Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is this a red flag?

38 replies

knockingonheavensdoor · 19/07/2016 09:32

I've been chatting to someone on tinder for a few days now. I really like him and there's talk of us meeting up.

Now, I've searched for on Google, as you do, and he isn't famous but he has a job where he is well respected and well known within his field so loads came up on him. I discovered he is a former alcoholic who had also been banned from driving for drink driving/driving without insurance etc. This was going back 5 years or so. I know we all have our demons but would this be a red flag to you? I think my radar is kind of out of whack after years of abuse so looking for a bit of guidance really!

OP posts:

Report

Doinmummy · 19/07/2016 09:35

How do you know he is a former alcoholic ?

Having lived with one I wouldn't meet up .

knockingonheavensdoor · 19/07/2016 09:43

It was on Google. Reported after he was caught for drink driving.

OP posts:

MsStricty · 19/07/2016 09:51

Some people have pasts that they're not particularly proud of; some even change because of them.

Quite frankly, I think checking up on someone's background is a red flag for me.

knockingonheavensdoor · 19/07/2016 09:54

MsStricty isn't that just common sense these days. I thought everyone did it?

OP posts:

Spandexpanties · 19/07/2016 09:59

It's perfectly fine to google someone's name!

I would carry on chatting/meeting up but keep the information in mind. Although I certainly wouldn't have anything to do with him if he was still drinking now!! Who knows what he was going through five years ago, maybe he had lost a parent and was struggling to manage? I would give him the benefit of the doubt but air caution. Be ready to break ties if necessary.

Spandexpanties · 19/07/2016 10:00

If you have just got out if one avusive relationship, you need to be extra careful about who you pick next

ForestFruits12 · 19/07/2016 10:01

I may be in the minority, but I would give him a chance and meet up with him. judging someone on their past isn't really fair (I am a very different person to 5 years ago).

You can then make up your mind once you have met him in person.

Although if you have come from abusive relationships, then I understand why you are being hesitant.

loobyloo1234 · 19/07/2016 10:01

You googled him - and you haven't met him

Does the article definitely say he was an alcoholic - or just that he was caught drink driving? If so, maybe he's beaten this addiction - I wouldn't say it's a red flag per se - but if he got wasted on a first date and you knew his history then you'd have a right to be concerned

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 19/07/2016 10:02

Could go either way, I'd probably give him a chance, the first sign of crap, run for the hills. Nothing wrong with looking someone IMO.

Somerville · 19/07/2016 10:10

I wouldn't go anywhere near him if he is still drinking. Do you know if he is?

NotBadConsidering · 19/07/2016 10:21

Arrange to meet him for a casual drink. If he has an alcoholic drink you know a) he isn't a recovering alcoholic or b) he lied about it to get leniency for his drunk driving charge. If he is teetotal it shows he's changed and it can be a conversation point to see how open and genuine he is about it and you can get more of an idea if he's changed.

NotBadConsidering · 19/07/2016 10:23

*isn't recovering, he's actively an alcoholic I mean.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 19/07/2016 10:40

*looking someone up.

cozietoesie · 19/07/2016 10:52

It would make me edgy but I'd be inclined to meet him. I've had three close people who've beaten a bad addiction so it can be done. I'd let him mention it to you anyway and see how he'd dealt with it.

ElspethFlashman · 19/07/2016 11:04

Often with reports of drink driving bans the defending barrister is quoted as saying the defendant has had problems with drink and recognises he needs to seek help etc etc.

He could well be teetotal now, in which case I'd have no problem.

Or he could spend the evening blithely gulping down wine in which case there wouldn't be a 2nd date.

adora1 · 19/07/2016 11:59

Perhaps the ban gave him the wake up call he needed, I certainly wouldn't not date him for something in his past. Judge him on the here and now.

MsStricty · 19/07/2016 21:04

I don't check up - it feels heavy-handed, and often we can build up a false picture of someone. I prefer to go on gut feel when I meet them and take it from there.

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 19/07/2016 21:08

I think if you have got out of an abusive relationship then perhaps this is one to swerve.

He Might be a great catch. But if he Has a past theN perhaps someone with healthy boundaries is the best person rather than you.

You apcan be honest, it might not be him, it is you. But you need to look out for number one here.

Luckyyem · 19/07/2016 21:23

Are you 100% sure that the conviction belongs to him? If you google my name it will bring up convictions relating to another person with exactly the same name as me, yes she is the same age as well and lives in the area I grew up in!!!

Obviously if he has quite a unique name or the convictions come up within other articles that you know to be true about him then you have a decision to make.

knockingonheavensdoor · 19/07/2016 21:56

I'm 100% sure it's him, all of the articles mention his name and job. There is also other great stuff on Google about him, it's not all bad I hasten to add. Maybe I shouldn't have looked, I don't know. I'm new to all this so its all a bit of a minefield to me.

OP posts:

LittleMissBossyBoots · 19/07/2016 22:06

Yes it'd be a red flag to me and there's not a cat in hell's chance I'd meet up with him. I was married to someone with an alcohol problem and I'd never risk being in that position again.

80schild · 19/07/2016 22:20

I would still meet up but I would also keep it in my mind on the date. There are people who do manage to beat it and are better people for it.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

junebirthdaygirl · 19/07/2016 22:39

If he had treatment for alcohol addiction and is in a support group he may be way ahead emotionally than others. But l would be wary of getting involved if he is only off drink lately and definitely not if still drinking.

showsomeclass · 20/07/2016 00:28

Oh you definitely should have looked! I would have (and did) done the same thing

But, it was 5 years ago. He could be looking for a fresh start with someone who isn't going to judge him or knew him back then.

I have also been married to an alcoholic (not any more) and it's scary to consider going through that again, but 5 years is a long time and he wasn't always an alcoholic and on the bright side, at least you have the experience to recognise the signs! You could be good for him!

Meet him if you really really like him. You'll know

TheStoic · 20/07/2016 01:23

Of course you should try to find out about the men you are meeting before you meet them. That's a no brainer.

Personally, I wouldn't write him off for this. What you see online is only a small part of the story. HOWEVER - I have not been in an abusive relationship.

Trust your gut, OP.

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.