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Help me understand this?

(51 Posts)
Eggsandhamontoast Tue 22-Mar-16 13:32:05

I never had a problem with porn, infact I enjoyed watching it. But now I don't understand how I feel, me and dh used to watch porn together, I always knew he watched it a lot before we met as he was alone a while. He used to say he never had watched it since we got together because he didn't need it and I thought nothing of it never questioned it etc as I just wasn't fussed if he did or didn't. Then one day I found lots of porn links on our laptop, male porn, female, both confused I asked him he was rather embarrassed and admitted he watched it very regularly... Then he started watching it when I was sleeping in bed next to him and even went to the toilet hmmm.. When I was pregnant I saw it appear on his phone laptop etc all the time I felt self conscious I suppose. Now 2 years on, he still hides it, he deleted a load of history to hide it so I said to him look you've either been watching porn or it's something more why are you deleting things? I don't get it, it feels like a dirty secret now and it's caused such a wedge. I feel so insecure when I go to work I know he will be home pleasing himself ?! I can't understand how it's come to this, how I feel like this over porn?!

Buzzardbird Tue 22-Mar-16 13:36:03

Probably finds it more exciting when it's his dirty little secret. Would put me right off him personally, but each to their own.

Eggsandhamontoast Tue 22-Mar-16 13:38:53

I feel stupid about being bothered about porn. When I used to watch it myself, I can't bring myself to look at it now. Maybe I just feel he should of been honest like I was? I am a bit put off I don't enjoy sex with him anymore I just pretend sad

Drugsarebad Tue 22-Mar-16 13:49:04

I think it's maybe the sneakiness, rather then the actual porn that is getting to you? And then it has become a big issue from there.

I used to watch soft porn occasionally, and I never thought I would have a problem with boyf's watching it (as long as our sex life was good), but I really don't like it anymore, and I get jealous if boyfriends watch it.

maybe some people grow out of it a bit, and others don't.

Eggsandhamontoast Tue 22-Mar-16 13:52:53

I never used to mind when exs watched it, I just don't get why I'm so bothered by it it must be the sneaking around?!

Drugsarebad Tue 22-Mar-16 13:55:44

I know it's not exactly the same. But I posted on here a while ago about my boyf doing drugs. I had an issue with it, so he started to lie and be really sneaky about it and cover it up.

it then became more about the lies than the actual drugs themselves.

when you start to see a partners sneaky side, it creates paranoia and distrust within the relationship. they could be lying about what they had for tea, it doesn't matter.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 22-Mar-16 13:57:56

Does he not work then?
If you don't even like having sex with him and it sounds like he just annoys you, I'm not sure what the future holds if you stay with this man?

Eggsandhamontoast Tue 22-Mar-16 14:07:08

Yeah he works, he does nightshift so is at home when I'm at work. I enjoy sex I suppose but I feel like I'm not doing it for him and just try and get it over with so I end up not enjoying it? He doesn't really annoy me? It's more I feel like i shouldn't feel like this like I'm in the wrong?

Eggsandhamontoast Tue 22-Mar-16 14:17:09

I think because I used to be a person who never understood why women got upset about porn to now feeling very insecure about it I just don't get it? I feel I shouldn't feel this way and i try really hard not to but I feel a strange sense of betrayal towards it which I don't understand?

Jan45 Tue 22-Mar-16 14:21:03

Sounds like he's got an addiction to it, either that or he simply doesn't give a toss about your feelings so please don't say it's your fault.

Not your fault he is sneaking about acting like a 12 year old and tbh, you have no idea what he is watching or doing.

You don't have to be cool and accept this, in fact if it was the other way around I'm sure he'd have something to say.

I'd be turned off him completely tbh and your feelings are valid OP, you don't have to like it!

If he can't give up his dirty wee habit, do you really want to continue feeling crap?

firesidechat Tue 22-Mar-16 14:23:08

I think because I used to be a person who never understood why women got upset about porn to now feeling very insecure about it I just don't get it? I feel I shouldn't feel this way and i try really hard not to but I feel a strange sense of betrayal towards it which I don't understand?

It sounds like you've finally seen the light. No confusion necessary.

Buzzardbird Tue 22-Mar-16 14:56:05

Think you are totally mis-understanding why women get upset about porn tbh.

Eggsandhamontoast Tue 22-Mar-16 15:17:06

Sorry what do you mean Buzzardbird? I do feel like he's acting like a teenage boy yes, I just find it really strange he feels the need to hide it! hmm

AnyFucker Tue 22-Mar-16 15:21:35

Well, you are allowed to change your mind about porn.

Many people do when they grow up. And he hasn't. Perhaps your distaste reflects that fact.

Drugsarebad Tue 22-Mar-16 15:26:54

your tastes have changed and porn was a phase for you, we all change at some point and the things that did it for us once upon a time, just don't anymore . . .I used to like TOWIE, and now i can't stand it - people change!!

for him it sounds like porn is a more permanent fixture though.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 22-Mar-16 15:27:08

I'm not sure it's the porn as such.
Think is, you used to enjoy it together and get mutual pleasure.
Now he just enjoys it on his own.
It's like he doesn't get what he wants from you so goes off elsewhere to find it.
THAT is your problem right there. You feel more worthless because you aren't enough. You are of course but I think this might be how it is all making you feel.

Eggsandhamontoast Tue 22-Mar-16 15:35:44

Yes I get the people change thing I suppose I have grown up a hell of a lot lately. I suppose I do feel like I don't give him what he wants anymore. The types of porn I saw put me off track a bit too. He won't watch it with me anymore either...

Jan45 Tue 22-Mar-16 15:56:22

OP, instead of trying to work out why you are not enough, I'd be asking the same about him if I was you, his actions are not that of a selfless partner, rather the opposite.

Buzzardbird Tue 22-Mar-16 15:56:26

I mean Eggs, that the reason some women don't like the porn industry is because they have done a lot of research. It's not usually to do with the fact that their partners are viewing it IYSWIM?

Eggsandhamontoast Tue 22-Mar-16 15:59:38

I get that completely Buzzard im not trying to say anything is wrong with other women's opinions I hope I didn't come across like that! You're right Jan I need to stop thinking I am not enough. I feel like I'm the selfish one! It's strange I just don't get why I feel like this

AnyFucker Tue 22-Mar-16 16:49:30

Maybe his "tastes" have veered into areas you can't participate in ?

Eggsandhamontoast Tue 22-Mar-16 16:54:23

Yes, the porn I've saw isn't what we used to watch and isn't anything I would even consider being interested in, I feel like he has a separate sexual life from me is that right?

gatewalker Tue 22-Mar-16 16:58:58

When consumed like this, porn kills intimacy.

It is a slow, but entirely predictable, throttling of openness, vulnerability, availability, until there is nothing left.

Based on that, ask yourself if he's willing to change, and if you're both willing to resurrect your intimacy and your sex life along with it. If there isn't a unanimous "Yes" to this, then you have your answer.

Buzzardbird Tue 22-Mar-16 17:00:21

So, is he not interested in you anymore?

Eggsandhamontoast Tue 22-Mar-16 17:02:44

He won't stop porn, I've asked him before, he just hides it more. I feel like I don't know him sometimes?

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