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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is he a cocklodger? Yes or No

32 replies

whoamikidding · 31/12/2015 19:30

Keen to get opinions to settle a dispute amongst a group of friends. The female in question believes her DP is not a cocklodger and we are all just bitter divorcees who think the worst of men. We (the friendship group) clearly object to this and think the DP is a typical cocklodger.

Key facts about our dear friend:

Age 47
Very solvent, talking £150k salary minimum consistently.
Met DP at work
Moved hundreds of miles with DP to live in a very expensive part of the world. He couldn't have done it without her.
Been with him 4 years (of which 3.5 have been in this new location).

Key facts about the DP

Age 35
Highly intelligent, salary increased significantly since moving to new location, but still earning half what our friend earns.
Loves money and expensive items/lifestyle.
Had an EA 2 years into the relationship which lasted 1 month or so. EA was very intense, and he was already making plans to live with this OW.

I know this isn't much to go on, but the last point re the EA is what alarms us. Then when you factor in the whole situation with her being a high earner, it is very very suspicious.

OP posts:

Report

RJnomore1 · 31/12/2015 19:33

Does he contribute financially in a fair way or does he expect her to pay for everything?

whoamikidding · 31/12/2015 19:36

He makes some contributions, fair in respect of his earnings relative to hers. She contributes more due to earning a lot more.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 31/12/2015 19:36

Why couldn't he have done it without her? You haven't said what contributions either of them make, impossible to say without more info.

BarneySparkles · 31/12/2015 19:38

Doesn't sound like one to me. Sounds a bit of a cheating arse though.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 31/12/2015 19:38

No.

A cocklodger wouldn't be earning a decent amount and contributing. If he earns 75k that's a good job. A cock lodger either wouldn't be working or would be fucking about "setting up a business" which never made money. Or he would be earning and refusing to contribute.

VagueIdeas · 31/12/2015 19:40

From Urban Dictionary:

"A male who lives with his girlfriend without paying rent.
Rent and bills are paid by the girlfriend, the cocklodger relies on the fact that the couple are shagging to continue his residency."

He doesn't fit the cocklodger profile from what you say. Gold digger, maybe, but tbh it's very hard to make a judgement going by what you've said.

CallieTorres · 31/12/2015 19:43

Well the EA was 2 years ago, and they seem to still be together, so unless there is any further information then i'm thinking no on the cocklodger

So what if he likes a spendy lifestyle, and shes still earning and they are still together

Unless you have more info then you all should butt out

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/12/2015 19:44

I can certainly see what he gets out of this relationship but what is in this for her?. Is he at heart someone for her to rescue and or save, her project to improve him?. She may also like the fact that she has a toyboy on her arm, she at 47 can still pull and hold onto a younger man (well for now anyway).

Some men like supposedly strong and sorted (well on the surface anyway) women. Abusive men can use and take "strong" women down with them by exploiting and playing on their inward insecurities and fears. They can read such women very well. They also see such women as a challenge.

How was the emotional affair discovered?. It looks like she forgave such a transgression for her own reasons.

SolsburyHell · 31/12/2015 19:44

Cheater...yes. Cocklodger...probably not on the info given. He earns about 75k, presumably he pays his way. I'm not saying he's a catch though, but you may want to get your insults right.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 31/12/2015 19:46

No.

ImperialBlether · 31/12/2015 19:48

The fact she earns more doesn't make him a cocklodger. It's his attitude and contributions which determine that. As someone above said, the most commonly found cocklodger owns his own business, which involves lying in bed until ten am, leaving the woman to get the children ready for school, then gets up to scratch his balls for an hour or two to have breakfast over a leisurely couple of hours online. He may leave the house an hour before the family arrives home, leaving the kitchen and living room in a complete mess, evidence of his wanking in the bedroom and then come home in a foul mood to yell at the kids about his hard day. The day would usually involve telling the woman she was lucky to have him, wouldn't get anyone else and that she's bleeding him dry.

TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 31/12/2015 19:50

Cocklodger - no. Not on the info given.
Potential cheater - yes. I'd be inclined to be a bit suspicious of his motives.

Arfarfanarf · 31/12/2015 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyWithLapdog · 31/12/2015 19:52

I just want to know what she does if she can move countries and still earn so much so quickly :)

AyeAmarok · 31/12/2015 20:02

He sounds like a cheat and an arsehole.

But not a cocklodger, not at all.

littleleftie · 31/12/2015 20:09

OP I think Wankbadger is the term you are seeking.

HTH

whoamikidding · 31/12/2015 20:14

What is wankbadger?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 31/12/2015 20:14

Yes, on reflection, he's a wankbadger rather than a cocklodger.

tribpot · 31/12/2015 20:24

Not a cocklodger. It's not based on one partner earning less than the other, it's based on one contributing nothing. So even if they do earn something they keep it all for personal use. A cocklodger also contributes nothing in labour.

He may be a gold-digger, though.

whoamikidding · 31/12/2015 20:54

Thanks ladies, now I know the definition, he definitely is not a cocklodger.

OP posts:

whoamikidding · 31/12/2015 20:55

Friend doesn't know about the EA, but everyone in his social circle (which excludes her) knows.

I only found out about it through my daughter.

OP posts:

tribpot · 31/12/2015 21:00

Hmm, that's not so good. I assumed from your first post that he had fessed up and they'd moved past it together. He sounds like a user. What stopped the EA from going further?

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goddessofsmallthings · 31/12/2015 21:02

Me too, Lady as I can only think of one profession that spans continents and transcends language difficulties.

whoamikidding · 31/12/2015 21:34

No clue as to what stopped the EA from progressing. From what I gather, noone other than the 2 involved know the details. It was all very abrupt and they went NC it seems.

OP posts:

whoamikidding · 31/12/2015 21:35

Haha, she works in a very specialist Tech area. Her skills are very rare and so is her level/depth of experience.

OP posts:

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