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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

I think I am going to leave the family home

36 replies

Wryip11 · 04/12/2015 18:57

so what do I need to think about? Housing for me is an obvious issue as I am happy for dh and dcs to stay in family home. My job finshes in 6 weeks so I will not only be homeless but unemployed too.
How hard will it be for the dcs (young teenagers) to come to terms with, should I still see them or make a clean break? That is my hardest thing - what it will do to them but I have to go now before anything worse happens

OP posts:

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Gazelda · 04/12/2015 18:58

This sounds like a huge step to take. Do you want to talk about what's been happening for you to reach this decision?

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HPsauciness · 04/12/2015 19:00

Wyrip11 it sounds like you are having some type of crisis or breakdown to imagine that your young teens would be better off not seeing you again.

Why do you feel you need to leave? What could get worse?

It may be that taking a break or leaving might be best for your sanity, but it is not likely to be good for theirs.

As for not having contact with them at all, I can only imagine you are not thinking straight to have even suggested this as an option.

Could you go to your GP and tell them you are feeling desperate and want to leave the family home?

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Finola1step · 04/12/2015 19:01

Wryip11, you are perfectly entitled to end your relationship. But are you seriously considering walking away from your own dc?

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NameChange30 · 04/12/2015 19:05

"I have to go now before anything worse happens"

This suggests that something bad has already happened or is happening. Can you tell us more? Are you struggling with depression or other mental health problems at the moment?

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ALaughAMinute · 04/12/2015 19:14

"How hard will it be for the dcs (young teenagers) to come to terms with, should I still see them or make a clean break?"

It will be terribly hard for your children, they may never get over it.

Please don't abandon your children, especially just before Christmas.

You are obviously going through difficult times, do you want to talk about it?

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Katiekatiekatiekay · 04/12/2015 19:18

It's hard to say without more information but assuming you haven't hurt them, they would not be better off without you. They'll see it as abandonment & will cause them psychological problems no doubt. Try and sort out your relationship with them? sorry you are feeling like this

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ALaughAMinute · 04/12/2015 19:27

OP,

I feel concerned for you that you are thinking of abandoning your children and family home and you won't have a job in 6 weeks or anywhere to live.

Come back and talk to us so we can help you.

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pocketsaviour · 04/12/2015 21:23

OP, please let us know a bit more about what's going on. Things sound very complex. Have you posted before?

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pocketsaviour · 04/12/2015 21:43

OP I hope this isn't intrusive but I had a look for some of your older posts. I can see you are very vulnerable right now and it seems your mental health has worsened.

Are you wanting to leave the family because you feel they are making your mental health worse? Have you discussed this plan with your DH?

I can tell you that for any child (no matter the age really) a parent walking away and cutting off contact will have a massive negative impact on the child's mental health. Even if that parent was unwell and parenting poorly, abandonment is going to hurt even more.

If you need to take time away from the family to sort your head out, that's one thing, but you need to explain this carefully to your DC and maintain contact with them.

Please reach out to people around you for help. DH, friends, colleagues?

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willowcatkin111 · 05/12/2015 01:17

I am the OP - can only sign in on my work computer with other name as have forgotten all the passwords!
Dh is driving me up the wall - only this morning after I made us tea he was crying & moping about, and tonight he was yelling at the kids and throwing things. I really cannot take any more of this - last time I 'cracked' I ended up 'missing' for three days then in A&E.
There are only so many times you can pick yourself up and I've done it far too many times. I'm tired of it all. I don't see a future that isn't full of pain as always. The more pressure i put on myself to 'conform' (stay at home / work) the worse the outbreak when it finally comes.
I figure leaving now would be better than the alternative, at least the dcs won't be worrying about where i am if they don't expect me to be around. Then if I do end up in hospital again they would not need to know.
I really cannot think beyond getting out at the moment.
HP I do not have a GP atm - deregistered last time i failed (winding up 'loose' ends)
Pocket - no way I have mentioned it to dh - he would go ballistic! Children's services are already 'involved' with the dc so if they did react badly at least they might get some help - at the moment they are getting nothing, just a load of waffle and planning but nothing concrete as there is no funding and they are not 'bad enough'.

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dontcallmecis · 05/12/2015 05:54

I say this kindly, but it doesn't sound as if either of you are capable of caring for them at the moment. Is that true, do you think?

So the next step you should take, should be about their welfare.

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wannabestressfree · 05/12/2015 06:03

Am with call me. Leaving them with your husband is not a good idea is it? As they are involved with SS can you ring and speak to them?
I mean this in the nicest possible way but please don't do this to your children . Get help. Get support. Sort out the GP or go to a and e to get meds. My dad used to disappear and its so bloody selfish.....put them first.

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NameChange30 · 05/12/2015 10:41

"tonight he was yelling at the kids and throwing things"

Please don't leave your kids with them. Please talk to social services. If you tell them how desperate you are they should be able to help you.

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NameChange30 · 05/12/2015 10:41

Correction: Please don't leave your kids with him.

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ILiveAtTheBeach · 05/12/2015 12:10

So, you're going to leave your children with this abusive man? Think about what you are saying. And what's more you may disappear? You need to stay in the home with the kids. He has to leave. Next time he throws stuff at you, call the Police. He will be arrested and you will get breathing space and time to change the locks.

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Dontyouopenthattrapdoor · 05/12/2015 12:14

OP would you feel more able to cope at home if he left?

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pocketsaviour · 05/12/2015 18:39

I figure leaving now would be better than the alternative, at least the dcs won't be worrying about where i am if they don't expect me to be around. Then if I do end up in hospital again they would not need to know.

You are thinking this way because you are deep in the mouth of depression (and that fucker bites.)

I can assure you that your DC would not just go "Oh Mum left, never mind, we'll just carry on regardless" and not be affected. In many ways, you leaving them would be more scarring for them than if you were hospitalised again. Because the latter is because you are demonstrably ill, but the former will appear that you've done it because you don't give a shiny shit about them.

You clearly both need urgent help. What was your H crying about? Is the shouting and throwing things (at someone? or just chucking stuff about?) new behaviour?

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willowcatkin111 · 06/12/2015 11:06

Thanks all; I was out all day yesterday with ds (and will be most of today with dd).
Social services would never agree to me looking after the children on my own - they see dh as the 'perfect parent' and me as the devil. Besides I could not cope with them, the house and work on my own, and if he leaves it would mean selling the house anyway as I could not afford to maintain it, which would be dreadful for the dcs.
He has always yelled / thrown things when angry (very rarely at people), it just seems to be getting worse / more often. Yesterday he threw a (coffee) table across the landing! He wouldn't tell me what he was crying about; he has a counsellor he sees fortnightly but I think she just reinforces the position that all the problems stem from me.
The dcs won't talk to him so he just ends up talking 'at' them and they ignore it so a self perpetuating circle. No one listens to them or me about how he treats them.
NHS won't give me meds; they talk about therapy but not until I am more 'stable' - again vicious circle as I cannot get stable without some kind of help which I cannot access until I am! I have been getting some immediate crisis work but that is ending as they are transferring me a different team which don't do that.
I thought that if I left and tried to get my head together without dh I might avoid another trip to A&E - because some time I am not going to make it and deep down that is not really what I want, I just cannot see any way out of this perpetual spiral.

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anotherbusymum14 · 06/12/2015 11:27

I am sorry to hear it is so hard for you and I understand you are needing help. I really don't have any answers but like the other posters hope you can find a solution that means you don't have to leave your children there. I think you need to keep in contact with your children even if you decide to leave just to try and sort your head out or something. I totally get that you want to leave but also think this will make you more vulnerable. Please see a doctor and tell them what you are wanting to do. This is a big decision please don't make it without consulting someone else in RL first.

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NameChange30 · 06/12/2015 11:48

Have you spoken to Women's Aid about your partner and his behaviour? Please call them on 0808 2000 247 (24 hours).

I realise it's not simple as you yourself have mental health problems. But see what they advise.

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Wryip11 · 08/12/2015 09:18

He's not violent towards me just things. Not bad enough to speak to Women's Aid thanks - they must have much worse cases to help.
I am looking for a flat now, have briefly mentioned it to ds - he is not happy but understands (I think). Will talk to dd tomorrow.
Still feel this is the only way forward .

OP posts:

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NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 09:23

Being violent with things is still violence; it's aggressive and threatening. It's included in the list of things that specialist organisations (including Women's Aid) categorise as abuse: see What is domestic abuse?

They exist to help everyone in an abusive relationship and that includes you. You deserve their support just as much as anyone else. Please, please call them. You won't be wasting their time.

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TopOfTheCliff · 08/12/2015 09:27

I left the family home to get away from an abusive man. It was very hard to leave my (older) DC there and they were very angry and hurt for a long time. Your H is abusive and probably causing a lot of your MH issues. Please give Womens Aid a chance to help you all! Once the FOG clears you will see how he has ground you down. Just because he doesn't throw the table AT you doesnt mean he isn't intimidating you.
Try to be strong a little while longer. There are people who could help, and your DC need you!

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phoenix1973 · 08/12/2015 09:37

Please don't leave your kids. They may not appear to outwardly need you but my God, they do.
Please get medical help for what sounds like terrible depression.
There is no shame in it. Sounds like your husband/oh needs to get medical help for his own issues too.

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sakura · 08/12/2015 09:45

How awful that people in authority see him as the perfect parent, when he is far from it and is undoubtedly the root cause of your distress.
Throwing things is threatening behavior designed to keep you cowed and inline. I think keeping yourself out of hospital is more important than anything right now.
If that means leaving and setting yourself up alone, then do it.
There is a link on another thread about an interview with a woman who left her children and moved into a flat, when asked himiw she felt upon moving into her new place, she replied "fabulous".
I am one who left an awful relationship and found that my mental health immediately improved a thousandfold. This will happen to you too.
I wish there was a way you could leave and keep your children but if social services and other professionals have decided that your H is perfect, despite his abusive ways, then there's really not much you can do to change that.
Leaving does NOT mean cutting contact with your children. There's no doubt in my mind that they will eventually want to live with you once they are old enough to decide.
Good luck OP