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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Please help me find peace

37 replies

lampshady · 26/12/2015 21:47

DP left two weeks before Christmas. Very sudden and unexpected. He collected his things a couple of days afterwards and no contact since.

He's gone back to where his family are, which is the other end of the country. We've had a stressful few months but also really good times.

I have a six year old son and ex isn't his father but has been in his life since DS was 3. I haven't told DS yet and just said ex is visiting family for Christmas.

Definitely no OW. Ex said he felt lost and didn't know who he was anymore. This has completely come out of the blue. No major arguments but bickering. We had sex the day before he left.

I have mental health problems that were worse in the past few months, and ex was really unhappy in his job. To me this is just life, good bits and bad bits. We'd done all the Christmas shopping for DS and ex had bought my gift.

I'm so blind sided and confused and fucking gutted. We looked at rings online and although I knew the proposal wasn't imminent, we had plans for the future. We were saving to buy a house and his parents had given him money towards a deposit.

I have no idea what to do and how to get over this. Time, unfortunately. I know he's handing his notice in at his job and has no other ties to where I live, so I'll never see him again. He said it wasn't planned. We were meant to go away for NY and it was booked and paid for.

I feel like the worst human ever that I made him feel so awful that this was his only option.

What do I do? How the fuck do I get over this? He was wonderful. Not so much at the end.

OP posts:

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lampshady · 26/12/2015 22:30

I'm having to sit on my hands to not contact him. I want to cry and beg. There are things that needed to change but not irreparable ones. I just don't get it and I don't want to humiliate myself by begging for answers. Hopefully the next year will pass quickly.

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AlwaysBeYourself · 26/12/2015 22:44

Awful shock to you. How do you know there is no other woman?

GloriaHotcakes · 26/12/2015 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 26/12/2015 22:54

All you can do is take it one moment at a time. Don't try to look too far in the future just now. You are right not to contact him. He's given you his reasons for leaving, and even if they seem rather shit ones to you they're good enough ones to him. There's really nothing more to be said. I know it's hard, but you'll feel better in the long run if you just let it go.

Are you seeing anyone for your MH issues? If not, it would probably be a good idea to seek counseling to help you over this bump in your life's road.

Focus on practicalities. Were you living together? Do you need to separate finances or tenancy? It sounds as if you were contributing to an account together for a house deposit, if it was a joint account you need to take your portion out. Can you get a refund on anything you've paid for the NY trip?

lampshady · 26/12/2015 23:08

Definitely no OW because there just really isn't. I know/knew him and he wouldn't, aside from not having the time! Up until two weeks ago he was devoted to us.

I haven't heard from him at all. I blocked from social media, Skype and WhatsApp but not from text or email. He's not contacted me.

Thank you imthe. It's what I need to hear, although it's painful. I'm going back to therapy in the new year. I'm trying not to minimise them but I really haven't been awful at all, just a bit less energy and doing less around the house. Our tenancy is coming to an end anyway so I have gone to my dad's and will move remaining things after Christmas. Have closed the joint account but our savings were not joint, if that makes sense. There was only a couple of hundred in there, which I spent on a fucking amazing hair cut and colour.

NY was new year btw, not as exciting as new York! That's non refundable but a friend is coming with me for one night and will have some down time for the rest of it.

Sleep would be good. I can't sleep. I can't believe I pushed him that far and he didn't say anything until it was too late to do anything about it. It wasn't 'me' he couldn't cope with, just 'ill me'. The pressure I think.

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Tillii · 26/12/2015 23:16

Sorry lamp but that has been said so many times by people. You don't know him at the moment, the man who has left that is. Also believing that he wouldn't do that to you, well you didn't think he would leave did you.
As for not having the time, people find time, even busy people.

Apart from that, could you possibly have scared him off by looking at rings when he has not proposed. It could be that you have forced him to examine his feelings and he doesn't feel he wants to commit and be with you long term. Three years is not that long and he may have felt that it was time to get out rather than take it too the next level.

lampshady · 26/12/2015 23:24

He instigated the rings, not me! I just vetted his choices. It was done in a light hearted way. Re: the cheating, he really hasn't, at least not physically and I very much doubt emotionally. I'm not burying my head in the sand about it but I'm 100% certain, although it's true I didn't think he'd leave.

I just want anger to come rather than confusion and disbelief. I keep playing scenarios in my head where he comes back so I'm making it harder to grieve for the relationship. I've said everything I could have possibly said to save the relationship and none of it was enough, or too little too late, so deep down I know. There's a little part refusing to accept it though.

OP posts:

Tillii · 26/12/2015 23:31

I still don't get why you are adamant he isn't possibly having an affair? Him saying he feels lost and doesn't know he is anymore is quite typical of someone who has had their head turned. Sorry but I think you may find that this is the case as more unfolds. Men don't tend to leave a relationship without another woman in the wings.

TendonQueen · 26/12/2015 23:37

I think it's shit of him to walk out on a 6 year old who has seen him as a father figure for the last 3 years and plan never to come back. If that's what he's capable of, then he's not the person you thought he was, I'm afraid. Not much help now when you're in pain but maybe later you will look back and be relieved you are out of it. I'd agree that his behaviour is like that of someone who's just met a new person.

lampshady · 26/12/2015 23:40

At the risk of sounding defensive, I have known him for 10 years and been in a relationship for three and I absolutely know he wouldn't. First time for everything and all, but I don't believe he'd get to that point. He's very black and white in that respect and I know he finds other women attractive, he needs to like someone's personality to sleep with them. His behaviour didn't change at all in the last few months, I know who he worked with and his friends and there's no indication that he became emotionally involved with anyone.

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lampshady · 26/12/2015 23:41

Should say although he finds other women attractive

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ohYestoYestyn · 26/12/2015 23:49

having a crisis at work often sends men into depression/loss of identity, even if you don't think it's that important. It's likely to be that - and he may be back if things improve with a new job. HE might be begging and pleading then.

welshguy1 · 26/12/2015 23:52

So sorry for you OP, it must be tough. The reasons sound a little vague, but it does sound a little like he's simply struggling to cope with life and it's various problems.

Is it his job, you or something else - who knows? I definitely think he owes you a decision though. I know people are suggesting you don't contact him and I agree you shouldn't chase, but he's had two weeks and you have to move on at some point. It sounds like you've tried to persuade him back from your posts. Perhaps it's time to just ask for a simple - "are we finished?" - at least I think you'd know where you stand when you get the answer.

lampshady · 27/12/2015 00:06

I know we're definitely finished. He's not rash or impulsive. I just can't accept it.

I missed the post about him walking out on my DS, and that's exactly how I feel. I'm furious with him for that. DS asks when ex is coming home and what games they'll play. I know I have to say something but I don't want to be the one to break his little heart and have to deal with it.

I have so many questions. We went to an event less than a month ago and had a bloody fantastic time. Day to day living is fine, although did become routine. We'd talked about picking up our hobbies in the new year and holidays, plans, right up until the day before he left. It's the abruptness of it that's made it harder. And if it was that bad, why didn't he say something when I could do something about it?

I feel like a massive broken record. All of this goes round and round in my head and I can't bloody sleep.

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AlwaysBeYourself · 27/12/2015 00:15

You want to find peace. Only when you know the truth behind why he has suddenly moved out and left you will you start to be able to work your way to any sense of peace.

Do you know for sure that he is living with his family?
Has he really had no opportunity to meet anyone else in the last 6 months?

Him saying he doesn't know who he is does sound like a man who has found himself having feelings for someone else and maybe even crossed a line. The words you are saying are words that most women say about their OHs. You wouldn't be with them if you thought for one minute that they were capable of cheating, would you? If he has fallen for someone else then he would not see the world so black and white anymore. That's why he doesn't know who he is and feels lost.

AlwaysBeYourself · 27/12/2015 00:17

He feels guilty and cannot stay in the same house as you knowing what he knows and how he feels about you now.

lampshady · 27/12/2015 00:21

He's definitely with family. He definitely hasn't cheated. That path won't give me an answer because it isn't the answer. It's really not. I know how it sounds, I really do, but he hasn't cheated.

Nothing changed about his behaviour until the day he left. He wasn't secretive, hiding anything, weird with his phone. He worked and went out with the same people. It might sound naive but I'm positive.

OP posts:

AlwaysBeYourself · 27/12/2015 00:25

Tillii · 27/12/2015 00:34

You may find in a few weeks that he will want to talk to you even if its only to tie up lose ends. You will have to wait until he is ready though.
This is a difficult time so just look after yourself and try to not look too far ahead. It will unfold.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 27/12/2015 01:22

IMHO whether he's cheated or not doesn't really matter. The fact is that he's broken off the relationship. Why doesn't matter. It doesn't help you to heal or move on any faster to know why or think about various reasons. What does help is saying 'it is what it is' rather than 'why did this happen'.

I think you're doing very well. You've handled finances and are making plans for NY (New Year, not New York! ). That's all great.

Now one step at a time. When you find yourself imagining these 'reunion scenarios' just distract yourself. Sing out loud, do multiplication tables. Personally, I always recite 'Jabberwocky' when I need to get my mind off things.

Epilepsyhelp · 27/12/2015 01:47

Everyone needs to stop insisting he has cheated. Sometimes relationships do break down without OW you know.

You will get through this time OP. You don't need someone that flaky in your life or ds's life, that they would just walk out on you both without talk or explanation.

lampshady · 27/12/2015 07:54

Thank you, and I'm glad people believe me that he hasn't cheated.

You're right. The reasons don't matter and it is what it is. I'll be starting therapy so I can sustain a long term relationship (if/when I get to that point!) and spot other people's emotions better as I struggle with that.

In the meantime it'll be faking it until I make it. There are a lot of changes I want to make this year with my physical health and career so plenty to keep me busy. Definitely need those distractions though.

Thank you.

OP posts:

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Sansoora · 27/12/2015 08:15

Always, Ive reported that post of yours, the one with the inappropriate stupid bloody emoticon in reply to a post from the OP.

Tillii · 27/12/2015 10:47

Sansoora the post you reported wasn't inappropriate, it was a "confused" face.

lampshady · 27/12/2015 10:50

The impression I got was that Always was confused because I said ex hadn't cheated. Kind of belittling when I'm the one in the situation.

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