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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Should he know its his baby

39 replies

Babealicious38 · 28/11/2015 11:48

I have a male friend who was in a relationship with someone. She cheated on him and he broke the relationship up. She came back and said she is pregnant however the figures didn't add up for it to be my friends child. However the other guy doesn't know this and she is now going to terminate the other guys baby 13 weeks into pregnancy. He believes she is terminating my friends child and is planning a life with her. Does he have a right to know the truth?

OP posts:

Report

AuntieStella · 28/11/2015 11:57

Yes, I think things are always on a sounder footing when based on the truth.

But as you have only hearsay for when she slept with whom, the only person who really knows the truth is the woman concerned. If this is not you, stand well clear.

goddessofsmallthings · 28/11/2015 12:01

It's her body, her choice, and her decision as to what she tells others.

I suggest you avoid any temptation to stick your oar in get involved in this situation and keep whatever you have surmised about the 'figures' to yourself as you may be wrong.

louisejxxx · 28/11/2015 12:02

Not your place to say anything, whether she's in the wrong or not.

Cabrinha · 28/11/2015 12:07

No. Ultimately - her body her decision.
She shouldn't have cheated, but perhaps she really sees a potential future with the new man and needs to be sure that's not influenced or impacted by throwing a baby into the relationship too soon.

Maybe she just doesn't want a baby now. Her business.

Babealicious38 · 28/11/2015 12:08

AuntieStella definitely not me
Its not actually me that is thinking about telling him. My friend feels somewhat compromised that she is terminating the baby in his name.

OP posts:

Enjolrass · 28/11/2015 12:18

If I were you friend I would be telling him.

I wouldn't want my ex using me as an excuse to terminate a pregnancy.

What she does with her own body is up to her. If she started bringing me into her lies to cover up, then I wouldn't be ok with that.

goddessofsmallthings · 28/11/2015 12:22

She won't be termininating anything in your friend's name as she won't have been asked, or be asked, who the father is.

If he ended a relationship with her because she cheated, I would have thought he'd be relieved that he's not going to to spend the next 18 years having dealings with her and paying child maintenance or is that his male pride is dented and he wants to get back at her in some way?

Babealicious38 · 28/11/2015 12:22

Enjolrass that's what he thinks also. He thinks the guy has a right to at least have a discussion about he future of their unborn baby.
I am not sure as I wonder what good it would do.

OP posts:

Babealicious38 · 28/11/2015 12:24

goddessofsmallthings she has clearly told her boyfriend that the baby is not his and belongs to my friend. However she agrees with my friend that the baby is categorically not his.

OP posts:

Enjolrass · 28/11/2015 12:40

She won't be termininating anything in your friend's name as she won't have been asked, or be asked, who the father is.

Yes she has

Enjolrass · 28/11/2015 12:41

I don't think it would do much good tbh.

But I wouldn't be party to this.

The boyfriend either thinks your friends wants rid of the baby (thinking a it's his) or is in the dark about it.

She is bringing your friend into her lie. I wouldn't be ok with that.

goddessofsmallthings · 28/11/2015 13:01

The woman in question will not have been, or be, asked who the father is by the hospital/clinic who perform the termination, Enjolrass therefore any termination will be carried out in her name and her name only.

Enjolrass · 28/11/2015 13:04

goddess we disagree on terminology.

The woman in question is telling her boyfriend she is terminating because the baby is her exs.

So from my point of view she is doing it in his name as far as her relationship goes.

I am not talking about her dealings with the medical professionals. Neither is the OP as far as I can see.

Babealicious38 · 28/11/2015 13:04

Enjorlass do you think he should discuss it with her or just tell the guy?

OP posts:

Babealicious38 · 28/11/2015 13:06

She won't be terminating anything in your friend's name as she won't have been asked, or be asked, who the father is.

This is not in relation to professionals. We agree that ultimately what she does is her decision but his concern is that she is lying about the paternity of the baby to her boyfriend in order to facilitate the termination and her relationship

OP posts:

SnakesandKnives · 28/11/2015 13:12

She clearly wants to end the pregnancy whoevers 'baby to be' it is

If current boyfriend is told that actually it's his.......and his response is 'I am totally opposed to that, I desperately want the baby, you can't kill my unborn child' what will then happen? I just can't see how telling him will in any way be positive here? Equally I can see why your friend feels uncomfortable about it...

Very unusual quandary this one

Helmetbymidnight · 28/11/2015 13:12

Why has the original guy got back with her? I think he's making a mistake.

Now the original guy wants her to tell the other guy that she's having a termination. Why? Whats the point?

Helmetbymidnight · 28/11/2015 13:14

Ah, I've got it wrong haven't I?

Finola1step · 28/11/2015 13:23

I think in this situation, keep well out of it.

She has made the decision to terminate. Your friend can get on with his life in the knowledge that he is well out of this messy situation.

For whatever reason, she has decided to terminate. Yes, for the sake of being truthful, she should tell her new bf that the pregnancy is indeed as a result of their relationship and not your friend's. But it is for her to tell him. The third person involved in this IMO would be well within their rights to say that the dates don't match in his opinion and leave that information there.

There is of course another possibility. That there is a third man involved.

Enjolrass · 28/11/2015 13:29

It would depends on the relationship I had with her.

tuilamum · 28/11/2015 13:39

Yes its her decision to terminate whatever the situation, but the father does have a right to at least know that this baby is his.
If she doesn't want the baby because she doesn't want a baby then she can terminate anyway but what if she's terminating because she thinks this guys will walk out on her if she said she was pg with his baby? What if this guy would actually be supportive of her in having the baby?
In my opinion I think your friend should talk to this girl about telling her bf the truth, because whilst it is her body and she can of course choose to do as she wishes with it, it is still his baby and he should at least be aware of that fact.

Enjolrass · 28/11/2015 14:01

There is of course another possibility. That there is a third man involved.

I wondered this.

Tbh if I was her new boyfriend and I found out down the line, I would be pissed off that the relationship am started on such a monumental lie.

It's not healthy to start a relationship this way.

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Enjolrass · 28/11/2015 14:02

There is of course another possibility. That there is a third man involved.

I wondered this.

Tbh if I was her new boyfriend and I found out down the line, I would be pissed off that the relationship am started on such a monumental lie.

It's not healthy to start a relationship this way.

category12 · 28/11/2015 14:08

She gets to make her own choices and she clearly doesn't want to continue the pregnancy. What difference does it make who the father is? He doesn't get to change her decision.

timelytess · 28/11/2015 14:11

Its not up to you to decide, OP. Leave it to her.
Its her body. She is the only one who can make the decision.

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