Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I'd love some advice...

(45 Posts)
anotherfakename Fri 06-Nov-15 20:40:53

My first post. Please be gentle...

I've been with my fiance for almost ten years now. We've never lived together, I live on my own and can't afford to have him live with me. He works part-time (15 hours a week) and even before he got this job, he said that he only ever wants to work part-time. That would be okay if it was a well paid job but it's not. He has said before that if we moved in together that he could pay for broadband and a couple of other things, I could pay for rent, council tax, bills... wtf.

I've talked to him several times about what I want for the future, asked him what he wants. He says he wants a house, wedding, kids, to travel etc. Yet when I say that we'll need to earn more (I'm actually saying he will tbh), he goes in a huff.

I'd just really like to get some opinions from people who don't know me or my fiance. What would you do in this situation?

Ragwort Fri 06-Nov-15 20:43:39

I'd ask myself what his good points are?

If you have been in a relationship for ten years, yet never lived together, what makes you think that you really want to live with each other?

Is there any reason why he doesn't work full time, how does he manage to live at the moment?

CarnivalBearSetFree Fri 06-Nov-15 20:47:43

Sounds like he's lazy. Why doesn't he want to work full time?

If you're serious about the relationship I'd make it clear that it's a 50/50 split. He's not going to be a kept man and you're not going to be a kept woman. You both own your own money and split bills in half. If he doesn't like it then he's not ready for a grown up relationship.

He sounds like a moody teenager to be honest, and you're his mum that wants him to go and get a full time job and make his own way in the world.

AuntieStella Fri 06-Nov-15 20:47:47

You've said what he says he wants (but hasn't much hope of affording).

But haven't said what you want.

I assume you like him, find him good company, generally congenial and that he adds good things to your life. But is that everything that you want long term? (or at least enough)

Lacoba66 Fri 06-Nov-15 20:51:19

Where's the balance is all I will ask?

Seeyounearertime Fri 06-Nov-15 20:51:27

Think where you want to be in 10 years. Now think where he wants to be in 10 years. Are they the same? Do you think he will change?

Only1scoop Fri 06-Nov-15 20:51:51

You've been together a long time so I will assume he has some great qualities also.

It wouldn't do for me though he sounds like he needs a rocket up his arse.

Do you work? I think it would be a bad move to have him move in with you....even if he could manage the broadband confused

Lacoba66 Fri 06-Nov-15 20:54:45

Oh and just to add- I would LOVE to work part-time- 30 hrs would do me (bliss) in my world, but I have to pay for what I want and take responsibility.

Is he 12 years old OP?

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe Fri 06-Nov-15 20:57:58

So how is he funding his living expenses now, if he only works part time in a low pad job?

anotherfakename Fri 06-Nov-15 21:23:42

Thanks to all of you for replying smile

Ok so his good points are that he's a nice guy, we usually get on well, have lots in common.

He isn't supporting himself really, his parents pay for everything apart from some of the bills. So basically he's looking for the same set up from me mega eyeroll

Doesn't want to work full-time as he won't have enough time to do the things he likes doing, plus he doesn't like the job that he's qualified for... or any other job really. Says he would go nuts if he had to work full-time. There's always an excuse. I would love to have more time, wouldn't we all.

I don't think he'll change tbh.

As for me, I work. Three different jobs. Once I've paid rent, bills, debts etc I have very little left over.

Only1scoop Fri 06-Nov-15 21:25:49

A bit of a turn off really isn't it Op. Still with mum and dad and no real get up and go.

Unless he's 18 of course I'll let him off slightly then.

anotherfakename Fri 06-Nov-15 21:26:49

He's 32 sad

motherofallhangovers Fri 06-Nov-15 21:30:22

He's living in a fantasy world. Please don't have kids with him, unless he grows up aboyt a decade or two. Having kids is wonderful but bloody hard work and he will be a drain not a help.

PinkFlamingoAteMyLipstick Fri 06-Nov-15 21:30:37

I wouldn't marry him. He sounds lazy and self entitled and it would be a problem especially if you ever have kids. removes judgey pants

FreeWorker1 Fri 06-Nov-15 21:32:19

The answer to your decision lies in these three sentences:

"He works part-time (15 hours a week) and even before he got this job, he said that he only ever wants to work part-time."

"He isn't supporting himself really, his parents pay for everything apart from some of the bills. So basically he's looking for the same set up from me".

"As for me, I work. Three different jobs. Once I've paid rent, bills, debts etc I have very little left over."

Your future life together will be you working in three jobs to support a man who does not work full time because he would not have enough time to do the things he likes doing.

I think not.

TheUnwillingNarcheska Fri 06-Nov-15 21:33:53

And when his parents are no longer around to fund him?

I believe this is called "failure to launch" grin

How old are you?

10 years is a long time relationship and it feels like it hasn't progressed from the dating stage.

anotherfakename Fri 06-Nov-15 21:40:40

I'm 31.

You know when you're thinking something and then talking to others confirms it... I feel like such a fool.

Only1scoop Fri 06-Nov-15 21:45:14

Your not a fool Op

However you would be if you move him in and have to post again in another 5 years.

JoyceDivision Fri 06-Nov-15 21:46:49

The hills are that way >>>


Or walk, a gentle amble, he sounds too idle to chase after you soi guess you could steadly potter away... grin

Seriously, there would be some one that would love you, care fpor you, contribute with you to a future... it's not him,is it?

Lacoba66 Fri 06-Nov-15 22:01:27

OP, you are not a fool for wanting to see the best of him, but!

He sounds like a 'man child'!

I get that you have been with him 10 years (but you haven't really) and during that time, you have grown up, BUT he hasn't!

What does he bring to this relationship for you in the future?

Seeyounearertime Fri 06-Nov-15 22:02:56

works hard, has dedication, wants house and Holliday's.
Theres many men that would love a woman like that, go find one of them and let mommies boy have his arse wiped for him until he's old, lonely and living in a bedsit with a pet cat called Jess.


TheFoxAndTheGrapes Fri 06-Nov-15 22:07:13

hmm, I'm sure he's easy going company but he is just telling you that he expects you to fund everything. If you got married and had kids would he have the energy to be at home while you worked? cos that could work if you were both ok with it. I suspect he wouldn't find the tedium of making dinners, shopping, washing clothes and tidying up as appealing as just sitting around!!

MissApple Fri 06-Nov-15 22:08:00

What will happen when you have children? How will he support you??

TheFoxAndTheGrapes Fri 06-Nov-15 22:08:50

Ah, you're only 31.

I'm glad to read that.

Be strong and end it.

fastdaytears Fri 06-Nov-15 22:10:27

What does he do when he's not at work? 15 hours of work? So like 3 five hour shifts or something? That leaves a lot of time.

This is all so odd. You're not stupid at all. You've been with him for ten years. That's not an easy thing to end. But how do you see this working in the future?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: