My head is spinning

[Starlet1]

My partner is an entertainer. We have been together 6 years.
He has just left for a season working abroad and I am suposed to follow him next week.
Recently though I found out by accident that he has gambled his savings away, 3k+, has taken out credit cards which although have small limits are already maxed out.He has also been texting and phoning at least one woman I know of for the duration of our relationship, even giving her money! So much so that the poor woman believes she is in a relationship with him.
As I say he has gone abroad already. Because he has no money he asked me for £200 I said no, but gave in and gave him half that He kept going on and on anout how he was going abroad with no money and expecting me to give him more. Yes i do have my own income, but i am not a free bank. I have bailed him out many times and never get the momey back I spent most of yesterday looking for some euros I thought, no, knew, were in my purse but they are gone. , maybe I lost them, I don't know.My son thinks otherwise.
The point is, I am still hurt by these revelations and realise all the many lies I have been told over the years.I guess the rosy glasses have gone and I am seeing reality.
Family tell me to go and live abroad for 3 months and enjoy it, but his finances mean that he cannot afford to pay for me to get there, it involves a taxi, train, flight, transport to resort etc -with 3 months of clothing and I am disabled. I have to pay to get there myself which annoyed me as he threw so much money down the drain.
I need to transport my work and for that need to,purchase a cheaper sewing machine than I already own and have that sent out,,plus fabrics, patterns and so on. I cannot just stop working. The whole thing is going to cost me around £500, which at first he said he would pay, but now I know he can't.
The house and car are mine too, and they need sorting out, and I have consultants appointments.... Am I making excuses? I don't know.
It all seems insurmountable, my son says don't go, my father says go, my head is spinning, I don't know what to do ,the sheer logistics of getting there terrify me too, although I know that being disabled I can get assistance
This job came out of the blue so I have only had a week to try and start sorting things out.
People say I am lucky to be given this opportunity, and it is good, so why do I feel depressed about it?
Any logical thoughts please! My brain is muddled.

[LizKeen]

Do not go. Stop subsidising this arsehole. He has cheated on you, stolen from you, expects you to pay for his gambling and secret relationship. Why are you even considering going?

Listen to your son.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hell no op

Seriously he's a womanising gambler and abusive to boot, all that's missing is an alcohol problem and he's got the full fuckwit bingo card.

I hope he's not taking advantage of you because of your disability, and I hope you don't think he's the best you could hope for or deserve.

Listen to your son he's the only male who's actually looking out for you here.

[MagicalMrsMistoffelees]

Why does your father want you to go with this man?! I think your son is the better judge here.

Imagine a friend confided in you that her boyfriend:

-was giving money to a woman who thinks she's in a relationship with him (WTF?!)
-had stolen from her (Euros out of purse)
-kept trying to get more money out her
-was gambling money away
-was in massive debt

What would you say to her? What would you advise? I mean seriously - would you really say (as your father has) to go abroad for three months with this man?! It's not even all expenses paid - you have to pay for everything, sort out stuff back home and miss medical appointments.

I think you have your answer.

[Piemernator]

The man your seeing is a mega shithead. Dump him immediately and don't date while you get your head sorted out. If it takes months or even years do that first. I had my head messed with in my late twenties so made the conscious decision to not date at all.

[SixtiesChildOfWildBlueSkies]

He's gambled 3K savings away.
Has maxed out credit cards.
He's stolen money from your purse.
He texts and phones another woman and takes money from her.
He demands money from you by tantrumming if you first refuse.

All this adds up to him being a LOSER.
*


You have a good job.
You have a car.
You have a house.
You have a sensible son.

All this shouts WINNER!


Don't go on this trip - he's not even interested enough to help you journey out there. Whilst he's gone make sure your locks are changed, all his gear is bagged up and put somewhere out of the house for him to collect, then get on with the rest of your life.

Good luck.

[Starlet1]

Alcohol? That made me laugh. Whilst I might have just one glass of wine three or four times a week at most, he will easily drink a whole bottle, and more, every day. And when he gets in the whiskey, which I have banned from the house, he gets agressive, it changes him. He cannot go a day without alcohol.
So, yes you are right.

[ptumbi]

So - you have your answer, Starlet!

[ImperialBlether]

Can you give us one reason why you should go? He sounds absolutely awful and your poor son must be in despair and the way you're being manipulated.

[ImperialBlether]

Oh and I'd say if that woman thought she was in a relationship with him, she WAS in a relationship with him.

[FetchezLaVache]

Don't go and don't let this fuckwit back into your house.

[FaithAscending]

Going abroad for 3 months could be a wonderful experience in the right circumstances. However, I think this will be costly (it'll be way more than £500 if he has no money, he'll bleed you dry while you're there with him). Cut your losses. Stay at home, keep those appointments you've got, focus on your business. I think you'll regret it more if you go than not.

[PurpleWithRed]

Another voice to the chorus - rejoice in his departure, change the locks, sell his stuff to repay his debts to you. Lucky escape!

[LineyReborn]

Please don't go.

Be glad he is gone. Use the time to break free of him completely. Disassociate him from your life and your address.

Move on. Onwards and upwards.

[purplefox]

poor woman believes she is in a relationship with him

He's cheating on you, he lies, he's using you for money, he can't be trusted, he's an alcoholic gambler. It's a no brainer, don't go.

[Starlet1]

I appreciate your honesty
You are all saying what I was thinking.
I think my head is in a whirl because I thought he had sorted himself out. It was only four weeks ago that I found his bank statements, which he hides, and also credit card statements, The bank statements showed healthy credits going in but every transaction out was going to L*s on a gambling app.
He is supposed to help out wilth bills and buy all the food, but recently I have been moaning a lot because the fridge always seems bare, he says there is no point In having unnecessary food in it. My appetite is poor and I like to graze rather than have huge meals you know.
His answer to any sort of money shortage is to just sell something to those awful money traders. I hate lthem.
I am really shocked by all this. I never saw any of it coming.
And to give another woman money ibehind my back s unforgivabke
The trouble is that he gets angry when I try to talk about any of this. He denys taking euros from my purse, he says they will turn up....??
He says he won back more than he gambled, Yeh, like I believe THAT ONE!
Thanks for your replies.
Still confused, hurt, and don't trust him.

[FurryDogMother]

I rarely reply to posts about relationships, because I feel that it's difficult to get a true idea of a situation via one post - but in your case I'll make an exception, because it's so clear-cut. Do not go - simple as that - this man is a loser on so may fronts. Stay home, continue working, and treat yourself to a holiday abroad at some other time, without this deadweight round your neck.

[TheNaze73]

Under no circumstances would I go

[Starlet1]

Thank you all. My disability is Parkinsons, I got it young, I am in my late 50s now. So my brain does get fudged at times
I also have mobility problems.
I work for myself which is why he suggested I carry on working abroad, but after the money tantrums I realise I would have to,pay to get my equipment out there.
Yes, under normal circumstances I would not be hesitating at all. My disability makes me muddled at times. Thank you all.
Not one of you thinks I should go!

[Guiltypleasures001]

Your not confused lovely

Your probably blindsided and deep down a little humiliated, I think all of us reading your posts would feel the same too.

But you have a choice, there's nothing stopping you taking back the power here, and just letting him go.
Change the locks and lock down any valuables money accounts etc so nothing else goes missing.

Wave this wanker on his way nod smile bolt door.

Then and graze on rinse and repeat.

Your a grown woman who's successful in your own right, stop procrastinating and get planning and doing. You can use the alone time later to lick your wound and hurt ego X

[timelytess]

Just in case you falter in your resolve, here's another 'No' from me. Combined with a 'Never see him again'.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Suffice to say mumsnet would be heading you off at the airport if we thought you were going

[Allalonenow]

Use this time while he is away wisely.
Use it to clear him, his debts, his cheating and lying, his drinking, out of your life.

Focus on rebuilding your life without him, focus on your job and your future life.
Keep telling yourself how much better your life will be without this man dragging you down.

[BitOutOfPractice]

You don't sound confused to me OP. You sound totally switched on. But sometimes it's still hard to take that final step, even when you know it's the right one.

You have three months clear now to get everything sorted. See a solicitor, get everything in place. Then when you are ready, text him and say "don't come home knobcheese"

[Squeegle]

I'm so sorry you are going through this
Definitely don't go
Safeguard your cash as much as you can
Don't let him have access to anything.
He is gas lighting you, you are right about everything and he's trying to convince you otherwise
Like the others say, stay put, get everything sorted

[Squeegle]

By the way, I suspect those who are saying to you take advantage of the opportunity are those to whom you have held back some of the facts. I suspect if you told them the whole story the advice would be very different?