When you're just pissing each other off ALL the bloody time...

[Onelegtoofew]

...can it be sorted, or is this the beginning of the end?

Dp and I just seem to be in a bad place at the moment, and I don't know how to get us back on track. He's just stormed out of the room because - I assume - I've said the wrong thing again. We've only just started talking again after yesterday when we spent the entirety of a five-hour train journey in silence because I'd pissed him off the night before. Earlier in the week I was angry with him because I feel as if he's taking me for granted etc etc and we didn't speak for two days.

I'm just really fed up. We've been together only 4 years and I thought this was, finally, the one that was going to last. I had even entertained the notion of marriage! But recently we just seem incapable of spending more than a couple of days without one of us getting in a strop with the other, and I am starting to wonder if we really have a future together. The thought of spending another X years with one or other of us in 'moods' half the time is horrendous.

We are both good people, not perfect, but good. We both have our good points and our faults. He drives me up the wall at times and I know that I'm not always easy to live with. I hate the thought that this might be another failed relationship. I hate the thought of breaking up. But it's starting to feel very familiar and I don't know how to stop the rot.

Part of me just thinks, fuck it. Life is too short to be walking on eggshells. The other part thinks, relationships have their ups and downs and you should work at it. He's a good man, ds really likes him, it's just a phase, etc etc. It just feels like the times when we're enjoying each other's company are getting fewer and fewer and the times when we're pissed off/irritated with each other are more frequent.

I just can't bear the thought of another bloody night spent on the edge of the bed with our backs to each other.

[CocktailQueen]

Sounds like the relationship has run its course, op.

[Epilepsyhelp]

That kind of prolonged not speaking sounds like a really bad sign. I wouldn't be able to keep it up for more than half an hour if I tried to sulk at DH, but I wouldn't want to try because I just wouldn't feel like that about him.

How do you honestly feel about him? Is it mostly him getting arsy or do you feel generally dissatisfied/disappointed/pissed off with him too?

[Onelegtoofew]

It's honestly a bit of both as far as the getting arsey goes. He was pissed off with me over something I'd done at the weekend, and I apologised but he said I didn't mean it etc etc, so fuck it, couldn't be bothered to make polite conversation on the train. I do sulk, I know I do, and it's a really bad habit. But he has just stropped off upstairs because I answered him in the wrong tone of voice when he was asking me a bloody irritating question. I'm assuming this, I don't know, he just huffed and walked out.

I know it all sounds pathetic. We are not teenagers, I promise! I do love him(honest) but I am very independent and I suppose I tend to think, fuck it who can be bothered with this shit? and switch off a bit when things get tricky.

[Onelegtoofew]

I'm not dissatisfied as such. I do feel irritated and put-upon quite a lot of the time though.

[holeinmyheart]

I have been married for over 40 years and if anyone can show me a perfect marriage, then go ahead, because they don't exist.
Life with my Dh has gone up and down. Sometimes I have have actively disliked him, but luckily most of the time I do respect and like him.

Even if you move on to someone else there is no guarantee that after the ' honeymoon stage' has passed, you won't get into the same situation as you feel you are now.
According to the latest marriage stats the most likely time to break up is after four years.

So... What to do. I am presuming that you once liked and desired your DP.

So now you have to think about what you want. Do you need external help, maybe marriage guidance ? You certainly need to talk about what you want from this relationship.
All the sulking and not talking isn't very productive.

I know that if I speak in a accusing way to my DH it results in war. If however I discuss things in a calm and rational way and keep to the 'I' word, the situation becomes more resolvable.
I try not to look for blame but solutions. I try to empathise as much as possible, as as you say, you are not perfect( I am certainly not)

Bite your tongue and try and count ten and be patient. Plan some fun things to do together, like you once did.
Give yourself a time scale, say a month. A month when you are deliberately nice, where you deliberately try not to argue, and every time you open your mouth to say something critical, you stop and think.

Do something fun, where you both laugh and relax and try and re- capture some of the nice times you once had.

Best of luck and let us know how you got on.

[Onelegtoofew]

We're not married, I should clarify! And I do still like and desire him, when we're not pissed off with each other. (We have sex infrequently but that's another issue!) We do 'fun' things together all the time, we go out quite a lot etc but we just seem to get wound up with one another so easily these days. In fact holidays, nights out etc are often flashpoints...this weekend, last weekend, this time last year we had a miserable week away where we argued loads but I thought we'd settled down...

I do try to be patient, and I know he does too. He has generally been more accomodating of my fed-up-ness and has tended to be the peacemaker but even that is lessening...he is quicker to show me he's annoyed with me than he used to. I do wonder if it's just me, if I'm just not terribly good at this stuff.

I don't know what I want, that's the problem. Sometimes I think we're going to be absolutely fine, other times I just want to be on my own again.

[Onelegtoofew]

I don't think he will talk talking about 'us' very well. He will think the worst and it will just end up in a row.

[gleegeek]

Hole in my heart that's a lovely constructive post with loads of great advice. I've been married 17 years and dh and I drive each other mad at times. Marriage isn't easy but I wouldn't want to be without him... What you describe sounds like a huge bump but perfectly surmountable if you both want to - people on MN seem very quick to say get rid but something brought the two if you together...
Good luck x

[Jan45]

4 years in and it's like this, doesn't bode well tbh.

You can love a person but not necessarily get on or be able to make things work, it's just the way it goes sometimes.

Give it time, see what happens, you both need to make a massive effort to change the status quo, that's if, you both really want to deep down.

And I hate when folk say MN are quick to say get rid, no, we don't know each other so that's just bullshit, we are giving personal opinions, obviously!

[category12]

Perhaps relationship counselling?

[Shinyhappypeople9]

Is the lack of sex a recent thing too? The combination may suggest the relationship is coming to a natural end.

[Onelegtoofew]

He wouldn't go to relationship counselling, no way.

The sex thing...our sex life has never been blazing but I've usually been happy enough. To be honest it was a nice change at the beginning to be with someone who wasn't a porn addict or constantly demanding I 'perform', as ds's father was. I'm not sure it's a big part of things really; it would be nice to feel more 'desired' now and again but I don't think that's at the root of our issues. He is still always physically affectionate and tactile, which I like, when we are getting on!

jan, how should the relationship be 4 years in? Not being snide, I honestly don't know. This is the longest relationship I have ever had! Which makes me think that the problem is probably me...

[Onelegtoofew]

He left without saying goodbye this morning, btw. Asked me where X item of his was how the fuck should I know and then left. I just feel like, oh fuck you.

[Onelegtoofew]

Oh god, have just read that back, it's me, isn't it?

[Nonnainglese]

Ummm.....yes OP
I think you know where this relationship is headed, don't you?
You don't seem to have any respect for him whatsoever

After 38 years of marriage I agree with holeinmyheart, there's a lot of ups and downs but perfect marriages don't exist other than in fairytales.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Have you suggested counselling with him?
If he doesn't even want to try to fix it then I'm not sure what you do next.
I couldn't live like that, but if you love each other then surely you BOTH want to fix it and he will be open to suggestions for this????
I think you both need to write a list of your gripes and sit down together and go through them, as a starting point.
Also write down how you each see this being 'fixed'
Take it from there.
If he isn't willing to try then you have your answer.

[Onelegtoofew]

I didn't say how the fuck should I know. I thought it though.

I do have plenty of respect for him, about lots of things, but it's hugely irritating, for example, to be given the silent treatment all night for some apparent misdemeanour and then still be expected to find his stuff for him (because he can't be bothered to look properly) before I'm even out of bed, and then have him walk out of the house without another word.

[Onelegtoofew]

I haven't suggested counselling because there is no way on earth he would go. Absolutely no way on earth.

If I try to tackle this with him, his answer will be that I just need to be nicer to him, or words to that effect.

I can't have another failed relationship. I'm in my 40s, it's pathetic, you'd think I'd have got this stuff worked out by now,

[BloodontheTracks]

I would strongly recommend you read 'The Dance of Anger' which I think will address a lot of what you're talking about. You should both read it. If that doesn't help, I'd leave. Life's too short for that. Why wouldn't he got to relationship counselling? What does that threaten? And have you got like this in relationships before? This snappy and resentful? I'm not sure what your expectations are and how reasonable they are. Or how old you are. If you've never been in a relationship this long and you're over 35, say, I'd wonder if you walk away when things don't suit you perfectly anymore, which is okay, but you should know that about yourself.

[BloodontheTracks]

Ah right, sorry cross post. Yes I think you should definitely read the book I suggest by Harriet Lerner. I think it could help you a lot. But it worries me he doesn't seem to be that capable of making sacrifices to help.

[Onelegtoofew]

Yeah, I do already know that about myself blood . But I don't want to walk away from this. I want a long-term, happy relationship. Ds thinks he's great (he is great, we just...I dunno!) and I don't want to unsettle him. I would like to get past this feeling of resentment and be happy and calm, not frustrated and irritable.

I will check out the book, thanks. And I guess I should try to talk to Dp tonight, but I just feel bored and tired of it at the moment.

[pocketsaviour]

Have you actually talked to each other about your behaviour, openly? Like sat down and said "I hate that we seem to be bringing out the worst in each other - what can we both change to make this better"?

This thing you said:
If I try to tackle this with him, his answer will be that I just need to be nicer to him, or words to that effect.
Sounds like you have brought this up before but he believes that he is perfect and that you're just, what, a nagging bitch?

If he accepts that you are both at fault and need to make changes, then your relationship has a chance. If he can't, then you should cut your losses and walk away.

[Onelegtoofew]

I don't think it's that he thinks he's perfect, necessarily. Just that it's easier to tell someone what's wrong with them than to accept the stuff you need to change in yourself, isn't it? We have talked about this stuff before though, yes. We say sorry and make up and then after a few weeks or months or days we have another explosion or festering sulk fest. I'm tired of it.

He is a good guy, honestly. He is kind and smart and him being around has brought a whole new dimension to ds's life. When we are happy we are really good together. And I can be a royal PITA at times, I suspect. But I do feel as if I do a shitload in our relationship, all the little things, that get taken completely for granted. I feel like I run our lives, sort everything out, keep all the cogs oiled, work full time, earn the majority of the money, try to build a career, bring up ds, study, etc etc. And sometimes it just feels like, what contribution are you making to the sum of my happiness exactly, mate? how exactly would I be worse off, if I wasn't in this relationship?

And then that makes me feel like a bitch. Which I guess I am. Sorry, am just venting now.

[ImperialBlether]

Doesn't he work full time? In a way if you have a son and he doesn't then it's good that you earn more, isn't it, because there are extra costs?