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Brother marrying a nightmare

(48 Posts)
Italktomycat Sat 09-Jul-16 22:21:01

I love my brother very much but he's very much a 'laid back' person. I am too, but we are very different.

He has a girlfriend (of two years) and they've just become engaged. I'm really worried about him.

So they are pretty normal at the start of their relationship but kind of live in (as I see) a 'not real world' for the first year of the relationship as they both live at home (so lots of dates, holidays but none of the day todaystuff)

His fiancé is lovely at this point, dizzy, funny endearing but there are little weird habits tbat happen such as she tidies my brothers room and mums house when she goes there.

When they move in together more cracks appear. She has mountains of stuff everywhere, he has little and what he has is in a back bedroom. Still I'm not worried as he's never lived away so has little stuff.

Then comes the first big thing. I live 3 streets away. He calls, asking me to come in the street... I oblige and he comes round the corner crying and incoherent. Turns out they've had a massive fight over the house and she's called him lazy and blah blah blah. Didn't make sense, why was he crying? He says he's punched a wall, she's thrown a glass and ripped a necklace he's bought her off.

I advise him that little things such as differences about tidying/ house happen in relationships but you don't sweat the small stuff because eventually big stuff comes along. He says he has to break up with her. Can't live under a microscope anymore, doesn't feel comfortable in his own home. Can't put his shoes in certain places/leave books out or anything. Says she's a nightmare for controlling his weekends\always has something planned.

Next day I check on him and he says ' we've worked things out, thanks' that's it, never mentioned again.

Next week they've put an offer on a house. She's got builders organised for an extension, planning work on the house for the next 6 months. I'm baffled as think with such a new relationship/ so soon after a fight you should let the dust settle.

Our mum asks him is he sure , it's a big step etc. They move in, house renovation
Going at an alarming rate he's not seeing family etc as always at work on house.

Big family meal they can't aren't as they're going to a beer fest. Whole family is
Sitting in restaurant (30 of us) and she walks in with a weird look on her face. Everyone says 'oh we thought you couldn't make
It! And she bursts into tears. No sign of my brother. Now whole family meal
Is directed at my brothers crying girlfriend and not at the person who's 50th it was.

Turns out they've hd another big bust up at the beer fest. He's been messaging other girls on the Internet (total shit)
But she's now at his family telling everyone. I'm keeping out at this
Point but then my brother turns up. Crying. I take him downstairs and he explains this happened at he start of their relationship and one of her friends brought it up
Again nearly. 2 years later at the beer fest they were attending. Apparently his gf had said to him 'I know where your family are and I'm going up there ' basically
To expose him.

Next day he goes to stay with my mum to try some time apart and she turns up with she sister and a car full of his stuff. Dumps
It on lawn. He says 'I co own the house so you can't kick me out, I'm staying with mum for space'

So basically he explains she's spent all his money on house renovations (he doesn't eat a lot as a mental health nurse) even whey jes explained to her he doesn't have enough. He says she's planned things for them to do every weekend for the next few months. He feels stifled and ignored. He found out she's come off her pill as she wants a baby. She bought an engagement ring (for her self) and told him to surprise her with it (wtf)

Anyway to my surprise ( and horror) he moves back in with her a week after. He next thing in know is that my mum tells me she's taking the ring with her to a family holiday so he can propose...

2 weeks later he proposes with her ring and she says yes. They have been engaged 3 weeks now and she's booked the venue, bought her dress and organised the flowers.

I'm so worried about him being swept along and being a 'thing' to enable her to get some events she's planned for a long time (wedding baby).

What do you think?


Buggers Sat 09-Jul-16 22:26:00

They sound as bad as each other if I'm honest.

ToastDemon Sat 09-Jul-16 22:27:21

Yes it sounds like a nightmare but pretty 50/50.

pictish Sat 09-Jul-16 22:28:01

Six of one and half a dozen of the other imo.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Sat 09-Jul-16 22:31:52

Sounds dreadful for him but he's an adult and needs to make his own decisions. All you can do is remind him that you are always there for him and if he shows any chinks in his commitment to her remind him that there is no shame in pulling out at any point.

Just5minswithDacre Sat 09-Jul-16 22:32:59

He's been messaging other girls on the Internet (total shit)

You are so far from objective, it's laughable.

How do you know what he does online.

PPs are right- they both sound childish.

Just5minswithDacre Sat 09-Jul-16 22:33:55

Is it "overbearing sisters meddle in their brothers' relationships day" on MN?

user7755 Sat 09-Jul-16 22:34:34

He doesn't eat much as he's a MH nurse? confused

KittensandKnitting Sat 09-Jul-16 22:37:19


SuburbanRhonda Sat 09-Jul-16 22:39:09

I think it's a typo and should be "he doesn't earn much".

Onenerfwarfrombreakdown Sat 09-Jul-16 22:42:08

I think you may be right to be worried BUT he is a grown adult and needs to make a decision for himself. You can put your opinion across, offer support and be there for him, but HE needs to take some responsibility for his own life. He does NOT have to marry if he doesn't want to. Make sure he knows this!

user7755 Sat 09-Jul-16 22:44:23

Aah that would make sense, my husbands a MH nurse and he's an appetite like a horse!

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Sat 09-Jul-16 22:46:32

So he's been messaging other women, doesn't do anything around the house and runs off to his mummy's at the first sign of trouble. He sounds delightful.

And what do I think? Not your life, not your business.

Italktomycat Sat 09-Jul-16 22:52:24

Clear a couple of things up (wrote it in haste)

I meant he was a total shit for messaging other girls not that it was total shit. It's totally unacceptable....

Yes I meant 'earn' not eat. She's spent all his savings when he doesn't earn much as it is (even when he's told her not to)

And no I'm not an 'overbearing sister' because that's why I'm posting on here for advice and not trying to bend his ear. It's not my place to tell him what to do .. And I won't but that doesn't stop me from worrying! He's started taking antidepressants in the past. 6 months and is becoming more and more vacant.

She's been diagnosed and treated for OCD too, that's what I meant about her being mad about her house, not that he was lazy. He's not, he just can't live up to her expectations.

ChooseTheLifeYouLove Sat 09-Jul-16 22:53:37

You're right to be worried but he's going into this with his eyes wide open. He knows everything you've listed here.

If it were my brother I'd get him to one side and force him to listen to a few home truths and try to get him out of it but I don't think it would work. I'd have to try though I couldn't sit back and watch him throw everything away for her.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Sat 09-Jul-16 22:58:12

Here's the thing OP, the more you try and convince him that this isn't the right woman for him, the more he'll want to be with her. The whole us against the world thing.So say nothing unless asked directly, and let it run its course.

Just5minswithDacre Sat 09-Jul-16 22:59:10

But what's your concern? They BOTH sound flouncy and dramatic but you do sound extremely biased.

You need to let them got on with it.

bibbitybobbityyhat Sat 09-Jul-16 23:03:07

You sound over-involved in your adult siblings' life tbh.

Tell him you think the marriage is a huge mistake for BOTH of them and they don't have to go through with it.

Then leave well alone.

Dutchcourage Sat 09-Jul-16 23:04:39

I seen a meme today saying its not your circus , so not your monkeys, so stay out it

I think that quite fitting here.

He is a big boy leave it.

Italktomycat Sat 09-Jul-16 23:06:06

My concern is for his mental health (ironic considering his job). I saw him the other day and he was just like a zombie. Just agreeing. Not like himself. I am just letting them get on with it. Just hard to see.

He's not dramatic, he's quiet. On the other hand when his GF is not being manic/crazy she's really good fun. I just get the impression he's just a interchangeable part of her plan to have a big wedding and kids in the next few years. If not him I think it would just be some other guy.

When we were on holiday a family
Member posed a hypothetical question to us all (a game) and it was something along the lines of 'if you won a million quid what wolf you do with it' and someone said 'oh (brothers GF) would spend it all
On a massive wedding with (brother) and she actually said 'ha ha I wouldn't be worn (brother) if I had a million quid! Ha ha' then backtracked when she saw my mums face....

VoldysGoneMouldy Sat 09-Jul-16 23:06:15

They sound as bad as each other. And even if she was 'a nightmare', what can you do? Nothing.

LanaorAna1 Sat 09-Jul-16 23:11:15

They're both hysterics. I sympathise - no fun having another one in the family. Cheer up - the marriage won't last, she's not a permanent addition.

SomeDaysIDontGiveAMonkeys Sat 09-Jul-16 23:11:58

Classic toxic relationship. Expect this to go on for some time, so you may want to leave them to get on with it. The less you keep offering a sympathetic ear the quicker it will eventually end, but it will take time.

trafalgargal Sat 09-Jul-16 23:13:49

I wouldn't worry too much she'll want a huge wedding they can't afford so the wedding won't happen ....however when it comes to what you should do .....absolutely nothing.

Not your business he's a grown man you need to respect his choices no matter how bonkers they seem to you.

Notthiswankagain Sat 09-Jul-16 23:15:46

Oh dear op, I can understand why you are worried. Yes, both are adults but that doesn't stop you being concerned.

All you can do is be there if/when the shit hits the pan.

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