . Should I accept the status quo to me with this man, I can't stop thinking that I will have the same niggles in ten years time that will eat away at me, making me resentful and nasty but I'm not sure I can give up this man as he is decent and kind with good values, a rare thing.
Not sure what to do.

[trafalgargal]

Why didn't you just book and pay for a room for your son yourself?

[TheNaze73]

Sadly OP, you've answered your own question, he's said all along that he doesn't want to get married.

Secondly, from what you've said about him, I'm struggling to see why you'd want to either. You are not and never will be a priority in his life. Timescales on all this though are irrelevant, he's told you it's not for him.

[trafalgargal]

His daughter is sixteen in two years both kids will be away at uni and he'll be lucky to see half as much of her . He may be aware of this and making the most of her whilst he can. Jealousy is very unattractive though and could do your relationship a lot of damage in the meantime.

[B2000]

I agree I should have booked room for my son if I had known that this was the plan. However there were no rooms left, I thought the obvious solution was for the two kids to have the large room with extra large sofa bed to themselves. Clearly not.
It's not the room per se, it's the principle of not discussing the situation ad finding an adult solution, he just gave in to his daughters wishes.

[B2000]

I agree jealousy is horrible, I hate myself for it. It's knowing how to stop feeling like it. is it a two way process, can my partner help by being aware of how I feel, I know that I can also behave differently. Just don't know how right now.

[B2000]

Also forgot to say, that we had a lovely activity holiday booked for this Saturday with the children, neither children want to go as a family now. Should I suggest we go together and try to use the time to sort things out, or should I just let him go with his daughter. I can go somewhere else with my son later. I feel so upset, I was so looking forward but secretly concerned about going on a holiday with two 16 year olds which is why we booked the activity holiday.

[princessmi12]

name change fail? :)

[SandyY2K]

He doesn't want you to contribute to the home so that you don't lay any claims on it in the future.

I don't think marriage to him is the best thing for you with all the issues you've raised here.

Perhaps his daughter is also jealous of you and that's why she plays up.

[B2000]

Thanks everyone for your comments, I know I need to sort my feelings out myself, but having a balanced view and your comments back to me are helpful.
I realise my email makes me seem like a spolit brat wanting it all, but I'm just not happy. Feeling secure and loved is so important as my last husband walked out on me after an affair, my self esteem is poor ( even although deep down I know I'm a bright attractive woman) which is making me feel resentful and needy - not a good combination. I know marriage is not the 'be and end all' as my last 5 year marriage ended in a nasty divorce, however I was young enough to pick up and move on. I guess I just need some form of long term commitment. I've sought advise from a counsellor but please feel free to be blunt.

[Just5minswithDacre]

He doesn't sound kind.

It also sounds as though there are bigger issues than marriage.

You thought he (or you?) would change his mind about that, presumably? Why?

[Just5minswithDacre]

Feeling secure and loved is so important as my last husband walked out on me after an affair, my self esteem is poor ( even although deep down I know I'm a bright attractive woman) which is making me feel resentful and needy - not a good combination. I know marriage is not the 'be and end all' as my last 5 year marriage ended in a nasty divorce, however I was young enough to pick up and move on. I guess I just need some form of long term commitment.

In which case, ( self-esteem and neediness issues, craving commitment and wanting marriage) choosing a man who was clear about NOT wanting marriage but continuing to hanker after it and choosing a man devoted to his child but feeling jealous of that, could be seen as a firm of self-harm?

You haven't picked what would have made you feel safest. Maybe you've chosen what feels most familiar (insecurity)? That is its own form of safe feeling.

[HappyJanuary]

I can't see what he's supposed to be doing wrong.

He won't marry you or accept your money to carry out house repairs, and he prioritises his daughter.

He always made it clear that he didn't believe in marriage, would rather not accept your money (presumably the arrangement is that you use your money to maintain your own rental property) and is trying to be a good dad.

The room thing is a non-issue. I'm not surprised that a 16yo girl didn't want to share a room with a 16yo boy. She presumably asked for her own room, and he provided it. Your son was happy to share, didn't ask for his own room, and simply ended up sharing with you instead of his step-sister. I think you saw red about this trivial thing because in your eyes it was another example of favouritism. Maybe he is overcompensating for the fact that his dd doesn't benefit from a selective education? Does he feel like £100 on a room is the last he can do as your son receives £20k pa for schooling?

Making your DS feel bad for attending a selective school is the only unkind thing I can see, and completely unacceptable unless your DS said/did something to deserve it.

[Cabrinha]

I'm not impressed by your comment about all girls being manipulative of their fathers - no, they are not.

I am also not impressed that you're bashing her mother. In 16 years she has had a marriage, a remarriage and second divorce and now a boyfriend? And that's instability?

The room is a non issue. I wouldn't expect 16yo opposite sex 'step' siblings who don't even live together to share a room! I'm sure plenty would, happily - but I wouldn't expect. You should have booked a room for him.

It's quite patronising to say that YOU have made his house a home by (my and possibly his view:) filling it full of pointless clutter! Not every body cares about cushions, sorry!

You keep saying he's wonderful and you're talking about marriage.
Yet you also say there have been cracks for years, he is rude to you about that money you have, and he does not treat you as an equal owner of your home. You really want to marry him?

It sounds more to me like this is on its last legs. 45 is not too young to start again! But 45 is old enough to want to feel that your home is also your house, and your house is also your home.

Don't marry someone with whom you are not in a partnership. You don't sound like partners.

And lay off the girl's mother for having one more partner than you have had!!

[Cabrinha]

And I think if you're looking for marriage to give you a feeling of long term commitment, you're looking in the wrong place.

I feel far more lasting commitment from my current boyfriend than I did from my ex husband.

Marriage means nothing.

I think you're thinking about marriage because you don't feel that your boyfriend is committed to your relationship. If he was, you probably wouldn't think about marriage. If you need marriage as the sign of commitment, there's some then wrong in your relationship. Marriage is a nice to have! (emotionally I mean - legally it can be pretty important!)

My advice is to forget about marriage and focus on why you don't feel commitment from him and focus on that - e.g. because you're not a financial unit.

[princessmi12]

I am also not impressed that you're bashing her mother. In 16 years she has had a marriage, a remarriage and second divorce and now a boyfriend? And that's instability? hmm
well yes it's instability
child introduced to 2 live in partners apart from father during her life.
You call that stability?
Fucked up dysfunctional personal life id call it

[princessmi12]

Marriage means nothing.
it actualy does mean something,in eyes of law at least.
More then your bf does...

[raisedbyguineapigs]

If you are independently wealthy and have no children in common, you definitely don't need marriage to someone who doesn't want to commit to you, and treats your son differently to his daughter. Surely you have your own security? Don't rely on someone else.

[Cabrinha]

princessmi12 do you struggle with posts above one paragraph?

I made exactly the same comment about marriage having a legal meaning.

Not sure why the cheap shot at my own relationship is necessary. What's your problem?
I have been married, I now have a boyfriend. I feel I am in more of a committed relationship now. Putting a ring on it does not make it a more emotionally committed relationship. You seem to want to make a childish dig at me, so feel free to enjoy the fact that I know this because my husband, like the OP's, was a cheat.

And no, a child seeing their mother have one serious relationship post divorce, and then a boyfriend does not equal "fucked up dysfunctional" - are you crackers?

Out of interest - the OP is on her second live in relationship. Is that OK? Is that fucked up dysfunctional too - or would it only become so if she ended this and in a year or so dated someone new?

[princessmi12]

Cabrinha
I'm just very precise and don't need ten pages to make my point:)

[Cabrinha]

You also seem not to need capital letters or apostrophes.
That cuts down on pages a bit I suppose 😂

[springydaffs]

I think the (legitimate) point you're making op is that sdd has had to weather a lot of changes in her life. I don't see you're judging the mother.

imo I wouldn't want to be with someone who specifically went to the trouble of making sure you couldn't claim on his estate if you split. That's not nice, especially after 10 years. He says he doesn't believe in marriage but it sounds like he doesn't believe in sharing his money.

However, taking a shot at your 16yo ds is beyond the pale. It is a vile thing to do. That in itself would be the final nail in the coffin for me.

He's not even committed to you. I guess you warm his bed and make the house homely - but that's all he's interested in. I met a man who was very emotionally invested in his daughter and it struck me as a very unhealthy dynamic. even though the circumstances were very sad (his wife, his daughter's mother, had died). yy people lose their way a bit when they're bereaved but your partner is still doing it and his daughter is 16 now. She comes first by the sound of it (and always will?).

[AppleJac]

Get rid of him.

Life is too short to put up with this.

A man or woman who will not marry their life long partner speaks volumes to me

[SandyY2K]

The OP is getting a bit of a bashing here.

Did you guys miss this..

who has since remarried, divorced and now on third boyfriend.

The mother got divorced from the OPs BF, got remarried and has had 3 boyfriends after her second marriage.

That would create instability for the daughter in IMO.

Some women often think they can change the mind of a man who doesn't want to get married. This man is happy with the status quo and you need to accept it or end the relationship, because he isn't marrying you.

[Blu]

B2000.

Oh dear.

Quite a lot going on there.

It is good that you have your own assets and income, and that you don't need marriage in order to provide financial / housing security.

It sounds as if couples counselling could help you. Help each other talk about security and jealousy, what you want and need, and how your various circumstances make the other feel. It can be really helpful to have a facilitator to oil this conversation and help you each shed new light for yourself and for each other.

In the short term - what to do about the hol. It is pretty bad that the row was conducted in front of the teenagers - how did that happen? It is pretty bad that your DS was subjected to comments from your DP. Why don't they want to go on the hol? Is it because they don't like each other, don't like their respective step parent, or because they do not trust you and DP to continue, escalate or re-ignite the row? And what is the accommodation situation on the hol? I honestly think you were unrealistic, going on out of order, to think it was OK for the 16 yos ('the kids' - really?) to share.

How does your DP now feel about the activity hol?

How would it be if you both sat down with the teenagers , apologised for involving them in your row, explained that you recognise that it is not their problem, you apologise for thinking that your SDD was being prioritised with her own room, your DP should certainly apologise to your DS about what he said about his privileged education, and that you ask them both how they think the family could function better and what they would like from the two of you.

I think it would look terrible to the two kids if you now went on the holiday without either of them - they are the innocent victims of this. Let them go on the holiday and enjoy the activities!