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Not sure if this has been an over-reaction on my part or not?

(42 Posts)
BlissfullyUnknown Sat 21-Nov-15 17:11:34

This has an AIBU theme to it but honestly I don't feel up to the beating I'd most likely get.

I'm a bit upset. I'm in a relationship which for the most part is good. A few wee up's and down's but nothing major.

So the issue... I feel my DP can be a bit selfish and still a bit single lad minded sometimes. Last weekend - he was out Fri and then made plans for Sat afternoon. This was fine. This week he was out last night, said he'd be back by around 8pm, came in at 1am. There was no text to say he was staying out later, he actually left where he was, got a taxi to somewhere else to meet a few friends but didn't think at any point that it might be nice to let me know since I was expecting him back. Today he had plans to meet a friend.

During the week he dropped into conversation that he is meant to be out both nights next weekend too.

I feel like he makes plans without a single thought to me. I have a young daughter so when he is out I'm obviously at home with her. I don't care about the fact he came in at 1am, if he'd just said I'm going out might be late one I'd have had a glass of wine, had a bath, chilled and watched a film but he said he would be back early, even if he'd text to say that he wouldn't be back it would have been fine.

Last night I was fucked off, I was in bed when he came in and pretended to be asleep because I didn't want to get into it. This morning we spoke and although he has apologised I'm just feeling a bit down in the dumps and like we're way down on the list of priorities to spend time with. He went out today as planned, has said he'll be back by 8 (de ja vu) but has also said he's cancelling one of the night next week and that he realises he's been a bit selfish and has taken me for granted. The conversation hasn't made me feel any better if I'm honest.

A bit of background, my ExH is an alcoholic and I spent alot of our relationship waiting on the key in the lock, never at the time I was expecting, always paraletic. Because of this I accept I'm a bit sensitive to the way people act when they go out. I can't explain it because DP is nothing like ex but last night I really felt like my emotions had been propelled back to that time in my life waiting for the key in the lock. It's made me quite teary today. My head is banging, think it's a tension headache and I'm just feeling a bit sad and also a bit lonely. Pathetic and an over-reaction I know.

I don't feel I've been completely unfair in this though. I think he's been a bit of a thoughtless dick but maybe not enough to justify how I'm feeling about it all. Any opinions or thoughts?

Enjolrass Sat 21-Nov-15 17:21:02

He has been a dick.

But he has also made an effort and change some plans.

I assume you live together and he doesn't have children?

I can see why you are upset given your past.

How do you see this being resolved?

Him not going out at all? Or just keep you updated and leaving At least some weekend time for you?

It does sound like he hasn't quite grown up yet. How old is he?

How long have you been together?

holeinmyheart Sat 21-Nov-15 17:28:34

YANBU at all, he is. Yours is a partnership. You are supposed to be a team. If one person does as they like, without any thought for the others feelings, schedules, etc, that's not right. It makes you feel as though you are running a hotel.
He needs a good slap.

Anyway, you are saying something to him, arn't you? ( quite right)
You are not just letting him just roll over you. Stand your ground girl, and shout loudly. He is behaving selfishly.

BlissfullyUnknown Sat 21-Nov-15 17:33:23

We each have our own places but he is here most of the time and is planning on selling his flat. Not going to lie, it's making me re-think whether or not we should live together just yet.

He has no children and is 6 years older than me but our life experience has been entirely different. I'm his most serious relationship to date.

It's not really that I wanted updated on the night out or where he is/what he is doing unless it impacts me. So yes, if he's going to be 5 hours late then yeah a text would be nice.

He can sometimes have weeks of not going out and I honestly have no issue with him going out at all. But all weekend 3 weekends on the bounce is excessive and I don't think it's fair. And then after that we'll be into December so there will no doubt be Christmas nights out etc on the horizon too. I'm not prepared to be in a relationship where every friend, family member and work colleague gets prioritised over myself and DD and that's a bit how it feels. He's asked to go out and just says "yeah sounds good" without a second thought.

OhDearMuriel Sat 21-Nov-15 17:34:52

I don't think you are very high on his priority list either.
To not inform you that he would be 5 hours late shows he has very little respect for you.
I am not surprised you are so upset.
If a relationship is right, you don't have to tell people how to treat you.

BlissfullyUnknown Sat 21-Nov-15 17:39:02

That's how I feel ohdear. I wouldn't act like that. He had the decency to admit he's been a dick but I don't think it should have had to be pointed out.

I also told him I didn't see the point in him staying here if all weekend I was going to spend waiting on him coming in, waiting on him going out and then waiting on him coming in again. He did look a bit sheepish but like I said it's not really helped how I'm feeling today.

Don't get me wrong, the positives far outweigh any negatives in our relationship and it's not a make or break just now but if he doesn't sort it and quickly, it will be.

Boomingmarvellous Sat 21-Nov-15 17:56:52

I guess if you are his first serious relationship he just doesn't know the 'rules' yet. Those being consideration of the other team member is a priority.

Some men accept quite easily that you are in a relationship for each other not for yourself. Some never get this and the relationship is shit for the other person. The man in this case ends up resenting their partner in a big way. These the the so called entitled men.

All the above genders can be mixed up of course.

Have the big conversation and see how he responds over the coming months.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 21-Nov-15 18:06:26

When he spends the weekends at your house, what's the dynamic normally? Is he a guest that you meal plan, cook and clean for? Does he behave like he has responsibility for making the home and relationship operate smoothly?

BlissfullyUnknown Sat 21-Nov-15 18:11:11

No he's not a guest and doesn't act like one.

OurBlanche Sat 21-Nov-15 18:18:02

Have that conversation again. tell him that if he goes out with his mates and is out after, say 7 or 8pm - whichever works best for you, then he goes home to his flat.

That way you can then do whatever you want, like that bath, glass of wine, pizza, early night etc.

It has the added benefit that he then knows he has not been with you. As it is he wakes up with you, can feel he has spent time with you, won't necessarily feel he has ignored you for his mates. If he wakes up alone in his own flat he cannot mistake the fact that he has had a lads night/weekend.

But be prepared, he may not grow up, he may be a lifetime singleton at heart.

BlissfullyUnknown Sat 21-Nov-15 18:29:12

That's maybe a good idea. DD is just getting ready for bed. I'm away for a glass of wine as soon as the story is done. It'll kill me or cure this sore head.

Should not cry first thing in the morning. Feel like I've done a 5k.

Whythehellnot Sat 21-Nov-15 18:37:07

I don't think you're over reacting. I think he's out of order.

I wouldn't let him come back to mine after he has been out on the piss especially if he hasn't got the decency to tell you when he is leaving.

If he is putting everyone else before you make it clear that is not on.

BlissfullyUnknown Sat 21-Nov-15 18:46:26

I don't mind him coming back after a night out normally. But I'll be dawned if I'm going to tiptoe round my house all weekend because he's hungover. I'd rather in that situation he went home.

I've told him he's not staying next work after the night out he's still going on. That one will be a big one so it's completely pointless.

I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself tonight. My thought process with him is completely different from when I was with ex but tonight I have the same feelings as then. A bit anxious and wondering when he will come through the door sad

BlissfullyUnknown Sat 21-Nov-15 18:46:47

Damned not dawned!

BlissfullyUnknown Sat 21-Nov-15 18:47:01

And week not work. Bloody phone!

Whythehellnot Sat 21-Nov-15 18:53:35

If you give him a wake up call on this he will either start treating you more respectfully or you will know that you don't come first in his life and deal with that accordingly.

DoreenLethal Sat 21-Nov-15 19:01:04

Of course he is planning on selling his own flat; why have a flat that he doesn't need?

He's got yours to stay at, you provide all the mod cons and he gets to swan in as and when he wants. Nice and cushty.

He tells you he will be at yours at x oclock, and then just forgets to let you know he will be 5 hours late; and gets to basically call the tune on your evenings.

He is a pisstaker and you should be concerned about him selling up and moving in - if he is this thoughtless when he doesn't even live there yet - just think of all the exciting evenings you are going to spend AND you get to have him there full time and have potential issues when you want to get shot of him.

DoreenLethal Sat 21-Nov-15 19:01:17

I suspect he is cancelling one night to guilt trip you into shutting up about all the others.

DoreenLethal Sat 21-Nov-15 19:02:24

I have to say I'd have locked the door so he couldn't get in after he was 2 hours late; so disrespectful.

tribpot Sat 21-Nov-15 19:12:05

You don't live together so when he comes to your house there is at least some expectation that it's to spend time with you, not use it as a convenient B&B. Could you honestly imagine going to his for the weekend and then pissing off out with your mates both Friday and Saturday night, let alone two or three weekends in a row? What would be the point of being there?

I would not let things lie in this slightly uneasy state about him thinking he 'might' sell his flat soon. It's not up to him. I would be clear that you are happy with the relationship overall but he does not have an invitation to move into the house you share with your dd. You will be continuing to live separately until a time when he actively wants to participate in family life. It's quite reasonable for him not to want to do so, but expectations have to be clear on both sides.

I actually wouldn't confuse the issue with your feelings about your ex. I get that you are having unpleasant flashbacks to when you were last left waiting for the key in the door but actually his behaviour is unacceptable and rude, completely irrespective of any behaviour you've put up with in the past.

BlissfullyUnknown Sat 21-Nov-15 19:17:30

No its not a guilt trip. And I don't feel guilty either. He knows I don't work that way.

He is considering selling using the money to put down on a house us. I live in rented accommodation. I've said no to that and that he can move in here for 6 months to a year before buying as I want to make sure I'm not in a position of a joint mortgage and it all falls apart.

For the most part the relationship is great, this is the first major thing.

BlissfullyUnknown Sat 21-Nov-15 19:21:16

Considering is the wrong word. Planning. I've told him recently it will need to wait until after summer but that's for other reasons.

But obviously that would only go ahead when we both agreed to it to happen not just loosely planning it.

Enjolrass Sat 21-Nov-15 19:43:40

I think the issue is here , is that he treats your like his girlfriend with the perks of your being his partner.

So he still goes out a lot and has personal freedom. Like I would expect if you had just been dating a few months. Then uses your place as and when suits him and then sees you as a partner.

He needs to decide whether you are just dating (in which case he needs to let you know and stop crashing at yours) or be an actual partner and grow up.

Not sure if I have explained that clearly.

BlissfullyUnknown Sat 21-Nov-15 19:58:18

You have. We've passed dating. Few years under our belt so I think it's more he needs to grow up or decide he doesn't want to and then that's the end of the relationship. I hope and genuinely don't think it will come to that.

He's gone to get Chinese.

KeepOnMoving1 Sat 21-Nov-15 19:58:27

You have a child, do you think he's going to magically fit into a family role from being a 'lad'. How do you think that would work out?

Please don't commit to a house with him, and you would be better of without him. He may not be an alcoholic like your ex but he does seem to stir up similar feelings in you so he is no better.

He doesn't treat you very well op, you and your dd deserve better.

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