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Need advice on OW trying to make contact following end of affair

(70 Posts)
tyres Tue 17-Nov-15 14:16:43

We are currently dealing with an affair that has just ended. The OW is reacting angrily (has sent texts etc). I have asked partner to block her online for everything, which he has. Leaving the only way to make contact either by post or in person (she has our address). Is this the right thing to do? I am not looking for advice on dealing with partner. Thanks.

Crazybaglady Tue 17-Nov-15 14:20:45

Yes, tell him that if she makes any contact then she will be reported to police for harassment. Keep everything as evidence. Hope things work out soon

ILiveAtTheBeach Tue 17-Nov-15 14:25:15

I think it's a "given" that she's angry, as your DH has probably spun her a load of lies, in order to get her in to bed. "My wife doesn't understand me", "we don't have sex", "I want you, not her", bla, bla, bla. And now that the affair has been uncovered, he's blocked her and is staying with his wife. Of course she shouldn't have touched a married man, so in a way she's only got herself to blame. You've done the right thing. Let's hope she calms down soon and doesn't come to your home looking for bunnies to boil. Your DH has really dropped you in a pile of shit. I hope you gave him what for.

AuntieStella Tue 17-Nov-15 14:26:30

Yes, it is the right thing to do.

The other thing that is important is that your DP tells you immediately if she tries to make contact by the remaining means (landline, post, at workplace), and that if any efforts do get through they are either resolutely ignored, or the wording of any reply is agreed by both of you.

Generally no reply is best. But a first letter might be worth answering, also by post, saying only that all correspondence is shared between you both and no further letters will be responded to.

LineyReborn Tue 17-Nov-15 14:29:33

Did he meet her through work, though?

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Tue 17-Nov-15 14:36:40

Yes it's the right thing to do. And your partner has to be open and honest about any communication between them/from her (eg. If she turns up at your home whilst you're out), from this point forward.

scarlets Tue 17-Nov-15 14:42:48

If she's got any pride, she'll leave him be.

However, if she embarrasses herself by hassling you repeatedly, tell her that you'll get a solicitor on the case, and follow through if necessary. You need to be very, very sure that she isn't being strung along still, before doing this.

MorrisZapp Tue 17-Nov-15 14:47:02

I don't have experience of this but I'd be wary of threatening her with anything unless she becomes threatening herself. If provoked, she may confront you with distressing 'proof' that your dh hasn't or isn't telling you the whole story.

ALaughAMinute Tue 17-Nov-15 14:48:56

It is the right thing to do.

Block her and get on with the rest of your life. Good luck.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 17-Nov-15 14:53:40

She may well go away if blocked. If she's simply (understandably) angry and hurt by your H who has lied to you both then she will give up pretty quickly.

If she's a difficult, aggressive, manipulative person then she may persist. Women can and do stalk previous partners, or abuse partners, though it's not that usual for them to become dangerous. So if she persists eg sends letters or turns up at the house, he should write her a letter telling her that any further contact attempts will be reported to the police as harassment. And if she persists after that, it is time to involve the police.

Even if someone has been treated badly by a partner, that does not justify or excuse harassment once a relationship ends.

BloodontheTracks Tue 17-Nov-15 16:23:01

Yes this seems right. She should know, from him, that he no longer wants her to contact him. After that, I would suggest blocked on everything and he and you should agree that any contact from her should be shared so it can be treated as a shared issue.

Dancingtothemusicoftime Tue 17-Nov-15 17:34:07

If provoked, she may confront you with distressing 'proof' that your dh hasn't or isn't telling you the whole story

This. MorrisZapp has it. My DH was adamant that he had broken off contact with the OW and even stood by as I made complaints to the Police about her behaviour after it seemed to be getting out of hand.

It is impossible to describe the mortification of discovering that he and the OW were actually still very much in touch, in every respect - proved to be my a very nice, sympathetic police officer who had irrefutable evidence. Be very, very careful OP that your DP is really telling you the truth.

Jan45 Tue 17-Nov-15 17:57:16

Why are you asking him to block her, does he not have the gumption to do it off his own back - and yes I'd imagine she's angry cos he's full of BS.

Let him deal with it.

tyres Tue 17-Nov-15 18:13:59

Thanks for the mostly useful advice. Jan45 not interested in your opinion of my partner, as I said in my OP.

violetsarentblue Tue 17-Nov-15 18:14:19

I wouldn't prevent her from contacting him.

If he's really over her and he really wants to be with you and not her, then he will ignore her if she contacts him.

By 'keeping' them apart, you will never know, for sure, whether he's decided to stay with you because he wanted to, or whether you were the consolation prize - because he was prevented from being with her.

I would want to know 100% whether he chose to stay with me because he wanted to or whether he felt he had no choice.

If that makes sense.

violetsarentblue Tue 17-Nov-15 18:19:45

After all, it's funny how the wayward spouse only seems to regret the affair once they've been rumbled.
They never want to end it with the OW until they absolutely have to and their hand is forced.and they are backed into a corner.
It's only then they suddently decide they love their wives after all hmm

Tiggeryoubastard Tue 17-Nov-15 18:21:29

Leave him to it. He stuck his dick in her, you didn't.

CactusAnnie Tue 17-Nov-15 18:30:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jan45 Tue 17-Nov-15 18:34:32

I wouldn't bother reading anyone else's opinion then Tyres, you're not going to like their honesty.

tyres Tue 17-Nov-15 18:38:27

I didn't ask for your opinion on my partner, I asked a specific question. But thanks anyway.

violetsarentblue Tue 17-Nov-15 18:40:48

Why are you having to ask him to block her?
He should be doing it anyway.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 17-Nov-15 18:41:59

What you said in your OP is that you were "not looking for advice on dealing" with your partner and, unless you harbour some fear that he continues to be in contact with the ow, I fail to understand why you have seen fit to be snippy with Jan.

Posting here may elicit a variety of advice from the broad church that is mumsnet and you're best advised to act on that which resonates and disregard the remainder without being dismissive of those who have given up their time in order to be of help to you.

tyres Tue 17-Nov-15 18:46:08

I am fully aware of how these threads usually degenerate into slanging matches. I appreciate the earlier posts as there was some useful advice. Not interested in other opinions. Regardless of whether I respond to these comments, they will always appear. That's the nature of mumsnet ! Thanks again.

violetsarentblue Tue 17-Nov-15 18:49:28

I appreciate the earlier posts as there was some useful advice. Not interested in other opinions

Charming hmm

tyres Tue 17-Nov-15 18:50:49

Violets, thanks, your view is also interesting and I take it on board.

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