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H 'is leaving' (again...)

(37 Posts)
OldGreyCat Wed 25-Nov-15 12:47:11

I am married 14 years (tog 17).
2 kids, aged 11 and 8. Eldest has SEN.
Marriage not been in good shape for a long time.
(H has his own bedroom, comes in from work and doesn't even acknowledge me, goes off to bed without saying anything to me or kids etc). H doesn't cope well with stress and due to a number of factors (£, housing, school, my health) there has been stress for a long long time. Neither of us have supportive family. I am aware of this and large nc, he is still in FOG with his. It is my first marriage and his second (his first wife divorced him).

Whenever the 'shit hits the fan' re life, H says he will leave as 'I make his life a misery'. He has left a few times, for a few days each time. There isn't enough money to leave properly so he comes back. I have been considering re-locating for some time as the kids aren't doing well or at all happy in school and the house is too expensive and would be difficult to manage on my own (would need to sell it though, and nothing selling around here). I know I probably 'should' stay in the house, but I really don't want to, for so many reasons. So, it seems wise for me and kids to re-locate. H says he won't relocate with us but will 'visit at weekends'. Due to a number of circs it is hard to find another place to live (I'd need HB and finding a private landlord to accept is hard).

H is increasingly impatient with this. I viewed a rental y'day. I don't know if they'd accept HB yet. H quizzed me last night as I was trying to cook as to 'when you are going?'. When I didn't give a date (and asked him to stop swearing at me) he said in that case he is going 'this weekend'.
Great sad We are supposed to be having a 'Birthday Weekend' for him (he's 50 today) so the kids will notice any changes of plans. Just before Christmas too. He picks his moments (he's done this sort of thing before).

Sorry for whinge - have difficult meeting with school this arvo too, so could have done without him pulling this today (he ALWAYS does this when my back is absolutely against the wall).

ImperialBlether Wed 25-Nov-15 12:53:33

Oh god, that sounds really tough.

So if you leave will the house be sold? I think houses can always be sold at the right price - that might not be the price you want/can afford to sell at, though.

He sounds a complete pain in the neck. I wouldn't go overboard on the celebrations, tbh; he won't appreciate them.

Hope your meeting at school goes well.


lalalonglegs Wed 25-Nov-15 13:00:30

Use his absence from the house to get some estate agents round to discuss prices and marketing it. If/when he comes back, you can speak to him about finances: the house is likely to sell for (not be marketed at) for which will leave £xxx after costs. I suggest we split that amount in such a way and I take my share to blah and get a house/flat there.

OldGreyCat Wed 25-Nov-15 13:06:19

Thank you, Imperial.
I know others are having it tougher, but it feels tough to me right now, I think because I am already so exhausted.

Yes, house would have to be sold. I have called a number of agents and they have said that 'even perfectly nice houses at low prices' are not selling where we are, so that's not great. He could stay in it for all I care but HB requires you to sell it (reasonable enough) and there isn't money to pay for me and kids to rent without HB, iyswim?

Kids have wrapped small gifts (which he bought!) and are expecting to go and stay over at a campsite (we are broke so celebrations would never have chance to be 'overboard' wink). I wonder if he'll go before then? It wouldn't surprise me, tbh.

He did this on ds b'day when he was 9. He didn't even tell him, just said he was 'staying with a friend' when he'd told me he was never coming back. To celebrate ds b'day, we'd arranged a museum and pizza in big town 30m away (I don't drive) for ds and his 4 friends and a friend kindly helped me take kids up on bus. H strolled into the café like he'd not a care in the world and didn't speak to me for the entire 'party'. Ds asked me about it the other week - he'd worked out that H was not just 'staying with a friend'. sad

Thanks for School meeting good wishes - I'll need them.
H will just sit there with a face like a fish, I expect.

<the dam has been unstoppered now and I wont be able to stop slagging him off, will I? sad I don't want to be that person, but it takes two to parent and he has simply absolved himself of all responsibility for years now>

OldGreyCat Wed 25-Nov-15 13:08:16

lala there wont be any to split - we will be lucky to get out without negative equity. That's why we've been stuck together for so long, I think.

ravenmum Wed 25-Nov-15 13:08:39

I'm not clear about the situation: you are planning to move out and leave him, but you are still having a party together? Is this because you want to keep things normal for the kids or because it isn't a real, official separation somehow?

CocktailQueen Wed 25-Nov-15 13:11:03

H has his own bedroom, comes in from work and doesn't even acknowledge me, goes off to bed without saying anything to me or kids etc)

He sounds absolutely dysfunctional and the whole relationship sounds awful for your dc. Why on earth are you celebrating his bday if he has checked so far out of family life? Twat.

I'd put the house on the market and get going. Leave your dh. What does he bring to your lives?

OldGreyCat Wed 25-Nov-15 13:28:28

No not planning to move out and leave him.
We have both wanted to move for some time.
Tried to sell house but no luck so took it back off market.
Need energy (and £) to put it back on.
Want to move to next door county (for schools). H agrees this would be best plan but says he 'doesn't want to come with us'.
If I don't go, he will. Have been at this stalemate for some time.
I'd need HB to pay for a rental and not easy to find one which will accept HB.
The Party ref to was for my ds a couple of years ago.
But yes, was planning on giving small gifts and having a 'day out' at weekend re H as it is what the kids want to do and it seemed petty not to?

'What does he bring to your lives?' Nothing to mine.
A bit to the kids but not what it should be. I suspect he will be a much better weekend Dad (though he thinks he can stay over in a HB rental and I'll cook him Sunday Dinner as usual! if this doesnt' happen he will be quite happy to make me the witch in front of the kids) than a full time one. He wants the 11 year old to go to bed at 7pm and expects them to eat in silence at dinner time (they don't, the kids and I chat about our days / the world etc whilst H sits in stony silence).

P1nkP0ppy Wed 25-Nov-15 13:34:46

He's coming close to being the biggest waste of space I've ever heard of! What a pity he doesn't F off for good.
I'm beyond words for what I think of him.

Epilepsyhelp Wed 25-Nov-15 13:38:52

Frankly I would be jumping with joy at the thought of him leaving. I think the kids might be shocked and upset but they would soon feel how much better the atmosphere was. Can you afford your current house without H? Clearly you can't move so it makes sense to stay there just you and the kids at least til it is sold.

OldGreyCat Wed 25-Nov-15 13:44:40

No, cant afford it without him.
also it is on 4 floors and I am in the middle of 6 operations for my mobility so actually keeping it clean and tidy would terrify me.
I'd like a fresh start with the kids.

(one thing he will do is clean the floors - nowt else, no cooking, washing, shopping, doesn't take kids to school or collect, and wont change his working hours re a part time job I was offered either).

Why does he ALWAYS do it around B'days / Xmas / or anything difficult for me? He's like ruddy clockwork! Honestly, if there is a problem we need to face as a family, I am just waiting for the' I'm leaving you' text.

I realise I sound pretty pathetic here sad

meiisme Wed 25-Nov-15 13:51:17

You don't sound pathetic at all, he does. You sound caring, with your head on your shoulders and looking for a way out of a miserable situation. He sounds manipulative, controlling and trying to put responsibility for life on other people's shoulders.

peasareevilcreatures Wed 25-Nov-15 13:54:18

Watch out with the HB, I don't know if things have changed since 2010 but when I claimed it I was only able to receive it for 6 months then they stopped paying, as I jointly owned the marital home that I'd left.

P1nkP0ppy Wed 25-Nov-15 13:55:20

YOU're not pathetic; he's an abuser, a manipulative emotional abuser to you and your DCs.
He does it around occasions because that has the maximum impact on all of you. It's mind games and he's a sick individual.
What a bastard.

OldGreyCat Wed 25-Nov-15 14:09:05


that's made me cry - but in a good way -thank you.

I've been sitting here trying not to, but the effort of that is making it impossible to formulate a plan of what I need to say at school this afternoon.

Now I've 'got it all out' a bit, I can make some head space, get through the meeting and then get through the rest of the day.


OldGreyCat Wed 25-Nov-15 14:17:51

Yes, with the HB I was told marital home has to go on market within a month and if after 6m no sale I would be expected to 'keep dropping' the price until it sells, even if in negative equity.
I understand that it's to stop benefit abuse but it would be less scary if it were off my hands totally.

Certainly nothing is ever 'his fault'.
Typical eg would be: he would offer to make a cup of tea - then not do it (he'll go and sweep leaves / tidy corner of basement etc with a big grin on his face). If I (was stupid enough to) say something like: 'did you put the kettle on?' he would treat me to a 10 mins diatribe of why he didn't ('I wont do it right and you will have a go at me' and why it 'wasn't his fault' - any number of reasons). If I make the tea myself he will huff that he was 'about to do it' and refuse to drink his cup. When I write it down it seems so childish.
The effort he puts into this is astonishing. It ALWAYS HAS TO BE SOMEONE'S fault but never his. It is all his energy, all the time.

The kids are starting to do the same. If someone knocks something over at the dinner table (ds is dyspraxic so it happens a lot) they will instantly explain why 'it wasn't their fault'. I just tell them it was an accident and we get a cloth, it's no big deal!

LeaLeander Wed 25-Nov-15 14:22:21

Many dysfunctional people have flare-ups at holidays, birthdays etc. - it's very common.

OP do you work or have any source of income? Have you seriously investigated what benefits might come to you if you were on your own with children? What is your schedule for additional surgeries?

Can you sign away your interest in the house in order to get housing benefits? Or explain to the HB people that it's not an asset as there is likely negative equity?

This is a horrible situation for all involved. Have you no family you could live with, or friends, for a while?

OldGreyCat Wed 25-Nov-15 14:28:54

Yes, have checked benefits and would be ok for about 6m then less so.
Surgery - waiting to hear (its gone on a long long time)

No, cant sign away interest in house re HB - I asked.

Re family - just my mother who is 350miles away

Jan45 Wed 25-Nov-15 17:10:55

Tbh if another human being treated me with the contempt your OH does I'd seriously be inclined to change the locks when he took off on one of his jaunts away, not right I know but I don't think I could help myself.

what a horrible bastard he is.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Wed 25-Nov-15 17:29:04

Could you surrender your house to the local council or HA to let on your behalf?
I had a friend who did this with South Lanarkshire Council, due to a shortage of social housing, they agreed to let her house and pay her a percentage of the rental. Depending on costs, this might be enough for you not to need HB when you move.

I hope you can leave as your H sounds awful and I think you and the kids will be happier without his flouncing. Do tell the dc if he buggers off that Daddy's upset he's so old and needs a bit of time alone to get used to it, and the kindest thing they can do is ignore him leaving altogether.

meiisme Wed 25-Nov-15 18:42:04

You're more than welcome, because you clearly deserve to be cared for. It's so disorientating when somebody is always trying to make you at fault, whether you go up, down, left, or right. I imagine they get the same sick rush of messing you about over a cup of tea, as over whether they will spoil another big event. There is no winning when people get their kicks like that. So glad that you're on the way out smile.

juneau Wed 25-Nov-15 19:04:05

I think for your own sanity OP you need to write him out of the equation right now and start making your plans. You sound exhausted and depressed - might it help to go on a low-dose AD to help you through this and give you some energy? If so, can you go and see your GP asap?

Then I think you need to strategise. Do you have a friend who could brain-storm with you and help you draw up a 'to do' list? Even maybe help you with ringing estate agents? I think you need to get the house back on the market and start making your plans to move. Would you move mid-year? How would that affect your DC's schooling? It seems clear that your marriage is over and that neither of you wish to flog a dead horse, which is fine, but I think you need to change your mindset with regard to STBXH and try to deal with him in a business-like fashion. He sounds like a right git, tbh. Have you spoken to a solicitor? That should also be near the top of your 'to do' list.

juneau Wed 25-Nov-15 19:05:58

With regard to sorting out the house and getting it ready to sell could you hire a team of cleaners/declutterers to do it for you? Would your DH pay for it in order to speed things along? If he's in such a hurry to end the marriage and move on then it would be in his interest to actually help achieve that.

OldGreyCat Wed 25-Nov-15 19:25:42

I gave that 'cup of tea' eg as it is SO typical.
Everything from a cup of tea to a life or death legal dispute would be handled that way.

Is it me being 'oversensitive' though?

juneau Wed 25-Nov-15 19:28:45

No. He's an arse.

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