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Possibly caught DH in a lie... what next?

(37 Posts)
Sweetlittleevilme Sat 04-Jun-16 20:52:33

First time poster, long time lurker. Would really appreciate any advice as I don't know what to think and have no-one I can talk to. Sorry that this may be a bit long.

Been married to my H for 3 years, together for 7. No kids. We've been going through a rocky patch lately. He's been away a lot trying to start a new business; although I am trying to be as supportive as possible (giving advice, sourcing stock, helping him renovate the premises etc), it does feel as if I have slipped down his list of priorities. I know that's inevitable to an extent, but it got to the point where I felt I didn't matter to him at all (case in point: he asked me to come and meet his new business partner (who is now one of his closest friends - let's call him Ed) in the pub for drinks one weekend evening; I'm not the most sociable of people - very, very shy - but I got dressed up, made the effort and thought it was going well until H took me to one side after an hour and asked me to go home so they could carry on talking about the business).

Anyway, about a month ago things came to a head (H stayed out all night taking coke, something he'd never done since being with me) and we had a huge row. I said some things I'm not proud of and dredged up a lot of stuff from the past that I thought we'd put behind us. I am ashamed of this, but I also made a dig about me being the main breadwinner (he has been fired from four jobs in the last three years), which is something I knew he was particularly sensitive about. Since then, on the surface we've been ok but there has been a lot of sadness between us.

Anyway, on Thursday afternoon he told me he had to go to another town for a business meeting. I spoke to him by phone a few hours later and he said it was going well. After the call, I texted him with times for the last train home and went to bed. I tried to ring him after the last train should have departed to check he made it (in case I needed to go out and pick him up) and he didn't answer. Then at about 1.30am I got a text from him saying he was back in our home town and in a club with Ed (somewhere they go regularly) because Ed wanted to know how the business meeting had gone.

I then didn't hear anything more from him until 9.30am the next morning, when I rang him to find out where he was. He told me he got drunk and stayed at Ed's house (Ed lives about 10 minutes' walk away) and that he'd be home soon. He was due to spend this weekend with his family who live about 300miles away, so I only saw him briefly before he had to leave again (and to be honest I was so upset with him that I barely spoke to him).

For various reasons I ended up spending a bit of time with Ed this afternoon. Ed is a nice guy, I don't know him that well but he strikes me as v honest and with a lot of integrity. Anyway, in an unguarded chatty moment, Ed mentioned in passing that he spent Thursday night in another city miles away from here with some of his other friends - so there's no way my H could have been with him. He also didn't seem to know anything about this business meeting that my H had apparently been at. While I was digesting this information, Ed got a phone call from my H (who knew I was with him). After that, when I tried to casually ask Ed for more details about what they'd been up to and how the business meeting went, he seemed to change his story and started talking about the club and the state both he and my H had been in on Friday morning.

It's POSSIBLE Ed got his dates mixed up and meant to say he was in this other city on Wednesday night and the story is exactly as my H said. But Ed seemed so uncomfortable with my casual questioning (you know when you can tell someone is lying to you) that I'm suspicious. I don't know what to do. Do I ask Ed to level with me and tell me what actually happened? I don't want to put him on the spot but equally I feel I need to know. Or do I wait for H to return and ask him directly, risking a potentially marriage-ending row?

NowSissyThatWalk Sat 04-Jun-16 21:04:51

I'm so sorry you're going through this, what an awful situation cake
Personally I would be tempted to do the 'I know what you really did, and I am giving you the opportunity to tell me yourself so we can try and work past this.'
I'm sorry I don't believe he was with Ed. That's not to say he with another woman for definite, but I just don't think he was with Ed. It doesn't stack up in any way.
I was with my ex for four years and I went through similar to you, the only thing that worked was making out like I knew, I know that may seem immature but technically, if you were honest with yourself you do know something's not right. He may not admit it out right, or he may. You've given him plenty of opportunities to come clean and also the coke thing is shocking
You deserve more than this.
It is salvageable, so long as their is complete honesty here on in.
He needs to seriously buck up x

FellOutOfBed2wice Sat 04-Jun-16 21:06:44

I would ask Ed outright. This sounds dodgy but I think he's more likely to tell you the truth first as you say he seems like a decent guy.

NowSissyThatWalk Sat 04-Jun-16 21:06:57

Oh, and 'risking a potentially marriage ending row' would not be anybody's fault but his. You have more than enough justification to be concerned, as I'm sure he would be if the tables were turned.

FellOutOfBed2wice Sat 04-Jun-16 21:07:16

And yeah, so sorry you're going through this OP. Your husband sounds like a bit of a twat.

sansXsouci Sat 04-Jun-16 21:10:37

If my recent experience of this sort of thing is anything to go by he'll deny everything unless he thinks you have absolute proof, and even then he may still deny it.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Sat 04-Jun-16 21:15:55

Think long & hard - and honestly, about your marriage.

You only get one life & I'd not want to be spending my life with him. I'd get the hell out.

There are so many reasons in your post. Not just the lying.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 04-Jun-16 21:15:58

Fired 4 times in 3 years. That implies he is a twat in some way. Is he?

ijustwannadance Sat 04-Jun-16 21:17:40

Well dodgy sorry. Your DH is lying and put his mate in the shit position of lying for him. Ed told you the truth before the phone call.
Getting sacked from so many jobs is awful and coke is an expensive habit.
If I was you op I would thank the lord there are no DC's involved and run like the wind. You DH sounds like a complete arsehole.

Kr1stina Sat 04-Jun-16 21:17:54

I'd say nothing to your H and start playing detective

Sweetlittleevilme Sat 04-Jun-16 21:25:25

Thank you all for your replies; I really do appreciate them. I'm getting upset reading them but only because I know you're right (and to have people think I may have a reason to be concerned means a lot and makes me feel less like I'm being a nag!)

NowSissy - I've done the making out like I knew thing lots of times before and it's usually worked. I'm not sure if Ed cottoned on that I was suspicious though so he may be ready for me this time...

Felloutofbed and RunRabbit - he can definitely be a twat when he puts his mind to it. I think it's largely that he's quite immature and selfish, his heart is usually in the right place but sometimes - like now - he gets it spectacularly wrong. I think that's why I'm so confused. And I'm scared at the thought it may not be salvageable.

ImperialBlether Sat 04-Jun-16 21:25:31

I think you have made a huge mistake with this man.

He's clearly lying to you. I would bet money that he rarely even sees this friend but that he's seeing a woman instead.

Surely his being fired 4 times in 3 years should have alerted you to the fact he was dodgy?

I think you should get out asap and look for a decent, truthful, hardworking guy instead.

ImperialBlether Sat 04-Jun-16 21:27:06

Where exactly is his heart?

He told you to leave the pub.
He's taking coke.
He's lying about his whereabouts.
He's telling his friend to lie.
He's been sacked 4 times in 3 years.

Come on, OP, for god's sake wake up and see what's really going on.

fastdaytears Sat 04-Jun-16 21:27:45

It doesn't sound like you're getting a huge amount from this relationship.

Oakmaiden Sat 04-Jun-16 21:30:15

It is salvageable, so long as their is complete honesty here on in.

^^I would be inclined to start with this.

If you want our marriage to work, we have to be completely honest to each other. At the moment there is a lot going on I am unhappy about. And you know I was talking to Ed, when you phoned, and he was telling me about his trip to x last Thursday. Please tell me what is going on.

Oakmaiden Sat 04-Jun-16 21:31:37

It might not be another woman - but whatever it is, it doesn't look good...

ImperialBlether Sat 04-Jun-16 21:36:22

Come on, he had to be with a woman on that Thursday night, otherwise he would have just told her the guy's name.

NowSissyThatWalk Sat 04-Jun-16 21:39:55

Go easy, imperial.
OP, I agree with OakMaiden, you have to know everything NOW. That's the only way this can move forward, and you must tell him that.

ImperialBlether Sat 04-Jun-16 21:45:22

NowSissy, you can't just demand that he tells all. He's a liar. That's been proved. If he said he was with one man and it's found he wasn't, then he's hardly likely to be with another man.

AnotherPrickInTheWall Sat 04-Jun-16 21:52:13

He makes a dig about you being the main breadwinner when he lives off you and brags about his new business venture before going awol???
I don't think you really need MN's input to give you your answers do you OP?
You need a supportive partner ,and he sounds like an entitled sponger.

Doinmummy Sat 04-Jun-16 21:52:16

What a horrible situation Op . If he's been sacked a number of times , is lying to you , not coming home etc my guess is that he's taking cocaine more often than you think .

Puff42 Sat 04-Jun-16 21:54:59

What a horrible situation Op . If he's been sacked a number of times , is lying to you , not coming home etc my guess is that he's taking cocaine more often than you think .

I totally agree. I'm sorry OP, what a mess this all is. sad

MonicaFree Sat 04-Jun-16 21:56:50

OP, he's cheating or upping the drugs or both. And you're funding it.

Telling you to leave the pub was mean. He's a user.

Gather your dignity, don't bother trying to make this work. He's playing you.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 04-Jun-16 21:58:55

How can a guy who got fired all those times be smart enough to start up his own business?????

I wonder if he could go into the Guiness Book of WR.........

Why was he fired??

ThatStewie Sat 04-Jun-16 22:02:19

Selfish and immature men very rarely change. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with man that you call selfish immature?

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