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Does anyone feel as though they have never quite met 'the one'?

(42 Posts)
whostolethesocks Mon 07-Mar-16 19:35:01

Not sure why I'm posting but I often wonder whether I have settled for people and had relationships with people who I have got on well with, even had strong feelings for and loved but never quite been sure whether they are 'the one'. Does that make sense? I've had several serious relationships and a broken marriage and a current partner but always wondered whether I should be expecting more.

pocketsaviour Mon 07-Mar-16 19:39:24

"The One" is a lie.

Whirlydervish Mon 07-Mar-16 19:45:24

Yes, me. I wonder if there's more pressure after a marriage because you really don't want to make a bad choice. That's personally speaking anyway.

whostolethesocks Mon 07-Mar-16 19:55:01

Interesting reading Pocketsaviour. I sometimes look at other couples and think they are so well suited, or they say they are with their best friend. I wonder whether I've just made bad choices, never been lucky enough to meet 'the one' or just expect too much.

LoopiusMaximus Mon 07-Mar-16 19:59:53

I think obsess about this a lot. Im interested to see what others think.

I think that either there is no such thing as 'the one' and instead there are plenty of people in life that we can get on with, who we love, have chemistry with and can have successful relationships with.

OR

The one does exist and I just haven't met him yet!

AND

I sometimes get a nagging feeling that an ex was the one but now it's too late to do anything about it.

I've had several LTR's. I've been with my current partner for 7 years, we have our own home and have 2 very young dc. I worry and fret on an almost daily basis that I've settled for someone who is not the one for me. I actually panic at times that I'm now stuck and am never going to find that person who was meant for me. I then stop and tell myself maybe he is the one and that I just don't realise. I also wonder that if we parted, would it suddenly dawn in me that he's the man for me..........I very much doubt it!

whostolethesocks Mon 07-Mar-16 20:06:27

Loopius - those are my thoughts exactly! The one person that I had a relationship who I felt totally different about and really felt madly in love with was actually totally wrong in lots of ways so I finished things after two years. I was married for fifteen years but it wasn't ideal and we split after his affair.

Trills Mon 07-Mar-16 20:12:02

What makes you think there is any such thing?

brabit Mon 07-Mar-16 20:15:03

I think finding someone who you have red hot passion for, a joint commitment to growing together and a great friendship / sense of sharing all combined together is rare.

Meeting that right person, at th right time in both your lives for you to offer the commitment and appreciation of the value of it without outside forces influencing is very low actually.

So I think, yes, thre is a a thing as "the one", as in, the one person who ignites all of that in you at the same time -but I think there could be an infinite number of those perfect people floating around or there could be none.

Finding "one" of them at the right time, is not something that happens to everyone in this life -so I always consider that lucky enough to warrant all the fandango.

People who say we choose "the one" through commitment to a life with them aren't being real. I committed to a man once, who I loved very deeply, and felt very much love for. We made a life and home together but in the end I was missing that je ne sais quoi that you can't create, choose or control in any way.

That magic something is something I have felt twice in my life.

Once when very young, when we were too young to make a proper life of it and again when I was older and he wasn't ready to commit because he was younger than me.

I may or may not find that again with someone, or I might need to settle for someone I feel another kind of love for.

Life isn't easy, but yes sometimes when all the stars and planets collide at the right place and time for the fireworks to happen with someone when you are both on the same page...then that...that is "the one".

Not to say the only one ever....but even having one like that is a pretty wonderful little miracle.

Trills Mon 07-Mar-16 20:16:52

Nothing wrong with having high standards, but "the one" is bollocks.

I think it's a very damaging idea actually, one that can lead women to stay with abusive men because I love him rather than looking at things objectively and decide whether this person actually makes their life better or worse.

(and men to stay with abusive women too if they buy into it, but men are less conditioned to value their lives by whether they have met "the one")

whostolethesocks Mon 07-Mar-16 20:21:50

Well put Brabit.

LoopiusMaximus Mon 07-Mar-16 20:40:48

whostole The person in question for me was also 'wrong' in so many ways. For starters we were both in relationships. He ended his for me and just as I was about to do the same, I found out I was pregnant with my partners child. He still wanted me and begged me to leave my partner. I stayed with partner. I know it was the wrong decision. I've never felt that way about anyone before. I've never loved anyone the way I loved him and I never will. I didn't know it was possible.

roundmyway Mon 07-Mar-16 20:42:21

I sometimes truly believe my daughter's Dad is the one,
I've never felt the way I do about him about anyone else, never even close.
We are a train wreck though,
Roller coaster.
If he is... I've clearly been a right horrible prick in past lives!!!!!

andadietcoke Mon 07-Mar-16 20:46:20

Interesting. I've done some truly destructive things in pursuit of 'the one'.

LoveBoursin Mon 07-Mar-16 20:58:35

My MIL made me a similar comment a few years ago, saying that her only regret in life is that she didn't meet her soulmate.
I think she meant the person she settled with, DH father, is a nice guy bit she didn't feel a deep deep love for him. A sort of 'It's sort of OK' relationship, we made it work but you know... it could have been better.

Better is a very dangerous word. It calls for compairing what you have with others, usually comparing with what they project to the outside, the nice bits.

I prefer to look at my relationhsip and see how we have challenged each other and made each other grow so that we became better people.
I prefer to look at how DH is accepting me with all my defects, incl the ones that he finds annoying but he is still accepting me nevertherless.
I prefer to look at DH and see his defects and also realise that whatever they are, they are either not that important to me or just what I need to grow.
I prefer to be with a real person, with qualities and defects, rather than an idealised version of 'someone'. Becuase if they are that 'perfect person' (for me), that means I'm also supposed to be that pperfect person for them. Can I actually keep up with that challenge? It's a very big ask no?

NewYearSameMe Mon 07-Mar-16 21:00:13

Talking about 'the one' always makes me think of that Tim Minchin song, If I Didn't Have You. grin

I don't think there is 'one', I think there are a set of characteristics that are desirable and attractive, other characteristics that are unattractive and would be deal-breakers. Beyond that it's just down to time, place and life stage. I'm sure I've met lots of men who would have been good life partners but it never moved beyond acquaintance because one of us wasn't single, one of us was busy, one of us wasn't looking for a partner or one of us was in a bad mood and created a bad first impression.

LoveBoursin Mon 07-Mar-16 21:02:29

But you see brabit if you met 'the one' and it didn't work (regardless of the reason) then it can't have been 'the one'?

For me, this definition of 'the One' is also the one person you will be spending the rest of your life with.

It also raise another question. Going by your definition of 'The One', what happens as you grow older and change?

LoopiusMaximus Mon 07-Mar-16 21:07:42

boursin your mil sounds very similar to me.
I'd love to have the same view as you though. Very logical & wise.

brabit Mon 07-Mar-16 21:09:55

I just said that though smile I said they are the one if it all works

brabit Mon 07-Mar-16 21:18:19

Or at least meant that.

Maybe let me put it better.

Total passion phsyically, mentally, emotionally + friendship, intimacy, commitment, timing = the one

could be more than one "one".

could never be any "ones".

but that's the definition in my mind of the love of your life.....someone who comes along with all of that there AND you work together (commit and continue to commit) every day for a shared life together.

LovePGtipsMonkey Mon 07-Mar-16 23:02:22

I don't think 'the one' necessarily has to a big passion ohysically. Surely for some women, who aer not that passionate by nature sexually and who value friendship and soul connection above all, the One is not a red hot lover at all but a kindred soul. Whereas for the passionate'highly sexed women, maybe the One is mainly that amazing chemistry even with incompatibilities (obv is the person is decent, non abusive) andtey wouldn't change him for anything else.
So the One is not perfection of all aspects, it's a few that are crucial to you, but definitely with imperections that you could accept - equally being perfect for a man and trying hard to please, means the man is actually not the One, for me and any other non-perfectionists it'd be a nightmare.

LovePGtipsMonkey Mon 07-Mar-16 23:06:29

But I agree that some people never find the One (ideal for them) as in so many potential cases one party isn't single or it long-distance or something.
And even though there are a few 'ones' as you say, all these few that you actually meet in RL or bump into can turn out to be non-single etc.

I hate to think we all have some sort of fate (or even karma) in this, but surely some people are just unlucky and their potential few soulmates are unavailable.

Lovetruelove Mon 07-Mar-16 23:28:13

I have had 3 - ones dead the other 2 are very married.

Elledouble Mon 07-Mar-16 23:32:38

I don't think I believe in "the one". I do wish I had met someone I could fall healthily and passionately in love with. I do wonder if the problem is actually me.

TheNaze73 Mon 07-Mar-16 23:47:04

I think the "one" per se, is a fallacy. I think you can have the one at varying stages of your life.

pigeonpoo Tue 08-Mar-16 00:11:39

I didn't use to believe in the one, I thought there were many possible the ones

And even when I met XDH I didn't think he was the one till possibly a few months after marrying him

But now we've ballsed it up royally - I actually do feel like I know he was the one. There's only one the one.

Maybe it's different for everyone

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