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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

what is in between?

27 replies

Lindsaysaysno · 13/02/2016 23:12

If you have two people who are together

And it is definitely not just sex

And definitely not boyfriend and girlfriend

What is it?

what's in between?

OP posts:

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ImperialBlether · 13/02/2016 23:16

Friends with benefits?

Lindsaysaysno · 13/02/2016 23:26

No, not that really.

More like if you say have sex but it's not just sex, it's sharing emotions and affection and doing romantic things and having feelings for each other. So a lot more passionate than friends with benefits. But you're not a couple.

Is that a fling?

an affair?

OP posts:

ExplodingCarrots · 13/02/2016 23:27

Dating?

'Seeing each other' ?

Or what imperial said.

Lindsaysaysno · 13/02/2016 23:29

And when you're "dating" or "seeing each other" does that generally mean there is a view to a relationship in the future?

Sorry I am asking these questions but I am with someone who categorically says we are not a couple but we are also far more than just sex and I was wondering if he was just talking bull shit because he doesn't want to be my boyfriend.

OP posts:

TwatMagnet · 13/02/2016 23:31

He doesn't sound very nice to me. Are you happy with him?

ExplodingCarrots · 13/02/2016 23:32

IME yes , I would think there was potential for a relationship. Dating or seeing each other are starting bases to becoming a couple.

But I'm sorry to say op but I don't think this man is on the same page as you. I think he sees you in a friends with benefits way if he has said no to being official.

Destinysdaughter · 13/02/2016 23:34

Is he seeing other women? Think he wants to keep his options open tbh.

ImperialBlether · 13/02/2016 23:35

Look, if he says he doesn't want to be your boyfriend, then listen to him.

You like him, so he's a friend.

You sleep with him.

Regardless of what you want, he doesn't want a relationship.

So, you are friends, with benefits.

Now some friends with benefits aren't really friends. They know each other, have a bit of a laugh and call each other up if they're in the mood. They are not friends.

This man is telling you loud and clear he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. If you want a boyfriend, you need to find another one.

Lindsaysaysno · 13/02/2016 23:36

Hmmm! I thought so

I just wondered if anything really existed in between as a permanent state of affairs.

OP posts:

ExplodingCarrots · 13/02/2016 23:41

Don't waste your time on someone like this . Get rid and find someone who genuinely wants to be with you

AJ279 · 13/02/2016 23:42

Sounds a bit like an 'open relationship' he doesn't want a relationship but wants a reliable hook up. He sounds like a bit of an idiot if he knows what your feelings are.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/02/2016 23:48

He wants you to want him - so he can keep you hooked - try being unavailable -

He wants sex - that's all - he's keeping you sweet and his options open - or he's married -

Canyouforgiveher · 13/02/2016 23:56

Sorry I am asking these questions but I am with someone who categorically says we are not a couple but we are also far more than just sex

Well the first thing I would ask is whether it is far more than just sex for him. Or is this just your view of the relationship.

the second thing is that he doesn't want to commit which is why despite you having lovely times together and great sex he says you are not a couple.

If you are happy with that fine, but in my experience at the earlier stages, either you are all in or lukewarm. So you are falling for a person, enchanted, want to be with them. Or they are fine for the moment, sex is great, you like them but don't think this is the one. sometimes that second scenario can morph into a decent long term relationship. but often not.

HeddaGarbled · 14/02/2016 00:12

This is what it is:

For him - no strings sex

For you - something which is preventing you from finding someone who respects you and wants to be in a relationship with you

LuluJakey1 · 14/02/2016 00:20

What is in between for him is called having his cake and eating it.

differentnameforthis · 14/02/2016 00:37

He sounds like he is keeping his options open.

Oysterbabe · 14/02/2016 07:11

In a nutshell he wants to sleep with other people.

JemimapuddleducK02 · 14/02/2016 07:29

He having his cake and eating it!

DrMorbius · 14/02/2016 07:57

When you meet do you always have sex?

TokenGinger · 14/02/2016 09:24

Sounds exactly like my ex. He would hold me, kiss me, tell me I meant the world to him, I was so special... But, wtf, "No, we're not in primary school, we don't need this boyfriend and girlfriend shit, that's so unattractive!"

He let us book holidays, spend nice occasions together, spent almost every day together, but he was adamant we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend.

I wished I had listened to him at the start. He didn't want a relationship. But I fell in love. He eventually did too. But he definitely didn't want a relationship. So when it became clear that's what we were, he ended it, said he didn't want a relationship, and it hurt.

As I said, I wish I'd listened when he warned me from the start so I could have been on my merry way.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/02/2016 09:34

"I am with someone who categorically says we are not a couple"
Listen to him. You are not a couple, because that is HIS choice. Ignore the 'but' that came after, that's just 'softening the blow'.

"More like if you say have sex but it's not just sex, it's sharing emotions and affection and doing romantic things and having feelings for each other. So a lot more passionate than friends with benefits. But you're not a couple."
For you it might be sharing emotions and affection. I think it's substantially more compartmentalised for him.

Sorry OP, but you're being played . And for as long as you are being used by with him, you will not find someone who will treat you right. Best to categorically end this non-coupledom. It's getting in the way of your future.

Betrayedbutsurvived · 14/02/2016 10:12

I was seeing someone for nearly a year who was exactly like this, we weren't in a relationship according to him, it was an"involvement" and would never be anything more. Eventually I took him at his word and stopped going over. Didn't bother finishing with him, cos there was nothing to finish according to him. Within a month he was on the phone, crying, begging, and declaring undying love.

However, in that month, I met the man who was to become my husband, involvement man was horrified that I'd"throw away what we had for someone I'd known five minutes"

He was a cock, and so is yours.

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BertieBotts · 14/02/2016 10:39

Yes it's called him keeping you hanging.

I have been there. Was really hard to break it off and I didn't get over him for years and years but I am now and it will never make you happy to be in this kind of half relationship when you want more.

RedRainRocks · 14/02/2016 10:46

I would say it very much depends on what you want - not him, you. I get quite grumpy about the constant need to label things that is prevalent at the moment. Little girls who want to wear slacks and cut their hair, men who aren't gay but have sexual encounters with other men, and relationships that don't fall within the common framework of societies expectations around dating.

It is, what it is... If you are enjoying it and it brings more joy to your life than worry - forget about what it's called/what box it should go in and enjoy it for what it is...

If on the other hand, you want to date with a view to a long term relationship, then I think you perhaps may want to reconsider. He's told you where he is, it's up to you to decide if that's what you want.

Lindsaysaysno · 14/02/2016 12:24

It brings more worry than joy. This was just a question about the terminoligy he uss to justify why he is only ever almost with me but not quite.

So I am the proud owner of a valenties day breakup!

From a relationship I was apparently never in anyway.

Although, funnily enough, as soon as I said it was over - he turned the tables and said it was already a relationship.

Magic that

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