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'Involvement' with a narcissist/sociopath

(46 Posts)
Deadsouls Thu 20-Aug-15 01:08:01

Hi,
Anyone with similar experience. I'm still grappling with the aftermath of having unwittingly become involved with what a now know is a narcissist. Having never come across one of these characters before, I didn't know what I was in for. Without going into the whole story, the involvement was a murky ambiguous friendship that used to be sexual. I now realise the whole time I was being psychologically abused and undermined by all of the tactics that those familiar with narcissistic abuse will know.
I have been mostly no contact for most of this year but am still trying to get back a large amount of money he owes me.
The point is, my life feels as though it has been decimated. I'm like, will I get over this. I've never in my life been bullied in this way, and it's still going on (financial anise). Sometimes I just feel I'm not going to recover (of course I know I will), but the experience has been so horrific and he has been so terribly nasty that I just still at times feel shocked, stunned, hurt and traumatised. Anyone who has experience, please tell me we recover

Deadsouls Thu 20-Aug-15 01:08:59

Sorry for the typos

Shovel73 Thu 20-Aug-15 02:03:03

So sorry - just remember it is their problem, NOT yours. What are the manifestations of narcissistic sociopathy? Presumably it was a slow creeping situation that gradually over took you? Whatever happened - it's NOT your fault and you have come this far and will recover more with time

Deadsouls Thu 20-Aug-15 02:11:33

Hi Shovel73, well I don't really want to detail the man's presentation of sociopathy or narcissism, surfice to say its a well established pattern and he is known for this (apparently I was the last to know).
But yes, you are correct, I didn't know at the time what was happening, but; gas lighting, financial abuse, threats and intimidation, criticism, character assassination, everything always my fault, withholding, silent treatment and so on.
But all done in this way that was sometimes subtle, sometimes not. But somehow I look back and I think how did I get into that? The effects have been devastating just about ok every level. Better now as no contact at all but I just wonder how long it takes....it's just so horrible and nasty.

Shovel73 Thu 20-Aug-15 02:26:09

I think I have been in a similar situation myself though maybe not as stark. Maybe counselling would help? Thinking of trying it myself...
It's bound to be traumatising - we are programmed to try and make sense of behaviour so must be utterly draining to be in that situation. But you are out now thank God

Mabroon101 Thu 20-Aug-15 05:45:00

In my experience you never actually get over the damage these people do as me and my adult children are finding out. Yes, you can have therapy/counselling that helps you deal with their antics and the knock on affects that as far as we are concerned last a lifetime but do you ever actually get over it all? Not really but thats not to say you cannot live a good and happy life - its what we are doing.

And I know each situation is different but for the really screwed up amongst these people their antics are so awful that there are life long repercussions for them and everyone else who was involved as their family - going no contact just doesn't work even when you go no contact. There's always something/someone else coming out of the woodwork that you, the other victims, have to take on board and process and get over and just as you are getting over it all - something else comes out of the woodwork.

Deadsouls Thu 20-Aug-15 06:53:45

Thank you Shovel73 and Mabroon101. Thanks for the replies, I'm already in therapy and I think I'm
Doing the best I can. I don't have children with this person or any link other than he fact that he owes me money.
I guess I've just been feeling so worn out and also really feeling the effects of the abuse. I don't expect it to dissapear. It really is just the worst experience to have your whole sense of self undermined in that way such as you start to question your reality. I literally did not know what was happening at the time.
Still I'm here, I'm safe, no contact. I think it's bound to take a long time to recover.

YonicScrewdriver Thu 20-Aug-15 06:55:47

Could you possibly manage without recovering the money? Sever the link? Or put the money chasing in someone else's hands?

Deadsouls Thu 20-Aug-15 08:00:55

@YonicScrewdriver these are all good possibilities that I'm contemplating. I'm currently putting the money on the back burner whilst I concentrate on recovering myself and getting healthy.

pallasathena Thu 20-Aug-15 09:55:02

You will get over this but first, you need to forgive yourself for falling for someone who abused you so badly. It isn't your fault! Seriously, stop beating yourself up for making a mistake. You're human. And decent people like you don't usually see the narcissist coming unfortunately.

Be strong and stay well

Deadsouls Fri 21-Aug-15 08:33:22

@pallasathena, thank you. I'm just coming to terms with the long term abuse. I suppose I don't punish myself, because having never come across a NARC/sociopath/psychopath before, I was blind. Plus he's extremely manipulative and convincing. I think it takes time. When I feel weary it's hard to believe I will recover. This kind of psychological abuse is so damaging.

ShizeItsWeegie Fri 21-Aug-15 08:52:07

I was also going to say, it sounds as much like sociopathology/psychopathology as much as narcissism OP. I had a 4 year relationship with a man that I pretty soon realised something was going on but it was only after I left, I realised the full extent of his personality disorder / illness. I learned the truth mainly through reading and research as I was sent so off centre by it. It took me a good two years to begin to feel normal and that I could trust my instincts again. I can spot it a mile away now though. See it as a learning experience (but get your money back).

Imbroglio Fri 21-Aug-15 09:43:16

The way I think of it is that the behaviour of people like this is down to their view of the world that other people are 'things' with no separate identity.

That is extremely damaging. It will have damaged your self-esteem. It will take time to get over it.

flowers

Summerlovinf Fri 21-Aug-15 09:53:26

How are you going about getting your money back? If you're appealing to logic, fairness or his better nature then you are onto a loser.

Deadsouls Fri 21-Aug-15 10:06:45

@ShizeItsWeegie I try not to get too hooked onto his pathology, as that way lies madness! Basically what I know is he's sick and abusive and I want to stay well away. No contact good so far, I have logged a couple of calls to the police telling them about his legal threats. Yes I'm expecting a good 18/24 months recovery time. The main thing is I'm out of that hell.

@imbroglio, yes very dysfunctional world view, everyone is an object to serve their needs, plus zero empathy = run for the hills!!

@Summerlovinf no there is no logic or rationality about his behaviour. He's extremely disordered, but wears a mask of social acceptability. At the moment I am in a dilemma bout pursuing the money or walking away. Currently he uses withholding my money as a form of abuse. I've posted over in legal about this. Problem is he's a barrister', if you can believe it. If I start any action I want to be sure I can follow through. I've been feeling fairly worn out though. He has a capacity for vitriol and spite that is astonishing.

Imbroglio Fri 21-Aug-15 10:20:16

I agree with Summer.

In my experience money can be a particular catch-point. The person I knew took meanness to a new level and expected everyone else to pick up the bills, especially domestic bills and socialising. But he would spare no expense in buying the best kit for his hobby.

In a different context I have often thought whether tackling something difficult is really worth the cost to my emotional and physical health.

0dfod Fri 21-Aug-15 12:02:23

A 'human' that has an antisocial personality dissorder (narssisist/sociopath/psycopath all on a spectrum, I call it narcopathy), has limited brain function, scans show huge areas that do not light up. There is a school of thought that this dysfuntion has a 45% genetic component, that about 1% of the population are effected.

The only way to deal with these people is to go nc as any contact is attention. They use the courts like a playground and will never stop if they can play the victim.

Deadsouls Fri 21-Aug-15 12:40:24

@odfod this is interesting stuff, and I'm studying in an area where we cover neuroscience, neuroplasticity and so on. You are right in that narcopaths (I'll use this from now on! Encapsulates it perfectly!), seem to have underdeveloped neural pathways. It is quite fascinating stuff.
I am NC for quite a while, it doesn't stop him from still attempting to be abusive toward me. I wonder WHEN WILL IT END?
The most debilitating aspect of this whole experience is the disorientation resulting from being blamed for absolutely everything. So everything that the narcopath was doing, he'd accuse me of doing! Thus is he was being dishonest, he would tell me how dishonest I was, and so on. Eventually I became so confused and foggy. Plus he told me I needed help! I mean its just so hard to describe the lunacy of it!

0dfod Fri 21-Aug-15 12:51:33

You need to document everything, if he communicates make sure that it is via email. Block him from your phone. I would go to your gp (helps to create a paper trail, you don't know if or when you may need one) and ask to be referred to counselling. You may find that you could be diagnosed with ptsd, this is treatable by counselling and meds.

If he gets threatening log it with the police, 101 for non-emergency, 999 for emergency. You will be given a police reference/incident number, you can keep this updated.

I am sorry that you are in this situation, it really is horrid.

Summerlovinf Fri 21-Aug-15 14:04:48

Just read your thread in 'legal'. I'd pursue through small claims. Ignore his threats of suing for harassment. He's trying to scare you. Don't feel you have to keep him on side, it will make no difference whatsoever and no contact is better cos the fewer words, emails, texts are exchanged, the less he has to twist.

In the unlikely event that you do not win the small claims case, what have you lost? There is little to no chance of you getting your money back any other way.

morley19 Fri 21-Aug-15 15:55:24

Deadsouls

this was my experience:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1986624-Are-these-sociopthic-traits-warning-VERY-long?trending=1

I don't know if he was a sociopath or just a nasty shit, don't really care anymore but at that time it nearly destroyed me.

I can assure you that you will get over it/him. It takes a long, long time but you will. Be patient with yourself.

Am so sorry you have been through something like this, it really is awful

xx

morley19 Fri 21-Aug-15 15:57:48

PS - the fact that he is a barrister doesn't surprise me. From what I have learnt these people are generally pretty successful, outwardly charming individuals. Just sick underneath

Good luck x

Deadsouls Fri 21-Aug-15 17:48:11

@odfod the narcopath is blocked everywhere! Phone, email, Facebook and so on. It is my stepdad who has been emailing one a month to chase the money. I have kept all the emails. I have a paper trail. I have also logged 2 calls with the police, documenting his behaviour and have the call numbers.

@Summerlovinf yes, I'm probably pursuing through small claims. I'm waiting for my holidays to finish first! Yes have nothing to lose. He is a like a bully in the playground, all puffed up and trying to shout really loudly. All bullies are cowards really. Yes nothing to lose

@morley19, thank you. I'm sure there are some nice barristers though! I'll read your thread. I've never come across anything like it in my life, tbh. If I hadn't been in such a vulnerable place in my life, he might not have managed to get into my life. It is so horrible, you can believe adults behave this way. But I feel better today, I was also super pmt the last week top, which never
Helps!!

ShizeItsWeegie Fri 21-Aug-15 18:58:08

Agree that these types have something missing! My ex definitely had no empathy at all and showed astonishing cruelty to others around him and animals. I would literally not put anything past him. He would do anything to anyone if it suited his needs. He was questioned over an attempted murder once. I found this out after I left him. I would not be surprised if he was guilty. Up close it is horrific being able to see this type of dark soul in action.
They do not appear to suffer in any way either, that's the thing I find amazing, if they have a setback, they don't just accept it like normal people do, they get revenge, even if it's stealing a small object or getting payback in some ridiculously petty way that their 'victim' does not even know about.
With my ex, his parents were lovely but one of his DBs was very similar whilst his other DB was normal as was his DSis. He used to clash with his normal DB and was very scathing about his DSis but got on like a house on fire with his Narcopath (excellent description) DB.

Rozalia Sat 22-Aug-15 10:07:26

I'm in a rush, but this thread is very interesting. I, too, am attempting to disentangle myself from a husband who probably has a personality disorder. Just like both his parents. It's hell. I've been through hell and it is hell now. He just doesn't want to let go, so long as it's on his terms. Damaged and damaging people, emotional vampire.
I'll be back later to properly join in.

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