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Married to a man but think I might be bisexual

(40 Posts)
heartshapedlawn Wed 29-Jun-16 07:06:27

I am in my 40s and have been married to DH for over 10 years. I would describe our sex life as being adequate. It isn't earth-shattering or amazing, but it's ok. Until quite recently, I had never had any thoughts about being with a woman. About 2 years ago I found that I was becoming curious about the possibility of it and began reading erotic fiction with that theme. I thought this may be a passing phase, but the feelings have actually become stronger over time. I have had fantasies about women while being intimate with DH. If anyone is wondering, I am not planning to run off and have an affair with a woman behind DH's back. If he gave me his blessing I think I would like to have a one-off experience though. Should I tell him? Has anyone discovered similar feelings later on in life and if so did you act on them at all?

SanityClause Wed 29-Jun-16 07:13:47

I understand there has been some research done that implies that most women are bisexual to some degree.

But it makes no odds really. Infidelity is infidelity, whether with a woman or a man.

So, if you think your DH would he happy with an "open marriage" arrangement, speak to him about it. If you think he won't, or you broach the subject, and he isn't happy about it, then you can either choose to leave him to pursue sexual fulfilment elsewhere, or decide that although no marriage is perfect, you will make the best of what you have in yours.

Your feelings are what they are. You don't get to choose them. You do, however, get to choose how to act.

dangerrabbit Wed 29-Jun-16 09:24:47

I'm bisexual and married to a woman. Being bisexual isn't a green card to cheat.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Wed 29-Jun-16 09:27:58

Would you be happy for him to have a "one off experience" with another woman? After all, she might turn him on in a different way and do things you don't do so it would be a new experience.

No? Well then.

proseccowithastraw Wed 29-Jun-16 09:44:43

OP, I suspect you'll get a bit of criticism on here, as there seems to be a bit of a surge of married (to men) women who suddenly find themselves attracted to women, or one woman in particular. The general tone of these threads tend to be "dh wouldn't mind. It would be a one off" etc, but as I've said several times, things can get very messy and there's a good chance people will get hurt. If you're already in an open relationship, great! Give it a go, but if you're not, ask yourself this- if you suddenly started finding another male, who isn't normally your type, attractive, would that be ok to experiment and discover if in fact he is your type? It's no isn't it?

I am speaking from experience here. I am bisexual and engaged to a woman and now very rarely find a man attractive. If I suddenly started finding a man attractive and wanted to explore my feelings, would my dp be cool with it because it's the opposite sex? Erm, no.

You're either in a monogamous relationship, or you're not. The idea that a lesbian fling is less damaging, is insulting. To me anyway.

I'm not having a go OP. I understand how you're feeling. Just be careful.

Mymakeup72 Wed 29-Jun-16 11:11:30

Personally I would tell him. You never know how it may pan out. Maybe introduce it in a way that he knows the idea is something that turns you on. Ie talk about the book you have been reading etc etc...sometimes frank discussions can open up new avenues in a relationship. I would imagine anyone involved in the swinging scene would have had to start the conversation somewhere because it doesn't just happen one day.

As long as there is no deceit and cheating then everything else is fine for me if agreement is reached. Even if he doesn't like the idea at all you can still use it in fantasies etc and it may not do your sex life any harm!

techmonkey Wed 29-Jun-16 11:32:58

Hi! I'm a man and in an open relationship.. Well sort of, we have a shared lover. She is bi, and I am a hetero male, and we have been very happy with this setup for 5 years of our 15 partnership.
Our lover is more recent, (we have had a few) as the stable core we accept that partners will move on with life and love, but we are with each other for the long run.
So my qualificationswink out the way on to your problem!

Recent research suggests that for very good biological reasons 80% ish of women are bi...
So it's perfectly normal, and I think you should be honest with him.
Say you want to experience it, and be clear you love him.
Perhaps he would be interested in a threesome? If so ask for.more advice from people (lol, mewink) who have had a few, making sure no one feels left out can be tricky, but they are a lot of fun when done right! smile
If you would prefer a 1on1 with a woman I think you should consider he should be allowed to have a one off himself. (if so remember that it will be A LOT easier for you to find a partner for sex than for him, I suggest that you only do this if you both have someone to have sex with at the same time. Men find getting partners much harder than women, just so you know)
So basically be honest and open, and respectful (things I'm sure you are if you have made it this far together) and ask him to be honest too.
He should say so if he doesn't want to, or if he has doubts or concerns
I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you do get to try it, as I think being aware of and true to our actual nature makes us better humans! Hugs and luck! smile

Somerville Wed 29-Jun-16 11:36:36

Why would you want a one-off experience? How would that help? I don't see the logic.

Sirona Wed 29-Jun-16 11:42:28

I'm bi and only realised in my late 30s although to be honest looking retrospectively all the signs were there I just never acknowledged them. I'm now in a monogamous relationship with a woman.

I would tell him but I can't give any advice with what to do further as open relationships are not my thing.

wherearemymarbles Wed 29-Jun-16 11:44:15

Having a one off is fine if you dont really enjoy it.

But if its the best sex you've ever had... No chance. You'll want more and then some more and then some more.

I think you'll find most people in ltr's would tell you their sex life isn't quite what it used to be - which is often the excuse for affairs

Sirona Wed 29-Jun-16 11:44:20

Plus as the other woman I wouldn't fancy being someone's experiment confused

proseccowithastraw Wed 29-Jun-16 11:53:20

marbles, yes and to add to that, OP, if you're finding the idea an ever increasing turn on, I can almost guarantee that a one off won't be enough. When two women are sexually attracted to one another and have a connection, the sex is usually off the scale, good.

proseccowithastraw Wed 29-Jun-16 11:53:57 me

Sirona Wed 29-Jun-16 11:56:29

grin prosecco. Truth

wherearemymarbles Wed 29-Jun-16 12:06:23

And of course repeated good sex leads to emotional attachment.... A whilst its a somewhat course and probaby sexist analogy 'the quickest way to a womans heart is to poke your way in' does hold an element of truth!

proseccowithastraw Wed 29-Jun-16 12:09:31

Sirona, ain't it just grin

firesidechat Wed 29-Jun-16 12:14:55

Cheating is cheating isn't it? It was last time I checked.

proseccowithastraw Wed 29-Jun-16 12:17:03

fire, yep

Sirona Wed 29-Jun-16 13:31:28

Indeed fire, adds to the awful 'bisexuals are cheaters' insults too.

Op now I remember there was a long running thread here years ago you maybe could take a look at. Turning Tavern, about women dealing with feelings in later life for other women, I believe one of them left her husband too. Sorry can't link on my phone.

techmonkey Wed 29-Jun-16 13:35:53

Hey there to all you who are harping on about "cheating is cheating" and the like... SHE DIDN'T SAY SHE WAS GOING TO OR HAD CHEATED...
Ffs off your high horses please, and remember if you have nothing useful to contribute to a topic.... DON'T POST ON IT!!!

ICanSeeForMiles Wed 29-Jun-16 13:43:58

Hmm. I had a few flings with women before meeting my dh, and I still feel attracted to the odd one now and again, but I just couldn't do that to my dh. I find lesbian porn so much more watchable, but dh and I still have a good sex life.
Turn it around, I would be horrified if dh fancied a one night stand with either a man or another woman, so I just wouldn't put him in the position of asking.
Basically, I feel like I've made my choices, now I have to live with them.

proseccowithastraw Wed 29-Jun-16 13:44:28

monkey, NOT ON MY HIGH HORSE!! I think what I'm saying is useful. I don't have my judgey pants on, I have personal experience and have also heard several similar scenarios and it usually ends in tears. It can get very complicated and actually tbf, the OP is asking for advice. I think that's what is being given. Generally consensus is, don't throw caution to the wind.

proseccowithastraw Wed 29-Jun-16 13:45:44


proseccowithastraw Wed 29-Jun-16 13:46:46

Sirona, remember it well.

OurBlanche Wed 29-Jun-16 13:51:04

Being uncertain about your sexuality can be really confusing. It isn't fair to round upon OP for having confusing/chaotic thoughts.

I have a friend who was gay, married a woman, the love of her life. Less than a year later she realised she wanted kids and a husband with whom to have them. So she divorced and married her now husband and has had 1 child and is expecting their second (I think).

Sadly she has now met 'the absolute love of her life' another woman.

I lost her friendship when, having listened and supported her in trying to understand her feelings and to make decisions, I suggested that it wasn't being bi-sexual that was her issue, but falling madly in love and not being able to sustain the 'fairy tale feeling' forever.

I don't think her sexuality is her problem. She is just always acting on 'lust' and doesn't have much scruple against starting affairs. I suspect if she was either straight or gay she would be equally faithless. She is, in my opinion, just really bad at love and fidelity.

Before you act consider whether you are letting curiosity kill the cat or if your relationship with your DH is simply not fulfilling you any longer. Would you want to leave him if you had not had bi-curious feelings? If the answer is yes, leave him and then look for new relationships.

Good luck working your way through this.

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