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Advice needed - trying to move on...

(3 Posts)
wobblywingbatgirl Wed 23-Dec-15 13:27:00

Hi All - long story - link here but I'd posted it under another name originally:

Anyway, 4 months on and although I'm OK in myself, I just still am really struggling with him and this other life. The fact that he's obviously very happy and in love with someone else, but more so the fact that he just can't seem to acknowledge that perhaps he didn't go about it in the right way.

Him and his brother have now had a massive falling out and I'm caught in the middle. Not so much about whats happened, but the fact that he's shut his brother out of his life. XP has now said that he doesn't want our daughter going round there, nor his brother in our house whilst he still owns half of it. I won't go into details but although his brother tried in the past to help in his own way, he actually caused me more distress by telling me details that I didn't want to know and making it about "him". I do accept this and the way my XP feels, but I just don't know what to do. My XP still has this massive control over me and I don't know why - maybe because deep down I still want him to like me, maybe because I still want to be the one he talks to rather than his new bit (OW). I want to be able to my XP that the reason people are so upset is the fact that he moved straight in with someone else, but I can't find the words and I know he just doesn't see it as an issue. Or if he does, he wont just admit it.

Sorry - Im waffling - I guess my questions are:

1. How do I stop obsessing about him and his new life/OW/Children
2. How do I let go of the fact that he doesn't think he's done anything wrong
3. Do I do what my XP wants for now with regards to his brother and hope it settles down?

Thanks. I know I sound spineless - I'm not, but I'm emotionally exhausted, frightened and dont' want to hurt anyone anymore.

RealityCheque Wed 23-Dec-15 14:25:41

1. It's been 4 months after a long relationship. It is going to take more time - just try to keep busy.

2. There really isn't anything YOU can do here. It's not you that's wrong.

3. Bollocks to what he wants. He stopped calling the shots about who you see or don't see (including the kids when they are with you - unless they are at risk) when he left. It's YOUR decision. If the kids will benefit from seeing their uncle and you want them to then do it.

Good luck.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 23-Dec-15 15:03:29

The answers to your questions are:

1. Your thoughts can only control you if you let them. Be firm with yours, tell any unwanted ones to come back at a time of your choosing and set aside 15 minutes every day (or evening) for thoughts of him/her/her dc to freerange in your head before shutting up shop, so to speak, till the next time. Set an alarm clock to end these sessions and deduct 1 minute per week from the period of time you've allowed to indulge your 'obsessive' thoughts.

2. Accept that in choosing the path of denial he's shown himself to be morally defective and it's inevitable that his shortcomings will come to home to roost one way or another.

3. Although he may 'own half the house', by living elsewhere he's no more than the equivalent of an absentee landlord who has no right to dictate what his tenant does in the privacy of their own home providing that their behaviour doesn't undermine the foundations of the bricks and mortar, or cause the roof to fall in.

In short, he can't have it both ways. He's chosen to be out of your life and out of your home and it would be thoroughly unreasonable, as well as morally unjust, for him to attempt to impose any restriction on who you choose to entertain, or take issue with how you choose to conduct your life.

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