Is it normal?

[cheesecadet]

...to go through life with plenty of failed friendships?

Have you had people you haven't seen eye to eye with, disagreed with on things (causing ends of friendships), people who stop contact for no apparent reason.

For some reason, it's bothering me far too much this weekend, not sure why when I've managed to get on with things previously.

Feeling lonely, when normally I'm a strong independent single lady.

[Offred]

Depends what type of person you are.

My sister has loads and loads of friends of all kinds. She is an extrovert. She likes to have lots of friends available and is not as bothered if she disagrees with them on things.

I, by contrast, have few friends. Usually just one or two very good friends as it matters a great to me that people who I am friends with do not hold views that are offensive or objectionable and I am an introvert.

[merville]

100% same.
And it can be frustrating/a bit depressing.

[cheesecadet]

I have few friends. I'm not one for quantity but quality. But I tend to see fault in people and don't take any nonsense, therefore I'd rather have a friend who doesn't piss me off. Maybe this is a fault of mine? I know I'm not perfect.

But then I've had friends who have, in my eyes, disregarded friendships with me over minor things, which I have found upsetting. And two friends that won't tell me what I've done wrong. And a friend that is there no matter what, serious fall out, but has always seen the good in me, (lives far away though).

Also I think I make more effort to see people, family and friends, it's a bit one way. Maybe that's me expecting too much.

Just trying to get my feelings out while they're in my mind, sorry if it appears garbled.

[cheesecadet]

And I've never had a best friend for life.

[cheesecadet]

Thanks for the replies. merville do you feel it's anything you've done or just the way it goes. I et really envious of people that have been really good friends for years.

[Offred]

It's not a fault IMO it is just how you are.

I always get pissed off if people lecture me about how tolerance is in some way a virtue is choosing friends.

I am a sensitive and introverted person and I do a lot of voluntary work with all kinds of people and I fundamentally believe that everyone deserves live and support BUT for me friendships are meant to add happiness to your life. People who I take into my life need to add something to it.

What people with lots of friends and sometimes this judgemental attitude about the virtue of tolerance do not understand is that I feel very differently about friendships, about the value of quantity over quality etc

I don't believe it is about tolerance either, it is about not being as sensitive where other people's values and beliefs are concerned and being more extroverted so placing greater value on quantity.

Neither way is a fault if you are managing friendships in a way that makes you feel happy - not all the time obviously but generally.

I've been much happier since I stopped giving weight to people who criticise my way of having friends. Yes sometimes you end up alone but IMO better to be alone for a short while than try to maintain a friendship beyond the end of its life. And I make friends easily, there are plenty of people in the world!

[Offred]

I've never had a best friend for life either but I now feel that wouldn't make me happy really do it's not a loss.

I think you need to not be bothered about being compatible and more invested in maintaining the friendship to achieve a best friend for life - it just isn't the way I am and I'd find it stifling!

[merville]

Mainly just the way it goes, but also when younger I was probably a bit intolerant/idealistic.
I do think that truly genuine people who can maintain long-term friendships are in the (extreme) minority.

[cheesecadet]

These replies are really helpful thank you. I didn't think I was the only one like this but wanted to know I was normal!!

I was cut off very quickly by a friend, was de-friended on facebook, then she made out it was a problem she had about herself. Just wish people could say why!

[cheesecadet]

Also It appears that some people never fall out with anyone. I'm the type that if I disagree with something I say, not in a horrible way, just honestly. Do people just like to avoid being honest?

[wtffgs]

Yes, honesty isn't that valued. An ex-friend was really bitchy to me one day. I called her out on it but I a "I'm worried about you because you're not normally like that" way. She dropped me like a stone. Unfortunately, I think I am drawn to abusive friendships IYSWIM as well as abusive relationships. I am very lacking in self-confidence and I do think some people have homed in on that vulnerability and used me as a bit of an emotional punchbag. I've got better at recognising the process now. It's just made me more introverted though. Mostly I feel incredibly lonely even though I have kids, a FT job and two hobbies.

[cheesecadet]

wtffgs love the username!!

I'm sorry she dropped you, that's not nice. Was it a personal bitchy remark?

And I'm sorry you are lonely, is it something you admit in RL?

I don't generally feel lonely, I really enjoy my space. But when I do, I don't admit to it. I have 1 single friend, I don't ask my friends to go anywhere as they are in couples, and I am proud and don't like to show my weaknesses!

One friend I connect with but she's always made other arrangements at the last minute which boils my wee, so I don't bother now. Still talk though.

[Offred]

I think some people value maintaining many or long friendships over honesty and a deeper level of shared compatibility yes.

I don't think that there is anything wrong with that way of having friends if it makes you happy - certainly does make my sister happy and my BF.

What makes me happy is being able to really share myself honestly and have the other person be able to share themself honestly and the price of that is sometimes cutting off/being cut off and sometimes being alone. Just like the price of having long/many friends is not really being that close to other people.

It all depends on what kind of approach adds more to and takes less from your life.

I think there is an expectation that you 'should' be 'tolerant' etc sometimes but it was the expectation of that from other people making me most unhappy in the past. Since I made peace with myself I have been sanguine about friendships coming and going and much more able to enjoy them.

[Offred]

Some people can't handle and don't want the types of friendship I most value. I can't handle and don't value having lots of friends that feel 'superficial' to me; in comparison to the type of friendship I like to have.

No right or wrong way. If unhappy, work on why I would say!

[Hissy]

I have nothing constructive to add, but yes, this is me too.

I wonder if it's the crappy job done on me by my parents in terms of not feeling good enough abut myself and therefore imagining that no boy would want to bother doing X, y or z.

Although I do offer, but somehow people find someone more interesting/useful and in many cases superficial and that seems to suit them fine.

It probably is me. I'm single too.

[cheesecadet]

Interesting comments. hissy what age range are you? I'm late 30s.

[Hissy]

Late 40's x

[Hissy]

I had an abusive ex and was isolated from everyone I knew too, so that didn't help.

School is a bit like an expat dynamic, puts you together with people you'd not normally spend time with, but as that is all there is at times it's hard to stay out of the desire to be accepted etc.

[Offred]

Yeah school is weird. I did not get on with anybody in high school. Was bullied and didn't have a single friend for 3 years then got in with some crappy mates who treated me like a patsy. It's the last time I felt remotely like I should work to 'be accepted' and most recently have really understood that I needed to work to accept myself!

[Hissy]

I do accept myself, I guess that comes with age, but clearly I'm the only one who does.

I'm seeing a guy who apparently thinks the world of me, but he's pushing the "relationship" too far too fast and I don't actually believe anyone who waxes lyrical about how wonderful I am anyway.

[Hissy]

I meant school now in terms of being a parent and having school mum friends. But yeah, I was regularly dropped and ignored by some of the girls at school. I've never really fitted in.

[Offred]

Yeah school playground parents I think often behave just like school kids. I'm a bit of a joke to a lot of them but I really don't care. There are some nice ones but making friends with school parents seems a bit like making friends with workmates to me - shitting where you eat!

[Hissy]

Could not agree more. Have just worked out why someone who was previously a friend has cooled. Because she's found someone who is also able to look at sending her dc to private school.

I just feel like I'm useless tbh. I have been doubting myself, wondering what's wrong, but it's because they are moving on and up. Providing they get in of course.

[cheesecadet]

I don't bother with the playground either!

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

Mostly with friendships that have cooled off, it is because of moving locations (us or them) or just drifting apart because of changes in circumstances. I am in touch with a group of Uni friends, but we live far away, meet up a few times a year.

I'm generally a 'handful of close friends' type person. But I recently had a newish friend who I became close with, quite quickly. She then dropped me, quite suddenly for no apparent reason - which I found upsetting. I'm not used to being dropped - drifting apart, yes - but just dropped, no. Having read MN for a time, I've come to the conclusion that she was a bit of a Wendy.