Feel like I'm losing my DC to ex h.....

[Borlie]

Bit of background -

Ex and I departed 2 years ago. We have 3DC ranging from 5-10. We had a sexless marriage, he had a drink problem and didn't have a good relationship wth with DD ( 8 at the time, not his biological daughter but has been dad since she was 1).

I left him after falling for a friend. My mother suspected an emotional fair was happening and told ex, he hit me, I fled the house and we separated.

He moved in with my mother, who then repeated followed me in her friends car taking pictures of me at the friends house to show ex. She tried to get ex to apply for full custody of DC, knowing full well access to them was going to be hard via me after what she'd done.

Ex then proceeded to sleep with lots of women, introducing DC to 5 in 5 months. He was a mess emotionally and changed his days with DC about 5 times to suit whatever new woman he was seeing. I just wanted him to be happy so that he could be a good parent to DC.

So now -

I live with my partner. for 9 months we've had a great arrangement re the days ex sees DC. He had them 2 days one week, 3 the next. He has now changed it again as settled in a relationship with new partner, so he has them 4 one week, two the next.

He is back living with my mother (we don't speak, DM and I) who provides free childcare, cheap rent and food. She also smokes and lets the DC run riot.

He has now said with DM's help he wants 50/50 access to the kids.
He works full time. I work part time as i was always a SAHM. He is very much 'fun dad'. He lets the DC play on the computer all day and eat sweets, has DM on hand to entertain them and they love going there. I feel like the wicked witch as do the brunt of the school run.

I am not happy with his proposed arrangement, I don't really want DM caring for my DC and I have a strong suspicion ex is only doing this so he pays less maintenance (he already owes me almost £1000 in unpaid maintenance)

I am terrified I'm losing my DC to them.

[Morasssassafras]

Is there a court order thingie in place about contact? If there is stick to that, or what you are currently doing and tell him if he wants it changed he needs to go back to court/mediation.

[Borlie]

No court order. We have always worked it out amicably. I don't know if mediation would be allowed as he hit me (he denies this).

I am not expecting with DP and I think this (as well as him having just purchased a house and wanting to save money on maintenance) is what's brought his new proposal on.

[ladylambkin]

I'm sorry for your situation ... it's the children I feel sorry for there are faults on both sides. Please don't let your feelings about your mother cloud your judgement. Hope you and your ex can resolve issues for the sake of your children.

[neonrainbow]

What do the kids want? Did you report the assault to the police?

[neonrainbow]

Also if he has the kids 50% of the time you don't need maintenance and it sounds like you want to block this because of the money.

[Borlie]

Yes the assault was reported and he was arrested but denied it had happened. I was on the phone to a friend at the time who I'd called in a panic and they heard everything but although they gave a statement it couldn't be used as evidence as they were a friend, or something along those lines. So yes, basically he didn't get in any trouble for it and told everyone I was lying.

I think the kids would like to spend all their time with him if they could as they are allowed to pretty much do what they want, eat what they want and behave how they want. Latest is DS 5 spitting when angry, ex thinks it's funny and won't stop him from doing it.

[Borlie]

Maybe I should have posted in step-families?

[abbsismyhero]

maybe you should but its unlikely you will lose your kids even if it does go to court a house where there a rules and boundaries vrs a house of anarchy and you cant tell me nanny isn't putting the boot in about you while the kids are there doesnt make it a good atmosphere for children

plus he works full time i cant see the logic in demanding 50/50 access if you can talk to him and explain you dont mind him having his children you do mind your mom and you would rather a good relationship with him then drag the kids through court where they might tell him due to his work he has to have them a more traditional set up he doesn't even have a STABLE home environment

is he on glue?

[abbsismyhero]

fwiw my ex does this at his house my 7 year old told ss he wanted to live with me his dad could go to hell he does see his dad and enjoys it but he knows where his HOME is

[theredjellybean]

from what i can see he has them 6 days out of 14 so practically 50/50 already.

[Borlie]

He did have them 3 days one week, two the next but asked whether he could have another day... This was about a month before I realised he'd been massively underpaying me. call me cynical but i think that's why he wanted the extra night (my mother collects them from school, feeds them and looks after them until 6 on this day anyway...)

I have written him a long email explaining why I am incredibly unhappy with his proposal but have heard nothing back.

I wonder whether it is better to go to court?

My mother is very legal savvy, knows how to sweet talk authorities (she was an early years teacher for 40 years). Ex won salesman of the year for the large national company he works for, he has the gift of the gab. I'm scared to go to court and I'm scared of their long term plans.

[theredjellybean]

Borlie ..is the issue you don't want him to have another nights custody which is what pure 50/50 would look like or is it you do not like your mother's influence and how the children are cared for when they are with ex ?

Sadly , you could go to court and a judge would give ex 50/50...if ex can show he has child care etc etc.

Whether he lets them eat sweets and play on computer is not going to stop a judge giving 50/50.

differing parenting styles , as long as not abusive etc are not taken into account in family courts.

Why do you feel you are going to lose children ?

You ex wants 50/50 not sole custody and you might not like his parenting style he is entitled to want same access to kids as you.

A really really difficult situation for everyone

[Borlie]

It's both Jellybean. I have always been primary carer and have forgone a career and arranged my life so that I'm in a position to do this. I do realise this is the choice we made when we were married and things have now changed.

It feels that he wants the extra time on paper, even though practically he won't be spending the extra time with them, my mother will.

[Borlie]

The fact he has massively underpaid me maintenance which he is refusing to pay and the way he has behaved around his time with DC in the past makes me think he doesn't have the DC's best interests at heart. I feel their best interests are to be with their mother rather than manipulative, devious, heavy drinking chain smoking Grandmother.

[theredjellybean]

a word of caution...a dear friend split from her DH and she had been sahm for 14 yrs, her exdh had worked 14-16 hr days and did nothing with kids and was knackered at weekends ( ok friend liked the lifestyle ex provided by working so hard !) when she left him, he asked for 40/60 custody...she said no , she had been sahm, she had been with kids all the time, he couldnt get home to be with them etc etc...spent 40K in court fees...judge gave 50/50 custody.

Her ex has in fairness risen admirably to the challenge and now has a fantastic relationship with the children....my friend still seethes and writhes with 'the unfairness of it all' ...3 yrs later she is still resentful and angry.

[Borlie]

He buys their affection with iPads, sweets, chocolate, no discipline and late nights. He has free childcare on hand.

[theredjellybean]

if he is caring for children at your mother's house, i wonder if you might have more sway going for the health concerns angle.....manipulative and devious you might struggle to prove...chain smoking and drinking ...have you evidence that could be used

have you seen a lawyer ?

[theredjellybean]

borlie ..i understand but that would not stand up in court.

[Borlie]

My solicitor is going to call me tomorrow. I imagine he'd just get her to care for them at his house (1 bedroom!)

[theredjellybean]

ahhh well you might have more evidence/reasons that would stand up in court.
good luck !

[theredjellybean]

ummm.....he is living with your mother in a 1 bedroom house ?

[theredjellybean]

oh sorry just seen he has the 1 bedroom place...but you had said he was back living with her

[blindsider]

Your mother sounds a bit odd to say the least - Has he been shagging her as well??

[Borlie]

Sorry, he's been living with her, he's just completed on a house (1 bed flat in a house) which needs some work so is going to continue living with her while its carried out.

She has a 3 bed house, so DD has a room, mother has a room and ex shares with youngest two..... Not ideal.

[theredjellybean]

ahh..understand now.

if he has no formal legal parental responsibilty for your dd , she obviously would not be part of a custody arrangement

i don't know but do courts take into account bedroom space etc and especially for different sexes ?

one to ask oyur lawyer i guess