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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

partner of 11 years left me

28 replies

mummyof2lilboys · 18/05/2016 20:53

Hi,

New here!.. Well my partner of 11 years left me 2.5 months ago! We have 2 gorgeous lil boys together!.. Our relationship was fine (regular sex to) so it came out of the blue for me! We had a few downs last year but got over them together and we moved into a new house 8 months ago!.. His reason for leaving was the usual 'he doesn't feel the same anymore'

Well we had a family day out last week for my sons birthday (he asked for us all to go together!) and it was such a fun day we headed home and got a takeaway and me and ex ended up having sex when the kids went to bed!.. (Neither of us have been with anyone else yet!)

The other day he brought the pressies round for son and in the bag was my fave smelly candle and fave sweets! And today he (unexpected) rings me saying he's popping up to drop something off and he had brought me and him a breakfast baguette each!. He Still calls me babe, gets jealous over other men!..

But then as he was leaving he was telling me his plans (staying in a room at his mates at the minute) he said he's gunna be there for atleast 6 months whilst he saves for a deposit on a 1 bed flat!.. (So obviously no plans on coming back home!)

I'm just sooo confused! Do U think I'm looking to much into this?! And he's just being nice?! Or am i getting strung along?!

OP posts:

Report

Easybee7692 · 18/05/2016 20:57

Neither of us have been with anyone else yet - how do you know that? It's impossible to know and to be honest leaving out of the blue is rare unless a reason behind it.

Sounds like he is a cake and eating it type of guy to me!

Don't sleep with him again as it will cause you pain. If he wants you back them make sure he works bloody hard to make sure it happens!

CalleighDoodle · 18/05/2016 20:59

I dont think he is being nice. I think henis offering crubs to control you. Have you stopped actively puttig yourself out there since he has been 'nice'?

silverpenny · 18/05/2016 20:59

Sounds like he is taking the piss and using you to get his end away. Is he giving you money for DC?

mummyof2lilboys · 18/05/2016 21:05

I know because he's renting the room at my parents if he's not at work (works 13 hour shifts) he's here seeing the boys or with his best friend! (I am good friends with his wife so she tells me when he's been there!) otherwise he's at my parents house!..

I am still on a dating website and haven't stopped talking to people on there!.. Don't want to put my life on hold waiting for him!..

He's been nice throughout it all and yes he's paying me 400 a month in CM :)

OP posts:

mummyof2lilboys · 18/05/2016 21:06

Oh he's never been the controlling type either he was the chilled one in the relationship lol

OP posts:

mummyof2lilboys · 18/05/2016 21:07

Realised I wrote 'renting a room at his mates' he is at my parents at the moment but will be moving in with his 'mate' next month hopefully :)

OP posts:

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 18/05/2016 21:08

Yes he's totally stringing you along!

CalleighDoodle · 18/05/2016 21:09

Or he is keeping you sweet because he is weirdly renting a room at your parents?

mummyof2lilboys · 18/05/2016 21:14

Lol.. I know that's weird but he had nowhere else to go but moving out next month so all good!..

OP posts:

silverpenny · 18/05/2016 21:27

What do you want? Are you hoping if you have sex with him he will come back?

HeddaGarbled · 18/05/2016 21:27

I think this is called having his cake and eating it. He gets to play happy families and have sex when he wants but still gets to live a bachelor life, not having to come home to a house full of children, while you look after those children full time in return for the odd present and a bit of sweet talking.

Don't put up with this shit. Either he's in or he's out. If he's out, he can take the children out on his own which will give you the chance to meet someone who actually wants to be in a relationship with you rather than someone who actually wants to be in a committed relationship with you.

And don't ever sleep with him again!

HeddaGarbled · 18/05/2016 21:29

Sorry, second paragraph was a bit garbled, but I hope you catch my drift.

Kidnapped · 18/05/2016 21:30

So he has his own life to do what he wants and spends a bit of his free time to do all the nice things about family life (days out with kids, sex with you when he feels like it) and none of the drudgery of looking after kids and a house.

He's just taking the good bits and letting you deal with the rest.

And if he is intending to move in with a mate, presumably he won't be able to have the kids overnight there?

How about suggesting that he takes the kids for a weekend (he can look after them in your parents' house) to give you a break?

Kidnapped · 18/05/2016 21:31

Cross posted with Hedda.

mummyof2lilboys · 18/05/2016 21:36

Thanks for the replies!..

Silver penny- no not at all.. I'm a naturally horny person anyway (so would rather of slept with him than find someone new atm) we had such a nice day just got caught up in the moment!.. There was no planning behind it! It just happened!..

OP posts:

mummyof2lilboys · 18/05/2016 21:38

He has the kids once a week overnight at my parents!.. And comes over and looks after them if I want a night out/go to a movie etc!..

His mate has a girlfriend and a kid of there own! So he will be having there spare room and the kids can stay there too

OP posts:

mummyof2lilboys · 18/05/2016 21:40

Also it's just so hard to cut contact (well minimal contact!) after 11 years together (never broke up in them 11 years!) speaking/seeing him daily! How do u just cut contact like that?

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2016 22:18

Yes OP, sorry, you're looking into this too much. If he wanted you and wanted to be with you, he would never have left. He's made definite plans to move on but is still keeping you on a string because as you say, you'd rather have sex with him than find somebody new.

His relationship with his children doesn't need to suffer just because you start pulling back. He can still be a good independently of you.

It's only 2.5 months since he left. Are you that desperate to find somebody else already? All that says to me is that you haven't accepted that he's gone, you're not grieving for your relationship because you don't think it's over. I think you'll find that there's probably somebody new for him who is somewhere in the wings.

Don't keep having sex with him, it won't make him want you, it will just make you feel like crap when realisation dawns on you. For your sake, start making the break now - and stop the sex, it's demeaning to you, he's left you!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2016 22:19

*He can still be a good DAD, I meant to say.

mummyof2lilboys · 18/05/2016 22:30

No not desperate to find anyone else!.. I've only ever slept with him!.. And I was doing fine with the moving on part until that family day out and what happened after! It messed with my head and now I'm confused all over again!.. I'm not planning on sleeping with him again!.. Just struggling with cutting the cords so to speak!.. Like you said it's only been 2.5 months so still adjusting to life without him.. And of course make a few mistakes along the way!.. I'm trying to get my head back into that space I was at before we slept together as I was in a good place then and adamant I didn't want him back and wasn't thinking about what he was up to etc! I'm sure I'll get back there just wish he wouldn't be nice!..

OP posts:

mummyof2lilboys · 18/05/2016 22:31

Also not 'keep' sleeping with him I have slept with him that once after the family day out!.. Which is a mistake I won't be repeating

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2016 23:30

Good for you, mummy, but he's not 'being nice', he's playing a role there. He left you - and instead of letting you gather yourself together, he's playing you. That's not kind and it shows no care or consideration for you whatsoever. On the contrary, it shows how dismissive and uncaring of you he actually is.

Let him take the children when he's supposed to but please, for YOUR sake, don't fall into acting like a family when you aren't any longer because it will completely mess you up. You say yourself how confused you are... whether you want him back or not, he knows how you feel about him and, if he wanted you, he would come back - but he hasn't and isn't. He's making concrete plans to finalise his move away from you. That should tell you how serious he is about ending this relationship but - if he can keep you stroking his ego he's happy to play along.

I'm so sorry that he's being so unfair to you. All you can do is keep your heart safe from him so that it has time to heal. Less than 3 months is no time at all, I'm not surprised that you so keenly wanted to believe after the family day out... that's why you mustn't go on any more of these fairytale outings because they'll just hurt you.

What your parents are thinking of letting him rent a room with them I just don't know? He needs to stand on his own two feet - and they need to be supporting YOU, not HIM!

He's not worth a second more of your time. Let him carry on being a dad and paying the child maintenance, he doesn't deserve thanks for that. He wanted the children, so he's responsible for them 50%.

Find other distractions, anything to take your mind of this idiot.

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Princesspinkgirl · 18/05/2016 23:35

Have you spoke to him about how your feeling op

HeddaGarbled · 18/05/2016 23:40

You are seeing too much of him and that's why you are struggling to separate yourself emotionally (and physically). Think of all the things you can do to keep contact to a minimum - doorstep handovers, don't let him in the house, arrangements for the children by text, no texting unless it's about the children, no more family days out etc.

I know everyone says about not rushing into a new relationship but I don't see why you shouldn't date if you want to. Do you have friends you can have fun with though? Nights out shouldn't only be about dating new men. Non romantic friends and activities can be a wonderful support at a time like this -and you could always use a vibrator temporarily-

SandyY2K · 18/05/2016 23:44

He has no right to get jealous of other men since he's left you. Infact I would be making it clear I'm going on dates and not putting my life on hold for him.

Show that you're moving on and just coparent as well as possible.

Going out as a family is okay for now ... but it won't be when you have other partners.

I don't think I could be that friendly with a partner just dumping me after 11 years.

Did you get together very young?
Did he give any explanation at all?
Clearly he's fallen out of love with you .... but still likes you.

Flip

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