He ran off from me over a misunderstanding but that was just the straw that broke the camels back I guess. He's now moved all his stuff out and is away in another city planning to move there and won't speak to me. He just said that he doesn't believe things will change, he's tired of being hurt and doesn't trust me.
My issue is partly that I can't forgive myself for the way I treated him and making the person I love feel like that and get to the point where he had to leave me. I just feel like a horrible person and can't believe I did those things and acted like that. I need some perspective on what I did please. And also on the relationship. Not really advice about what to do as I know all that already as I don't even have a choice but to move on.
I tried to control him to go along with my OCD rituals. Constantly criticising him, asking him to do things like washing his hands and mentioning things to do with my contamination OCD. It's like I can't believe that was me. But it was. And I take responsibility. I don't really care about things and don't want to act that or let it affect him like I did. I have obsessive thoughts about past mistakes too so I'm really beating myself up about it all.
At the beginning of our relationship I let him become an element in trauma for me as I put up with his alcoholism and him living in this horrible house share where anyone could move in (it was like a step up from living on the streets). I actually ended up moving in there because I had low self esteem when I met him and deluded myself into thinking whatever he thought was ok was ok when it really wasn't. I just wanted to be with him and to go along with whatever he wanted. Obviously that's not his fault at all it was mine for being like that. So after something happened at this horrible accommodation which bothered both of us but that I was actually traumatised by I then realised it was all wrong and needed to move out. He wanted to move out too but also had low esteem which manifested in a different way. I think he was scared of living in a nice place because he thought the nice normal people wouldn't accept him or something. So he wouldn't bother looking for places to move out and I had to do all the work looking for individual places just for me and places for both of us and kept nagging him and convincing him to help me look for both of us and help him self by looking just for himself too. He'd also miss some viewings because of his drinking. All this caused me to have the extreme OCD related to being trapped in that place with scary people etc.and it wasn't his fault at all that we were in that situation because I chose to move in there when he kindly offered but at that point where we both realised how horrible it was and I was being traumatised he kept making it go on for longer and making it worse by being drunk a lot.
So that is why I have still tried to control him related to my OCD because although I have tried to forgive and forget I guess my OCD subconsciously could not forget. It's not an excuse just a reason. There are no excuses for what I've done in my mind. I just feel so bad about it. He's since changed and not drinking for a year yet I still let my OCD fears about the past effect him by trying to control him which is so horrible and unfair. I don't care about those OCD things really I just wanted to move on and be nice to him and happy. I know for sure I could be. We also have natural communication issues between us would be there anyway. He bottles things up then gets really angry and says horrible things calls me names etc. But I'm willing to deal with that and be the bigger person in those situations and just let it go rather than engaging in defending myself against his false accusations etc. I know I can do it. He's worth it.
Also I'm so ashamed but one time I threw a champagne bottle on the floor between us over something stupid OCD thing I was going internally crazy over and he was ignoring me. I can't believe I did that and there is no excuse I feel terrible. He must have scared. I mean I was scared by it and I was the one who threw it. However, he doesn't believe me that I was aiming for the floor where it landed and thinks I tried to threw it at him but missed. I tried to explain that I know its still bad but that's not true but he won't hear it. Also, he thinks I do other things which I never do like he accuses me of lying etc. I think because of the bottle throwing incident he has it in his mind that I'm an abuser and that I do things which classic abusers do or something which he read about. Like isolating him from friends and family (we moved to another city so we could afford a place together), lying and 'trying to make it so he can't live without me'. None of those things are true whatsoever. So I know I've mistreated him and I feel like a bad person but on top of what's actually happened he thinks I'm worse than I am. He probably wouldn't want to get back with me anyway though so I guess it;s besides the point.
I feel like this horrible abuser and I just need some perspective on how bad it was and the situation because I know in the past my obsessive thoughts cloud my judgement. However I know it's bad so I really don't know. I'm really not looking for someone to tell it's ok etc. at all. I'm just looking for the truth of what my perspective really is and how bad it really was whatever that may be. So then I can know how to come to terms with that.
Imagine your friend came to you and said they'd done the things I've done to their partner behaved that way. What would your honest reaction be?
Now imagine someone you care about came to you and told you that their partner had treated them and behaved the way I have to my boyfriend. What would your honest reaction be?
I really need help knowing what everyone's perspective and preferably why so I can help know my own. Thanks.
It is sad because I know he still loves me and I know we could be happy together as I know what to do now. Basically just let every argument no matter how small or big I think it is because he's worth it to make him happy. And I'm also seeing a therapist now and I'm on anti anti anxiety meds.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Boyfriend broke up with me - Won't talk to me
user1466013611 · 15/06/2016 19:25
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