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Women's thoughts please..,(45 Posts)
I'm a married man, mis 30s and married for 12 years, didn't date long before this and had first child a year into our relationship, now have 3 great kids.
To summise we got married young, my wife has/d issues with esteem and had been bullied as a kid, I was adopted and only realise now the cluster f**k of issues this has caused me.
we had issues from the start but for long I thought these were mine alone, I've worked jobs I hate to support her when she wanted to take longer off to be with our kids, something which put me in debt which took years to get past.
When I our 20s and out with friends my wife would be the one to flirt with other fellas, I've found her holding hands with other men, deep in conversation etc
The years role on, we grow older and happier, more so through mutual safety. I start an affair, I fall for the person and hard, a connection I never had, she's my every thought and want.
But I've a wide who is totally financially reliant on me, 3 children who I love with all my heart.
Can you stay and be in acceptance of what I have or leave?
I know I'm a total bastardd for the affair, I know that the issues that drove me to seek affection are my fault, but it's the situation I am in. My wife knows about the affair and it's over but I think more and more of her everyday, I miss the connection more than I've ever missed my wife
Well you don't love your wife do you?
You've probably hurt her immeasurably by having the affair and now said that its over, and you'll stay with her, is that right? She has said she'll work through it with you? To get her to say that you must have told her that's what you wanted. but you were lying still, because you are still in love with the other woman. Do I have that correct?
If so, yes you were a bastard for having the affair, but now you have done something worse as you have put your wife through the ringer, the given her false hope that you want it to work out, only to be on the verge of doing it all again.Tbh you need to tell her as kindly as possible (there is no Kind way of doing it, but maybe try to avoid the usual script of laying blame at her door, outlining all her faults and using them as the reason you had the affair to start with etc), that you made a mistake saying you wanted to try again and that you think you should split up.Be honest with her.
After that's done try and be generous with any settlements made, don't try and re hash old arguments (to justify your own position) and try to be the best dad you can be, albeit one that probably doesn't live with his kids full time anymore.
This is what I think will happen if you pursue the affair woman: Ultimately the initial adrenaline rush of the affair will wear off and normal life will resume and maybe this woman won't be as wonderful as you thought (thinking rose tinted spectacles here). You will have had a huge impact on your kids and their future relationships. You may regret it.
Then again you only live once and you want to spend it with someone you love and are happy being with.
I think it's a question of how much you love your wife and the compromises you're willing to put up with to keep your current family together. Make sure your wife knows that it bothers you to see her holding hands with other men - it's not normal behaviour for a married woman in case she comes back at you with the 'over jealous' card.
You have, as an adult, chosen to marry and have children. It's sad that you find being adopted has given you issues, but huge numbers of people have issues for various reasons, and it doesn't mean that you can side-step your responsibilities.
There are five people reliant on one salary, which is tough, and I can see how that can be daunting, but as an adult you made decisions that leave you in that situation. Your wife quite probably feels even more than daunted - overwhelmed probably - that 5 people are reliant on her for most/every detail of family life, food, getting to school etc. and a husband who looks like he's about to ditch them all and leave them in poverty.
So - you say your kids are great - how much do you love them?
You don't have to stay with a wife you don't love, even if there had never been an affair. But no matter what has happened in the past, you still have four other people to support.
A decent human being would move out, into a bedsit/house-share type place, take a good hard look at themselves to see what they really want and who they really love, and continue to support their kids, including providing for the mother who takes care of them until a time when children/mother can reasonably be expected to become more independent.
Do you love your kids enough to do that?
Thank you both, I don't think I did the I ital message justice in exposing everything, I'm not for one second trying to level blame anywhere other than at me. Years 1-2 were good, years 3-5 she had bad post natal depression but wouldn't do much for it, would go out drinking with 'friends' and not arrive home until mooring and not able to tell me where she had been, years 6-8, she when drunk attacked me, the first time o my slaps and the second she cracked my cheek bone, all the time I allowed myself to take the blame for fear of losing her and the kids, pathetic I know, it's a mix of adoption and resulting fear of abandonment
Then about 4 years ago things levelled out, she stopped drinking as much, seemed to respect me more and then the affair started.
What I get from the other women is a feeling of completeness, emotionally, the feeling of loneliness gone. I care for my wife, I fear as like a sibling would
You need to end your marriage and be a proper grown-up. Dont't try to have your cake and eat it. Show respect for your wife by being honest with her and letting her make decisions based on honesty from you. Then at least she will know where she stands - rather than having to rely on your lies and dissembling. And you need to set about finding somewhere else to live.
It doesn't matter about 'acceptance for what you have'. Your wife is in a position of ignorance. She doesn't have the choice because you have deprived her of the truth of the situation. That is very cruel and she needs to be able to make a choice about what she does with her life. It's not all about you.
Your last post says you aren't laying the blame on anywhere other than you. You then go on to list why it's not your fault. You're whingeing and self-justifying and lying to your wife that the affair is over. Have a good look at yourself.
You're not happy with her and she is probably not happy with you. The decent thing is to split so you can both pursue genuine happiness.
As you've realised, you still need to support her financially until she can find a job.
As a single parent I am sure she'll get housing benefit, tax credits plus maintenance from you. She'll be fine and it shows you're a fairly decent human being that you're thinking about her future financial well being.
Don't carry on together if its not meant to be.
You need to divorce and be single. Having an affair is never justified. You should have left years ago after she hurt you.
If you could accept your relationship with your wife as is, you wouldn't have started an affair and still be pining for the OW now it's ended. When you say accept, what you mean is plod along some more, which is precisely how you ended up here. I don't know if there's enough in this relationship to salvage but If you and your wife don't start actively working on you issues together and alone, there will probably be a next woman you 'connect' with.
Don't use your children as an excuse to continue doing what you've always done (avoiding issues) and which spectacularly hasn't worked.
Thank you,, not something I talk to friends about so honest thoughts are needed, look I really am not blaming another other than myself broth for the affair and for not challenging what wasn't to me acceptable behaviour from her earlier in our marriage, I wish I had but didn't and have only myself to blame for everything
I worry that no matter what I do she and as a result the kids will suffer financially: is that reason enough to fight for a relationship
no it is not - you should never stay for the children. Fight for what, she isn't exactly doing anything to make it work. You can't fight on your own.
Did I read it right - she cracked your cheek bone? Bloody hell get out and be with the one you love.
She is highly abusive, emotionally and physically.
Also why is she not working?
Yeah we had been at a friends party, she has a tendency to reach a point in 'drunk' where the eyes glazed over and we were waiting to leave and she shouted at me, then hit me 5 or so times, I had had a few and didn't know what to do, she denies it for years only admitting it last year having made me out as a lair ams making me start to doubt myself
Apologies aue has gone backup work, took 5-6 years of to raise family
If our marriage is over then it's over. Both parties can bear some responsibility for a marriage not working out. But an affair is NEVER justified. It is nothing to do with your wife. You end the marriage and move on first especially if there are children involved.
I think hitting him so hard it fractured his cheek bone is a lot worse than an affair!
I'm just genuinely at s loss, the affair is over, in truth t to make something out of what's left but I feel hollow, it effects how I act, every thought is about the other woman, it is a mess of a marriage I know that o caused most of, but I can't hurt my kids, I worry about my wife's ability to cope without me but selfishly then I think that that's not fair on my own needs
I agree that violence is also completely unacceptable but everyone needs to take responsibility for their actions. Eg there is not ever any justification for an affair just as there is also zero justification for hitting someone in the face. One can't be used as an excuse for the other.
I totally agree, I hate what I've done, hate te situation I've caused, my wife can be loving but I don't love her as a wife but is it her acceptable I stay for financial and kids sake
nobody here is going to tell you to stay for financial reasons and everyone is telling you now that you should leave. Why should your children grow up in a violent household? Do you actually think that is better for them than you splitting up.
Or shall we just say oh you have been naughty now go back to the wife you neither like or love and stay together for the sake of those poor children and the mortgage.
Sadly I went to a colleague's funeral today.
The eldest daughter spoke of her mum (who passed away) and dad having a wonderful marriage and showing what true love is.
She said it's something she hoped to find for herself in the future, but felt the bar had been set really high.
What do you want to show your children of what a healthy marriage is?
Don't stay because of the money. See a solicitor and get an idea how things would look for you.
It's not violent all the time, this is a side that rarely comes out of her but a side I've now seen and felt the brunt of, I'm both terrified of pushing her over an edge and hurting my kids who I do love immensely
if you were a woman we would be telling you to kick her out and protect the children from her and report her to the police. By making your children live with a violent woman you are already hurting them
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