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What did you say to make your partner admit they had been emotionally abusive?

(31 Posts)
spad Mon 25-Jan-16 14:09:10

When they admitted it were they able to stop doing it?

IamlovedbyG Mon 25-Jan-16 14:10:40

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IamlovedbyG Mon 25-Jan-16 14:11:08

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CwtchMeQuick Mon 25-Jan-16 14:16:03

I told my ex every time he'd hurt me I'd stopped loving him until I just didn't care anymore. He was heartbroken, saw the error of his ways, couldn't believe what he'd done to me etc.
Then he threw me across the kitchen and tried to break my wrist hmm
Abusive men don't just stop

donajimena Mon 25-Jan-16 14:19:26

spad you are clutching at straws. Its not going to happen. You need to leave. I realise this is so much easier said than done but they do not change and it is NEVER their fault.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster Mon 25-Jan-16 14:19:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hillfarmer Mon 25-Jan-16 14:21:57

They don't admit it. That's it.

And if you don't admit it, then there is nothing to stop is there? This is how it works.

To explain: it is a misapprehension to think that a bully would 'never knowingly' hurt someone. It's not like they don't realise they are doing it, and when their behaviour is quietly pointed out to them they have a sudden revelation and think 'OMG how can I have been so blind? How will she ever forgive me? I never knew I was being such an arsehole'. This does not happen.


BertieBotts Mon 25-Jan-16 14:23:18

Couldn't get him to see it. I think this is part of it TBH sad

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive Mon 25-Jan-16 14:24:11

Recent conversation with my ex-husband, he totally denied that he had been in any way abusive. Apparently I was the abusive one.
This is despite having had several conversations where he has admitted his past bad behaviour.
What has changed is that he is about to get married to a woman who he has known since last August and his mind must be in a place that says 'well, if it were her fault, then this marriage will be fine'.

Hillfarmer Mon 25-Jan-16 14:24:19

Yes - cross posted with others.

It was always all my fault.

I provoked him. His anger was always as a result of me. He was never at fault and never to blame. He was always justified. I was unreasonable for ever disagreeing with him.

The only way to stop an abusive relationship is to stop the relationship.

eloquent Mon 25-Jan-16 14:29:02

Emotional abusers like to believe that what they said and did was helpful. They were being truthful, they didn't mean to hurt you etc etc.
You need to leave. That is the only way to stop the cycle.

PeppermintPasty Mon 25-Jan-16 14:30:24

Oh Spad, I'm sorry. I went through all these thought processes too, I suspect we all did, before coming out the other side.

They don't tend to change, they never look inside themselves, they are always the victim, and they will forever shirk responsibility.

Yes, the only way to get it to stop is to remove yourself from it. You won't get different answers, in the main, no matter how many threads you start. That was my experience. I found MN a bit too late to take advantage of all the experience, I wallowed around trying to 'fix' things for far too long. I wasted years on a hopeless cause. Please don't do that too flowers

SoThatHappened Mon 25-Jan-16 14:44:04

Ive been with a couple. One physically and emotionally and one just emotionally.

I called one out on what he bad been doing when i caught him again and he threw a pity party of a lifetime. Sulked and played the victim so i apologised to him as i felt bad.

I feel sorry for his next victim as he will never change.

They dont ever do they? Even with a new partner it is a matter of time isnt it?

Doesn't look hopeful.
Even after all the promises that they will change, that they can't believe they fucked up so badly, that they'll never take you for granted again.

Within a few weeks you'll see it again. "That" expression that fills your stomach with dread.

Mine told me that he'd begun to resent me for making him behave this way. I twisted myself in knots trying to avoid triggering the abuse. Yet somehow always managed to bring it on myself. A comment, a question, not reacting correctly to a 'joke'. The causes got smaller and smaller as he tried to pick me apart in order to have something to be pissed off about.

Saddest part is I'm still with him.

Offred Mon 25-Jan-16 17:20:40

I've been with 4 EA men for varying lengths of time. None of them have ever admitted their behaviour was abusive. Sometimes they admitted they had done things wrong but this was often followed either by a short period of 'making up' and a reversion to crap behaviour or a 'I only did it because you push me to by being awful'.

DespicableBee Mon 25-Jan-16 17:44:22

They never admit it, they just blame other people

DoreenLethal Mon 25-Jan-16 17:46:55

Not admitting it is part of the abuse.

They will never just say 'Oh, I was being abusive, how silly of me. I must reign that in'. If called on it, they will just change the methodology and will in time, punish you in other ways.

Marchate Mon 25-Jan-16 18:26:12

The word admit is not in their vocabulary

Conversely, It's your fault is their favourite phrase. Different rules apply when it comes to you admitting to something/anything/everything

Hissy Mon 25-Jan-16 18:28:50

Admit? Nahhh... Only if it means they get something out of it.

Even then they will deny saying it and get angry if you question it and gaslight you until you apologise for upsetting them.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge Mon 25-Jan-16 18:34:51

My ex had his self-admitted behaviour described as domestic abuse to his face by a relate counsellor, was thrown off his first 6 month court 'suggested' DV course for being unable to accept what he was describing was abuse, and stalling the whole groups progress with his denials, and thirdly, completed a second 6 month DV course at the end of which his understanding of his abusiveness was levelled as 3/5.

That was a year ago. He still 'cannot understand' why I persist in referring to his behaviour as abusive.

Seriously. Give up now, and leave. I nearly destroyed myself trying to get him to 'get it'. They never do.

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 25-Jan-16 18:38:39

They don't admit it.

Everything bad that they do is your fault.

That's how you know they're abusive.

VoldysGoneMouldy Mon 25-Jan-16 18:39:04

They don't. That would mean accepting responsibility and accepting their behaviour. And that's part of the cycle. They won't admit it, and if they do, it will be closely followed by "but you made me do it / you provoked me / you treated me worse" kind of bullshit. You will never get an honest case of admitting and wanting to change.

I've posted on your other thread as well, OP. The only way this will stop is when you leave, and can remove yourself both physically and emotionally from the situation.

Strangeoccurence Mon 25-Jan-16 18:39:45

Nope. They dont see it. I voice recorded my old bf when he was clearly gaslighting etc. Alls it done whenever he was forced to see was escalate his aggression. He would redirect arguements to things from the past...anything to get away from what was being proven to him

MarkRuffaloCrumble Mon 25-Jan-16 18:42:08

I divorced him.

Once he realised how much he'd hurt me with his criticisms, 'jokes' and lack of interest in me he did actually feel bad.

We had a big talk after we had decide to split and he eventually accepted that he had been to blame and he cried. I gave him a hug and said that now we could move on.

We now get on OK as co-parents and both have new partners. There was no way I could have continued in a relationship with him but I did feel better being able to forgive him for the past so that we could both move on.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Mon 25-Jan-16 18:45:49

Oh and there was plenty of denial and 'I treated you that way because you let me' but eventually I was able to stand my ground and say no, it wasn't my fault, you chose to upset me. It did sink in eventually, but I think his EA was probably more of a character flaw (lack of empathy, very unemotional, rational etc) rather than a systemic pattern of abuse designed to have an effect.

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