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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Does resentment cause divorce?

31 replies

Sonia00021 · 13/08/2015 20:35

I resent my husband, borderline dislike/hate him. He's acted like a disgusting horny teenager and not with me but with the Internet. I don't even know half of what he was up to. I now have a terrible fear of this all happening again and I check his phone constantly. I just resent him and when he says he loves me I just look straight through him it's awful.

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goddessofsmallthings · 13/08/2015 20:48

If he hadn't acted like 'a disgusting horny teenager' you wouldn't feel resentful and it's his behaviour which has turned your thoughts towards divorce.

What was he up to on the net and what has he done to show you that he won't be doing it again?

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 13/08/2015 21:08

Why would you not divorce someone you borderline dislike/hate ?

It doesn't matter why you hate him. You should not be married to someone you hate.

BTW, it sounds like you have good reason to hate him. So what though? You hate him, that's all that matters.

Sonia0002 · 14/08/2015 11:36

He went through a disgusting phase of watching gay porn, looking at sex working, cam chat, sex chat I had just given birth at the time and our sex life was getting better than ever now I hate it I won't be near him. I can't ever forgive or forget either. I don't know what to do

Sonia0002 · 14/08/2015 17:04

Do all men lose Interest? I don't understand, if it was me doing all this I bet he would have left. But because he has apologised I need to forget? He says I'm the same as before I gave birth but I don't believe him, he must not feel the same? I fear he's trying to protect my feelings by pretending he still fancies me....

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2015 17:06

Well, he sounds horrible. Does he have any saving graces? Do you have children together? Do you work?

Sonia0002 · 14/08/2015 17:11

He's very nice most of the time tells me he loves me etc good with our family. We have a baby together. I work part time. The minute Iost respect for him was when I was up with the kids and he was looking at sex workers, sex chat in bed. Still infuriates me!

gildedcage · 14/08/2015 17:25

Well in answer to your question yes resentment will end relationships. One could argue yours is already over, your just trying to continue as if nothing has happened although long term this isn't possible.

I only went through a 1/4 of what you're dealing with and frankly with what you've got going on I wouldn't be able to look him in the face.

Sonia0002 · 14/08/2015 17:57

If you don't mind me asking what is 1/4 of this? People I know are saying I'm being petty as its 'normal' for men to do this stuff online!!!! I feel very disrespected.

Sonia0002 · 14/08/2015 18:46

If I try to talk he says I said sorry stop talking about it. He's never really explained himself. I don't think I can take much more....

Sighing · 14/08/2015 19:00

When something has been done that you can't forgive then you're bound to resent the partner for bringing that about, disregarding you, for not caring about the relationship. For me a deal breaker. His actions. Not yours. To me No matter what someone who'd done that claimed to feel for me I wouldn't care, because of thrir lack of respect and from my disgust. I'd lose mine.

Sonia0002 · 14/08/2015 19:14

Family and friends think I'm being over dramatic and too sensitive about it! They said it's a thing men do it's the way men go on. So am I being these things!? Or is it disrespectful? Someone I married, someone I thought I trusted I certainly wouldn't be doing any of those things. Am I supposed to just forget because 'ah he's a man?!' .....

mindyourown15 · 14/08/2015 19:19

I cannot think why you would stay with him. Whoever has told you his behaviour is ok is very wrong. Where is your self respect? And it isn't because he is a man, it is because he is a twat.

Sonia0002 · 14/08/2015 19:22

I think my self respect left along with all of that shit. Men watch porn said every one I know but how far do you go to say porn is? I just feel like this is very one sided!

Sonia0002 · 14/08/2015 19:26

He said he's done with it all never again. But how can I be sure? I feel he probably does it while I'm at work.

Sonia0002 · 14/08/2015 20:04

Sorry everyone for going on and on I'm just so upset, I told him If we were to have kids we would be together and happy like we always were I couldn't cope with another divorce. But then he does this? I feel fucking cheated I go from angry, frustrated, upset, resentful, pathetic.

gildedcage · 14/08/2015 20:16

In short I found some pretty nondescript porn in his browser history...purely by chance. I was upset as it was at odds with the man I thought he was, I would never have knowingly married a misogynist as well he knew. I was also offended as we have daughters and I'm certain he would hate his own gitls to be viewed as objects. To make matters worse he lied to me, which questions my intelligence.

There were no web cams, no sex workers, no sex texts etc...I would never have stayed with him. As it was it caused massive problems and has taken the best part of 2 years to resolve. However it did destroy alot and the emotional intimacy that I had with him is gone.

No one can tell you what to think or feel. Or whether to stay or go. People are entitled to their own opinions on porn however this is your relationship and its your prerogative to not accept it. Don't allow anyone to tell you that your feelings aren't valid or petty.

I think if you stay as things are with things being brushed under the carpet, that you will have lots of unresolved anger, which can make you mentally quite unwell.

Know that you are not alone, you do not have to accept this and what he has done does not simply need forgiving. I had quite alot of counselling after because I felt I had let myself down massively by staying...what I do now is please myself and accept that his choices and actions are his alone...I am not his policeman. He is also very aware what my expectations are and that I would not put myself where I was again.

I'm sorry for the long post, and the spelling errors etc (am on my phone) but I stayed with my dh because we have been together for 20 years and this has been the only dip in the road, I chose to work through it, however if I haf what you have had to deal with there is no way I could continue, regardless.

gildedcage · 14/08/2015 20:26

Sonia you are not pathetic. Everything you feel is totally understandable. It is a betrayal and the damage is lasting. I think your (d) h is being pretty naive to think you can stop thinking about it and pretend that you don't know.

Be kind to yourself. After all he was engaging in all of this at your expense...while you were doing the donkey work with the kids. Do you have a friend who you could visit for a couple of days, to give you some peace to think and not have the pressure of doing everything at home?

Sonia0002 · 14/08/2015 20:27

Thank you for your post, it was the looking at sex workers and the male porn that threw me along with everything else!!! He never used a webcam he just watched so I suppose it's just porn? But the looking at those things, I even saw what he was watching and couldn't understand how a straight man could enjoy it, it was awful !!! I feel very distant and alone, very very betrayed and led on. I fear my marriage may be ending after only a year..... I just don't know what to think anymore!!!!

Sonia0002 · 14/08/2015 20:29

I don't have anyone I can stay with.... I just don't get how I'm not enough...

gildedcage · 14/08/2015 20:39

Of course you don't know what to think. Its baffling. Its entirely understandable that you're looking for someone to tell you what you should feel and what you should do. You don't want to believe all of this is true.

Sonia0002 · 14/08/2015 20:42

I feel like I've been led on like I say and everyone is expecting me to just get on with it and forget it but I know in the back of my head he's probably still up to no good or will end up doing it all again. I KNOW he will do it all again. I don't trust him one bit ....

gildedcage · 14/08/2015 20:42

Sorry I'm very slow...takes me an age to type on my phone.

This isn't about you not being enough. When and how did you discover this was going on?

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gildedcage · 14/08/2015 20:47

Of course you don't trust him. He has broken that trust.

Could he give you a couple of days on your own, just to give you a chance to give you some breathing space.

Sonia0002 · 14/08/2015 20:47

I looked on his phone for a picture he said he took of our baby and Google was up I don't know how to use his phone on mine the back button leads you to the main screen but his just went back onto what he was watching then I clicked back again and again and so on.... So I looked on the rest of his phone and found a secret folder with internet explorer hidden in it with all his horrible secrets. He started saying I was looking through his phone I'm insecure !!!! Then he went to work that's when the apologies started I was too shocked to talk about it to be honest!

gildedcage · 14/08/2015 20:54

When was this? How would he have reacted if the shoe was on the other foot?

You have a little baby and now may not be the time to make big decisions however for what it's worth I can empathise with the way you describe your feelings and having worked through it I still have moments where I feel that I have let myself down by staying.

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