DD's dad is STILL being a dick!

[Robotgirl]

Hi all
Posted this thread last month.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2493342-dd-s-dad-is-being-a-dick

ExP has become increasingly disinterested (cancelling seeing DD on her birthday & not coming to her important medical appointment that he usually attends).
Last Friday he had her overnight & I had a night out.
Throughout DD's life, whenever he puts her to bed & she has settled, he texts me. He used to do it automatically but now I text & he immediately updates me. But last Friday he didn't. So I texted him. And rang him. And rang again. Basically I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right & as he lives 5 mins from me, my friends & I went back to my place via his. We knocked on the door. The lights were on but it appeared the place was empty, but her buggy & overnight bag were in the hallway. After texting, knocking & ringing him several times, we all became very worried. I decided to call 101. I was in bits with worry.
The police told me they would send a unit asap. I have never felt so sick with worry. After 45 mins of standing outside his house, he rang me. He told me that DD was with him at his GF's house. This was 3 hours after my initial text. I was incredibly angry & told him the police were involved & asked for GF address. GF then came on the phone saying she didn't want 'all this impacting on her career!?!'
I just wanted to see my daughter so me & my friends got a taxi over to their place & got her. DD seemed unaffected by it all, & went straight to bed when we got home.
I wouldn't have been fussed that they were staying with his GF if only he had told me & texted to say DD was settled, everything could have been avoided. On return to the house with DD, the police were waiting to speak to me about everything.
As I think I said in my previous thread, ExP never instigates overnight stays for DD, never asks how she is, and I just feel exhausted with constantly asking him to make time for her as I want her to see him & his family & have a relationship with them. I feel like I can't trust him anymore & don't know where to go from here.
Anyone been in a similar situation?
Any advice?

[mum2mum99]

OP it sounds like your ExP was being a model ex. Mine barely answer any questions at all and I usually find out through the DCs afterwards. I can say it is quite normal that ExP is now focussing on his new life. Your are not is focus anymore and he probably does not care whether you are reassured or not.
Just ask yourself: Do I want to support DD's contact with her dad? Is it beneficial for my daughter to have two parents caring for her?
After that, enjoy your time apart from DD. She will probably enjoy he time too. For your own wellbeing pour yourself a big glass of wine and let go!

[pocketsaviour]

Do you currently make the arrangements for him to see her, or does he actually take the initiative? Is there a current contact order in place?

[Robotgirl]

Thanks mum2mum.
Pocket, I initiate everything & there's no contact order. If I didn't initiate, I reckon he'd hardly see her at all. I rarely saw my dad when I was a kid and know how much she likes seeing him (she's 3).
He just seems soooo much more interested in his GF & music career. It's such a shame. DD is amazing!

[Offred]

Why don't you trust him to have DD?

[mum2mum99]

You can't force him to be a dad if he does not want to be one. Yes a contact order might be a good idea for you all. If he constantly let her down it might be better her to spare DD from the disappointment. Have you try to stop initiating?

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

I'm sure there is a back story but on the face of it you overreacted hugely.
He doesn't have to text you to tell you she has settled. It serves no purpose apart from feeding your anxiety.
You shouldn't have called the police.
You shouldn't have taken a taxi over with friends to get her on his arranged overnight contact.

[Robotgirl]

Hi Offred
I can't explain the panic I felt last fri night. It was awful & I've been feeling anxious since. This, with his constant lying (see previous thread) and not telling me where DD was staying last fri, ignoring my texts generally & ignoring me when she was with him last Fri have made me anxious about leaving her with him. That's how I feel right now, anyway.

[Robotgirl]

Obsidian, I was outside the house my DD was supposed to be in. Her belongings were in the hallway & there appeared to be no adults present. She is 3. ExP was uncontactable.
I wasn't going to go home & relax with a glass of wine.

[mum2mum99]

He is probably playing on your fears and he knows it. Surely if there is contact you admit that he is an ok dad. If you have welfare concerns then that's different. Talk to a counsellor to get rid of your anxiety. Ex is ok. DD is ok. You need to help yourself!

[Robotgirl]

Thanks mum2mum
The anxiety is mostly from Friday. He IS an ok dad which is why I'm still initiating the contact. He's lost interest in it all I think.
Someone said have I tried stopping the initiation. No I haven't. Perhaps I should?

[Offred]

IME times when contact has gone most wrong is when I have been trying to push contact when the dad wasn't interested.

I do think you should stop initiating and I think you should tell him that him lying means you can't trust him and he must stop that.

What I did and what worked was to stop initiating then have a conversation saying either step up and be a dad or agree to relinquish parental responsibility and allow the DC to move on.

He stepped up after that.

[mum2mum99]

You running after him, organising him. If you put a stop to initiating the contact it will clarify what he wants.

[bjrce]

Op.
Did you honestly believe your dd was in danger with your ex the other night?
Has he been violent in the past, does he have any prior mental illnes
If no is the answer I think you completly over reacted calling the police and driving over to the gf.
You behaved like the "crazy ex?"
I actually think you owe both your ex and his gf an apology, if you are to move forward on this

[Robotgirl]

Thanks Offred & Mum2mum. I think I agree about putting the initiation on hold.
Bjrce - I was outside the house where my daughter was supposed to be, nobody was there, her belongings were there & I couldn't get hold of her dad. She's 3. I really don't think I overreacted by calling 101.
Crazy-ex I am not. Very concerned mother with equally concerned friends is a more accurate description.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

But why were you outside the house in the first place?
I'm sorry but your justifications are not valid. You may believe they are but that's anxiety telling you you did the right thing. You really didn't.
Unless you have a concrete reason to believe she wasn't safe with him?

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

I agree with Obsidian and Bjrce, it was a completely over the top thing to do and if I were your ex I'd be furious. I'm tempted to think that if his new girlfriend were not young and famous you'd not be so keen to make a mountain out of a molehill and go rushing round there. He isn't obliged to stay in the house with DD and neither is he obliged to keep in text contact all evening whenever he has her. Believe it or not some people really don't keep their phones glued to their hands 24:7 and as soon as he saw your missed calls and texts he did respond even before he knew you'd called the police.

I understand why you were confused and panicky that her buggy was there but no one answered the door, but the lesson there is that you should not have gone over to his in the first place, then there would have been now grounds to start jumping to wild conclusions and working yourself up Intra state.

Once you were told DD was fine and safe it was really over dramatic to go rushing over there in a taxi with your mates. If I were you I'd feel a bit silly now.

[Friendlystories]

I think OP's reaction was justified, rightly or wrongly the norm when DC stays overnight with exP is for there to be a text when she's settled for the night, if exP wanted to change that he should have said so. It's understandable OP got worried when there was no text and she then couldn't contact exP and that led to her going round, calling police etc. I would have assumed there was something seriously wrong in those circumstances too and would have expected exP to warn me if things weren't going to run to their established routine, it wasn't fair to leave OP hanging like that, no wonder she panicked. I agree you should stop instigating contact OP, it's not your job to force him to be a dad and his reaction (or lack of) will speak volumes about whether or not he can actually be bothered. Assuming he does step up make it clear he can set his own routine for his time with DD but if he prefers not to text you when she's with him he needs to let you know so you're not left worrying unnecessarily. Clear communication could have saved all that drama and although your arrangement may seem unusual to some if it's how you had habitually done things he shouldn't have changed it without letting you know.

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

She said he has recently stopped texting her but does respond if she texts him. That says to me that there is no cast in stone arrangement and that he is getting tired of her being controlling and stress whenever he has his DD and is trying to gradually reduce the the constant text contact. If he'd always texted first and suddenly didn't you might have a point Fern but it seems in this case she just threw her toys out of the pram because he's no longer at her constant beck and call.

[Friendlystories]

He could have just spoken to her about it though rather than just leaving her dangling. I don't necessarily think he should have had to text OP but to just suddenly go no contact without letting her know was unfair and a bit cruel if he knew she tends to be anxious about DC.

[Mermaidhair1]

Ok I have read both of your threads. Were you worried that your dd was at his home alone?

[wannabestressfree]

I learnt that its best to take a step back....
Don't initiate contact let him come to you but when he has her learn to switch off (however hard that is). He really doesn't have to give you a running commentary and its better to have some seperation.

[Baconyum]

I don't think you overreacted at all.

Generally my experience (split when dd 2, ex constantly irresponsible re contact, I pushed thinking it'd be best for dd to have a relationship with her dad. 5 court dates for contact orders as he kept repeatedly breaking them. Cut to dd now almost 15 hasn't seen her dad in 3 years as dad makes no effort to arrange)

If he wanted to be in your dds life he'd make the effort. You really make someone into a good parent by force they either are or aren't.

I really regret my actions I should have let him leave dds life as you honestly don't miss what you don't remember having.

Now older I have quite a few friends who are lp and those where nrp not interested and rp just didn't bother? The kids are happier than those dealing with crap parents who aren't really interested.

[Robotgirl]

Thanks all.
This is sounding a bit like a AIBU (or WIBU) thread now.
Really appreciate all your comments. Some of your thoughts have made me question my behaviour on Friday night but ultimately I don't believe I overreacted.
Leavemywings ExP IS one of those people who has his mobile glued to him 24/7 & that's why it was weird when he didn't reply. He always lets me know DD is sleeping & settled. And that's why I started to feel worried, and that's why we took a detour past his house on the way to mine.
There were a number of possibilities of what was going on at that point & none of them were good. I have never felt so anxious about anything.

Everything could have been prevented with a tiny bit of communication (where DD was staying & that she was ok & asleep) & everyone could have had a lovely night.
I'm a reasonable & considerate person & certainly didn't throw my toys out of the pram cos he wasn't at my beck & call... Was genuinely concerned, as were my friends.
No running commentary needed from him, just a text.

[Robotgirl]

Obsidian, after about 3 years of the same routine re DD bedtime text (on the rare occasion she stays at her dad's) I got a gut feeling that something wasn't right when he was uncontactable. I think that reason alone is valid. Arriving at his to see no car, lights on in house, her stuff in hallway made me & my friends feel really concerned.

[Winterisntcoming]

But wasn't your gut feeling wrong?

As your daughter was safe and well.