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I made a big mistake

(29 Posts)
Viennaforlife Tue 11-Aug-15 20:14:05

I don't know if I want to be married anymore. My mum died when I was twenty and I impulsively married a guy I barely knew. That was three years ago and we now have a dd 18months. I've never really been with anyone else and I realise now I'be completely disappeared. I left uni when I got married and quit my low paid job when I got pregnant. I have no money, no bank account. The house and cars are in his name and I have no income.
I don't know whether I love him, I certainly didn't when we got married. He's not a bad guy, he's made mistakes but overall he's been pretty great. But I just hate living with him. He's a complete slob and just won't listen to me. He's overweight and I'm not attracted to him. He's never been able to give me an orgasm, and I'm so stressed out I can't even give myself an orgasm anymore. Despite all of this I still think of him as my best friend and I wouldn't want to lose him. Besides I don't think anyone else would take me on. I just wish I could go back in time and not make a decision based on grief. I feel like my life was going in one direction and now I have no idea how I ended up here.
I don't know what to do. Would a trial separation help? We could actually date like we should have done before marriage. Is there hope for us?

lalalonglegs Tue 11-Aug-15 20:24:42

If you're not attracted to him and he doesn't listen to uou, I'd say yhe chances of it getting better are low. I think your best courses of action would be to get a job now that your daughter is approaching nursery age and find a bereavement counsellor. Your life can be turned around but I don't think that there are any quick-fix solutions. Good luck flowers

lalalonglegs Tue 11-Aug-15 20:26:18

BTW, as you are married, the house/car etc would be considered joint assets.

Viennaforlife Tue 11-Aug-15 20:27:31

Does a trial seperation ever work? I feel so awful about this, it's all my fault. I just wanted someone to take care of me and now I feel like I have two kids.

TongueBiter Tue 11-Aug-15 20:27:46

I would see a bereavement counsellor as advised by PP. then speak to CAB about your position. You will have rights to a share of assets as you are married. Knowledge is power, and I think you need to feel more equipped to make decisions. You have a right to make decisions that make YOU happy. Be kind to yourself.

Viennaforlife Tue 11-Aug-15 20:29:46

To be honest I feel healed from my grief, now I'm just left with this mess I made. I feel so guilty for my daughter though, I'm splitting up her family because I was stupid.

Jenna333 Tue 11-Aug-15 20:30:25

I think you can turn your life around, you're young and know things aren't right now. I married my stbxh and wasn't attracted to him, he was such a great friend though. I couldn't make myself love him or be attracted to him. We've separated as friends and I think we both have the opportunity now to meet more suitable partners.

pocketsaviour Tue 11-Aug-15 20:31:46

OK first things first, open up a bank account. You will need a passport and/or birth certificate (I'm assuming you don't drive). You will also need proof of address such as a utilities bill. Your mobile phone bill would probably count.

So currently he claims the child benefit? You will need to get that swapped over if you leave. As lala says you will be entitled to a share of the house, car etc, as you are married and presuming you will remain the resident parent you may get more than 50%.

If you wanted to return to work, would that be doable? Would you get childcare help from extended family?

Viennaforlife Tue 11-Aug-15 20:35:42

He does everything. I paid the deposit for the house but the mortgage is in his name. My family can help with childcare and I know he would stay in dds life and I would support that. But how do I leave him? I can't ask him to leave this house that he owns and I contribute nothing to. I'm a SAHM. I might have an opportunity lined up to earn some money but I have nowhere to live. I could move in with family I suppose but they are not going to take this well as they don't believe in divorce and adore my dh.

pocketsaviour Tue 11-Aug-15 20:39:55

I paid the deposit for the house but the mortgage is in his name.

How did you pay the deposit if you don't have a bank account? confused

Viennaforlife Tue 11-Aug-15 20:41:17

I don't know if I want to split up, well sometimes I do lol. But we get on really well and make each other laugh. I don't know if I would have this again. And I've got a lot of baggage, I don't think anyone else would want me. Does a trial seperation ever not end in divorce?

Viennaforlife Tue 11-Aug-15 20:42:14

I had my own bank account but now we have a joint account, I have no money of my own anymore.

lalalonglegs Tue 11-Aug-15 20:54:45

I think the reason that the vast majority of trial separations bevome permanent is that people have to be pretty miserable to enter into them and then they find life without their partner/spouse isn't neatly as bad as they feared and their family and friends get used to the idea that they are no longer together.

Does your husband know how you feel? Is he unhappy with the marriage too?

lalalonglegs Tue 11-Aug-15 20:55:38

The joint account money belongs to you both, btw.

Bogeyface Tue 11-Aug-15 20:57:55

You contributed a lot to the house, the deposit was not a small sum of money I assume? You are due at least that back.

When did you buy the house? It might be worth adding up the mortgage payments he has made so far and compare that to the deposit, you may find that he has actually paid in less than you.......

Viennaforlife Tue 11-Aug-15 20:58:58

He does know. We've been talking about it for a year. I wanted to try counselling but he had no interest. I've really tried to make it work. I even bought sex toys which I was really uncomfortable doing. But he's a good guy, and I'm not afraid of being alone right now but I hate the idea of him finding someone else and having a family and my daughter choosing him and I'm all sad and alone. No one has ever shown interest in me, no one else ever asked me out. I'm not unattractive I often get men leering at me, which is obviously unpleasant but gives me hope that someone might want me.

Viennaforlife Tue 11-Aug-15 21:01:42

I gave him an ultimatum a few weeks ago that he needed to stop his social life and spend time with us as a family which he did. But he's still a complete slob and now he's working late nights and travelling. I want something more than this but this is what marriage seem like to me. My parents were exactly the same.

InTheBox Tue 11-Aug-15 21:12:01

You're far far too young to be living this sort of life. In fact even if you were near retirement age I'd still say the same.

You want more than he is capable or willing to give you. In fact you deserve more.

From now on you need to start thinking about the practicalities, this means opening your own account and looking into any sort of job you can get at the moment or benefits you qualify for.

Even if you have to convince him it's a trial separation so he moves out then do so. You need to think about you and your dd's future at the moment.

You've said a couple of times that 'no-one will want' you. That matters not one single jot. Don't look to others for validation. Get yourself down to your gp's to look into counselling or talking therapy that can rebuild your self-esteem.

lalalonglegs Tue 11-Aug-15 21:18:15

It doesn't matter that "no one else will want you". As you have discovered, having a man in your life doesn't necessarily make for happy ever after. Concentrate on creating a great life for you and your daighter and co-parenting her successfullywith your huhusband once you split up.

category1 Wed 12-Aug-15 11:46:26

You're 23/24? Your whole life lies ahead of you - you could go back to uni, you could do all sorts of things with your life.

There will be other men interested in you, but you shouldn't focus on another relationship straight away - you jumped into marriage because of your bereavement, you shouldn't make that a pattern, iyswim.

Start making the life you want, whether through work or study, and don't let gratitude or guilt stop you from getting free of a marriage that doesn't work for you, nor of a proportion of the assets for you and your dc's security. You don't owe your dh more of your life.

TheMarxistMinx Wed 12-Aug-15 13:05:44

I'm going to offer a slightly different idea. You say that you fell into this because you were vulnerable and felt you needed someone to take care of you. What is interesting from what you have told us, is that over time you actually made yourself more vulnerable rather than less. Giving up uni, then a job and finally opting for joint finances. So the more looked after you are, the more looked after you needed to be.

So, I would guess from this that at the moment you are not working from a place of great emotional strength and security. You seem to think no one else will want you, and this seems to be important to you. So I don't think that ending your marriage right here and now will actually help you, it isn't the cure to the condition. If you become more vulnerable to loneliness, isolation, lack of money you are just as apt to fall into a similar trap. If you believe no one will want you you may even replace a boring good man for one a whole lot worse.

What you need to do is start to reclaim little by little your independence. He doesn't sound like a bad man. Would he support you to find a job, be happy for you to have a saving account, or even find part time work and restart uni part time? Or start a small business?

When you do leave, and you will, you need to do this from a place of strength and know that you can cope and won't fall into a similar situation. Plus in a couple of years time your little girl will have been able to develop a good relationship with her father that lays the foundation for a future of shared co-parenting.

However if you really are so very miserable and we don't have the full picture and this man is not as you have described then by all means run.

I sat out 10 years for my own reasons, for my children, financial reasons, and I'm older than you. But life is by no means over and now I am able to make the right decisions and move on in my life. You are very young, but as you have discovered family life, marriage, and having children is not a ball, it is bloody hard work and there are often more sacrifices than fun. That will be the case whether you sit tight with his support or go it alone.

Crazyzowhat Wed 12-Aug-15 15:52:24

I was in a similar situation 5 months ago with my ex though we never married , I did and still so Wrk and we have 2 kid's together .

we ended it 5 months ago and I have since met someone new who makes me feel all of the things my ex didn't . I guess what I'm trying to say is that don't leave it too late , you do get a 2nd chance at happiness and most of all you deserve it ! xx

Viennaforlife Wed 12-Aug-15 16:25:13

We talked about it last night and he's desperate to save us. He said he'll do anything to save it. He's offered for me to go away for a bit on my own. He said he'll support me to go back to uni. He'll do anything as long as we stay together. I've come up with a sort of action plan but the problem is I can't remember a time with us that I would want to go back to. I can't think of a perfect time when everything was right. I don't know if therapy or any of those things will change how I feel about him. Or make me want to share a bed with him. Or not want to stab him for leaving dirty underwear on the floor. He grew up in a broken home and is devastated to think of that for our dd. whereas I grew up with my father working away and not really present when he was home and my mum making herself I'll trying to be super mum. I don't fancy that either.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Wed 12-Aug-15 19:27:59

He'll do anything? Pick his own dirty pants?

You sound disappointed that he wants to keep the relationship going. You sound as if you need his permission to break up.

Perhaps give yourself a year of sorting your own self-esteem out.

Get a bank account. Do the household money management. Maybe get a job. Get a driving licence. Generally do all the adult things that he currently takes care of. Make sure he learns how to do "your" jobs: picking up dirty underwear, laundry, childcare.

It will show how sincere he is about "doing anything". It will allow you to decide what you want to do with your life from a position of strength.

Personally, I wouldn't go back to uni now. That might make you feel trapped with him until graduation, likely 4years min from now. You would probably feel guilty about cost of the course, cost of childcare etc.

The OU could be a good first step. You'll get credits for courses you passed at uni the first time round, which is nice.

Viennaforlife Wed 12-Aug-15 20:33:15

I know I sound weak but I'm actually a really strong person. I'm very independent in a lot of ways and I'm not the type of woman who needs a man to feel good about myself - I was completely single until I was twenty. It's just hard now that I'm in it, you know? I do drive and have friends but obviously when you have kids your life does revolve around them abut I know I need to do something for myself. I want to start a course in September it's half placement half study with a degree at the end and it sounds amazing. I want to do that for myself whatever happens with my marriage.
We've talked more tonight. I feel awful because this whole thing has made him physically ill. He's really stressed out with work anyway and I've made it worse. Not that that is swaying me but it makes it more upsetting.
He says he wants to try marriage counselling and he'll get a personal trainer. And that things will get better. I don't know what to think. I hate hurting him. And I don't want to make another mistake.

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