Military wife support

[Rafwifey38]

I am a RAF wife. I am someone's mummy, she is the light of our lives and she thrills us every day with her beautiful personality. I am a much loved wife, he respects and loves me endlessly. We are a unit, a team, unwavering in our commitment to each other. He is based 200 miles away, we manage with smiles on our faces, as that's just what we do.

I work part time, I keep a happy household, including the dogs who would agree if they could. I am a fit, healthy and grounded 38 yr old woman.

I chit chat to other mums at the school gate, we laugh about kids and nod in acknowledgment of another ruined pair of tights or grazed knees. I join our online community but more to see who is bitching about who and, yes, it's always the same names bothering to post or ask stupid questions. I've tried all our social groups, the same young girls with babies rule the roost.

I am a RAF wife. I have lived here 2.5 years, I have no friends. No one to share my feelings about husbands upcoming deployment. No one to pop round to say hi. No one who would notice if my bins weren't put out. No one who would notice if I didn't feel to great today.

I want a friend. Someone to look me in the eye and know I have their back and vice versa. I want a text message from someone who saw the latest episode of Blacklist and wants to gossip about it. I want to be someone else's friend, someone must be feeling like me. I'm normal, I'm giving it everything I have, I'm lonely, I'm a RAF wife.

[Yoksha]

Hi Rafwifey, didn't want to read and run. Where are you?

[Rockluvvindad]

Morning RAFWifey. Don't think a post has touched me as much as this for a while. I'm ex-RAF so maybe that's why.

I was single ( well, with future wife ) by the time I left many moons ago. Back in the late 80's there were fewer deployments so even then it wasn't something I thought about.

It's easy to forget the families. One of the things I applaud lately is that there is better publicity about the plight of the families too.

Some practical suggestions :-

Try asking the local RAFA. They might have a "wives of serving or ex-serving" group.

Ditto SSAFFA, RAFBF,RBL.

I'm sure other mumsnetters will be able to offer good ideas about making friends locally.

Sadly, your experiences will be alien to many people outside the forces "family". Is it possible to move closer to where he is based ? On MQ's maybe, or even in a community where there are other families living ?

Hope you get some resolution to this, and that it is only a temporary situation. And fingers crossed for a safe deployment for him, and a speedy return to you.

RLD

[PopcornFrenzy]

Army wife here and feel pretty much the same way, DH is away and has been for the last 5 weeks.

We cope and I try to keep a happy household, I go onto camp during the day to see people, I don't do the school run as DS has a bus that picks up outside my house.

We're overseas and can be a very lonely place if you don't get out and about. Have you got a Military Wives choir you can join?

[meditrina]

I think many people here would feel out of place in a groups of girls (teens?) with babies.

So perhaps keep trying on other sites for online chat. Fortunately there are many, for just about every interest.

Are you in your own house, with him bean stealing, or is there another reasons for the distance? Im guessing you're not on a patch, but it's not clear how long you're likely to be in one place (there's rather a difference between coping strategies for 'always on the move' and 'this is our forever house, but I'm finding it hard to settle as our current family set-up has specific demands'

[tribpot]

Not quite the point I know but I love the Blacklist. If you want to start a thread in telly addicts (or I will) - I'm happy to chat. Are you watching at US pace?

I have made a grand total of one friend through ds' school in 7 years, and she's moved away. I have mums and dads I say hello to, mostly either parents of kids in ds' class, or who I see in the park when I'm walking after the school run. Can you volunteer at the school? That might raise your profile there a bit.

What about work - that's my main source of friends (isn't it for most people?).

It does sound like you need better support from the RAF, are there no other military spouses in the area?

[Cabrinha]

I opened this because I recently started to date (online dating) an RAF officer and then, basically got ghosted pretty early on! So I put the effort into 4 months of his deployment and then got dumped, really. Hmmmm. Rant over

Anyway, that explains why I opened it when I really have no RAF or military experience.

But I'll throw in my opinion. Your username is RAF. You declare what - 3x? That you're an RAF wife.

Stop limiting yourself. Look elsewhere for friends. Join things off base (if you're in military accommodation?)

I am sure that no-one understands your situation more than other military wives. But good friends can have all sorts of different experience and understanding. Plenty of non military people have done long distance relationships. Plenty of women have followed their husband abroad. And plenty of women will have no fucking clue what your life is like, not relate to it at all - but still be great friends!

I'd say if you like the choir idea, don't join a military choir, just join a choir. You want a mother and baby group? Join a local one, not a military one. Give us civvies a chance!

Oh and if your husband comes across a certain Sqn Ldr in the ME, please kick him in the nuts from me

[dementedma]

Have you considered starting your own business? Could be very small scale, dependi g what your skills are? There are schemes run by x-forces in England and the Chambers of Commerce in Scotland to help military spouses to do this, with loads of support.

[CakeMountain]

cabrinha went to 'lije' your post then remembered we're on Mnet, not Fbook!

[FelineLou]

Someone once said to me "If you seek a friend, be a friend".
Help someone out one day and there is a connection.
I agree its difficult as an adult to meet and make new friends but it can be done if you think out new ways to connect.
I hope you find some people on your wavelength but you do need to reach out, chat and offer compliments, take an interest in their lives and find a link.
Best wishes from Army wife(ex ret.)

[GunShotResidue]

I feel the same way, DH is army and although I'm lucky in that he's here most of the time, we do live over 150 miles from all our family and friends.

We've been here almost 3 years (will be moving soon, if we ever get the posting order through) and although I've made some friends, there is nobody who would miss me if something happened. DH tends to only go away for a few weeks at a time, but I often get my sister to text or ring me each evening. My worst nightmare is falling down the stairs and my 22 month old DD being left with my body for days, morbid I know!

DH was away about a year ago. I spent a few hours one night lying on the bathroom floor, throwing up each time I tried to move, whilst DD screamed in her cot. I physically couldn't get to her and there was no one I could call to help. She was safe but it was horrible.

Have you tried any church toddler groups? Ime they attract more patents in there late 20s & 30s, they're normally not religious in nature.

Other than that I can just offer you sympathy and a tiny bit of understanding.

[velourvoyageur]

nothing useful to add, sorry, except I think you're a good writer & maybe you should try writing :)

[tribpot]

If you want to stay in the area is it perhaps time to move off the base and put down roots in a more permanent community? It seems like you've got the worst of both worlds at the moment - DH away but not living where you have/can build a long term support network.

Re: The Blacklist - the twists and turns never end! I'm on Season 4 and you've got some cracking episodes coming up.

[Rafwifey38]

Oh my, I had the same thoughts last night about suddenly dying or having an accident and no one knowing but our daughter. :( I have since made sure she knows how to dial 999 etc and deal with problems. I'm sorry you felt like this too, it's truly an awful state of mind to be in and only seems to get worse in the evening when the days chaos stops. X

[tribpot]

Okay so this is a reasonably short term problem. Are you intending to stay on Anglesey? If so, I would suggest your DD needs to be in a Welsh language school and you need to be immersing yourself as well. If you're planning to move at that point, i.e. your DD is going to have to have a school move regardless, I'd think about moving up your timescales so that you can get to putting down roots somewhere.

[JennyC520]

I am a soon-to-be military wife. Right now, I am living in the UK while my fiance is abroad. We have been apart for nearly 2 months now and he will only be visiting in December for 1 month for the birth of our 1st daughter. Even though I am in the UK, my friends all have jobs, fiances etc and don't have much time to entertain me. A lot of the times I feel lonely. My fiance is being based in another country in April and I will move with him and socialising is one of my main concerns, as well as finding a job. I'm naturally quite shy... and don't make friends easily... worrried I won't make any at all! I know it's probably easier to make friends with other military wives but... i dont know... worries me that i'll have no friends in a foreign country and be very isolated and lonely. This is the army life we chose I suppose. Lots of moving around, making new friends again and again.

[GunShotResidue]

Jenny we did long distance before getting married too, generally 3 months apart and 2 weeks together. It was hard but I do think our relationship is stronger because of it. After getting married I moved to Germany to be with him. I am very shy, but I made so many friends over there. Everyone I've spoken to had said that there is a much better community overseas. I felt more at home there in 3 months than I did here in the first 2 years.

Rafwifey it's tough when so much can't be decided yet. We are due posting in a month but haven't heard anything. I'm 3 months pregnant but have no idea where we will be when I give birth. It's interesting!

[TheFairyCaravan]

I'm an RAF wife too, and now an Army mum as well. I've done it for 22 years, DH has been in 29 years today.

It's difficult at times and it really does vary depending on where you live. Military wives can be really, really bitchy. I'm not a member of the WAG group for the camp my DH is at, it's just a bitch fest. It's like being in Year 7 all over again.

[JennyC520]

I'm actually worried about the cliques! Gna be hard for newcomers to join in... I don't mind only having a couple of close friends but I'm worried I wont even make that! haha. Yeah, my fiance always says how I can make friends easily now that we have a baby! we'll see.

I have no idea how to tag users (new to the site) so I'm just gna do this and see if it works haha @GunShotResidue Congrats on your pregnancy! I'm going to be moving to Germany to be with my fiance after we marry too! Hopefully it's as easy as you say to make friends over there!

[GasLIghtShining]

It can't be easy for you OP and am not sure what to suggest but do know that I met one of my closest friends when I was least expecting to. You never know

Isn't there a military wives section on here somewhere? Sure I have seen it

[madwomanbackintheattic]

Forces Sweethearts.
It used to be really busy. I think it's tumbleweed now. Report your post and ask it to be moved there, op.

In all honestly, I think you should have moved when dh got posted. Retaining quarters is sometimes tempting, but if you don't have a friendship circle it is something of a pointless exercise. (I know where you are, lol). Kids are pretty resilient. My eldest has been in 8 or 9 settings since yr r, and they get very used to moving and making new friends. Your current location is very small and won't have very wide opportunities for a social circle.

In your location, I would move. Beautiful place, but much busier stations where you stand a much better chance of making friends. It depends if you think it would be worth it for 8 mos though? Is his tour 4 or 6 mos? Would you get Christmas together?

I have 3 dcs. All were born in service. We asked for an extension of one year in post once which was granted as my disabled DC was starting school and we wanted her to be able to transition in to yr r with a statement, but we moved in between yr r and yr 1.

Is he going to look for a flying job? Most of the retired rotary boys I know don't fly any more, they moved into more general management jobs as flying jobs are too few and far between.

Gunshot, o'seas community tends to be more 'organised' and it is always easier to meet people with babies and toddlers - both for civilian and military spouses.