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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Would you acknowledge your husbands birthday in these circumstances?

36 replies

TiredMummy2015 · 16/01/2016 07:58

Long story short - we have a toddler and 6 week old baby. Husband has form for going out after work whenever he fancies leaving me to carry the can at home. He did it again this week ( I had a thread about it), then since I was angry at him decided he would go out all night Thursday too. So 3 days on my own struggling with a baby who screams all day and a toddler with no help or break.
Have asked him to leave and told him I can't put up with this crap any longer. We had the same thing before baby was born and he cried and begged for another chance which has stupidely gave him. He is trying the same now but I'm refusing to give in. He feels I shouldn't throw our marriage away over him going out.

Anyway today is his birthday. Do I acknowledge it or just ignore it!? I've no idea how to act. I'm being amicable but don't want to just back down and let him think he's got away with it yet again. I have small gifts from the children and a card. No card from me and his present from me is due for collection this afternoon.

How should I handle this!?

OP posts:

Report

lighteningirl · 16/01/2016 08:00

Why are you being amicable? If it's over its over Chuck his sorry arse out you will be better off on your own.

KittyandTeal · 16/01/2016 08:01

Ignore it. Let your toddler give him the present but then totally ignore it. I know it's not the higher ground but if he can't be bothered to come home and do his fair share why should you be bothered about his bday.

It might also show him how serious you are about him buggering off

HannahHobbins · 16/01/2016 08:02

I would be too mad to give him anything from me but I know that's childish and a bit passive aggressive. (But I wouldn't be able to help it)

He doesn't deserve a present though really does he?
How does he get away with it, does he not work? What a fuckarse.

TiredMummy2015 · 16/01/2016 08:04

I'm being amicable because we have a toddler here witnessing our interactions. He has only been home one night and he needs time to find somewhere to go. We have no family within several hundred miles so he can't just leave. He has moved into the spare room. I am not hanging out with him but am talking pleasantly when required.

OP posts:

Baressentials · 16/01/2016 08:11

How old is your toddler? Would they know that it is daddys birthday? If not then I am afraid I wouldn't acknowledge it at all. These are the consequences of his thoughtless and selfish behaviour.

Soooosie · 16/01/2016 08:12

I would probably give him what you've bought but tell him if he wants to blow out any candles with his children, he's going to have to arrange that himself.

Baressentials · 16/01/2016 08:13

I certainly wouldn't spend the day with him either. He can decide whether to spend his birthday with his dc - which means you get a day to yourself or you take the dc off somewhere and leave him to it.

Soooosie · 16/01/2016 08:13

Or actually can you reuse his gift elsewhere? Or return it? Will you need the cash?

Lweji · 16/01/2016 08:14

I'd get the toddler to give him the present snd arrange to go out myself, leaving him to have birthday quality time with the children, as I'm no longer part of his life.

Looseleaf · 16/01/2016 08:15

Have you already tried discussing this calmly and without confrontation? I would try to understand what's going on from his perspective and at the same time say how it makes a huge positive difference to you and DC to have him involved and what does he think the answer is? Early years with children can be the most exhausting and it's worth reminding each other it's only this intense for a while and being generous to each other- but I don't know what he's like or what's behind this behaviour.

Lweji · 16/01/2016 08:15

And return his present. It will only make things more complicated.

LittleLegs25 · 16/01/2016 08:16

Id let your toddler give him the gift from the kids and that's as far as I'd go.

TiredMummy2015 · 16/01/2016 08:16

Yes the toddler does know. I'm going to let him have the kids gifts but not take part more than I have to to let the toddler do the things he is excited about doing for his daddy.

OP posts:

Baressentials · 16/01/2016 08:18

I think that is a good idea. Return the gift you got him and spend the money on yourself. I really would bugger off for the day and let him enjoy his birthday with his dc.

DangerMouth · 16/01/2016 08:19

I too would get the toddler to give the present. I'd probably do cake as well as dd1 loves it but I'd be letting 'd'h know it was all only for dc benefit.

Then I'd ask how his house hunting was coming along.

Honestly OP that sounds terrible with a new born

wannabestressfree · 16/01/2016 08:20

God poor you and what an utter arse....

rainbowstardrops · 16/01/2016 08:21

I'm another one who would let the toddler give him his present and then back right off. He doesn't deserve anything more.

I don't know if you're bf but if not, I'd personally get ready to go out for the day and tell him his present is to look after the kids all day.

That's just me though

Baressentials · 16/01/2016 08:22

Dh is capable of sorting out his own cake surely so the dc can still get the enjoyment? When he moves out and has his dc to stay he will have to do it. Those extras are no longer OPs concern.

GloriaHotcakes · 16/01/2016 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Baressentials · 16/01/2016 08:23

Rainbow I would do the same. Surely he wants to spend his birthday with his dc and as him and the OP are no longer "together" she doesn't need to be there.

spudlike1 · 16/01/2016 08:29

Agree with others just a present from DC , if you give him anything he might see it as a indicator that he can manipulate his way back.

Youarentkiddingme · 16/01/2016 08:35

Totally agree that you are seperated now so he gets to spend day with his DC and you get to spend it alone returning his birthday gift and spending the cash on yourself instead. I'd let toddler give dad his gift but only once you are up, dressed with coat and shows on ready ready to leave house.
Even if it's just coffe shop, book and time alone.

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Squeegle · 16/01/2016 08:38

Please turn it round. How would he behave to you if you'd not been back for the night?

Why do you think you should be being nice to this fellow when he's so disrespectful to you??

bakeoffcake · 16/01/2016 08:38

I do feel for you. He is a complete arse to throw his marriage away for the sake of going out. He's obviously not mature enough for marriage.

Can you go out today and leave the children with him for a bit? Give yourself a break, go to the cinema or meet a friend?

ohtheholidays · 16/01/2016 08:41

Tired I agree with the rest,let your DS give his present and card and leave it at that.With the gift you've ordered I'd send it back and get the money back.

With him moving out have you been getting your finances in order?If not I'd start now,working out what he'll pay,what maintanance he'll pay ect.

And I wouldn't back down again for him,you've given him a chance and he's blown it,he's not only being a crap husband he's also being a crap Dad.Who sods of out for the whole night when they have a toddler and a newborn at home.

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