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found husband is gambling again!

(48 Posts)
confusedlilly Fri 04-Mar-16 17:56:54

I need advice on what to do.. I'm over emotional as 37 weeks pregnant with dc2.

Background: husband had a major gambling issue before we were together. He opened upto me when we had been together for 6 months as he was in a considerable amount of debt. I helped him sort it out and sorted him out a debt management plan. This was 5 & half years ago. Since then we have married and now about to have our 2nd child. Since we moved in together I have always been in charge of all our bills and he transferred me the contribution from his wages.
He also set up his own business 4 years ago which is going very well.

I have always struggling with the fact he might be gambling still but haven't had any proof. Until now...

I am his business accountant, I logged onto the our shared computer system and went to save something in his computer folder, and saw a unnamed document. I opened it and it's his personal bank statement which I have never had access to or seen. I have seen how much he has uploaded onto a gambling site (bet fair) in one month. It was a lot of money. All our bills are still paid as I do those and we have a lot of money in savings as we are applying for a mortgage atm. I'm not conceded about debt I'm heartbroken over the lies he is telling me when he says he isn't gambling.

To try and appear ok with him and show I trust him he went to a casino with his friend and played poker. Now I have no idea whether he was or not.

Technically I snooped so how do I say anything? Help

AnyFucker Fri 04-Mar-16 18:00:22

The end justifies the means (snooping). It's just as well you opened that folder, isn't it?

What you do is you get this out in the open. Don't try to spare his feelings. He has an addiction and it sounds like he better acknowledge that and get help pretty damn quick.

But what were you thinking being "ok" about him visiting a casino ? shock

Marchate Fri 04-Mar-16 18:02:17

That is so sad. Gambling ruins lives yet it can be quite a secretive activity

If you were to ask him straight whether he's gambling again, would he say No?

confusedlilly Fri 04-Mar-16 18:04:18

I have asked him previously and tbf not that long ago and it's always a no. And then I feel guilty for asking.

I just don't know how to approach it

RandomMess Fri 04-Mar-16 18:08:48

Have you not wondered where the money is going if his business is so successful - ie his personal expenditure?

confusedlilly Fri 04-Mar-16 18:15:13

It's personnel expenditure. He gets dividends and keeps some and transfers the rest to me. Which I then put into our savings account, I'm just hurt that we are saving money for a house and the lies.

We agreed out of wages that we get £200 to spend as we wish, remaining of wages goes into savings.

It's not the money, it's the fact he is gambling, wasted all this money and I am living on £200

confusedlilly Fri 04-Mar-16 18:15:42

I mean £200 each out of wages

Chippednailvarnish Fri 04-Mar-16 18:19:00

He won't change without professional help.

Sorry.

confusedlilly Fri 04-Mar-16 18:24:38

But how do I tell him I have found out?

As we aren't being put into any kind of debt etc and we are financially ok I am willing to stand by him etc and help him.

I'm just so scared it will all kick off etc

goddessofsmallthings Fri 04-Mar-16 18:30:49

Putting a gambler in a casino is the equivalent of putting an alcoholic in a distillery and will inevitably result in collateral damage of one kind or another.

Making a discovery in the circumstances you've described is not tantamount to snooping and I'm amazed that this is the first time you've seen his personal bank statement which no doubt shows that, had he not been feeding the bookies, you could have begun buying a house some considerable time ago.

Once an addict, always an addict, and it's up to you whether you make a dealbreaker out of him seeking help via the two links below:
www.gambleaware.co.uk/
www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/

Katenka Fri 04-Mar-16 18:30:56

To be fair it doesn't sound like you were snooping.

You opened a file on a computer or systems you were supposed to be on.

Me and dh run a business together. We have one computer that we use for all business related things. Then our own. I wouldn't think twice about opening anything on the computer for business

Joysmum Fri 04-Mar-16 18:31:32

Tell him you've noticed a difference in him and are concerned he might be feeling under pressure with the baby imminent and revert back to his old ways. Suggest he gets extra help arm and ask if there anything he wishes to tell you.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Fri 04-Mar-16 18:33:33

He should be scared of you kicking off!!
Why can't you tell him you looked? You had a concern and you were proved right.
You don't trust him because he has proved himself to be untrustworthy.

My h is an addict goes to GA once a week and I run finances. He has his own account but all of our accounts are linked and I can see all activity and vice versa. He only uses his card and doesn't cash cash.
He volunteered all this by the way. He feels 'safer' this way.
It wasn't the gambling so much as the lies he told everyone.
Your h needs to have total transparency with all finances with you and go to GA. no question. He has to want to though otherwise you're banging your head against a brick wall.

We also view our credit reports and I know there is nothing onerous on my h's now. He has rebuilt his rating

Joysmum Fri 04-Mar-16 18:34:15

Oh and I couldn't give a hoot on anyone else's opinion on snooping. You'll get told you were wrong by some, right because you found something by others, always right even if you didn't find anything by others (that's my camp!).

I hope your thread gets you some great advice on getting him to open up so you can decide what to do, rather than just turning into the usual snooping debate flowers

goddessofsmallthings Fri 04-Mar-16 18:36:42

What is he gambling on? Is it anything and everything, or is it confined to horse racing?

confusedlilly Fri 04-Mar-16 18:45:00

I'm not sure what he is gambling on, it's on betfair?

He used to gamble on roulette etc online.

I want to support him, I just can't bare the lies. I have suspected for a while something isn't right with him.

It's all at the wrong time with me being heavily pregnant

confusedlilly Fri 04-Mar-16 18:46:11

I am out at a family meal atm. I keep missing bits but I will look when I am home.

I really appreciate any advice I am getting

Beachlovingirl Fri 04-Mar-16 18:56:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Danglyweed Fri 04-Mar-16 18:57:32

Ultimatum time!

My husband is a gambling addict, apparantly hasn't bet in 9 months. I think probably once a week at least I wonder if he is, I randomly check the searches on his google account for all betting sites. He has no bank account now and no credit companies would touch him with a barge pole but still...

This is my husbands final chance! He can fuck himself over all he wants, but hes not doing it to our kids. I found that posting a cropped version of the offending bank/credit card statements on facebook (without forewarning him I knew) to be the biggest embarrassment to him.

Good luck!!!

mysticpizza Fri 04-Mar-16 19:05:14

He doesn't want to give up. If he did he would be doing everything he can to prevent his access to gambling, first step being telling you.

Don't pussyfoot around. Unchecked a gambler can and does drag everyone around down with them because it's a progressive thing. He's paying the bills now but there's nothing to say that will always be the case. Confront him with the evidence and see what his reaction is. Don't trust him without seeing proof of everything he claims.

Dh is a recovering gambler. I control everything financial and I have access to his credit report. Transparency is essential.

At the end of the day though the decision to stop will be his. There won't be anything you can do or say to make him stop until he decides he wants to.If he won't stop your decisions lie with whether or not you stay.

mysticpizza Fri 04-Mar-16 19:11:40

Another thought - make sure he can't access the bank accounts, savings or children's accounts. It's all about protecting yourself and the dc at this stage.

PattyPenguin Fri 04-Mar-16 19:58:00

If you do apply for a mortgage, OP, this will all come out anyway. The strict, relatively new rules on affordability mean that lenders go through applicants' expenditure with a fine-toothed comb. They'll want 3 months of bank statements, to begin with. I would imagine payments to betting sites will have them really worried.

mysticpizza Fri 04-Mar-16 20:30:10

And yet another thought - make sure you check the credit reports from all three agencies as they can hold different information depending which lenders report to them. Make sure you have ongoing access to them. I have alerts set up so I'm emailed if anything changes although dh's score is so trashed I'd be amazed if he could even get a mobile contract these days Check your own as well to make sure he hasn't taken anything out in your name.

Do you know how he's accessing these sites? If it's via PC/laptop you can install a blocker and set the password for it. I would (and have) also password protect them for initial startup too. If it's via a phone he either needs to block it or if he can't (some are trickier than others) he will have to make do with a basic, non internet model. As he's self employed that shouldn't be an issue.

confusedlilly Fri 04-Mar-16 21:06:16

Right I'm home now I can concentrate properly.

To answer a few questions. He didn't hVe his own bank account until about a year ago, I have never had access to it. I know he can't access any kind of loan etc as his credit is shot to pieces. The only way we are able to get a mortgage is a special one they know of his debt etc, we have to put a 20% minimum deposit down & we have a high rate. ( I have all the deposit money in my savings accounts which he can't access. On that point he can't access the dc's bank accounts either.

I can also access his credit report as I set it all up for him when we starting sorting out his debt all those years ago.

I presume he is doing it on his mobile phone which I don't know the password too, it's a iPhone 6 which is a finger print thing. As the laptop at home I have full access to as I use it for work, he also has an iPad but it isn't linked to his phone. Never has been as our dd uses it.

I'm just worried as he tends to go on the defensive, and can get angry. Not worried as in violent at all btw. I'm just very emotional atm and worried it will all come wrong.

I don't know whether to leave saying anything until Monday when dd is in school &I he has gone to work and send him a picture of the bank statement ( I took screen shots I case he deleted it in the mean time) and just say I'm calm, I'm giving you the chance to tell me the whole truth etc and see what he says.

confusedlilly Fri 04-Mar-16 21:11:03

A point someone made earlier about saying I could tell him by saying I have noticed a difference in him, he regularly has mood swings where is he on a 'high' or a 'low' I have voiced my concerns over this before, but just get told it work worries. He is in a very stressful profession so I just went with it

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