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DP/ex and my birthday

(34 Posts)
FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Tue 12-Jul-16 00:40:11

Ok, this is more of an AIBU, and I'm 99% that I am being unreasonable even as I write it but I can't face the AIBU section at the moment as I'm feeling very emotionally fragile!

My birthday is very soon. DP and I broke up very recently (think, a week ago) and so are still living together for the time being until we sort things out.

We're in a weird place at the moment, we broke up because he tells me he wants to be single at the moment and has struggled with depression lately so I think part of it is him pushing me away because he's too tired emotionally from dealing with his own issues to think about considering me and my feelings too, which I can understand to a degree having suffered from depression in the past myself. However, since we 'broke up', he is still quite affectionate and still wants sex, etc so it's confusing for me.

Anyways, I have told him several times (probably 5 or so) that I wanted to go out for a meal for my birthday since my birthday party was an epic fail (see my other thread about that) and I wanted to do at least something to mark the occasion. He came back tonight, telling me all about what he had planned for tomorrow night (doing his hobby with his mates). So he completely forgot and is not coming out with me for my birthday.

I KNOW I'm being unreasonable because we are, technically, broken up and he had no obligation to me at all but up until today he was still up for coming out with me and now he's just binned me off for a better offer. So even after 3 years he just really doesn't care enough to a) remember my fucking birthday and b) put himself aside for one day and come out with me.

Just fucking fed up.

bloodyteenagers Tue 12-Jul-16 00:44:58

You need to go your separate ways. You are separated but having sex, this isn't healthy. Talk about having your cake and east it.
It doesn't matter what he may or may not have promised, you are no longer together and he owes you nothing. Sorry.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Tue 12-Jul-16 01:06:26

See, I know this and yet I can't stop myself from being upset. I'm the biggest mug in the world. Again sad

Nannawifeofbaldr Tue 12-Jul-16 01:27:15

I presume that you are not providing sex to this man?

It must be very hurtful to be dismissed in this way. However I wonder if, in the long run, it might turn out to be a blessing in disguise if it helps crystallise the situation.

Sadly he clearly doesn't care about you. Certainly not enough to give up his hobby activity for your birthday.

We need to judge people on what they do not what they say.

You are worth more than this.

Make an alternative and very fabulous plan for your Birthday.

Make an alternative and very fabulous plan for your living situation while your at it.

Best of luck and Happy Birthday

ExtraHotLatteToGo Tue 12-Jul-16 01:37:04

He's a WankBadger. If he still wanting sex with you he should at least remember your birthday & want to celebrate it with you - out if common decency if nothing else.

It might take a while to truly feel it, but finishing with him is the right thing to do.

What's the plan going forward? You can't keep living together or you'll alternate between hating him & hating yourself 🙁

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Tue 12-Jul-16 01:38:22

Thank you smile

Unfortunately, because I am an idiot and love sex, especially with him I am still providing him with sex, as if we hadn't broken up [stupid emoticon]

I should have learned after ExH. As I said though, I am an enormous mug.

I am going out with Dsis so it's not a total loss as she is my best friend and completely awesome but it still hurts to know that he gives not one iota of a shit about me, how I feel, or how massively hurt I'll be about him fucking off on my birthday. Dsis is at work in the day and I have the day off so I'm going to the aquarium to look at fish grin

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Tue 12-Jul-16 01:44:03

I don't hate him at all, even though I probably should. I think I already hate myself though latte. I hate that I'm so weak and I love him so much that I will put up with this shit. Especially after all the shit I put up with with ExH and I promised myself that I would never let anyone do that to me again. But I do, I put up with it and let it slide and let him hurt me over and over again. And then he finished with me!

It took me so long to get over ExH. At times I didn't think I'd ever survive the pain. Now I'm going through it all over again.

LilacInn Tue 12-Jul-16 01:54:48

The person (not much of a 'man') doesn't respect you, doesn't love you and apparently doesn't like you. He uses you like an unpaid prostitute yet you give him vast power over your thoughts and feelings? Why? Ask yourself.

You could stop saying "I'm a mug" and really try to understand yourself and move on to a healthier place.

Maybe it's time for a hiatus from men while you work on other facets of your identity and self image. Good luck.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Tue 12-Jul-16 02:05:14

Alternatively, go out with Dsis, get hammered, have a great time, shag him senseless then the next morning put his bags on the front doorstep. Sounds like waaaayyy more fun than than naval gazing about being an 'unpaid prostitute' 😁

ExtraHotLatteToGo Tue 12-Jul-16 02:12:50

In all seriousness though, I totally understand about loving someone who doesn't love you as much or treat you right. Hating yourself for knowing this & loving & wanting them anyway is really, really, hard - if only it was so easy to hate them 🙁

Try to look at it this way. It was HARD, really hard, when you split up with your ExDH, but you survived, you got through it, you were able to live someone else & be happy...(no matter it was someone unsuitable), it's easier the second time, it still hurts but you do know eventually you'll get out the other side of it & it'll be ok.

It will be ok. Honest 💐

He's good in bed, but so are other men, you'll just have to have some fun finding a good one 😉

ExtraHotLatteToGo Tue 12-Jul-16 02:14:09

Bloody iPad. I write love it changes it to live, I write live it changes it to love. Drives. Me. Batshit.

trafalgargal Tue 12-Jul-16 02:14:29

So you are living in the same house and still having sex in what sense are you "broken up"?

It's time for him to leave and stop messing with you. I'd pack his bags too.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Tue 12-Jul-16 02:15:14

As much as I'd love to do that latte, I can't kick him out as its his place too and I have no right to I probably will get hammered and then fuck him senseless though grin

You're very right Lilac. I've been through a lot in the last few years and I don't think I've really fully allowed myself to grieve and heal from some of it. I've been so consumed with trying to be seen to be ok that I've not had the time to take any time to really fix myself (God that sounds sooooo wanky!). It's true though. I've already decided that as much as I hate the idea, (I'm really not good at being single) I'm not going to get into another relationship of any sort for at least 6 months or as long as it takes until I'm ok on my own. I don't want to be reliant on another person for my happiness. I want to be ok with who I am before I am someone else to my life. But at the moment I am reliant on him!

ExtraHotLatteToGo Tue 12-Jul-16 02:19:37

Do you own or rent?

Either way, but especially if you rent, you can bloody well put his bags on the step, HE wants to be single, well off he jogs! He can't 'be singke' in your shared home. He can go and stay with a mate.

After you've extracted a very good, but final, shag. Just try not to cry

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Tue 12-Jul-16 02:19:41

In some ways it was easier with ExH. Even though we had a much longer relationship, he was abusive and I eventually ended it, and had very good reasons to do so. In all honesty it was a bit of a relief despite how awful I felt about it.

I really feel like I only got through it because of 'ex'Dp. He was my rock through it all and I honestly feel I might be dead without him. And now he doesn't want me anymore. I feel so worthless sad

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Tue 12-Jul-16 02:21:23

We rent but it was his place first so he's on the tenancy agreement and I'm not [really stupid emoticon].

He wouldn't leave even if I tried to kick him out.

Rainbowqueeen Tue 12-Jul-16 02:25:10

Good decision to stay single for a while. Use the time to work out your boundaries and what you really want in a relationship.

And happy birthday!

ExtraHotLatteToGo Tue 12-Jul-16 02:29:41


I'm sorry to hear your ExDH was abusive and that you 'had very good reasons to do so'. 🙁 There are often so many weird & conflicting emotions. It's not easy.

Exdp might have been a 'rock' in some ways, but although he's 'better' than your ExDH he's still not anywhere good enough for you. No where near.

Feeling 'not wanted anymore' hurts so, so much. It's bloody awful. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, felt like throwing up - felt like there was just 'no point'. I do understand, but what I also know is that you ARE strong and you WILL be ok. It's a bit like a roller coaster, you might feel ill and hate every minute of it, but it will stop, the earth will stop whirling around and you will be ok again. You just have to endure the ride - but know it will end.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Tue 12-Jul-16 02:30:47

Well, OK, how can we get you out of there then?

LilacInn Tue 12-Jul-16 02:31:16

You say you aren't good at being single but what does that mean?? Seriously, what do you mean when you describe yourself that way?

You aren't good at picking quality men so how could being single be worse?

ExtraHotLatteToGo Tue 12-Jul-16 02:32:54

Maybe blow the fish off, spend the day moving out. Make a fresh start on your birthday?

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Tue 12-Jul-16 02:35:39

I hate being single because I hate being alone. I hate feeling like no one wants me. I have a high sex drive and I can't do casual/fuck buddy/one night stuff so I hate not having anyone to do that with.

I've not really been properly single for longer than 3 months since I was 16 so it's a completely alien concept to me.

I can move out but it'll be much more expensive for me to live alone and as a student with only a part time job I don't know how I'll afford it sad

ExtraHotLatteToGo Tue 12-Jul-16 02:47:55

I think that being single can be a bit of a state of mind - you choosing to be single is not the same as no one wanting you, os YOU not wanting them/a relationship.

You need to give yourself longer than a few months to get used to it. It's a huge change in the way you live your life and it can feel lonely and horrible at times, but after a while you'll relax into 'being single by choice' & you'll see how much freedom you truly have.

High sex drive. It's good that you realise you can't do fwb or ons etc. They're not for everyone and despite the 'high' of the moment can leave you feeling entirely crap. So best avoided when you're a bit fragile. I know it's not the same, but 'sort yourself out' - it's fine for a while until you're in the right place to have sex with someone else.

Could you stay with Dsis for a little bit until you can find a shared house or student accommodation?

choli Tue 12-Jul-16 02:48:30

I've not really been properly single for longer than 3 months since I was 16 so it's a completely alien concept to me. *
How old are you now?

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Tue 12-Jul-16 02:58:26

Early 30's choli.

Dsis would happily take me in but she lives with her DP and his kids so they don't have the room for me unfortunately. All other family live very far away.

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