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Will he come back if he cares enough?

(30 Posts)
amazonejane Sun 15-Nov-15 17:59:05

I just finished with my boyfriend. Was definitely in love with him, and I think he was with me too. Together for 5 months, but his commitment-phobic behavior was ruining things.

He had a set idea in his head that he wasn't ready to get married (I'm not either) but he just kept assuming I wanted marriage and kids and creating a drama where there wasn't one.

Little things like avoiding meeting my friends or going AWOL for a few days after a good date. This only started once we got very close and it was obvious we were falling in love. Before that he wasn't worried about those things.

I alternated for a couple of months between being patient and getting aggravated and angry because sometimes that behavior would be upsetting for me. It was causing fights between two people who otherwise got on well and I just couldn't continue feeling like I was trying to force him to behave a certain way and decided to leave him to it.

I broke it off a week ago, and while I have broken it off twice before due to this behavior, I missed him, he missed me too and we went right on like we were before.

This time I meant it though, and i didn't break it off so he would change his ways and chase after me - but more becauseI'd rather be alone than with someone who was ruining the present to guard against the future.

I felt he had to get his head together and be either in or out and just enjoy it instead of doing hurtful things to push me away.

I know he left me no choice, but it's so hard when you feel like you've met someone you love being with who makes you happy and you have to break up with them over things like this.

Will he come back to me if he cares enough?

I have let him get away with murder up to now and it's the first time I've really stood my ground.

mellowyellow1 Sun 15-Nov-15 18:09:46

I think you've done the right thing. It shouldn't be that hard so early in the relationship and what kind of relationship is it when he keeps pushing you away?

Did you tell him you didn't want marriage and babies etc? Did he just assume?

I think you have done the right thing and if it is meant to be then he will come back to you but you shouldn't accept that kind of treatment so good for you for being so strong!

amazonejane Sun 15-Nov-15 18:14:16

He just assumed!! I kept saying see what happens but he kept getting all weird about anything too close. It was frustrating me and killing off my enthusiasm

goddessofsmallthings Sun 15-Nov-15 18:14:31

5 months and he's given you all this grief? shock

He doesn't 'care enough' and he never will. Don't hang around waiting to see if he comes back to carry on as he's done before - bin him and resolve to bin all knobbers who try to make a monkey out of you.

amazonejane Sun 15-Nov-15 18:14:56

I honestly think he was the one who couldn't just be casual and enjoy it but he was projecting onto me

celtictoast Sun 15-Nov-15 18:18:58

It sounds like you're not really on the same wavelength.

tigermoll Sun 15-Nov-15 18:27:33

He sounds like a bellend. You have entirely done the right thing, and you should feel proud of yourself for doing it sooner rather than later. He may very well come sniffing around again -- but you have clearly shown that you won't let him waste your time with his games.

amazonejane Sun 15-Nov-15 18:36:52

Is that what it is? Games?

His perspective is: we like each other more than expected, we both signed up for something casal tht would not lead to marriage or moving in together, threfore is we get too close we shall take a step back and also avoid any activities which are too intimate in order to keep our distance and stop ourselves getting hurt.

He doesn't see it as games, he sees it as logic and being safe.

I saw it a why not just shut the fuck up with your rules and regulations and just enjoy being with me, make me feel special and not rejected and if we fall in what?! You can't control how you feel about someone by behaving like that, can you?

It just seemed like stupid bull shit to me

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe Sun 15-Nov-15 18:40:46

Some men go on like this for years. Sounds like you are best off out of it. It's too exhausting and too much of a head fuck. if you are that scared of falling in love and ending up in a grown up committed relationship then it's best not to date anyone to start with. hmm

ivykaty44 Sun 15-Nov-15 19:00:25

Why would you want to repeat this?

Fintan Sun 15-Nov-15 19:05:01

The way I'm reading this, him 'coming back to you' isn't the issue here anyway. He'd need to change, that's the issue.
Let it go. 5 months ? Be gald you're out of the mind fuckery now.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Sun 15-Nov-15 19:05:18

You said you really meant it this time and didn't just do it so he came running after to you - then you asked if he'd come back to you!
The best thing you can do is move on. He sounds like a head fuck. Who needs that after five months!

amazonejane Sun 15-Nov-15 19:09:23

To answer why, i that in the fist three months before he got his panic on it was the happiest I'd been for ages.

He does need to change so I really people change if they want to?

fishfingersinmysandwiches Sun 15-Nov-15 19:34:33

I've been there and got the t-shirt with men like this OP. Often the reality we'd really rather not face is that the relationship is far more important to us than it is to them.

So we tell ourselves they are just scared. That they are overwhelmed by their feelings for us and are not sure how to handle it. Because the idea that actually they aren't that bothered is too painful. And they, of course, are only too happy to go along with this narrative because the alterative for them is admitting that they're knowingly being a tosser and don't much care that their behaviour hurts us.

And yes, I know he might have said this and said that. But what is he doing? He's keeping you at arms length. He's withdrawing and hurting you. He's not spending time and effort when he could be. He's blowing hot and cold. He's messing with your head. He's continuing to behave in this way even though you've told him you can't stand it.

So yes to answer your original question he might come back to you. But it won't be because he's suddenly started caring. It will be because he can. He won't have changed and his behaviour will soon revert back to business as usual.

Your options are either to cut your losses or endure more of the same. But the longer it goes on the more painful and humiliating it will become.

Did I say I'd been there and got the t-shirt? smile

amazonejane Sun 15-Nov-15 19:39:32


I was just talking to someone about this and the frustation is that it;s so bloody hard to find that chemistry.

I;ve found the compatabilty quite a few times, where the want the same things and tick all the boxes but the magic is lacking.

This one has all the magic and not th other bit.

So frustrating but that bit where you stay awake all night just talking and laughing and only get an hours sleep before work is just so fun and happy and great that it's been hard to let go of!

I don't think he's scared of his feelings for me, not delusional, but I do think he puts his rules and regulations before just going with the flow and that makes enjoying a day to day relationship unpleasant for me at times. Especially as it's not permanent, it's back and forth so you keep getting that sense that it's all fianlly sorted only to be right back there!

What frustrates me MORE than anything is that when I have become angry he's taken this as further proof I want marriage. I don't! I just want a boyfriend who's not a dick!

I'm a thousand steps away from marriage.

AnyFucker Sun 15-Nov-15 19:43:28

I doubt very much he spends so much time angsting and navel gazing about your "relationship" as you do

Let it go

RNBrie Sun 15-Nov-15 19:48:11

There are people out there who have spent years of miserable marriage trying to reclaim that first three months where everything is amazing.

It's the bit that comes after the first three months that counts. That's what you get long term and if you didn't like it then you're best off out of it.

amazonejane Sun 15-Nov-15 20:37:08

Good point though brie.

Not sure of the point of that other post above but it made me feel worse so cheers!!

AnyFucker Sun 15-Nov-15 20:54:01

Do you think it's a good thing to have your head so fucked by a bloke while he probably doesn't even give you one single thought ?

fishfingersinmysandwiches Sun 15-Nov-15 21:02:21

Trouble is though, OP, the truth about these relationships often does hurt. Which is why we go through such mental gymnastics trying to avoid it. But trying to attribute any possible motivation to the undesirable behaviour other than the most obvious one - that he doesn't call or make plans because he doesn't want to, and that he creates distance because he doesn't want to be close - sucks us dry and robs us of our energy.

What AnyFucker has to say may not feel wonderful to read, but is almost certainly true. I bet he's not posting a forum, tying himself in knots over how he can make it work.

I know it feels like shit. I've been there. But the best thing you can possibly do for yourself is move on. flowers

amazonejane Sun 15-Nov-15 21:12:44

Of course I don't think it's a good thing. But it's not very easy to break up with someone you really like who is giving you 85% of what you want when they still really want to continue being with you. Especially when the alternative is to be alone again after a few years dating and not meeting anyone I liked as much. It's easier in a way to just accept what they are oferring and it took all my courage to do it. I'm not navel gazing. I'm sad.

I do know he's not posting on forums, and obviously from his ations it's pretty evident he cares less than I do but I don't think generally speaking men do angst as much as us or post on forums anyway.

If you're asking if I think he is as upset as me? of course he isn't. But he will be a little bit upset. I am sure he was getting 100% of what he wanted, so why wouldn't he be a bit upset.

Not angsty and naval gazing, no!

amazonejane Sun 15-Nov-15 21:19:36

And one day back on online dating and I just got a message asking me for a first date and saying "so if we get on, will you be wanting sex?".

I know its no good to settle for someone giving you bits, and I did do it, but are such dicks and I did really like and get on with this one. Just wnated a decent time without hassle.

Fizrim Sun 15-Nov-15 21:21:38

You titled your thread 'if he cares enough will he come back'? which does sound a bit naval-gazing tbh! We only see what you've put down on here, you've been with someone for five months and broken up three times which doesn't make it sound as if you enjoyed it much either. Stand your ground this time, there will be someone more reliable and enjoyable soon!

Fizrim Sun 15-Nov-15 21:23:41

Cross posted, it may not be the one that just messaged you on the online dating!

KatharinaRosalie Sun 15-Nov-15 21:29:39

you don't break up with someone 3 times in the first 5 months of a relationship, if they really make you happy.
I have discovered, after many years of similar struggles, that a good relationship just works, without any of this drama. He does not really care enough, you know that yourself as well. Let it go.

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