I'm 19 and 29 weeks pregnant. The father is 21. We where "seeing each other" for a while back in the summer. It was never serious but at the time we did have feelings for each other and was more than just sex, eventually we argued over something silly and we just gradually stopped talking.
I found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks and told him straight away. We genuinely did use contraception but it ripped after he had finished and neither of us had any clue about the morning after pill. I told him I was pregnant and he was very upset, he didn't want to think about the option of keeping it and he asked me to get an abortion and told me he will always be there for me if I get one and whatever I need him to do he will do. He was lovely about it and understanding or how horrible it was but assuring that it was for the best. When I did talk about keeping it he would get scared, panicky and say he wasn't ready for a baby, couldn't have one etc. I told him that if I did keep it he wouldn't have to be involved and he told me that even if he wasn't involved it didn't make it any easier because the child was a part of him. He said he would have to cut us both off but his life and mindset would change and he didn't want that.
I felt bad because he seemed so lovely and I felt like I had made him scared and upset. I told him I had an abortion at 9 weeks. I explained it in detail (lied) and he was there for me.
I lied. I did go for a consultation but I just couldn't do it. I was convinced that I could do this all alone. It wasn't until yesterday I started thinking what will I tell my daughter when she asks about her dad when she's older, how he would feel if he found out 5-10 years down the line, how my daughter would hate me if she ever found out I kept it from him.
I told him on the phone that I lied about the abortion. He just hung up on me. I text him and he didn't reply he told me to leave him alone. He text me today saying that he can not believe I would lie in detail about something so serious then take advantage of him being there for me when I never even had one. He said that he didn't want this baby and that he is going to cut me out of his life and how it will be hard now he knows he has a child but he says its for the best for him. He asked me not to tell anyone and that it's the least I can do considering the lies. He said if I told anyone he's the dad and his family found out then they would be appalled at the fact he doesn't want to be involved.
I don't know what to do :( I can't do this on my own I don't want my daughter to have no father I know how it feels. I want to atleast be able to tell her I tried to get him to have a relationship with you. Possibly if she can't have a dad atleast she can have grand parents. I am just so worried and hurt. I tried to send him a scan picture but he said he couldn't look at it.
The only way I can contact his mum is through social media. I don't know if I should tell her or if I should just leave it. I really don't know.
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Do I tell his mum I'm pregnant or leave this?
Keljensen833 · 02/03/2016 19:23
You shouldn't have lied. Nor should he have put that kind of pressure on you whilst you were so vulnerable! Disgraceful man.
Yes, you should tell his family. If he doesn't want to be involved then that is his perogative. He doesn't get to decide the same for the rest of his family who may want and actively seek a relationship with your child. How cruel of him to deny a child their extended family just because he doesn't want to deal with their judgement of his shitty behaviour.
Oh dear OP, I'm sorry you're going through this.
I agree that you should let his DM know for the reasons PP have stated. Have you thought about whether you'll apply for child maintenance from the father? Kids are so expensive.
What do you think his parents' reactions would be if they bumped into you & your new baby walking down the street one day? Would they stop & talk, ask about the baby, wonder about it? Would they want to know it was their grandchild? Thinking this through might guide your decision; they do sound like decent people.
You may also want to inform the father that you're contacting the csa; your child is clearly entitled to financial support so get that underway - what will his reaction be to that dose of reality?
You are right to look at life from your dc's perspective now - I think they are going to have a great mother, you've already made the best possible decision for them.
Thinking of you
We genuinely did use contraception but it ripped after he had finished and neither of us had any clue about the morning after pill.
Just 
and this!!
If you're old enough to have sex, you're old enough to take responsibility for the potential consequences!
You can't make him face his responsibilities since you've forced him into having a child, equally he shouldn't have tried to pressure you into an abortion. Seek support from your friends/family and when the baby arrived talk to him about his legal responsibilities to his child.
As I understand it, your relationship with this young man had ended before you discovered you were pregnant. On hearing the news, he asked you to terminate the pregnancy and you assured him that if you continued it he wouldn't have to be involved.
You then led him to be believe that you had terminated the pregnancy to the extent that you enacted the part of woman who had recently had an abortion and gave him graphic detail of what it entailed, during which time he was "there" for you after which, presumably, you went your separate ways with you being "convinced" that you could do it alone.
Some 19/20? weeks later you have decided that you "can't do this" on your own which led you to text him on Tuesday of this week with the news that he will be a father in a couple of months' time and, having found his mother on FB, you are now canvassing opinion as to whether you should tell her even though he has specifically asked you not to tell anyone at the present time.
I imagine this young man is reeling from shock at the enormity of your lie, and the very least you can do is allow him time to come to terms with the fact that the termination he nursed/comforted you through didn't occur.
It may be that he will tell his parents himself, but in any event it is not your place to do so and I can't imagine that many dm, or df for that matter, would look kindly on a woman who has put their ds through the equivalent of an emotional wringer and, having not got what she wants from him, approaches his parents.
When your dc is born, and not before, you can claim child maintenance through the CSA. It may be that he will step up to the plate and institute contact with his dc-to-be but, if not, they will be free to seek him and other paternal family members out when they come of age.
Fwiw, back in the not too distant days when 'having' to get married due to pregnancy was as expected as it was commonplate, a friend of my dgm told her ds who found himself at the wrong end of an irate father's shotgun in a similar position that he didn't have to do any such thing if he didn't want to. At the time this was unheard of groundbreaking and caused the ds to leave town for a few years.
The ds voluntarily paid maintenance for his dc regularly and his dm scrupulously sent the exact value of gifts to the dc every birthday and Christmas that she gave to her other and subsequent dgc. The dc in question was made aware of his df's name at an early age and sought him out when he was 16. Father and son have an excellent relationship and it's remarkable how much the dc resembles his df in temperament as well as physical looks.
As with giving birth, certain matters can't be hurried and you are best advised to wait for time to bring resolution, or solutions that haven't yet come to mind, as trying to force it at this early stage may result in unwelcome repercussions.
Also fwiw I suspect that this young man will shortly seek you out, not least to verify that the texts you so recently sent him are not more lies on your part.
Dc don't need grandparents; having loving and caring dgps is a blessing but having dgps who aren't particularly enamoured with the dc or its dm can be a curse.
Relax, OP. Enjly the run up to giving birth and know that what will be, will be.
By way of clarification, abortion does not have to be a surgical procedure and, if the MAP has not been obtained or fails to work, it is a default option for failed contraception which, in some cases, is essential for the emotional and/or physical wellbeing of the women concerned, Ledkr. I rejoice that it's legal, otherwise we'd be back in the days of medically unqualified backstreet abortionists with high risk of permanent infertility and worse.
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