Am I right to leave this relationship?

[wordscantdescribe]

I'm unsure if what I feel about dp and our relationship is right. I guess I'm looking for reassurance?
We have been together 12 years, 2dc. I've always felt unsure about us if I'm totally honest, but then I fell pregnant and we did the family thing, hiding behind the dc. Not really acknowledging us and focusing on them instead.
But now I want to leave. I feel trapped. I'm not happy, haven't been for a very long time. So much crap has happened and I can't take anymore. Yet I don't want to confront him yet as I need to have a clear head, & a solid plan.
I can't think straight so I'll bullet point
-we don't sleep in same bed. He always falls asleep on the sofa. Makes up a reason why he stays there. Says he'll come to bed but rarely does (a few times a year. It's that bad) have told him I dont like it but still falls asleep on sofa.
-have had sex about 3 times in the past year.

• rarely helps out at home
  

-leaves dc to me 90% of time

• doesn't put family time first. Always at work
  

-has been caught sexting someone else when dc1 was younger.
-incident 2 years ago when he was charged with ABH towards me
-weed smoker even though I hate it. Have just recently found out he still uses even though he repeatedly lied and said he doesn't for the past 3 years. Have found it in the house and he always says it's for someone else. I know, I'm a fool.

So I've had enough. I don't want the rest of my life with this tangled Web of shit. But after all this I still doubt myself and I don't know why

[wordscantdescribe]

I'm sorry if I don't make sense. My head space is crammed now

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

You make total sense. Get your ducks in a row and then leave.
Your relationship doesn't sound healthy at all.

[Fugghetaboutit]

So he's violent, cheats and does drugs? Sounds like a horrible mix for family life. What's the financial situ?

[wordscantdescribe]

That's the confirmation I need. I don't want to tell anyone irl as it's just embarrassing, frankly. I'm a total fool for staying this long. The financial situation isn't great- I'm a SAHM. Just started putting away small bits of money when I can for my final getaway, but that will take me ages to get to a decent amount for my dcs and I.

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

You are not a fool. Leaving the father of your children is a hard thing to do (been there, bought the tshirt).
But you sound like you are strong and able and that you can do it.
Your life will be so much better without this person dragging you down.

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

I think getting in touch with women's aid would be a good idea. You can do this!

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

And remember that you will be entitled to tax credits and child support.
What's the situation with your living arrangements? Renting or mortgage? Isb your name on the deeds?

[wordscantdescribe]

I did try to get in contact with women's aid when I was assaulted- the phone was engaged every time I rang. He said he'd go to see a councillor but I don't think he finished the course. Every time I try to break up with him we end up back together. I think that's why I feel so trapped. I want him to leave but he will argue about it, call me names but doesn't actually leave.

[wordscantdescribe]

Renting, in my name. So he'd need to leave. He won't though, he'd say he's sticking for the kids. I'm actually dreading when I tell him because it will either fall on deaf ears or end up in a blazing row.

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

If the rental is in your name, then he (from reading other threads on here) has no right to remain.
Keep on trying women's aid until you get through. Also go to citizens advice bureau. The help to get away from him is there but might need a lot of persistence on your part in order to get it.

[MoominPie22]

yes I agree to go to CAB and I would def advise against telling him you're leaving or actually leaving whilst alone with him. You're at high risk of him kicking off and it becoming violent. I've had a lot of past dealings with men who were potheads too, inc my mother's husband when growing up and a cpl of nob-head abusive partners ( coincidence?) ALL violent, unreasonable, paranoid bullies.

You do right to want a better standard of living for you and your kids. So go find out your rights and get empowered, girl. You only get one shot at life and you've invested enough time on this loser! Women could do a lot worse than actually listening to their gut instincts rather than their heads.

[Fugghetaboutit]

You're in a good position if renting in your name.

Try calling WA today early.

Apply online for tax credits/income support go to gov.uk to see what else you're entitled to.

Go to your local council for a housing benefit form - this can be done online with some councils.

Once that's all set up I would ask him to leave. You can do this, start New Year with a fresh start.

[Fugghetaboutit]

You do not have to tell your landlord you will be getting HA and the council cannot tell them so don't worry about that. You just need to provide them with tenancy lease and tell them your ex has moved out.

[pocketsaviour]

Please call WA for advice on getting him out. As long as you're not married, he has no right to remain in the house and you can call police to have him removed. As he has a history or violence towards you, the police should be very responsive.

Do you have a supportive family who would be able to give you emotional support so that you don't cave?

[Goodbetterbest]

Entitledto.com is very helpful to estimate your benefit situation.

Prepare a budget, look at all your expenses, outgoings and incoming money.

You can get an idea of how much maintenance you would be due on the gov,co,uk website.

I found it massively helpful to take some practical steps. Once you realise you can manage financially, it makes it easier.

Sometimes it just takes us a while to get to the point where we feel strong enough to leave. It is worth it for the sense of relief alone. I am happy, the house is a much more pleasant place to be, and the children are happy. He is part of my life and always will be because of them so I make the best of it and bear no hard feelings, despite what he has done. It's about moving forward, always moving forward.

When my XH left I felt like I was breathing clean air for the first time in years. Good luck OP.

[wordscantdescribe]

Thanks all. I know what I need to do, it's just doing it now and it's really daunting. I will call WA once the kids are in bed tonight, luckily he is away so he can't overhear me.
I feel numb. I feel like forgetting what I said and just carrying on as that's safer. Does that make sense? He makes me doubt myself. After all these years I've become immune to his behaviour. I just want that strength to actually do it. I don't know how to remain normal over Christmas day, acting like a doting partner and looking like a perfect family. Part of me wants to run NOW. Quick, painless like taking off a plaster. I know I need to play the long game, and I don't want to cave.

[Marchate]

If WA is busy, that's sadly because so many women need them over the Christmas period when violence and abuse escalate.
Keep trying x

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

Any joy in getting hold of women's aid?

[NA200712]

You need someone there with you when you ask him to leave, like a family member or friend. If he doesn't leave call the police, simple as that. You also need to get the locks changed, he doesn't sound like someone who will give back his key willingly!

You are being very smart about this, you do need a solid plan other wise he will just end up worming his way back in.

I hope all goes well for you!

[WishICouldFlyAway]

I think you need to take a big step and tell a few people. Once this has been done, you'll feel less trapped, it'll be more real and you'll have some real life support. Leaving is not easy, and in the short term can be harder than staying; but please don't condemn yourself to a lifetime of abuse out of fear of the unknown.

[wordscantdescribe]

I havent called WA yet, been with both dc today and haven't had the time. Plus, I wouldn't want dc1 to overhear.
Thank you for looking out for me, it helps me make these plans concrete and real. I think thats why I haven't told anyone in irl the true extent of what's been happening. They just think im moaning about him, joking about my useless dp.
Thats a good idea NA I do have a male friend who would be happy to stay with me whilst it happens. Would it be a good idea to stay for a few months whilst I squirrel away as much money as I can? Things are not 'bad' now, we get along amicably so I don't feel like I'm in immediate danger.

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

But please don't let him get wind of the fact that you are leaving, if you do that, he will go into 'panic abuser mode'.

[wordscantdescribe]

Yep I'll absolutely make sure that he won't Room101 we don't have sex and he doesn't sleep in the bed so thank goodness I don't have to dodge that.

[wordscantdescribe]

And thinking about it, 'panic abuser mode' sounds terrifying. I don't know what he's capable of. Last time I tried to leave he started to cut his wrists, with dc1 in the house. The police came quickly and sectioned him under the mental health act. Fuck, writing that all down looks serious. Why have I glossed over this for so long?!

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

Self harm tactics when you try and leave are classic techniques by abusive men. The first time I left my abusive ex-husband, he said he was going to kill himself as he had nothing left to live for. Over twelve years later, he is still alive and kicking sadly