Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
friends with benefits - does it ever work?(48 Posts)
I was seeing a guy for around 3 months, but we decided we wanted different things and only really saw each other as friends so have decided to end it.
After a period of no contact, he messaged me and we got chatting about all sorts - about dates, about why we didn't work out and about how we missed the sex (it was always very good).
So we ended up with him coming over to mine, we had sex (I believe this is called a booty call ) and chatted for a while about what would happen next - we've laid out some ground rules and decided to try out a 'friends with benefits' type relationship - on the understanding that we will be very open and honest with our feelings and the moment that one of us meets someone the 'benefits' bit will stop.
Is this a terrible idea?! or something that could just be some harmless fun? He was the one who actually brought up that the relationship wasn't working so I'm pretty sure this isn't some kind of attempt to win me back. Neither one of us has done anything like this before and last night we were laughing at how mad it all was.
as he ended it i would say no-imo guys like this are just after free sex till the right one comes along. find someone where the sex is good but who also wants a relationship with you.
to many men are having it to easy these days easy sex with lots of willing women and not prepared to give any security in return-don't be one of those women.
It sounds like you have set some ground rules and are both adult about it. I would worry though that you might be using your time and energy for this guy and miss someone really special who might be ideal.
I think you need to look after number 1 Op. I think he's being open & honest, I know plenty of people who this type of relationship works for (both female & male). Not everyone wants the shackles of a relationship. Only you will know though. Good luck
so everything seemed good yet he ended it? but he's still happy for a bunk up now he's going through a dry patch. please have self respect and don't do it.
you will regret it and end up feeling used.
Thanks everyone. Just to be clear I was also on board with ending things - it didn't feel right in a relationship sense although we did have great sex and got on really well. I think we've established enough of a friendship to be able to continue that.
I've told him that I'll be dating (online - have already had a couple of dates but nothing I've wanted to take further) and as soon as I meet someone, the sex bit will have to stop but at the moment, its fun, we both enjoy it, and why not?!
Is he a friend? I missed the part where a friendship was established, did that happen during your period of NC? It sounds like you're describing a fuck buddy arrangement but are using the fwb label because it sounds less sordid. If you're happy to have casual sex with this guy, knock yourself out. However, getting a booty call from a guy who dumped you and who you were NC with, just sounds yuk.
Are you 21 and a recently qualified nurse? If not, as you were and if you are, here's a .
Sorry to drip feed but we were friends before a relationship started.
No, I am a lot older and more advanced in my career than that! Although could do with a biscuit right now. Chocolate chip would be better.
If it works then why not! I had a fwb that lasted for a few years on and off then we both found serious relationships and settled down. If you start to develop feelings though, you need to walk away!
I used to have a FwB situation which worked really well. I think that being open about what you want is important. In my case we dated for a while and had a lot of fun, really bounced off each other intellectually and had fantastic sex and yet it was really obvious that we weren't relationship material for each other. Hard to describe why but we both knew it. So we stopped dating but met up as friends every couple of months and always ended up back at either his place or mine. We were always really open with each other about seeing other people (and in fact gave each other really great relationship advice at different points when we were in relationships as we knew each other so well). Ended for the last time when I got with current DP. Always look back fondly on him and the times we spent together though.
I think it can work really well. Only time I imagine it would go wrong is if one party wants more and hopes that the other will eventually come around because that is just asking for heartbreak.
Very much a personal choice, not one I would want, why not find yourself a guy who you can actually go on dates with, I think you will get fed up and feel used by the current set up, it will be fun for so long then I'd imagine you will start to feel like a piece of meat, I'd guess he's dating others too esp if he has already ended it with you.
Ask yourself, in the wee small hours, how you would feel if he phones up and mentions this wonderful person he's met - how beautiful, sensitive et etc etc they are. And it will happen.
If you would be hurt by that, then I'd head for the hills right now, I'm afraid.
On another similar thread someone wrote something like
"Friends with benefits is just an excuse for someone to treat you like crap". In other words its agreed to be just sex which plenty of men equate with "being able to behave poorly".
I think for women this can ONLY work if you would never consider the person as a bf EVER. This would be rare - for example if they were hot but too stupid for you.
If you had dated him then presumably you don't see him like that.
It normal to bond with someone you have sex with regularly. Both men and women do this - but women are more prone to it more quickly because they produce more oxytocin (bonding chemical) after sex but men do it too. It's evolutionary - to do with having a couple stick together in the early years of child rearing to protect the child.
Because of this in a FWB situation normally what happens is one person will be happy with the string free shag and over time the other person will fall in love/want more. Usually (but not always) this is the female partner in a heterosexual partnership. Sometimes it can be the man but usually it ends badly and someone gets hurt. Search FWB threads on here for the carnage that follows.
So my vote is: BAD IDEA.
With an ex? No way in hell.
I used to have FWB type situations, they became complicated and not worth the drama, I invested in a couple of high-end sex toys; guaranteed pleasure without the hassle.
Lots of women don't just give away sex - that is a big myth IMO. What happens more often is that the man pretends to want a relationship, then disappears.
In short, it doesn't work. Not often anyway.
guys like this are just after free sex till the right one comes along
Free sex? What do you think should be on the table then, cash? When my daughter was 15 I told her it was OK for her to have sex just for the sake of her own desire. Beyond that I told her that wanting to fuck and wanting 'more' (love/commitment) were different things, things that can be shared but that one cannot be exchanged to get the other. They need not be muddled up as one being required to legitimise the other.
Wow. The judgeypants are hoiked up tight on this thread.
"Free" sex? So OP should either be charging cash or expecting to trade the "benefits" of a relationship for sex?
Go for it OP. A FWB arrangement has about the same chance of success as any other dating scenario.
The only reason I'd say no is if children and marriage were on your agenda for the near future. In that case I think having a FWB in place is likely to distract you from the search for a long-term partner.
Some interesting views here - I see this just as much as me having my cake and eating it as he does. I don't see that I'm 'giving' him sex - we are having sex together. I'm also able to date whoever I want and can honestly say that if he told me he'd met someone I'd just be happy for him. He's not the one for me but we do have a decent friendship that will hopefully last beyond this part. I don't intend to go on with the benefits arrangement infinitely - we've both said we'll give it a shot and go back to being friends if its not working.
Your most recent post is interesting OP. Sounds like you've got it all together so I'm confused about why you felt the need to post. Is there something more going on here?
In your OP you said you wanted different things. What does that mean?
There's nothing wrong with FWB as long as both people are on exactly the same page. I'm not sure how often that's actually the case though. Maybe at the beginning but it does seem as if one person usually ends up more emotionally involved than the other.
should read 'in your OP you said you broke up because you wanted different things'.
By different things I mean the future - i.e. he wants to settle down and have a family and stay in one place while I'd rather travel and live in different places. I'm not much of a settler. I also said in my OP that we just saw each other as friends.
I'm posting to get other people's experiences of the same situation (thank you to those who have posted theirs) - I wondered if this is something that always ends in tears or if it might actually be a (short term) good thing to do.
I had a FWB when DS was a year old and I'd not long left my ex. It worked out well.
We now own a house together and are soon to celebrate our 12 year anniversary.
I never understand the idea that men are just using women and women always equate sex with deeper feelings.
If you want to have sex then have sex. I've had FWB's before and was always upfront about the fact that it was just sex. Worked for me.
as he ended it i would say no - imo guys like this are just after free sex till the right one comes along. find someone where the sex is good but who also wants a relationship with you. to many men are having it to easy these days easy sex with lots of willing women and not prepared to give any security in return - don't be one of those women.
Piffle! I've raised DD by myself these past 9 years, I work hard and am financially independent, I have my own house, my own pension and everything is set up so that should anything happen to me, DD will be fully taken care of in every regard. Not entirely sure what security a man would give that I haven't already given myself...
The only thing that works for me is a FWB, OP. I don't want a relationship and I'm quite happy on my own. Life is really good as it is and I'm not the type who needs a man and a ring and a goldfish to 'complete' me. I'm perfectly complete as I am. For the arrangement to work, you both need to lay the ground rules, be very open and honest with each other and you have to be willing to say goodbye should one of you develop feelings. In every FWB relationship I've ever had (and I've had a few over the years), I have always had to cut contact eventually because the guy has developed feelings for me (how about that, Single?!).
I'm pretty ruthless, tbh. It's not that I mean to be hardhearted and I don't want to hurt anybody, I'm just very sure of what I do and don't want. And I don't want a relationship. I have never developed lovely-dovey feelings for any of the men I have this kind of set up with. Not once. It's just sex and good times with no strings attached. No more than that. It works for me.
Did i mention cash for sex??? That is prositution and not what I meant at all. But lets face it women can not separate love and sex as much as men can,most men will shag anything given a chance they dont even have to fancy the woman to have sex with her and i know most women dont think like that and need some sort of connection with the person they have sex with.
That is when feelings begin......
It would be so much easier if we were wired to have emotions like men but we dont and that is why there are so many ive fallen for my fwb threads on here.
Fantastic sex for me is sex with someone that cares for me,respects me and whom wants me to be part of his life fully.
But I appreciate there are some women who can have sex just for the sake of good sex but I honestly dont think theres many.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.