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He's left, I'm I'm shock

(62 Posts)
Mamapotter2008 Tue 29-Dec-15 16:15:15

I met my husband when I was 21. We married when I was 26. At 27 we had a wonderful surprise, our daughter. When she turned one, he was diagnosed with MS and I was his carer for a year. Up until then I had experienced mild depression. When he was ill, I became very depressed. I never really recovered, despite doing everything the doctors told me and going to tons of therapy.

On several occasions I asked him to come to couples counselling with me - its always a good idea to do that when one of you has a lot of therapy. Plus there were several things I wasn't happy with - there had been long periods of him witholding intimacy from me and I was turning myself inside out to become more fun, thinner, better looking. He wanted to move to be near his parents - this was not good for me at all because the job I do is usually on offer in cities and they are in the country. I agreed because I wanted him to be happy.

Last month we were planning our 10th wedding anniversary. The day after we book the venue, he dumps me in a five minute conversation. He told me that I'd chipped away at his love for me. I was devastated. He was working 200 miles away, and I had gone there to see him.

He told me to go home and said I mustn't tell our daughter, I should wait for him to come next week. I managed 24 hours and then I needed to tell her what's wrong.

Once the initial shock wore off, I asked him why he didn't come to counselling with me if there was a problem. He said he didn't know. I asked him to try it now. He refused. I then asked him why he felt the need to do this to our daughter 3 weeks before Christmas. He told me that was none of my business. Then I asked him if there was someone else. He said he had "strong feelings" for someone, but it's not his fault, I'm impossible to be with. He only had to come home at weekends!!

I've been through hell, blaming myself for all of it. I know that living with a depressed person can be hard. I tried so hard to make it easier for him. It always felt like he wouldn't meet me in the middle.

He's been making life hard financially, and the advice I've received is that I need to file the divorce that I don't want so that I can use the legal system to get him to do the right thing. My daughter is really upset with him - apparently he told her "tough, get over it" when she said she was upset. She's 7!!!!

I still blame myself. How did this lovely, kind, patient man turn into such an arrogant arsehole? What did I do that was so terrible this wonderful Dad needed to turn his life upside down and trash his relationship with his daughter, to get away from me?

Goingtobeawesome Tue 29-Dec-15 16:18:08

You did nothing wrong. He took up with miss fancy knickers and then decided you had chipped away his love bollocks.

Get the financials sorted, don't trust him to do anything right and make sure your daughter isn't used as a bargaining chip.

ImperialBlether Tue 29-Dec-15 16:23:21

Do you think your depression might have been unhappiness?

Mamapotter2008 Tue 29-Dec-15 16:24:52

Problem is, when confronted with the 2 year period where allegedly intimacy was impossible due to his MS, but was actually him relieving himself in the bathroom whilst looking at porn, apparently because that's much easier than telling me he wants no more children, my reaction was, well not much at all. But then every little argument ended with me in a full on rage at him. And that's what he says did it. I did tell him I could only talk about it in couples therapy, because I was afraid it meant the end of the relationship.

Mamapotter2008 Tue 29-Dec-15 16:27:47

Yes, I do. It was so hard, I love him so much, and he really hurt me. I wanted so much to forgive him, and I tried so hard to talk to him about it. But I've learnt that wanting to forgive something and actually forgiving it are two different things. Especially when intimacy was still being withdrawn after we'd got it all out in the open.

annandale Tue 29-Dec-15 16:30:25

I do think you are likely to feel a lot less depressed in time - it sounds like the relationship has been struggling for years.

I would say get a lawyer and maybe look into play therapy for your daughter, at least a session or two, perhaps to get some advice about tackling tricky issues with this age group. Make sure she knows that there's no such thing as an issue that's too difficult to talk about.

PitPatKitKat Tue 29-Dec-15 16:32:54

flowers

Mamapotter2008 Tue 29-Dec-15 16:36:13

Play therapy for daughter already arranged through school.

DPotter Tue 29-Dec-15 16:41:53

flowers
I think I'm right in saying that there can be personality changes with MS - however very happy to be corrected on that one

FantasticButtocks Tue 29-Dec-15 16:43:45

He sounds rather heartless and totally selfish. And you seem to have given him more than you could afford.

You talk about when he was ill, so I'm a bit confused as I thought MS (multiple sclerosis) just gets worse and worse over time. Was it meant to read ME perhaps? Apologies if I'm being ignorant.

summerwinterton Tue 29-Dec-15 16:45:04

I read your op with a sinking heart, just knew there would be an ow and he would bloody well blame you. Textbook mlc affair knob isn't he? Honestly, talk about following the script. You need to get lawyered up and fast. And you will see he is not the man you thought you loved, that ship has sailed. You and your dd deserve way better than this specimen will ever offer you. The best thing you can do is go nc with him. Start protecting yourself from his fuckwittery.

Mamapotter2008 Tue 29-Dec-15 16:46:30

That's right, there can be. Not a lot is known definitively about it, because it's bundled up with the devastating news that you have an unpredictable debilitating illness, so it's hard to separate what's to do with the trauma and what's to do with legions on the brain.

The last brain scan I saw, he had legions on the brain. He does appear to be missing whatever it is that gives people empathy. He also had practically zero emotional reaction (that he would admit to) as a result of the diagnosis.

Sunnyshores Tue 29-Dec-15 16:48:23

You cant blame yourself, you will probably never know the truth of why he left and he sure as hell isnt going to say its his fault he was weak and didnt try very hard. It is much easier for his conscience and explaining to his friends and family that it was your fault.

You did things that maybe werent condusive to a happy marriage, but likewise you sought help and therapy and wanted to make things work. He was no angel either - difference being he wouldnt seek help and instead prefers to just walk out on you and DD.

Dickhead!

Mamapotter2008 Tue 29-Dec-15 16:51:07

No, definitely MS and not ME.

There are three types of MS. Primary progressive (very bad news - you keep getting worse and never get better - that's what he initially appeared to have), relapsing remitting (you have flare ups which mostly get completely better - that's what he has and it's the most common type), and secondary progressive (about a third of people with relapsing remitting develop secondary progressive - this is where you get worse and never better)

Samantha28 Tue 29-Dec-15 16:53:34

I'm sorry, you and your beautiful daughter don't deserve to be treated like this .

ExitPursuedByABear Tue 29-Dec-15 16:58:58

What a twunt.

Whether his illness has made him this way or not, he has made his feelings clear and you need to look after yourself and your DD.

VestalVirgin Tue 29-Dec-15 17:00:56

Take the advice, file the divorce. Also, move back to where you can get a job.

Do that all before he gets another flare up and decides he needs you as his carer.

Maybe it is actual personality change, maybe he always was this way. You never know. But sacrificing any more of your mental health for his sake is not something you should do. If he needs care again, he can ask his new love for it.

NanaNina Tue 29-Dec-15 17:01:06

MS doesn't always get worse over time. Some people are in remission for long periods of their lives, and some have very few symptoms. Obviously there are people who suffer from a whole range of symptoms and it can get worse over time. It must have been a shock OP for your DH to get such a diagnosis at his age - but then that's when MS usually strikes.

You don't say very much about his MS, but you certainly did all you could to support him. It's not surprising that you became depressed because loss o some sort (not necessarily bereavement) is at the root of depression.

The way he told you OP is unforgiveable and you must have been totally devastated. He has also been callous to your DD - glad she is getting some play therapy which will help. Yes I agree with others that he came up with the "chipping away at his love" is a rationalisation for his r/ship with another woman.

How is your depression now? Are you on meds - if not - I think it would be a good idea. And yes you need legal advice. Please don't blame yourself, he's only telling you that to stop himself feeling guilty.

Take care of you and DD

FantasticButtocks Tue 29-Dec-15 17:05:18

Thanks for the explanations about MS.

Time to put yourself first now op thanks

Viviennemary Tue 29-Dec-15 17:05:33

You have both been under enormous strain. Being diagnosed with MS must be very hard but so must being the partner of somebody as well. But even so he has behaved very badly in how he has dealt with telling you he's leaving. But as people say that can be part of the illness. I can't see this 'thing' with the OW lasting.

MrsDeVere Tue 29-Dec-15 17:10:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kittybiscuits Tue 29-Dec-15 17:16:04

Agreed his behaviour has been appalling OP. However, you have had a very difficult life with him. It will be interesting to see what happens to your depression once you have been free of him for a while - he sounds like he really knows how to suck the joy out of a person. Give yourself some time to cope with the shock. And then you wll be able to think about what kind of future you want for yourself, because in the past but was all about him. Please make sure the door is clearly barred in case he decides he's made a mistake. You deserve so much better than this.

goodriddance11 Tue 29-Dec-15 17:35:30

this is going to be a jumbled up post because I have so many things to say, so will number them to make it less chaotic.

1. "Very kind" lovely men can sometimes turn out to be complete pricks even after 10 years. You see a diferrent side to them. They can often be the type to avoid confrontation, build resentment and they are often the worst at "working through" problems like a normal person. Instead they get a little unhappy or they find someone else they fancy and then they start stacking up reasons in their head for why they are the victim. Happenned to me.

2. You're not to blame. Even if you're an awful wife (which I am sure you're not), he should have talked to you about it and gone to counselling because that's what marriage is. Commitment to work through problems. Not to shag someone else.

3. It's very normal for cowardly and selfish men to meet someone else and then devalue you /make you feel like it's your fault / say stuff to convince themselves they are the victim so he will believe his own bull shit.

4. I had a very "nice" man that I "loved" and when he did this to me (same thing but actually worse) I miraculously lost my depression and it never came back again. Took about two years for me to realise he was making me unhappy.

5. He sounds like a horrible person. No nice person could do what he is doing. I know it is hard to see that but given time you will

xx

Mamapotter2008 Tue 29-Dec-15 18:06:57

Dear Knobweasle

I am divorcing you on the following grounds;

1) your spineless attitude towards our marriage

2) your unusually cruel attitude to the welfare of our daughter

3) you have an infinitesimally small penis which never gave me any satisfaction.

Yours

Overstuffed scarecrow with puffy eyes and snotty nose.

P.S. That last point was a lie. Just wanted you to see what it's like when someone rewrites history. Your penis and I actually had a lot of fun. I hope she enjoys it as much as I did - more in fact - so much so she breaks it in a fit of over enthusiastic enjoyment - that way you'll experience the closest thing possible to a broken heart.

PitPatKitKat Tue 29-Dec-15 18:59:12

That's the spirit wine

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