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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

MIL and her dog

52 replies

Tornupinside · 14/08/2015 14:59

My MIL had a small dog which is very needy and jealous and entirely untrained. Every single time she comes over she brings it with her and he makes me very anxious with my 4 month old baby. He's always jumping up or she antagonises him (tail pulling ect) when he's right near the baby and there was an incident where he jumped on top of baby and she thinks nothing of it!

I've asked her not to bring dog over anymore as I am not comfortable with him being around baby but she's taken this personally and is now not speaking to me. When I asked her, she was only a few minutes away and didn't have pup with her but decided not to come after all.

She's told my partner how upset she is about it but I'm really struggling to have any sympathy and can't understand why she can't appreciate my anxieties and see baby without pup? Feel like her dog/her getting her own way is more important to her than her grand daughter.

Personally I feel it's not so much to do with pup but more jealousy that she isn't her sons number 1 anymore / not getting her own way ect.

Shall I just leave her to get on with it?! Whilst she's throwing this strop she's the only one missing out. I just can't get over how self centred she is being and how she can't respect that I'm anxious for babies safety around dog?

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Tornupinside · 14/08/2015 15:02

Sorry should add that when I say entirely untrained I mean really badly behaved!

When he comes over he runs riot, destroys toys, rips open bin bags, e sheds fur everywhere and shits all over the garden which MIL doesn't bother to pick up before she leaves

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schlong · 14/08/2015 15:25

You are entirely reasonable and your mil is a rude selfish puerile cow who doesn't deserve any contact with your dd if she prioritises her mutt over her gd. Well done you for asserting yourself and putting your dd first. Some dog cretins see their hounds as an extension of themselves hence why she's taken it personally. Can't believe she leaves her dog's shit in your garden!! That alone would be grounds to ban them.

schlong · 14/08/2015 15:26

Needy jealous and untrained is you mil! Brilliant.

AskBasil · 14/08/2015 15:28

OMG she sounds like a nightmare.

Just let her stew.

Some dog-owners are idiots, your MIL is one of them. Well done for putting down a very firm boundary and make sure you stick to it. Also, you should tell your DH to reiterate to his mother that he agrees with you, that it's a joint decision and that it comes from both of you, so that she knows she can't divide and rule.

DuelingFanjo · 14/08/2015 15:28

Just ignore here nad leave it to DH to deal with.

DuelingFanjo · 14/08/2015 15:28

her and

DeladionInch · 14/08/2015 15:29

Sounds like her not talking to you is a bonus!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/08/2015 15:48

"She's told my partner how upset she is about it but I'm really struggling to have any sympathy and can't understand why she can't appreciate my anxieties and see baby without pup? Feel like her dog/her getting her own way is more important to her than her grand daughter.

Personally I feel it's not so much to do with pup but more jealousy that
she isn't her sons number 1 anymore / not getting her own way ect"

Re your first paragraph how did your partner respond to his mother?. Did her back you?. Can your man actually stand up to her or does he say things like, "well you know what she is like, she means well" etc. If he did say those sorts of things he is also a problem as well as his mother.

Both of you must and need to put on a united front re her. This type of woman would rather put her own dog before you and your child; this is about power and control.

Let her stew in her own juice and do not make contact. Bad behaviour from her should not at all be rewarded, I think not seeing her along her poorly socialised dog (such owners give other more responsible dog owners a bad name, why does she have a dog at all?) at all is a wise course of action.

Tornupinside · 14/08/2015 16:33

I'm not remotely going to entertain her bad behaviour or pander to her. She does not rule the roost.

Unfortunately my DP is like a jelly legged little mummies boy around her. He's over there now, went straight there after work for 'lunch'. We've had some problems in our relationship since the birth of our daughter but they've been pretty much resolved but unfortunately I can't see him standing up to her mum regarding them... He's told me that although he thinks the dog would never hurt the baby he respects and will support my decision, however I can imagine him telling his mum that or saying like a PP said 'oh you know what she's like' sort of thing. He's always idolised her since his dad left when he was young and she was a single mum. He doesn't actually know the truth regarding their split whereas I do, if he knew the truth I doubt he'd so be doe eyed with her, and would probably be completely unsympathetic with this situation

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schlong · 14/08/2015 16:35

Is the puppy 4 mo?

tiktok · 14/08/2015 16:41

Don't understand why you are keeping your knowledge of the reason for the split from your DH - isn't this the sort of thing it's fine to share with a partner?

Stick to your guns about the dog, and if your dh doesn't support you in this, what does that say?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/08/2015 16:43

The dog is a risk because it is poorly socialised and owned by an irresponsible and selfish owner. People like his mother give responsible dog owners a bad name.

And what if he is wrong; what if her dog did bite you or any one of your children?. What's he going to do or say then?. The words, "sorry I was wrong" is not going to cut it is it?.

Your man is as much a problem as his mother is. He has had a lifetime of such conditioning at her hands and this has emotionally harmed him. His inertia re his mother is simply hurting his own self as well as his family and I would tell him this. She has never let him become his own person, where do his loyalties lie with primarily; with her or his family unit now?.

How is it that you know the truth about his parents separation and he does not?. Or does he simply believe what his mother told him?.

Maintain and reaffirm your boundaries re his mother as and when necessary. I would also suggest you read a copy of "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

Tornupinside · 14/08/2015 16:55

I've not told him as it would probably break his heart, it's pretty extreme and if his dad has decided not to tell him then I don't feel it is my place to tell him either. I know because his dad is very friendly with my parents and told them about it.

Have just come home and DP is in with some photos that his mother has saved of him and baby off his what's app profile pic and printed for him. We have our own photo printer I should add. He just sees this as a harmless gesture, I see this as one of her games

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schlong · 14/08/2015 16:57

Does she know you know op?

Tornupinside · 14/08/2015 16:59

Sorry also- reason I believe his dad's side.... The way she talks to and treats her now husband is absolutely shocking and vile so I have absolutely no doubt his dad is telling the truth

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tiktok · 14/08/2015 17:05

You should tell him, OP. Not as a spiteful thing, not as a power thing, but because it's not healthy to have a major secret like that. It's infantalising. Just tell him what your dad told your parents.

Tornupinside · 14/08/2015 17:07

No she doesn't know I know!

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Pinkball75 · 14/08/2015 17:11

I have exactly the same problem with my MIL. Even I'm scared of her horrible, snarly little bag of furry rage, yet she thought it perfectly acceptable on our last visit to go and get the bloody thing and hold it up to DD's face. Bearing in mind it's bitten MIL before, I was not happy. It growled and barked, scared the crap out of DD. Asking WTF she thought she was doing just produced a shrug and a reply of 'I thought she'd be good.' Moron.

schlong · 14/08/2015 17:11

So you hold the cards. Use them wisely. My mil was a toxic nightmare precisely because she had a dirty little secret she knew I knew about. Had to go NC in the end. But dh was on board.

schlong · 14/08/2015 17:13

Pinkball ban the bitch from your house! Oh, and the dog.

TRexingInAsda · 14/08/2015 17:17

YWNBU about the dog. But you are being a total dick about the 'secret'. Secrets aren't good things to have in a marriage, and you seem a bit smug about it 'if he knew the truth...' tell him then! I doubt it would change his opinion much, she's his mum, he loves her. I also think if you actually believed it'd change how he sees her you'd have told him. If you value your marriage more than you value smugly knowing something he doesn't know then you should tell him. The fact you're not telling him is probably a symptom of wider issues in your relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/08/2015 17:18

Why has his dad decided not to tell him?. This is not doing him or his son here any favours. His son has been infantalised by his mother and continues to be so by her.

Presumably your man has heard his mother talk to her new H in an appalling way so what does he think of their exchanges?.

Secrets as well have a nasty habit of eventually being exposed in some manner, this needs to come out now rather than in an uncontrolled unexpected way or through an argument. He will not thank you for not telling him particularly if it was also discovered that everyone else seemingly knew except him.

I would agree with your assessment re the photos she has given him. It is another game.

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Tornupinside · 14/08/2015 17:19

Totally agree with the babying of him.

I would have NO idea how to go about it, 'DP darling your dad left your mum because she tried to stab him with a pair of kitchen scissors. Twice. Oh and also your older sibling is not actually your dad's like everyone's told you your whole life'

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DistanceCall · 14/08/2015 17:21

You should tell your husband. Not in order to set him against his mother, but because he deserves to know the truth about his parents' split. Even if his father preferred not to go into it, that's the sort of thing partners should share. It's a matter of trust.

Tornupinside · 14/08/2015 17:22

I don't think I'm smug... I don't know maybe a little bit but it does explain a lot to me. I wouldn't want to tell my partner because I think the shit storm it would create would actually be the end of us, I think his mother would never forgive that I told him and DP would leave me over it... So yes defiantly a symptom of wider issues in relationship

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