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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

The thrill of the chase?

39 replies

MARTIN1 · 21/08/2015 22:16

I recently went on a date with a lady I have known for some time. We developed a good friendship and we were in constant contact and as we got to know each other better and better we went out on a couple of dates. Everything was going fine and I thought she is very attractive, witty and intelligent and she invited me to stay over at her house after she cooked dinner for us both. This is when I baulked and made a bee-line for the nearest train station. I have done this a couple of times in the past, when a date or friendship has blossomed into something more and then I've not wanted to cross the finish line.
I feel like a complete div and rightly so and the lady from the date isn't speaking to me now. I genuinely don't know what causes me in some instances to do this and I regretted it the very moment I stepped out of her front door. I didn't think that night was the right time but I can't for the life of me figure out why that was my train of thought. Making me think is it the thrill of the chase that is more enjoyable than the catch? Which surely is bizarre.
Has anyone experienced this before when dating or am I the only div on the planet?

OP posts:

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ImperialBlether · 21/08/2015 22:18

Is she mad? Why would she ask someone to spend the night when she's not at that stage in the relationship?

LHReturns · 21/08/2015 22:29

Seems perfectly ok for her to suggest this...you have been friends for a while, in constant contact, and had a few dates. She then cooked dinner for you in her home (in my friends circle this usually means 'action').

However totally ok for you to decline too if you didn't feel like it. Just like it is fine for a woman to say no. Had you done some kissing etc during dinner, or did she suggest it out of the blue? I can see how she might be pissed off if she felt things were leading towards sex, then you suddenly scuttled off.

I assume you have no issue with it being the woman to suggest moving to the next stage? Would it have been better if you had suggested it?

I usually find people who only enjoy the chase tend to disappear AFTER sex has happened. Not just before!

Do you like her?

RoseandValerie · 21/08/2015 22:45

Have you been watching that Julia Roberts film, The Runaway Bride?

If so do you feel influenced by the character she portrayed?

Are you unprepared for a sexual relationship? With a woman?

RoseandValerie · 21/08/2015 22:46

Oooh, sorry.....

Is she a crap cook?

MARTIN1 · 21/08/2015 23:01

The food was lovely and it was an enjoyable evening. Nothing physical had taken place apart from a peck on the cheek and hug as a greeting/departing gesture.
I've never seen the film so I am not influenced by that. I didn't feel comfortable making the first move (and have felt this before on dates) and I think she may have expected me to take the lead. I reckon if the lady had instigated something then you'd be out now shopping for a new hat I wouldn't be on this forum.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 21/08/2015 23:06

Have you ever had a sexual relationship?

MsVestibule · 21/08/2015 23:07

Are you actually physically attracted to these women?

When you say 'I reckon if the lady had instigated something...' surely asking a man to stay the night is instigating something? Her intention couldn't be any clearer .

MARTIN1 · 21/08/2015 23:16

The lady and others I have dated have all been attractive and I have had girlfriends in the past. However sometimes I extract myself from situations where anyone else wouldn't. I feel like I cut my nose off sometimes just to spite my face.
Instigating, I would say would be cuddling up on the sofa together and kissing, however neither of us took the plunge.

OP posts:

LHReturns · 21/08/2015 23:25

She cooked for you, then asked you to stay the night!! I think the PLUNGE really passes to you at that moment!!

What did you do? Look horrified and rush off quickly? Do you think the situation is salvageable?

I can't see anything she did wrong as yet....

MARTIN1 · 21/08/2015 23:36

she did nothing wrong at all, I am completely at fault. When she mentioned staying over I made excuses about be up early in the morning and I can't stay late as the trains stopping running soon. etc etc, blah blah.

I doubt it is salvageable but I feel I just can't trust myself again. I may join a monastery or become that weird bloke that is perma-single and couples try not to invite to parties

OP posts:

LHReturns · 21/08/2015 23:45

You actually sound quite cool and self aware. Maybe, unlike most men, you didn't want to sleep with her as you sense she isn't going to be a special relationship. My brother was the same until he got married...he just couldn't see the sense in the flirting, seduction and chase if he wasn't really really excited by the girl. He just couldn't be bothered with it all, so probably let a few girls down in the process.

I wouldn't worry too much. While I dislike men who run after the first sex; you left before the sex, so as long as you didn't lead her on, then perhaps she is just supposed to be a friend.

However if you are now kicking yourself and fantasising about going to bed with her, then you need to re-evaluate your approach! If sex with new people scares you, then maybe you should have more faith in women. Women are really very warm and welcoming you know.

LHReturns · 21/08/2015 23:48

Re salvageable...if you were to (without delay) call her up and invite her to your place for dinner, and to stay over, perhaps with a joke about preferring your own sheets or something...she might at least consider it? She invited you to stay over, and is now not talking to you because you declined...sounds like she is pretty keen to me....

howtorebuild · 21/08/2015 23:52

Do you fancy her?

RoseandValerie · 22/08/2015 01:01

Martin, are you frightened by intimacy with a woman?
Maybe counselling could help you overcome this?
I really want to buy that hat.

goddessofsmallthings · 22/08/2015 02:07

Fron your thread last weekend it was clear that you had no intention of playing nug-a-nug, trout groping, or doing the underpants Charleston with thiis fair damsel last Tuesday.

However, as this 'witty and intelligent' woman asked you whether "is it tru yours is like a babies arm" before planning her dinner menu with you as dessert perhaps you should be asking yourself who's chasing who as it doesn't sound as if she got much of a thrill out of the evening.

niceupthedance · 22/08/2015 02:48

If you regretted it as soon as you left, maybe you should have gone back and said 'I'm sorry it's just that I'd rather wait'. But actually I think it sounds like you don't actually fancy her that much.

Smilingforth · 22/08/2015 05:58

Sounds like if you want to do something about it you need to make a call very soon

CuttedUpPear · 22/08/2015 07:33

This is the woman you've been sexting, right?

What pace exactly are you hoping to set? if you are even for real

You've gone from discussing the size of your member with her to running out of her door at the prospect of dinner?

LHReturns · 22/08/2015 08:25

Oh dear! I never saw that thread!!

ChilliAndMint · 22/08/2015 09:01

This is very bizarre indeed!

MARTIN, you sound like a man I briefly dated and did almost the exact same thing.

spudlike1 · 22/08/2015 09:31

Talk to her
not about the size of your dick but about how you feel
You'll be amazed about how good it is , to actually really talk
Try it

pocketsaviour · 22/08/2015 09:46

I'm going to ask again...

Have you ever had a sexual relationship?

Your thread last week, with your excruciating euphemisms, made me wonder if you are afraid of sex. Now you say you have a history of avoiding sex with women. You refer to them as "attractive" but don't say whether you feel attracted to them.

If you are afraid of sex, it's okay to say so, and to seek advice or help.

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TheStoic · 22/08/2015 09:46

She now thinks you don't fancy her.

Do you?

Whattobelieve · 22/08/2015 11:15

If you are afraid (or just find the thought nerve racking) that is fine BUT seek some help. If you don't this will continue and will eat you up.

MARTIN1 · 22/08/2015 16:55

I fancied the lady from the other night and have fancied other dates that I have ruined by doing a scarper. The women I have been intimate with were either ladies I'd known for many years or I was more than tipsy at the time. I've found that when on dates, things tend to move forward quite quickly rather than a slow burn as if sex is very important early on.
I once dated a lesbian for 18 months, we never got passed the odd drunken snog, but every other aspect of the relationship was superb. We cared for each other, supported each other emotionally, financially and did nearly everything a normal couple do. Those times were magic

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