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great article on narcisstic/EA realtionship

(45 Posts)
7forasecret Wed 20-Jul-16 20:14:13

Claraoswald36 Wed 20-Jul-16 20:19:18

Thanks for posting. Omg 10 and 12. I'm not sure even hobbling to hospital bleeding to death would have excused me in exh eyes from accidentally not noticing a person behind me and letting a door go. God forbid

AprilSkies44 Wed 20-Jul-16 20:24:22

oh jesus. that is my partner. to an absolute T. ive just lost a baby at 13 weeks due to a chromosome abnormality and i ended up apologising to him for asking him to take a day off work. he said it was emotional blackmail. ive just read that and gone absolutely cold. ive been saying i feel numb for a while now. ive told him in the past i think he is a narc but he doesnt listen. i dont suppose he cares that much.
for the first time today he seemed to realse that im making an exit plan. and he knows it. and he just said he was alone and i was going to reject him....then i feel sorry for him.

iknowimcoming Wed 20-Jul-16 20:26:10

Sorry for your loss April, get away from your partner as soon as is sensible flowers

AprilSkies44 Wed 20-Jul-16 20:30:03

i told him just the other day he is devoid of empathy. its so weird reading that article.

AprilSkies44 Wed 20-Jul-16 20:31:02

he once told me, at the very beginning that it would become an abusive relationship and i didnt really believe it.
i wonder if he actually knows there is something wrong with him....?

Claraoswald36 Wed 20-Jul-16 20:32:27

April he sounds foul please get out x

AprilSkies44 Wed 20-Jul-16 20:34:40

its so weird reading that in black and white. and frightening. i just tried to talk to him the other day after the emotional blackmail comment - i told him he made every decision, even about us, unilaterally. he decided when i needed support in losing the baby - he decided what day to be there and sod what i was saying. it was a 3 day process - he decided to support me on one of them. the rest was apparently holding an emotional gun to his head because i told him to be there or leave.
i really dont know what to do reading that. its so worryingly familiar.

AprilSkies44 Wed 20-Jul-16 20:39:24

id show him the article but it would enrage him. he would flounce and sulk and id end up aplogising for his hurt feelings again.

im starting to realise i need to get out but he is starting to realise it too.

the really really sad thing is that time after time ive told him i love him but he is squandering it, slowing and painfully.

AprilSkies44 Wed 20-Jul-16 20:49:47

reading the linked articles - so enlightening. but he really is a narc - a true narc. i knew he was odd from the off. everyone does. but i thought he was fascinating and intriguing.
2 years in and im already starting to disengage. his ex wife and he lived totally separate lives. despite me being pregnant and with him for 2 years he managed to convince me that he could not be with me due to faults of my making - debt being one which he lords over me.

my friend said the other day he only wins when i lose.

i wish i could just walk away.

bobbinpop Wed 20-Jul-16 21:02:13

The pain followed by numbness is so right. I had psychoanalysis a few years after the break up which really helped to break through the numbness and residual pain/thoughts/feelings. I really recommend it to anyone going through this!

Great article.

bobbinpop Wed 20-Jul-16 21:06:07

april, telling him anything won't work. If he wants to keep you, he will lie and say he's going to change, or sell you a sob story. Your only option is to leave, give yourself time to recover and rebuild yourself. I assure you that you will never, ever regret it after you have recovered.

Narcs make the worst parents; someone with no empathy or selflessness can never be a good parent. They can also become much more abusive when you are pregnant. My ex is now NC and I'm so thankful.

AprilSkies44 Wed 20-Jul-16 21:06:30

he wants to try again for a baby - so last night i asked him why he wanted children.
i hoped he would say because he loved me and wanted to be a family.

he actually said it was a primevil drive to reproduce, a biological urge.
when he realised he had said the wrong thing he said its because (but not exclusively) im a good mum.
(i have 2 adult children)

its like being in a relationship with an automaton . no feelings unless their his and ive somehow hurt them. (which i do a lot apparently)
i know i irriate and annoy him. im always getting told off for something.

i sort of knew he was narcisstic but reading it is something else.

i dont quite know what to do next.

Spangletine Wed 20-Jul-16 21:27:26

Brilliant article. My BIL to a tee.
Wish my Sister would leave him. Think she has reached the 'numb' stage.
April, please leave this man. Do you have friends & family support?

aLeafFalls Wed 20-Jul-16 21:27:49

Please get out, April. Don't let him manipulate you into feeling sorry for him.

I'm about a year out of a 20 year marriage to a man who did every single one of those behaviours. Eventually I was horribly damaged and could barely recognise or remember myself.

Don't let this happen to you.

Excellent article OP. Thanks for linking it.

Imbroglio Wed 20-Jul-16 21:34:49

Don't show him the article, or tell him he's a narcissist.

notagiraffe Wed 20-Jul-16 21:42:20

That's a description of my dad, more or less. I'm already dreading a party on Saturday because his sister, my aunt, will be centre of attention and he does love to spoil other people's special days with a good row because he can't stand the attention being off him.

April, I am truly sorry for your loss, but long term, you may be glad you are free to get out and stay out.

bigbumbrunette Wed 20-Jul-16 21:49:20

I literally packed up my car and drove 200 miles to get away and leave a relationship after only 5 months of living with the guy (had been seeing each other long distance previously) and he ticks every one of those descriptions. No wonder I was so damaged and to think how much worse it could've been.

AprilSkies44 Wed 20-Jul-16 22:48:14

i was just about to get myself into a situation where i would be financially dependent on him. i have debt and was going to liive with him so i could use my wages to pay it off.

my friend has stepped in and is helping me sort my own finances so i have a choice.

i wont be getting pregnant either. i dont feel at the stage i can just walk away but i know im getting close. ive realised enough to know i cant be tied or dependent in any way.

Imbroglio Wed 20-Jul-16 22:51:19

Look up 'grey rock'. Be boring. Be dull. No dramas. And plan your escape.

bobbinpop Wed 20-Jul-16 22:53:15

If you do decide to ttc with him, you will be giving your child a terrible father; he will expect the child to love him, but in return do nothing to take care of or nurture him/her. He will hurt and damage this child by being the person he is, with all his abusive narcissistic behaviour.

Your options are really quite simple: stay, and expect the same feelings, or worse. Expect to change, to become numb... Or increasingly frustrated and feel like you're going mad.

Or leave. Find time and ways to heal yourself and move on.

bobbinpop Wed 20-Jul-16 22:54:04

Sorry xpost

AprilSkies44 Wed 20-Jul-16 23:12:20

is there a reason that its a bad idea to try and tell a narc that you suspect they are a narc?

is it just pointless? or is it worse than that?

AprilSkies44 Wed 20-Jul-16 23:14:31

i was just about to move in with him and actually become financially dependent because i have debt i need to pay off.

my friend has stepped in and helped me find another way.

at least now i have choices. or will do.

AprilSkies44 Wed 20-Jul-16 23:15:15

the thing he is has already sensed this shift in dynamics.

he is saying he feels i am about to reject him.

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