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Relationships

Emotionally Unavailable?

55 replies

Parker08 · 14/12/2015 01:57

Hello all!

After 2 weeks of hell I'm finally eating and sleeping. I'm so upset, maybe you can give me some insight.

We had spoken off and on for months, but then he went after me hard and we started dating. He's a band manager and travels for a couple of months at a time, and he's been traveling for most of this year and I don't have a problem with it as I'm pretty independent.

He had the summer off so we spent a lot of time together, going out to eat, shopping, etc. The sex was amazing, he was super cuddly and we would spend hours talking about our lives. He went away for work for a few weeks and kept texting me, sweet emotional things and I knew he was falling for me. I was falling for him. We learned a lot about each other and always laughed and watched movies and felt comfortable with one another.

We had a few days together and they were nice. He went on his trip and shortly after he texted me and told me he loves me. I reciprocated and Was super happy.

That was three months ago. He started going 3 or 4 days without texting me and would claim to be busy. We would still have conversations and he would still be lovely so I gave him space and didn't push him. He's been divorced for a long time and doesn't like to fall in love, so I didn't want to pressure him. He mentioned that girls in the past have had a problem with his traveling.

I would be super nervous when it would be 4 days without a text, but he would always come back and be loving. I did want to have a Skype session but I never asked.

But then the days without hearing from him grew. He would ignore my texts (just little nice texts saying I missed him and such. I would send one every 2 days or so) yet would be on social media. I lost it after seeing a bunch of girls on his Facebook page and called him out. He has a bit of a reputation and I'm not stupid. We had a huge fight and I thought that was it. A week later he was back and calling me a pet name. I told him I missed him 2 days later. Nothing. I texted him again a week after. Nothing.

I'm very confused. I do think he's seeing other girls(we never had the talk but had a conversation before he left that we weren't sleeping with other people). He had the chance to end it when we fought, but he didn't. Then he came back and now it's been 2 weeks.

7 months and he just disappears? I'm heartbroken. I haven't asked him what is going on or why he's doing this because I don't want to lose my dignity.

I've read about EU men and he does follow some of the patterns, like popping in and out of my life, but he's never gone 2 weeks without contacting me and he has been pretty emotional with me in the past. We always spent the night together at his place and cuddled.

I keep thinking he's in Europe having sex with all these girls and has forgotten me. I wonder if he even misses me at all. It makes me sad and i was always so good to him.

He could have just broken it off when we fought and blocked me. I'm so confused why he's silent.

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Parker08 · 14/12/2015 02:00

Just as a follow up I have not texted him in a week and I don't plan to again. I simply said I hope he's well.

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antimatter · 14/12/2015 02:07

He is keeping you on a back burner just in case he needs a kiss and a cuddle.

Do you want to be treated lije that?

Block and delete him from your phone and FB too.
It will hurt more if you won't.

Treat the last 7 months as a lesson and move on.
Shit happens and you will get over him.

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MuttonWasAGoose · 14/12/2015 02:17

He'll be back. Ignore him.

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Parker08 · 14/12/2015 02:41

Thanks for reading my long post. It's so weird-I didn't get player vibes from him. Always kept his phone out but only would check it when I checked mine, would hold my hand, no booty calls.

I'm pretty hurt, because I did think he loved me. Thanks again, everyone. I really appreciate it in this hard time.

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Heyitsholly · 14/12/2015 02:49

Looks like hes had a change of heart.
Your worth better than an occaional text. Move on. However hard.
Good luck

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Parker08 · 14/12/2015 02:49

Sorry I forgot to add that prior to the pull back he was contacting me just about daily and seemed interested in my day and told me about his.

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Parker08 · 14/12/2015 02:54

It is so hard because initially I wasn't so sure about him, but he was persistent in getting to know me and I fell in love a few months later.

I'm just confused why a middle aged man can't just tell me he's breaking it off. He's pretty blunt. I would rather that than be ignored.

I considered that he developed feelings and got scared. He's been single for a long time. He also has a sick father so there's stress.

None of it explains being loving one moment and ignoring me the next. I've never been to cling or be dramatic so just tell me it's over!

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daisychain01 · 14/12/2015 04:02

You aren't a priority to him

He can pick you up or dump you depending on how he's feeling at the time, whether he's busy or has some spare time to kill.

One minute he's super affectionate then silence.

Doesn't sound good, does it? That's because it isn't good, it's a non relationship.

he developed feelings and got scared stop making excusing for him, he's an adult.

I'd move on as quickly as you can and block him from your life.

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daisychain01 · 14/12/2015 04:05

If you have to resort to making assumptions about how you think someone is feeling, and being forced to join-the-dots because that person isn't invested enough in you to make that clear, then it's dead in the water, I'm afraid.

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Parker08 · 14/12/2015 04:10

It's just so awful an adult resorts to ghosting instead of saying it's over. Who does that?!

i know I'm being a big baby, but hearing someone say he loves you and putting in the time only to disappear is very hurtful.

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FrancisdeSales · 14/12/2015 05:08

The person who does that as a PP said is someone who wants to keep you in reserve and not completely end it in case he's low on women wanting some excitement and a shag.

You are being way too understanding I'm afraid. Find someone who doesn't blow hot and cold but wants what you want.

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timeforabrewnow · 14/12/2015 06:08

He may be a middle-aged man, but he's acting immature + pathetic. I met a few of this type in my 20s. He doesn't want a confrontation, and just think he'll keep things 'ticking along' so he has someone when he comes back from being on tour.

You're not being a 'big baby' - as his behaviour is hurtful and unkind. Move on and leave him behind.

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antimatter · 14/12/2015 08:16

Age and emotional maturity don't always go together.
Don't invest mote of your emotions into someone who isn't on the same page as you.

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timelytess · 14/12/2015 08:19

Sounds like he's moved on but wants you on hold in case he's lonely at a later date.

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miserylurvescompany · 14/12/2015 08:30

I have had this before.

I understand your confusion.

Thing is both people don't always walk into things with the same end goal. If his end goal is not to find ms Right and settle down then he will consider your arrangement temporary.

Yes this is EA and it's commitment shy. Doesn't matter how much he likes you...he just doesn't want the same thing.

The closer you get the further he will run.

To try and keep your dignity don't feel rejected . He chose and wanted you. He just doesn't choose or want a long term relationship

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FredaMayor · 14/12/2015 09:23

he's in Europe having sex with all these girls and has forgotten me.

Quite so. He is a player, you should get yourself checked for STIs and block his number. Unless you are a masochist this relationship has zero future to change, just to massively waste your time.

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Intheprocess · 14/12/2015 11:11

he developed feelings and got scared

I think what this means is that he started to develop feelings for you, then decided he didn't want those feelings and drew back. There's nothing you can do to change this, even if he really is a nice guy (and not a player) his lifestyle means he can justify to himself the way he's treating you. "I really like Parker08 but I just don't have time".

This isn't going to improve, I'm afraid. Don't get yourself in a place where you think this is you doing something wrong, or that there's anything you can do to change things. It's just the way he is - he may not want to hurt you, but he will all the same.

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HotNatured · 14/12/2015 11:52

he developed feelings and got scared

You are deluding yourself. If someone develops feelings for someone, they want to be with that person, not avoid them. Sorry, I've been where you are, it bloody hurts, but rip the plaster off and move on with your life, you really do not need someone like this fucking around with your head and emotions, life is too short.

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RedMapleLeaf · 14/12/2015 11:59

You've been together 7 months but the last 3 months of that have been unhappy. When he started to ignore your texts for 3 or 4 days, that was the time to call it a day.

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miserylurvescompany · 14/12/2015 12:03

he developed feelings and got scared

I think what this means is that he started to develop feelings for you, then decided he didn't want those feelings and drew back. There's nothing you can do to change this, even if he really is a nice guy (and not a player) his lifestyle means he can justify to himself the way he's treating you. "I really like Parker08 but I just don't have time"

I really do believe this. Sorry, I don't agree with HotNatured at all. Some people are in places in their lives, or have issues with intimacy and attachment where they don't want to have "feelings" for people and they do everything they can to talk themselvs out of it.

It's not a case og him not being into you, just not being into love. And he really doesn't want that. He will feel all the happy feelings when he is with you, then talk himself out of it when he's not with you by whatever means necessary.

The idea that this is "deluding yourself" is wrong. Because emotionally unavailable people won't fall in love with ANYONE. Hence the exact reason to run for the hills. No matter how wonderful things are he won't commit and give you what you deserve and want.

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RedMapleLeaf · 14/12/2015 12:21

How many times have you seen a man be "not ready for love" with one woman only to immediately fall head over heels for the right one?

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Parker08 · 14/12/2015 12:29

I just wish he had never said he loved me, I was the one, and talked about our future. This was well after we began seeing each other so he had no reason to lead me on.

He also knows I'm not the type to jump up and run over to see him when he needs a shag. Nope, not going to happen. I don't do that.

I wish he would be honest with me. 7 months deserves an ending. I thought after the fight he was gone and I was prepared for that-I confronted him knowing that would be the result. But he came back so this silence confuses me.

Was I being too demanding by asking for more contact than an "I miss you" crumb every 3 days? If a person can post to Facebook he can send a text or make a quick call.

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Parker08 · 14/12/2015 12:53

I think what's so upsetting to me is I knew he had been single for a while so I was pretty guarded for a while and figured I would just see where it went since I liked him.

He was the first one to get emotional so I figured "OK, I'll let my feelings develop".

I have visited while he was traveling(he asked me so I went and stayed with him in Portugal for a few days when he had some free time) and we had a bunch of wine and he proceeded to tell me nobody loves him or cares about him. This was earlier on and we hadn't started getting emotional quite yet. That and his family problems clued me in that he has some issues.

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HotNatured · 14/12/2015 13:03

Exactly RedMapleLeaf

I stand by what I said, all this 'tortured soul' Hmm nonsense is just that, nonsense. If a man really loves you, he will move mountains to be with you. That's the bottom line.

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miserylurvescompany · 14/12/2015 13:04

How many times have you seen a man be "not ready for love" with one woman only to immediately fall head over heels for the right one?

Honestly, I never have but I am sure it does happen!

My point is that from my experience in the dating world it is 50% what they think of you (do they fancy you, enjoy your company?) and 50% where they are at (are the looking for commitment? do they want to settle down?)

A man who likes you quite a lot, fancies you, enjoys your company and thinks you tick all his boxes who is looking to settle down is far more likely to be a good partner - whether you end up married or not.

One who is spouting commitment issues and fera of intimacy is almost always going to make a bad partner.

Sure they might meet Mrs Right who changes all of that, but the point is to avoid the ones who are "not ready" or not in the right headspace and not take it personally.

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