Left after 26 years for the woman at work...

[Dollygirl2008]

Right, here goes. Long story - they always are aren't they...

Been with other half for 26 years since I was 18 (I'm 46). We have a 8 year old daughter. Our relationship has been slowly dissolving for perhaps a couple of years now, more so for him as I buried my head in the sand. I was happy to just "carry on" - rightly or wrongly. Anyway, the arguing became so bad last Christmas that we decided to see where it went. It was pretty grim to be honest - atmosphere every night, felt like there was always a white elephant in the room. Got to end of May, and I think he couldn't deal with it anymore. He HAS to be loved, adored and I think I've just taken him for granted and never really listened when he was trying to voice his concerns about our relationship. Anyway, we decided early June that we had probably hit the end of the road, but we would be amicable and still go on a very expensive holiday we had booked for August, really for our daughters sake. After we had this chat, he admitted that there was a woman at work he was interested in. He swore that nothing had happened, but he was pretty sure that she felt the same way (I'm sure she was just hanging around). A few nights later, he told me that he'd spoken to this lady (!) and yes, she did feel the same way but they were definite that nothing would happen between them until we finally split. Anyway, a dreadful summer was spent with me wondering whether they were with each other etc, then we went on a lovely holiday where we got on really well. I began to think that maybe things could be OK, but deep down I knew we were too "broken" to fix (his drinking, my aggression). 4 days after coming back, he left and moved straight in with her and her 3 daughters.

So now I am angry. Angry that he could just move straight into her house, bed after 26 years. I actually feel "OK" - just "OK" - as in I'm functioning, I'm still at work, and I'm fine on my own. Not sure if its the shock or whether I actually dealt with more mentally over the summer than I thought. I mean - what sort of a woman moves a man in with her 3 daughters on the basis of working with him??? The reason I'm posting is that I can't shake some feelings:

1. Has he been telling the truth and really not "seeing her" properly over the summer? He is the most honest person I know, and believe me, he's told me some things that I'd rather not have heard!! He is still swearing he's been telling the truth and isn't really sure whether he loves her or not. Should I just let the summer go regardless, draw a line under it and move on??
2. What really hurts me at the moment is that he couldn't sort his demons out with me - I feel like I'm the one that made him so unhappy that he had to turn to drink/drugs but now he's with missy, he's so happy that he can tackle them
3. Their child-free weekends - I keep wondering what they're going to do

Sorry for the lengthy post. I do believe that we are doing the right thing, but I just feel that he should have had some space to sort his head out, and to help our 8 year old adjust. No one apart from me has voiced their opinion at him just moving in with her as they're too scared to piss him off incase he shuts them out.

Just feel like I need some advice if anyone can be bothered to sift through this....... x

[fastdaytears]

You're right of course that this wasn't a good way for him to do things. Perhaps other people aren't voicing their opinions though because they don't want to cause a big drama and they're trying to limit the damage for everyone.

How is your DD? Has she been seeing her dad since he moved out?

[OneBreathAfterAnother]

You can't answer any of those questions, and it's best that you don't try.

He could have been seeing her through the Summer, but if it's he's usually very honest and he's been painfully honest with you so far, then perhaps he wasn't. If they talked about their mutual feelings, then presumably they were making plans but delaying them until you split, which would explain how she was ready to just let him move in.

His demons are his demons, nothing to do with you. He's been with her a matter of weeks, everyone can keep their demons under control for that long. If they make it to 26 years without them ever surfacing, he's done well. But it's nothing to do with you. His problems are his, your problems are yours. You can only fight them for yourself.

Wondering what they are going to do on their child-free weekends is a path to madness, you don't know, and you don't really want to know if you're honest.

Some uncomfortableness over this is par for the course, but it sounds like you made the best decision, if you are aggressive and he has drink problems. You've possibly made it worse for yourself by giving yourself a nice Summer together first - a clean break would have been better, even if wasted the holiday - because you made new memories and feelings for him whilst he was planning his escape to her. Nothing you can do now, though.

Block him from your head and when you can't, remind yourself why you can't be together.

[Dollygirl2008]

Thank you so much both of you for your level headed advice - the kindness of strangers.

Our daughter is surprisingly fine and seems to have just accepted it. I've tried to explain the "quality vs quantity" theory with her - would she rather see an unhappy daddy every day, where we argue, or 3/4 times a week when its nice time, just the two of them.

I do miss him - but I miss the person (people) we were 10 years ago before "life" got in the way (work etc I mean, not my gorgeous girl). However, it feels "calmer" - just hope its not shock and that I'm not in for a big fall.

He has taken the car and is taking her to school/picking her up 3 times a week and then taking her to gym on a Saturday. We did talk about her staying with him every other weekend, but that was before I realised he was moving in with the other woman and her children straight away. I just can't let her go there.

I guess we all just think (us "lefties") that they are all living blissful happiness but I think the sensible side of me knows (hopes - sorry) deepdown that it might not be the case.

I just wish my brain would stop.

[fastdaytears]

I'm sure it's all exciting there now, but long term this woman is in for a shock.

You sound like you're doing really, really well. What's your secret? Your DD sounds fab too.

[Dollygirl2008]

Hi, well that's part of my anxiety - I feel I'm doing OK considering its been 10 days! But I'm worried deep down that I'm not dealing with it - just putting it off. Maybe I dealt with more than I thought over the summer from hell - that's my hope anyway. My girl is just amazing and keeps telling me to "be strong"!!

I analyse EVERYTHING so much that it just kills me and I sometimes have to say outloud "STOP". Like I said before, I wonder whether there is relief that he was the brave one to make the decision for us, whereas I would have carried on being unhappy - not all of the time, but I can admit now that it wasn't right. I'm a project manager and I HAVE to feel in control - my friend said that she's surprised I've not put this into Excel as I try to plan when I'll be "over it"!

I even think of them "together", and whilst it doesn't destroy me, I feel insanely jealous of the non-intimate things, such as cuddling, sharing a glass of wine, chatting - that's what I miss.

[ChilliAndMint]

I think you are being amazingly strong and I think you have done the right thing by being honest with your daughter.

I think he's been telling the truth about not having an affair with this woman; I think it's most likely a " coup de foudre" , and given that they don't really know each other they have little to base a lasting and sustainable relationship on.

It will ,I'm sure be very short lived, I feel for those poor girls.

You have known for some time that your ex have come to the end of the line . I wouldn't lose sleep over what he and his new woman are doing; I'm sure in reality it must be deeply uncomfortable for both of them, pretending to fit seamlessly into an established family unit when in reality they are almost strangers.

[Dollygirl2008]

You really are all amazing and I'm finding your replies really helpful - perhaps because you DONT know him, or have pre-conceived ideas.

I do want to scream at him "you total twat" - in fact, I think I have - several times - but if he'd gone an rented another house (we could have managed it - just) he could have had some time to "heal" and would have our daughter to stay. I just wish someone else would....

[fastdaytears]

Give me his number! I'll do it.

Honestly though, as much as you're 100% right, would he move out of new woman's house if you explained that to him? Or anyone else did? He's thoughtless and a bit thick (over this...) but he won't go back now.

I totally see why you're not keen for your DD to go there but an overnight stay with her dad would be good for her. Would he consider going camping or something? Or does he have family close by who could host a sleepover?

[Dollygirl2008]

ooooh you made me smile - the thought of you phoning him!!!

I've offered to move out, even for the whole weekend if he would stay at the house with our daughter. I could go to a friends or a Travelodge or something, but he's insistent, so I'm just not letting her go! I'm going out this Friday so he is coming to the house to look after her. I assume he'll get in the car and go back to "her" as soon as I get in, which will hurt, but then I don't want him there in the morning.

I guess its still early days and everything is just sooo raw. I just think he couldn't be on his own.

[ImperialBlether]

Well, I would imagine it will fall on its face, tbh. Those three girls are going to love having their mum's attention taken off them completely and put onto a man they've never seen and rarely (if ever) heard of before. I imagine the acting out has started already.

I think it's really shocking that he's moved in there without getting to know the children first - literally going from one family to another. I can't imagine that her friends will think much of that. I also can't imagine her children having many friends round; their parents will be looking twice at her now.

Also it won't be long before she realises he has a drink problem. She'll see how eager he is to finish the bottle, how irritable he is when there's no booze in. She'll see how every time he has a problem he reaches for a drink. You don't see that at work and I would think it would shock her.

Let them get on with it. Your home is quieter now an more peaceful. Enjoy it with your lovely daughter.

[EamonnHolmesisaPratt2]

dollygirl the reason you are feeling "OK" is because it has been so stressful for so long and you have spent so much time and effort trying to rectify the situation that you have had enough! There will be many days when you will not be "OK" - that is just a fact of life. I think that so many long term marriages/relationships falter now and break because men seem to think that they "deserve" happiness all the time. That's not realistic - life as a couple is bloody difficult at times...I think he is lying and has probably been seeing her all the time. Life at home can then be "rewritten" to justify his actions. What did I read on here yesterday? A man who complained his wife didn't sew buttons on his clothes? There's men who are not happy because their wife didn't meet them at the door when they came home at night? Mine - I hadn't thanked him for working for the family.

[Dollygirl2008]

Thank you - that last line made me smile and cry at the same time xxxxxx

[Dollygirl2008]

sorry - that was to "ImperialBlether" x

[Rivercam]

I see two possible explanations:

1)My first thought was maybe new friend was just giving him somewhere to stay, after moving out of yours. It could all be totally innocent (so far) and he could have been telling the truth.

2) he has had an affair with her, maybe emotional if not physical.

I've known a couple of break-ups where the dh has moved straight onto another family. I can never quite understand this. Msurely they need space to work things out first, and how can the new gf so quickly accept a man into their house, especially if children are present.

Wishing you and your daughter all the best.

[AnyFucker]

There are some men who cannot function without a woman to hold them up. He sounds like one of those twonks.

[ImperialBlether]

River, he isn't even pretending that his friend is just giving him somewhere to stay.

[BerylStreep]

Well it seems to have moved pretty fast. My bet is that him starting a relationship with her coincided with your relationship becoming bad. What were the main triggers for the arguments between you?

He's a real shit if he has moved in with this woman, whilst telling you that he isn't sure if he loves her. Not that I am expecting you to have sympathy for her, but just that it is a testament to his character.

If he has a drink / drugs issue, I very much doubt that the power of their love is going to sort it out.

I think for your own / DD's sake you just have to focus on yourselves, and try as far as possible not to dwell on what he is doing. I'm sure it doesn't feel like it now, but I'll bet life improves for you both without having constant arguments.

[Dollygirl2008]

by the way - did I mention that he's been sleeping with me all over the Summer??? Better than it has been in years........ I'm not sure even he is as low to be doing that to me AND her at the same time. I do feel in my heart that its been an "emotional" affair rather than a physical one.

[fastdaytears]

Oh that's really difficult Dolly. It would be much easier for you to understand if there hadn't been anything physical between the two of you for years.

[ImperialBlether]

Hate to tell you, Dollygirl, but you've been with him 28 years, not 26!

The fact is you won't ever know - that's really hard to cope with but it's a fact. You'll only know what he wants to tell you. Try not to torment yourself. It's very cruel of him to be sleeping with you and planning to leave - shows what a nasty bastard he really is.

[Dollygirl2008]

believe it or not, I typed my age wrong - I'm 44!!!!

[Inexperiencedchick]

STD check?

[DrMorbius]

Another searing piece of advice AnyFucker - although it didn't address any of the three issues requested by the Op. But hey that's not why you post is it

[Notasinglefuckwasgiven]

Sorry for you Dolly you're doing amazingly well though hen. You are healing using the time and space you have now to do it. He isn't. It will probably go tits up for him. My dds dad met, moved in with, proposed to and then split up with a girl over a 7 month period. You can't rush love and if you do it turns round and snaps the cock off you. Or tits.

[Dollygirl2008]

I seriously love you all!!!!!!!