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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can "no spark" develop into Love?

33 replies

tobbay · 24/01/2016 21:04

Has anyone ended up in love with someone where there was no spark or physical attraction at the start?

OP posts:

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holeinmyheart · 24/01/2016 21:18

Absolutely yes! If you have aims in common, a good family, good health, and the same interests, the relationship is in with a chance.
Being instantly physically attracted to someone hasn't always been a good basis for a relationship.
Just look at the threads on Mumsnet Relationships. All those disallusioned people must have been in 'love' initially.
I think it is better to look at their family. Look at how kind the person is. Would they bring you a boiled egg and soldiers in bed if you were sick? How unselfish and caring are they?
There are millions of successful arranged marriages in the world. It is as good as any other way of finding a mate. I wish we had arranged marriages in the UK as a legitimate way of carrying on.
Instead I know lovely people in their 30s who want to marry and have to resort to the web.

RedMapleLeaf · 24/01/2016 21:26

Just look at the threads on Mumsnet Relationships. All those disallusioned people must have been in 'love' initially.

Wow. I don't know where to start with addressing your comments about arranged marriage and "resorting to the web".

Titsywoo · 24/01/2016 21:28

Yes for me - DH and I were friends for years and there was no spark whatsoever. Then we got drunk and had sex and things changed

SoThatHappened · 24/01/2016 21:42

I've had the other way around. Physical spark, attraction, fabulous sex, but they say they didnt think I was right for them. I guess that never changes :(

tobbay · 24/01/2016 21:47

I've always thought here should be a spark at the beginning but it's always gone wrong for me! Now have a lovely man but who I don't particularly have any physical attraction towards but thinking maybe I should give it a shot..

OP posts:

hefzi · 24/01/2016 23:17

The healthiest and longest lasting relationships I have had have always been where there wasn't an initial spark - the sparky ones are always more intense, but burn brightly and burn out quickly!

SweeneyToddFlyingSquad · 24/01/2016 23:34

I went on a date which I thought went quite well...we talked for 3 hours...at the end I said I would love to see her again but she said there was no attraction but we could be friends..we have been together 2 years...I still mention the fact she didn't want me to which she replies..." You grew on me"....so from experience most definitely it can happen

PushingThru · 24/01/2016 23:46

It's never worked for me & I'd be wary of hurting someone.

SoThatHappened · 24/01/2016 23:51

The healthiest and longest lasting relationships I have had have always been where there wasn't an initial spark - the sparky ones are always more intense, but burn brightly and burn out quickly!

I would agree with that hefzi. I have had two relationships where there was a huge spark. One of them I truly felt he was my soul mate. Within a month we were both saying where have you been all my life, meeting friends, family, etc.

It did burn out and it was the worst break up I have ever had. I wish people would try more when they arent head over heels. Maybe see if something more develops.

juststoppit · 24/01/2016 23:59

Yes, OP.

BackforGood · 25/01/2016 00:02

Oh yes. A lot of people 'grow into' their love

Lovelydiscusfish · 25/01/2016 00:06

If he's a good man, then it's worth a shot, I think. Maybe if/when you kiss him, the attraction may grow. Good luck!

Morganly · 25/01/2016 10:35

Some people learn to love the person they are attracted to; some people learn to be attracted to the person they love.

pocketsaviour · 25/01/2016 10:51

It's never happened to me. If I'm not sexually attracted to someone I think it would be really unfair to string them along and then end up in a relationship with me being a less than enthusiastic participant in bed.

I've had one relationship like this and it was a massive mistake. I was really pushed into it by family and friends when I said "Oh he's a lovely bloke but I don't really fancy him..." And they were like "He'll grow on you, sex isn't everything and he earns a lot of money !" I ended up with him for 7 years, it was a colossal waste of time for both of us, we both ended up cheating and making each other thoroughly unhappy.

Would never make that mistake again.

MissBattleaxe · 25/01/2016 11:41

Yes. I was careworn and jaded when I met DH and it took a few dates for the spark to kick in but then, here we are 10 years later. Best man I ever met. Love him to pieces.

holeinmyheart · 25/01/2016 11:42

Every relationship I ever had where I went with my body, ended up being hopeless.
Of course if you feel physically repulsed by someone, the whole relationship will be doomed. But I don't think any replies are advocating that this sort of beginning will be successful.

Sex is only important in a relationship if it's an issue. Personally I wouldn't be happy in a sexless marriage but others are.

Before you even embark on any relationship, I think that knowing yourself and liking yourself are important.

Kindness and unselfishness is important in a prospective bloke, as when you have children, women become vulnerable.

spudlike1 · 25/01/2016 11:54

Agree with all that say the spark isn't important ..all that heart fluttering stuff passes .
Long term relationships( partnerships) built on mutual respect and trust , that's the kind of love that lasts .
boring perhaps but deep

MissBattleaxe · 25/01/2016 12:02

I would say give it a chance. The "he's nice" grows into a spark that can grow into butterflies like it did with me and DH.

BarbarianMum · 25/01/2016 12:05

Yes, me with dh. We were friends then one day a spark kindled and the rest is history

MissBattleaxe · 25/01/2016 12:06

Yes

BarbarianMum · 25/01/2016 12:06

It doesn't always come though. I wouldn't move beyond casual dating with someone I didn't feel a spark for, though.

MissBattleaxe · 25/01/2016 16:15

Yes a spark can grow, but don't flog something to death if its not forthcoming after a good while.

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CestLaVie93 · 25/01/2016 16:19

Yes, I wasn't initially attracted to my partner but his personality & charisma definitely won me over. We just clicked!

MirandaWest · 25/01/2016 16:19

I was talking about this to DP recently. We both agreed there was no initial spark for either of us but it would appear we both grew on each other

saffynool · 25/01/2016 16:21

I think there has to be 'something', but not necessarily a lustful spark type of thing. You do have to find them interesting, or funny (preferably both), you have to actively want to be in their company. I think love can grow if you have that.

But just 'nice enough chap', meh maybe not.

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